#111: How low-maintenance is too low?
Plus: Jealousy, trauma dumping, coworker BO, etc.
Good morning!
Welcome back to Dear Baby. An uncharacteristic 11 questions are on the docket today, covering everything from men who don’t use fitted sheets to insecurities to jealousy to (the correct number of) sex positions to friend breakups to coworker BO to deciding how much to reveal on a first date. I also answer a question about the weirdest thing Avi and I do, which I hope doesn’t disappoint, although I’ll warn you it’s not a sex thing. And on the podcast on Tuesday, Danny and I will be covering emotional birthdays, success envy, body hair, confessing love to old friends, whether romance counts when you’re on drugs, and more. As a reminder you can always submit questions here or call us at 802-404-BABY. Grateful to everyone who writes or calls in!
1. On “low-maintenance” partners
“Hi Haley! My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and are thinking of moving in together when our leases run out. We lived together before for several-month stints during the pandemic, so I know I love being around him 24/7, but we had some issues with housework, chores, and spending. It's important to me that we split things pretty equally so I don't grow resentful, and I'm open to this meaning we each do certain chores that we prefer rather than both of us doing every single thing. The problem is: My standards for living are significantly higher than his. And they are not even high, trust me! He is EXTREMELY low-maintenance, as in, he doesn't use a fitted sheet, uses hand towels to dry dishes, doesn't own a toilet brush, etc. In the past, he's been happy to split chores he finds necessary (cooking, washing dishes), but finds it annoying to do much more work or spend more money than he would if he were living alone. So I end up doing more than what I consider my fair share because it's necessary for me to feel comfortable (things like wiping down the stove or the bathroom). To be clear, he does not at all expect me to do this extra work and earnestly does not even notice the effects. FWIW, he makes a lot more money than me and can definitely afford to invest more in a home. My question is: How do I explain to him that it's time for him to raise his living standards (lol) in a kind way or do I just have to accept that if I want to keep a home to my liking, it's going to be up to me?”
The obvious response to this sort of quandary is that both parties need to compromise: He needs to adjust to a reasonable standard of living and you need to recognize where your expectations go beyond the reasonable. But I have to say, “low-maintenance” is a pretty generous way to describe a grown man who doesn’t use a fitted sheet…lol. In this case the conflict sounds less like a persnickety clean freak versus a slob and more like an adult versus a child. Not everyone needs or wants to be Martha Stewart, but he’s missing some of the fundamentals. (Personally I’m haunted by his lack of toilet brush.) It sounds like he has some growing up to do, and I think you’re right to be cautious of developing resentments while he does that, especially if he hasn’t proved to be particularly open to it.
I’m sure he thinks he’s being logical when he suggests he doesn’t want to do more than he otherwise would if he lived alone, but that’s a pretty selfish and anti-social way of operating. It’s just not how it works to be in community with other people, for better and for worse. He doesn’t need to cater to your every desire, he just needs to care about your experience, and you his. Which is why you’ll have to be flexible, too—and consider creative solutions, like using some of the money you both are saving on shared rent to outsource a monthly apartment cleaning, for instance. Whatever you come up with, sharing a home is a mutual endeavor. The helping hands multiply, but so do the needs. I think the specifics of his or your preferences are less important than his willingness to appreciate that.
On a more positive note, it’s possible that sharing a real home together versus doing short-term stints will invite a different level of investment from him. Avi was basically living out of a suitcase when I met him as my strange, basement-dwelling roommate, and now I can barely imagine that version of him (although he was always clean). And even though we’re domestically aligned now, it still takes maintenance, and we’ve both had times where we felt we were picking up the other’s slack, or had priorities the other didn’t share. Living with a partner can be supportive, fun, reinforcing, but it also takes a lot of consideration and humility to do it peacefully. If your boyfriend is going to be stubborn about the way he did things on his own, it will be very tiring for both of you. It’s just not the right foot to start off on, in my opinion. I’d suggest having some serious talks together before you move in about what both of you want it to look like and how you’ll make that happen together. Don’t miss the metaphor for the relationship itself! And leave room for the possibility that his preferences will change down the line. Personally I think he’ll be blown away by fitted sheets.
2. “What insecurity of yours holds you back the most?”