Such wise words... thank you so much for your reply to my question!
I couldn't believe it when I saw the title of your newsletter... . I wrote to you after reading one of your blog posts and more like a diary entry, you know. Not expecting a reply at all. I felt a tiny bit embarassed too. My sister (who's also a fan of yours and through which I got to know your writings) had to reassure me that I didn't sound too spoiled or pathetic in my e-mail 🙂.
I think just a couple of days before I got your newsletter, I finally got my head in a better space.
Where suddenly it became super clear to me that I want to put my happiness first.
You know, those moments in life where suddenly a veil drops and you see things in a completely different light? My new relationship was already a giant step in that direction of choosing my own happiness. Not trying to save someone else. Comfort and safety, softness and warmth first. Only my 'career' mentality was lingering behind. My modus operandi was to 'struggle', because that is what subconciously made life meaningful, striving for something. And yes, things do change...also dreams and also the sacrifices your willing to make. I guess my investment in them was so big, it took me a while to accept their change.
Thanks again for taking the time and writing such a great reply to my existential angst.
My new album came out last Friday and I'm happy it's out in the world now. Also a relief :).
I'm definitely more of a lurker on Instagram rather than a poster (and not an aspiring influencer by any means), however I found by setting the screentime app time limit for 30 min a day (now it's 20 min) really helped me stop the endless scroll. I still click "remind me in 15 minutes" sometimes if I'm in the middle of a really entertaining story but try to close the app right after.
I've also tried to replace my Instagram time with Duolingo or simply stretching on my living room floor!
I also found this YouTube video thought-provoking. Basically he replaced social media with micro journaling on the notes app on his phone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFvdHfhVIsQ
I didn't get an instagram until this year. Nothing high and mighty about this, I was just a self-conscious teenager --I didn't like how I looked in pictures and didn't want to out myself as having an android at my materialistic all-girls school lol. In college, I still felt too self-conscious to bring virtual attention to myself, and when me not having an instagram suddenly turned into me into an "edgy" person at parties, I leaned into the ~mysteriousness~ of being offline and began to appreciate how people's perception of me was only as complete as their in-person interaction with me. That felt nice. It also saved me from instagram envy I'm sure would have been especially parasitic to my college self.
But after sinking into post-grad life a bit more, and covid on top of that, I felt really disconnected. I'm really happy I got one when I did (when I felt like I began to cohere a bit, as you so nicely phrased it). I've reconnected with some friends from high school whose lives I'm genuinely interested in, I'm more in the cultural loop (which feels really good?? I didn't know what i was missing??), and it's been easier to maintain my long distance friendships. The most notable thing to me is that it's now much easier to turn acquaintances into friends -- insta makes it easier to hype people up, build a language of shared humor, and find commonalities in the get-to-know-you phase which I really really appreciate. It's made moving to a new city a lot easier.
All that said though, it's so much fucking noise and being on the app feels like a chore most of the time...
I just finished reading Rick Rubin's "The Creative Act: A Way of Being" today. I'd recommend it to all the questioners—actually, I'd recommend it to everyone : ) Great book that discusses the ebbs and flows of creative expression and so much more.
Really appreciate this outlook: "So in my view, the best approach to combating future-cringe is to try to be true to yourself in your writing. Your present self, even if it’s bound to change."
I love this! "There are so many ways to be an artist. All of them will involve weathering dry spells and stretches of self-doubt, but they’re not all contingent on self-commodification and kowtowing to gatekeepers. You’re allowed to decide how much of that you can bear. You’re allowed to set your own rules around what success looks like."
Would love it if you knew someone who was a model of this to bring on the podcast!! I always love to hear about people who have built meaningful and consistent artistic practices outside of what they do for a job, because I come from a background (MFA in poetry writing) where the goal was always a job at a university teaching writing + high profile publications. I didn't really reach those goals fully and left that world and do something totally unrelated to writing for work, but I've struggled to maintain any sort of writing practice outside of that context. It's always so incredibly bolstering when I find people who have been able to maintain art-making outside of the marketplace, because honestly I think staying motivated without that external validation is really hard
Such a good response to question 1! From my experience the pressing need for external forms of validation/‘success’ can often impact the art in.. not great ways.. (not to say that this questioner has that problem of course). Also sometimes you gotta let a long time dream die so you can open yourself up to other dreams/opportunities you haven’t even thought of yet
I put Instagram on the back page of my apps so it’s harder to get to. I still really value it, as I’ve moved to where I don’t really know anyone. So it’s really useful to have to medium to keep up with friends I would see regularly, without having to put in the effort of texting or expecting them to text me all the time.
