#223: My friend keeps stealing my books

Good morning and welcome back to Dear Baby!

This week I chose two Dear-Abby-style etiquette questions and one that’s a little headier. Etiquette questions are fun because even though they’re highly subjective it’s nice to pretend there is literally any order in the world. For those two we have a question about people who listen to loud music in public without headphones and a friend who constantly loans books to someone who never gives them back (which reminded me of my favorite confrontational strategy). Our heavy hitter features someone who had a falling out with their pregnant friend over an ill-timed comment, and whether the relationship is salvageable.

In case you missed it, Avi and I busted (and/or confirmed) 22 myths about having a kid on the podcast last week, and last Friday’s 15 things included a mini-documentary about being child-free, my new tupperware <3, an insane throwback that just might rock you to your core…and more. The rec of the week was backpacks that aren’t trying too hard.

#1: On (no) headphones in public

“Baby. I’m losing my mind on the NYC subway (and in public spaces in general). Every single time I ride the train into work and back, there is at least one person blasting video or a game or a phone call on their phones at full volume and the incessant background noise is driving me mad. Is this a cultural or generational difference I’m not respecting? Should I be more understanding that not everyone is as sensitive to this as me? I (clearly) get very overstimulated by that kind of noise and it just seems so rude to ruin an otherwise pleasant atmosphere for everyone so you can watch a TikTok or play a video game (you still can! headphones are like $12!). Someone was recently blasting a video so loud on a bench next to me in the park on a lovely spring day that I had to move. It’s the park! Listen to the birds, for the love of god! It would never ever ever occur to me to play music, watch a video, or take a phone call on speaker in public. What is wrong with people? Can I make business cards that say, ‘Please respect public spaces by turning off the volume on your device’ in several languages??? Is this just a new reality I need to accept? Help :(“

I write to you now while seated next to a guy at the library who is breathing so loudly and so desperately I can only imagine how he sounds when he’s asleep. He is also eating Doritos and blasting music in his AirPods so loudly that I can hear it through his headphones. Strewn around his computer are an old iced coffee melted in a puddle of condensation, a couple wrinkled napkins, and a half-eaten sandwich. He just burped into his closed mouth, although he likely has no idea the other people at our shared table could hear it. He’s created his own personal sound barrier and has seemingly forgotten he’s in public. He’s sighing now, like he’s personally aggrieved.

I share this (and I swear it’s true) to highlight the extent to which modern technology has made us antisocial, whether we’re willfully violating social norms or not. Wearing headphones, while more subtle than not wearing headphones, per your valid complaints, can be antisocial in its own way. As Drew Austin put it (as I quoted once before), “Though the AirPod experience appears strictly solitary and a matter of personal choice, the headphones in fact reshape social behavior for everyone around them, whether those others have their own pair or not.” In other words, he says, they have negative externalities. For instance, I just put on headphones to drown out the other guy’s music, and I suddenly feel less aware of everything: how loudly I’m typing, how loudly I’m breathing, the other people in the room. Also, my ears hurt.

Smart phones are a scourge—remember who the real enemy is! The world would not be perfect if we all wore headphones, but Iget what you’re saying, and it’s a popular opinion. I did some Googling to see if I could find any perspectives in defense of playing music or videos out loud in public and couldn’t find any. (Although I assume the kind of people doing this aren’t the nerds writing posts on r/socialpropriety.) If I had to guess, you asked this question at least partially out of fear of being a Karen. I get it: “Loud music” has become a symbol for the kind of stuff ignorant newcomers call the cops about (especially white people in black neighborhoods). I think this is a little different though, because someone playing a video on their phone on the train isn’t participating in a cultural tradition that brings people together, they’re being antisocial, forcing the people around them into an experience they can’t reasonably participate in.

Still, different cohorts have different tolerances for (and different definitions of) loud or “selfish” behavior in public. In New York, where so many of us are smashed together, I generally try to avoid assuming that everyone agrees on what’s rude or isn’t rude, and so would be loath to call anyone out in public unless I feel they’re being objectively disrespectful (e.g. not giving up their seat to a disabled person). It’s also, generally speaking, in the interest of my safety to not engage with an obviously antisocial person. To that end, I would not hand out cards (lol). Best to not take on the role of cop or hall monitor for a passing irritation. But if someone’s volume is particularly egregious, a “Hey, can you turn that down a little?” could suffice. If Reddit complainers are to be believed, however, this often doesn’t work.

I think the root of your frustration is actually here: “It would never ever ever occur to me to play music, watch a video, or take a phone call on speaker in public.” This is what it means to belong to a cohort: We expect those around us to share our values and act accordingly. But part of living in a big city, and entering public space that doesn’t belong to any one person or group, is having that expectation challenged and softened. There are tons of upsides to this (growth, expansion, exposure to new things), and plenty of downsides. But also, there are plenty of social norms that wildly different New Yorkers share (like helping parents heave strollers up subway stairs), and they’re often pretty sweet.

At the end of the day, the person playing loud videos on their phone almost certainly feels alienated (and disrespected) in other aspects of their life, many likely out of their hands. So maybe just bring along some headphones of your own, or find room in your heart to pity them, or, if you’re extra lucky, meet the eyes of something else in the vicinity and enjoy the ecstasy of a shared emotional experience via a little raise of the eyebrows. At least you’re not alone!

#2: On a book thief

“Hello, my question is admittedly a bit silly, but I've been ruminating on it too much and need to finally phone a friend. Broadly, it’s about loaning things to friends and not getting them back, but more specifically about one friend. I have a dear friend to whom I often send articles, podcasts, etc., and I wouldn’t want to hinder that part of our friendship.

The issue is that I have lent her maybe 10 books over the years, all that I have read and probably wouldn’t read again but that feel very special to me, and she hasn’t read a single one. This is also fine, she doesn’t need to read everything I share with her. The issue is that when I ask for them back, she refuses to return them because 'they’re next on her list.' At first it didn’t bother me because I know she’s very busy and, as I mentioned, we're often reading and discussing other forms of media. But it’s now annoying me because 1) they’re mine, and 2) it’s been multiple years of her not reading them, so why can’t she release them back to me, their rightful owner? I think part of the issue is that she wants to appear to be an intellectual person and therefore wants to have a full and diverse bookshelf, which is a performance that pisses me off even more.

I have a few options here: 1) I demand she gives them back, 2) I steal them off her bookshelf the next time I’m at her house and she is distracted, or 3) I do nothing and just assume she’ll return them in a few years. Would love your advice on the topic. Please be honest and let me know if I’m being too dramatic.”