#152: How much fighting is a “normal” amount?

Dear Baby is back

Good morning!!

Welcome back to Dear Baby. So many good questions this month, I was feeling extra lucky to receive them. Today I’ll be covering: 1) What to consider when the circumstances of your life are asking for an enormous amount of self-sacrifice, 2) How many fights and dramatic swings are “normal” to have in a relationship, and 3) How to deal with your desires (like say, getting rich and having a big wedding) when they conflict with your values (like say, staying humble and forgoing the charade). I swear it’s an accident that all three feature well-meaning boyfriends who are somehow falling short. 

On Dear Danny this week, we’ll be discussing the tyranny of relationship over-analysis, the politics of stop-and-chats, the definition of “casual dating,” and more. And to answer one listener question off the bat (lol): Yes, I of course pay Danny for his contributions to the podcast! The new episode drops Tuesday at 9am.

For future issues and eps, drop a question here or call 802-404-BABY and ask it with your voice!

1. On setting yourself aside 

“Dear Baby, I thought I’d seek your insight because I’m feeling so blue about this. My mother and I have been through a lot together. We have lived together for four years now, before which I was living abroad, alone. We started cohabitating right before Covid. My father’s abuse worsened and he began to threaten her life, so she escaped. We secured a restraining order and she and I decided to move in together in a rental, as she has no property or real assets (financially abusive dad managed to spend all his and her money too!).

My mum and I have started to talk about the future, which is very tense. She is 70, I am 29, so I initially thought she would have intuited that I’m ready to live separately after four years together. However, she was devastated and angry when I voiced my desire to leave. She has calmed now, but questions still remain as to what will happen—where will she live? Her proposed solution was that she use her life savings to secure a deposit on an apartment in my name, and that I could help her with repayments. All we can afford is a tiny apartment (we live in an expensive Australian city), and I would also be paying rent somewhere else.

The ‘somewhere else’ would be with my boyfriend. I have no desire to live with people I don’t know anymore, and all my friends are coupled-up and living adult lives, paying off their own home loans. So this leaves me with the logical option: to find a place with my boyfriend of two years. I don’t want to derail this into a ‘relationship doubt’ themed question, so I will avoid the nitty gritty, but I will say that moving to the suburbs with my boyfriend is not something I truly want. In order to financially assist my mum however, this might need to happen. My boyfriend and I love each other and have a functional relationship, and our dynamic does not resemble anything I grew up with, which is important to me. There is just a gap in terms of shared interests and stimulating chats that sometimes makes me feel a little hollow (sorry this comes across as so pretentious).

I am struggling to reconcile with the fact that I will likely be in a tight financial situation for the foreseeable future to grant my mum some security in her old age. I know it is a big sacrifice, but it’s dwarfed by the sacrifices she made for me as an immigrant mother. She endured horrific abuse by my father, and I feel that it’s my responsibility to make up for the years that I was away. I don’t know how to balance the feelings of guilt and the desire to be free. I often feel like I have used up all my independence, that it’s time to commit to the people I love and put my own desires and ambitions aside. I love my mum more than anyone else. Is this a time for me to make peace with having a life that isn’t really what I want?”

You’ve been dealt such a difficult hand. I’ve never been through anything like this, and can’t say I would know the first thing about what to do if I were you. And yet you’re navigating this with so much thoughtfulness, generosity, and care. I hope you’re proud of that. All I can really offer you from an outsider’s perspective is the one thing you might be missing here, which is some advocacy for your own needs, and a view of how that actually impacts everything else.

Here’s how you’ve framed the problem: Your mom gave up a lot for you to have a better life, and now she needs you, so you have to give up a lot in return. Here’s how I might reframe it: Your mom gave up a lot for you to have a better life, and now you’d like to support her in return, so you need to figure out how to do that without neglecting your own needs. Setting your mom’s very real struggles aside, you are also an adult navigating a famously difficult life transition—turning 30, deciding where you want to live, who to be with, and how to spend your time and resources. I don’t mean to imply that extending yourself to someone else is in conflict with your growth (I think it’s entirely connected), but you can’t lose sight of the fact that the decisions you’re making about your own life right now are important and worthy of your care and attention.

I’m thinking specifically about moving somewhere you don’t want to live with someone you have doubts about. By the way, you don’t sound pretentious at all. Your relationship may blossom and change with time, but I wouldn’t take lightly the risk of taking such a big step prematurely and locking yourself into a second situation that feels heavy with obligation. Cohabitating makes it so much harder to make lucid decisions about a relationship. And this move specifically—financially motivated, not ultimately wanted—would invite strain into even the healthiest, happiest relationship. Your mom may desperately need your help, but I know she wouldn’t want you to be miserable, either. First, because she loves you and gave up a lot for your happiness; second, because no one wants to be that kind of burden. Don’t assume that giving up your own needs necessarily translates into hers being met.  

You say you have no desire to live with other people. Can you interrogate that more? I believe you, but I wonder if the downsides of getting roommates in a city where you actually want to live could possibly outweigh the risks of moving to the suburbs too quickly with your boyfriend. Only you can truly understand what you’re weighing here, but if you’re ruling out living with roommates simply because it’s a bit of a hassle and you feel a bit old for it, I’d reconsider. There may be a more grown-up roommate situation out there that would be a perfect setup for you, and that would allow you to maintain your independence a bit longer and approach this next step with your boyfriend out of genuine desire, if and when the time comes. You’re at a difficult crossroads; whatever decision you make will likely come with some compromise. Maybe there’s an opportunity for you to find creative solutions that serve your needs, too. 

Life is long, and you’re so young. Your desire to help your mom in this way is inspiring and noble, but setting yourself aside entirely serves no one. The sacrifices your mother made for you were generous, not transactional. They were not made to be cashed in at the cost of your wellbeing later on. Repaying her kindness is a beautiful way to honor her generosity, but so is protecting the life she’s given you.

2. On long-term fighting

“I’m writing to ask how much fighting you think is normal in a long-term relationship. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years (married for four), and as time has gone on, our disagreements have gotten more frequent, not less. I think this is due to the fact that the more time we spend together, the less we feel the need to be on our ‘best behavior’ with each other. We also just have more obligations than we did in our 20s (jobs, family, home), which brings more stress to our interactions.

There are so many things I love about my husband. Most of the time he is kind, caring, thoughtful, and supportive of me and my goals. But sometimes I feel like our communication styles are incompatible, and this is the source of many of our arguments. My husband has a very blunt and direct way of speaking, which often leaves me feeling hurt by things he says. I share how his words make me feel; he says he didn’t mean them that way and I shouldn’t have taken offense; and I end up feeling gaslit and questioning my own memory of events. This happens about once a month. During and immediately after these arguments, I find myself fantasizing about a life without him, where I wouldn’t have to feel this way. Then things blow over and I’m reminded of all the things that make our partnership great.

I also try to remember Dan Savage’s wisdom that all relationships have a ‘price of admission,’ and maybe this is his. I guess my questions are: Is it normal to have such dramatic swings in your feelings about your relationship? Is there any way we can break out of this dynamic? Is it okay to love your partner, but also kind of hate them sometimes?”