As for Twitter I found it a lot better for me to delete, it was a lot easier to get into a doom scroll where discourse makes you sick! I still go on my computer to keep up with messages.
I went to my 10 year high school reunion in December, and it was so exciting because I don’t have Instagram so I had no idea what anyone was up to, where they live, if they have kids, etc. I could earnestly ask them “what have you been up to?!” and listen attentively while they answered.
I was so glad that I hadn’t already known the shapes and contours of all these peoples’ lives. Not only did it allow for honest catch ups in the moment, but it also became clear after the event that I absolutely do not need to know what these people do with their time. I don’t need to know if they have kids or jobs or vans or cats. I don’t need to know if they went to Paris or Mexico or a wedding. Knowing that information doesn’t change my life in any way, and I don’t think we were designed to know so much about the world at large and so many of the people in it. I’m really happy with the small radius my knowledge extends to.
It's so valid to investigate Instagram in terms of "highest highs" — is it even as good as a homemade chai? Is it as good as a 20-minute headphones-in dance session? Is it as good as a good game of fetch? God in that context, it feels easy to shun.
I deleted Instagram in 2019 and really, truly haven’t looked back. It can be hard at first to miss the feeling of being plugged in or socially relevant in the way Instagram cons you into thinking is important to strive for. What I think really did it for me was the realization that Instagram makes you aware of the intricacies and life updates of people you don’t even really know. My head was filled with useless information about people I met twice 3 years ago. It was so much noise and made me feel on edge a lot if the time. I only realized this after it had been a few months since deletion and it felt good not to know these trivial details, and only truly be plugged in with the people I legitimately cared about. I try not to be preachy about leaving it - but putting social media behind me for the most part has been one of the the healthiest decisions I’ve made for myself. There’s no pressure to display myself in a certain way online and there’s a lot of comfort in the privacy that being without these platforms allows.
YES TO ALL OF WHAT YOU SAID. I also quit social media at the end of 2019 and haven't looked back. The only time I deeply missed twitter was when the boat was stuck in the Suez Canal ahahah. I was like : damn, people on twitter must have all the good jokes, I wish I were living this moment "with them" !
Really enjoyed these three and how they speak to me together. Instagram is a vanity project masquerading as ‘business promotion’ but I am not certain it does bring any business. Like Jaron Lanier cites in his reasons, If I am honest, I am fake nice on it. Yuck. And more honesty, maybe no one would notice that I’m gone. Together with reframing success and dreams. A lot to think about on a Sunday evening!
hi! i am moving to brooklyn next month and i dont know anyone. is there an nyc maybe baby discord or something? how do i get connected with that group?
Right now I think it exists only as an email list - a fellow baby reader organized the list and then sent out a mass email + RSVP to us for the meetup. But since it's an email, I think anyone on the list should be able to loop people in! idk what the most organized form of doing this is haha, but you can leave your email or email me at eppes.mariah@gmail and I can help get you on it! Welcome to bk :))
Sad!! It wasn’t exactly a full maybe baby meetup, which is why I didn’t advertise it--it was just some of the New York readers who were in the comments of the “looking to make more local connections” discussion, one of which planned a gathering! Maybe one day I’ll organize a proper newsletter-related event. In the meantime you can add your email above to be added to the other list
Such wise words... thank you so much for your reply to my question!
I couldn't believe it when I saw the title of your newsletter... . I wrote to you after reading one of your blog posts and more like a diary entry, you know. Not expecting a reply at all. I felt a tiny bit embarassed too. My sister (who's also a fan of yours and through which I got to know your writings) had to reassure me that I didn't sound too spoiled or pathetic in my e-mail 🙂.
I think just a couple of days before I got your newsletter, I finally got my head in a better space.
Where suddenly it became super clear to me that I want to put my happiness first.
