#185: Humiliating career moves
Plus, explaining my tattoo (and other stuff)
Hey!
Welcome back to Dear Baby. Today I’ll be answering 4 questions about 1) taking a long-desired career leap and then loathing it, 2) whether I have a fantasy career or aspirations beyond writing, 3) what my EIC tattoo means (lol), and 4) what to do about a partner that doesn’t like the same things you like and the resulting distance is bothering you. Reminder that you can submit anonymous questions here. I’m always blown away by what you all write in…so hard to pick. Thank you for trusting me!!
1. On professional shiny objects
“I’m 31 and, up until recently, felt like my career had taken a balanced and fulfilling turn over the last three years, working in policy. I loved my last job and boss. Then, I got distracted by a shiny object: working on a political campaign, which had been in the back of my mind as something I wanted to try before having kids. My boss was super encouraging and helped me to make the leap, my sweet husband was supportive of this out-of-the-blue move, and I ended up doing it.
Now I'm a month in, and I'm miserable. My new boss and I are a terrible fit, I'm making a lot of mistakes, and I'm having major trouble keeping up with the pace and finding ways I can contribute. I feel condescended to, belittled, incompetent, and oftentimes frozen. I cry in the bathroom almost every day. It's not clear to me why they decided they wanted this role filled in the first place, nor why they would hire someone without extremely specific experience. I totally romanticized a job that it appears I don't want to do, and I'm humiliated. I left behind a job and a team that made me happy. I feel whiplash from being stable and confident in my career and expecting it to bloom further, only for it to come to a crashing halt instead. I feel like a failure now, and I'll feel like an even bigger failure if I quit. Not to mention, my very supportive husband had to deal with all of this. I cannot put into words how much dread I feel about going to this job every day for the next five months, which would not normally sound long to me, but right now feels like an eternity.
To play devil's advocate, I know it's only been four weeks. Of course I could try more things to make this work. I can give myself more time to be proactive, to try my best to produce good work, and have tough conversations with my boss. I also think I may be someone who makes relatively hasty decisions/conclusions, similar to the one I made to get here, so I don't want to keep making the same mistake. I am also sure I'm projecting some of my feelings toward my boss. I don't know whether I should stick it out to prove to myself that I don't give up this easily, or if I should go with my gut and get the fuck out. I would be so grateful for your perspective.”
I’m so sorry it turned out this way! This is exactly why some career moves are called “leaps” and not steps. They aren’t careful and predictable, they require nerve and faith, they carry risk. A lot of people spend their lives imagining taking them without ever following through. You didn’t do that! That’s something to be proud of. Staying might have been “safer,” but inaction has its risks, too. Had you chosen not to do this, you might have always wondered if you’d short-changed yourself, or been complacent. Subtle as that feeling may be, it can persist for a long time, and slowly erode your confidence. Now you’re faced with a much more affronting feeling: You hate this new job and your previous illusions of certain success have been shattered. I know you feel humiliated and miserable—an understandable comedown. But you can work with this.
Our shared mythology around big leaps tends to focus on their explosive potential, but hating your new gig was always a possibility. You deride yourself for romanticizing it, but what else were you supposed to do? You didn’t know any better, so you went to find out. If your old boss’s encouragement and your husband’s support were predicated on everything working out perfectly, those would be pretty superficial forms of encouragement and support. I’m willing to bet they were a lot less conditional. I know none of this changes your current day-to-day misery, but I’m trying to release you from the humiliation you’re feeling. What you’ve done is brave, full-stop. The pressing question is what you’re going to do next.
I can’t tell you whether to quit or not, but I suggest reframing the decision—this doesn’t need to be a huge test of your character. It can just as easily be a sign of growth to quit something than to stick it out, so there’s no use moralizing this before you’ve had the chance to ponder it from a more neutral perspective. Miserable as you may be, do you have more to learn at this job? Are those lessons worth it to you? Being thrown into a difficult environment and figuring out how to make it work marginally better for you could be a really useful experience in the long run, but being panicked all the time isn’t conducive to learning. You can decide, at a certain point, if and when the former gives way to the latter. You don’t need to sacrifice your wellbeing because you’re ashamed to pivot. This experiment was in some ways a practice in self-respect—respecting yourself may need to change shape now.
You were living with a big question and you sought out an answer. This obviously wasn’t the one you wanted, but you still got one, which is more than you had before. It’s worth remembering how many benefits to taking leaps have nothing to do with how they actually turn out. They can unlock our decision paralysis, show us what’s on the other side of all our rumination, remind us that we’re the authors of our own lives—all extremely useful lessons for getting older and self-actualizing. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you don’t let this outcome harden you to betting on yourself. One day this gig will feel like a bad dream, and you’ll be more awake than ever.
2. On fantasy careers
“Haley, do you ever think about jobs other than writing? Or do you think there will ever be a calling you experience for something else the way you did for being a writer? Are there any paths you think about exploring in the future?”