#210: "Should I move to the suburbs?"
+ I'm dreading my wedding & everyone's flaking on me
Welcome back to Dear Baby!
Today’s column has a loose “community” theme: We have a reluctant bride who dreads planning her wedding, a city-dweller who’s fighting a seemingly imminent move to the suburbs, and a mother who desperately wants community but keeps getting flaked on. Kind of a classic lap around the track of modern adulthood. I wove a lot of personal experience into the answers today, from my own marriage ennui to my latest city-versus-suburb debate to the new curious workings of my social life (I have a new hack for preventing flaking). Thank you for your questions!! As always you can ask more here.
My favorite article I read last week was “Reader, I Divorced Him,” by Hermione Hoby for Book Forum, a thought-provoking read (if a little ungenerous at times). Friday’s 15 things also included my favorite book I’ve read in years, my latest Sunny wardrobe addiction, my warmest jacket, and more. The rec of the week was unexpected breakfasts. And last Wednesday more than 100 people joined a discussion about Miranda July—her book, All Fours, as well as a recent piece she wrote about divorce. Long overdue!
1. On wedding dread
“Dear Baby, I got engaged to my wonderful boyfriend last October. It didn’t come as a total surprise, as we talked about our plans for the future (including family planning) quite regularly and I knew that popping the question was important to him. And well, for me, not so much. I love the idea of spending our lives together, I am excited about starting a family, but I just don’t really care about a wedding. I have never dreamed of getting engaged or thought about how my wedding would be. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars on one day and to be honest, I also don’t want to spend all year planning, finding the right venue, finding a dress I never wear again, and so on. Talking to friends about this, I feel guiltier and guiltier—is there something wrong with me (or my relationship) that I don’t feel the need to plan a super special day and that I don’t think it’s totally normal to spend $1,500 on a photographer alone? How can I manage my guilt and other’s expectations around this topic and still have a good time on my wedding day (eloping is unfortunately not an option, since my parents-in-law would feel deeply hurt)?”
I relate to this question a lot. When Avi and I decided not to get married (this was in 2020, when we’d been together about 4 years), I was surprised when it didn’t strike me as that big of a deal. On some level I assumed we were doing a bit, but then years passed and our feelings never changed, and eventually it felt like we’d gotten away with something. Deciding to have a kid felt like the much more profound decision, and my pregnancy brought about a lot of the moments I imagine we’d have experienced had we gotten married: our entire families met over a long weekend in Brooklyn, we were “blessed” as a couple in a Hindu temple, we invited all our loved ones to our roof to celebrate, and I even gave a little speech. That weekend was so overwhelming I remember crying repeatedly at all the love, and imagining how much more intense a wedding would feel. I don’t know how people bear it!
I mean that in the most encouraging way: No matter how much you dread planning it, your wedding is more than likely going to overwhelm you with love. It’s really special to bring your friends and family together, ask them to be your village, and receive so much support in return. I think life is made in these pauses from ordinary life, when we acknowledge all we have and hope to be for each other. Organizing those moments around big life transitions is a beautiful human tradition, whether or not you follow them exactly as prescribed. For me, part of the appeal of our celebration, which you may relate to, is that there were no scripts for us to follow, so we made it up, spent barely any money, and didn’t even plan our outfits. It came together in a few weeks (this still managed to be stressful, lol). I wonder if you can bring some of that energy to your wedding.
You mentioned not having the option to elope because your in-laws would feel deeply hurt. I think it’s kind of you to go ahead with the wedding on their behalf, but I hope you don’t take that sentiment too far. If the mere existence of the event is to please them, I think you and your fiance should take the rest of it into your own hands and make it what you want. Consider the spectrum from “small party” to “traditional wedding” and figure out where you’re most comfortable. Imagine your perfect weekend with the people you love, think about how long you can stomach a planning phase, and go from there. You don’t have to do all the standard stuff: paper invitations, personalized guest book, rehearsal dinner, cocktail hour, etc. You don’t even need a photographer! You’ll have a million photos anyway. If you dress up, exchange some words in front of your friends and family, eat food and dance, I promise it will feel like a wedding. Our celebration had almost nothing in common with a wedding and it still kind of felt like one. With the right intentions, profundity presents itself.
There’s no reason to feel guilty about your apprehension around all this, or worry it says something about your relationship (unless you actually think it does). I can tell you that, at least from the perch of 35, there’s no discernible difference between me and Avi and our friends who got married. We’re all doing the same stuff we always were, and I don’t think any of us have any regrets. It’s possible your situation is different—my social circle has never been marriage-focused and so our decision never felt scandalous to our friends—but even so, it’s just a day. And once it’s over, everyone will move along. All the more reason to not ruin a year of your life planning an event you don’t really want. People will say it’s impossible to not fall down the rabbit hole of the wedding industrial complex, but I don’t think that’s true. I’ve seen plenty of people do simple weddings: A courthouse marriage followed by a dinner party, for instance. You just need to have conviction about what feels meaningful to you, and go toward that and that only.
One way to think of this event is as an official embrace of you and your fiance as a veritable home base of your own, capable of making decisions together for the benefit of your relationship, and not for everyone else. Avi and my decision to not get married despite some protests from family was difficult but ultimately fortifying for us as a couple. It was our first step towards understanding ourselves as a unit with distinct needs and agency. As you embark on this process, try to keep that in mind. Respecting your in-laws doesn’t require obedience, and loving them doesn’t require sacrificing your own needs. Your only task is to bring everyone together to have a sweet and loving time, the details are up to you.
2. On moving to the suburbs
“Dear Baby, I have a beautiful three-month-old who melts my heart every time he gives me one of his gummy smiles. Having him has been such a joy, even with the sleepless nights. I am willing to do anything for him…except move to the suburbs. Why am I fighting it so much? My husband and I just keep running out of space living in the city. We are unfortunately not rich enough to live how and where we want (in the city with space to actually enjoy life, not just live). We don’t have space to enjoy our hobbies (painting for me, computer setup for gaming for him, and our hundreds of items of scuba gear, our constantly expanding library, etc). We have slimmed our life down so much, threw out/sold all the stuff that didn’t spark joy (genuinely), didn't have a permanent place, caused too much clutter and we both agree we cannot slim our stuff down any further. My husband wants to move to the suburbs, I would really like more space, but the thought makes my stomach turn. Why am I fighting it?”