You know, those moments in life where suddenly a veil drops and you see things in a completely different light? My new relationship was already a giant step in that direction of choosing my own happiness. Not trying to save someone else. Comfort and safety, softness and warmth first. Only my 'career' mentality was lingering behind. My modus operandi was to 'struggle', because that is what subconciously made life meaningful, striving for something. And yes, things do change...also dreams and also the sacrifices your willing to make. I guess my investment in them was so big, it took me a while to accept their change.
Thanks again for taking the time and writing such a great reply to my existential angst.
My new album came out last Friday and I'm happy it's out in the world now. Also a relief :).
A big, big thank you from Belgium! <3
I'm definitely more of a lurker on Instagram rather than a poster (and not an aspiring influencer by any means), however I found by setting the screentime app time limit for 30 min a day (now it's 20 min) really helped me stop the endless scroll. I still click "remind me in 15 minutes" sometimes if I'm in the middle of a really entertaining story but try to close the app right after.
I've also tried to replace my Instagram time with Duolingo or simply stretching on my living room floor!
I also found this YouTube video thought-provoking. Basically he replaced social media with micro journaling on the notes app on his phone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFvdHfhVIsQ
Re instagram:
I didn't get an instagram until this year. Nothing high and mighty about this, I was just a self-conscious teenager --I didn't like how I looked in pictures and didn't want to out myself as having an android at my materialistic all-girls school lol. In college, I still felt too self-conscious to bring virtual attention to myself, and when me not having an instagram suddenly turned into me into an "edgy" person at parties, I leaned into the ~mysteriousness~ of being offline and began to appreciate how people's perception of me was only as complete as their in-person interaction with me. That felt nice. It also saved me from instagram envy I'm sure would have been especially parasitic to my college self.
But after sinking into post-grad life a bit more, and covid on top of that, I felt really disconnected. I'm really happy I got one when I did (when I felt like I began to cohere a bit, as you so nicely phrased it). I've reconnected with some friends from high school whose lives I'm genuinely interested in, I'm more in the cultural loop (which feels really good?? I didn't know what i was missing??), and it's been easier to maintain my long distance friendships. The most notable thing to me is that it's now much easier to turn acquaintances into friends -- insta makes it easier to hype people up, build a language of shared humor, and find commonalities in the get-to-know-you phase which I really really appreciate. It's made moving to a new city a lot easier.
All that said though, it's so much fucking noise and being on the app feels like a chore most of the time...
I just finished reading Rick Rubin's "The Creative Act: A Way of Being" today. I'd recommend it to all the questioners—actually, I'd recommend it to everyone : ) Great book that discusses the ebbs and flows of creative expression and so much more.
Really appreciate this outlook: "So in my view, the best approach to combating future-cringe is to try to be true to yourself in your writing. Your present self, even if it’s bound to change."
I love this! "There are so many ways to be an artist. All of them will involve weathering dry spells and stretches of self-doubt, but they’re not all contingent on self-commodification and kowtowing to gatekeepers. You’re allowed to decide how much of that you can bear. You’re allowed to set your own rules around what success looks like."
Would love it if you knew someone who was a model of this to bring on the podcast!! I always love to hear about people who have built meaningful and consistent artistic practices outside of what they do for a job, because I come from a background (MFA in poetry writing) where the goal was always a job at a university teaching writing + high profile publications. I didn't really reach those goals fully and left that world and do something totally unrelated to writing for work, but I've struggled to maintain any sort of writing practice outside of that context. It's always so incredibly bolstering when I find people who have been able to maintain art-making outside of the marketplace, because honestly I think staying motivated without that external validation is really hard
Such a good response to question 1! From my experience the pressing need for external forms of validation/‘success’ can often impact the art in.. not great ways.. (not to say that this questioner has that problem of course). Also sometimes you gotta let a long time dream die so you can open yourself up to other dreams/opportunities you haven’t even thought of yet
I put Instagram on the back page of my apps so it’s harder to get to. I still really value it, as I’ve moved to where I don’t really know anyone. So it’s really useful to have to medium to keep up with friends I would see regularly, without having to put in the effort of texting or expecting them to text me all the time.
As for Twitter I found it a lot better for me to delete, it was a lot easier to get into a doom scroll where discourse makes you sick! I still go on my computer to keep up with messages.
I went to my 10 year high school reunion in December, and it was so exciting because I don’t have Instagram so I had no idea what anyone was up to, where they live, if they have kids, etc. I could earnestly ask them “what have you been up to?!” and listen attentively while they answered.
I was so glad that I hadn’t already known the shapes and contours of all these peoples’ lives. Not only did it allow for honest catch ups in the moment, but it also became clear after the event that I absolutely do not need to know what these people do with their time. I don’t need to know if they have kids or jobs or vans or cats. I don’t need to know if they went to Paris or Mexico or a wedding. Knowing that information doesn’t change my life in any way, and I don’t think we were designed to know so much about the world at large and so many of the people in it. I’m really happy with the small radius my knowledge extends to.
It's so valid to investigate Instagram in terms of "highest highs" — is it even as good as a homemade chai? Is it as good as a 20-minute headphones-in dance session? Is it as good as a good game of fetch? God in that context, it feels easy to shun.
I deleted Instagram in 2019 and really, truly haven’t looked back. It can be hard at first to miss the feeling of being plugged in or socially relevant in the way Instagram cons you into thinking is important to strive for. What I think really did it for me was the realization that Instagram makes you aware of the intricacies and life updates of people you don’t even really know. My head was filled with useless information about people I met twice 3 years ago. It was so much noise and made me feel on edge a lot if the time. I only realized this after it had been a few months since deletion and it felt good not to know these trivial details, and only truly be plugged in with the people I legitimately cared about. I try not to be preachy about leaving it - but putting social media behind me for the most part has been one of the the healthiest decisions I’ve made for myself. There’s no pressure to display myself in a certain way online and there’s a lot of comfort in the privacy that being without these platforms allows.
YES TO ALL OF WHAT YOU SAID. I also quit social media at the end of 2019 and haven't looked back. The only time I deeply missed twitter was when the boat was stuck in the Suez Canal ahahah. I was like : damn, people on twitter must have all the good jokes, I wish I were living this moment "with them" !
Really enjoyed these three and how they speak to me together. Instagram is a vanity project masquerading as ‘business promotion’ but I am not certain it does bring any business. Like Jaron Lanier cites in his reasons, If I am honest, I am fake nice on it. Yuck. And more honesty, maybe no one would notice that I’m gone. Together with reframing success and dreams. A lot to think about on a Sunday evening!
Any book/author recommendations for “developing awareness outside myself and my time?” Loved this phrasing
This is so hard to answer because it’s basically everything!!
I also missed the New York meet up! :(
Would love to go to the next one.
hi! i am moving to brooklyn next month and i dont know anyone. is there an nyc maybe baby discord or something? how do i get connected with that group?
Right now I think it exists only as an email list - a fellow baby reader organized the list and then sent out a mass email + RSVP to us for the meetup. But since it's an email, I think anyone on the list should be able to loop people in! idk what the most organized form of doing this is haha, but you can leave your email or email me at eppes.mariah@gmail and I can help get you on it! Welcome to bk :))
Would also love to be added please! :) jackiehoman96@gmail.com
Hi! hopping on this bandwagon to say please add me to the BK email :) thank you so much! lucies708@gmail.com
Would also love to be added! darya.rosikhina@gmail.com. Thanks!
Me too if you can! I missed it and would love to be added. lenaynicolejohnson@gmail.com
would love to be added!!! maddiereehl@gmail.com
I’d love to hop on this too if you wouldn’t mind adding me !! mollyreilly.ny@gmail.com 💖
thank you so much for reaching out! my email is julietkdeane@gmail.com i would love to be added to the meetup list!
omg i am crushed! how did i miss this meet up at daughter!? i live so close :( babies please let me know if another meet up is in the works!
Sad!! It wasn’t exactly a full maybe baby meetup, which is why I didn’t advertise it--it was just some of the New York readers who were in the comments of the “looking to make more local connections” discussion, one of which planned a gathering! Maybe one day I’ll organize a proper newsletter-related event. In the meantime you can add your email above to be added to the other list
Thanks Haley! :)