As a chronic "underbearer" I've been reflecting a lot in the last year on what that's cost me in terms of closeness with friends, opportunities at work etc. and trying to become more comfortable with showing my neediness instead of shriveling at the thought.
The phrase "the price of community is inconvenience" was huge in 2025; for me, for this year, I've been adapting it to the mantra "the price is Being The Inconvenience" - Time to become a thorn in everyone's side!
100% ! I also try to remind myself often that people LIKE to feel and be needed. We went through a tough time in my family during 2025 and I grabbed a rental car and raced home to be with my parents one particularly rough Sunday night. As my dad was thanking me during a walk that week for being so present, I told him (very honestly) that it was really nice to be needed.
Trying to keep reminding myself that asking for help gives the people in my life the opportunity to be needed as well.
I love this and agree ❤️ Also with dinner parties etc I feel now that if I give people tasks or things to bring it makes them more invested in the event and excited to come.
Sorry your family had such a rough time, wishing you a better 2026!
this made me cry. so much to say about this topic!!! i got multiple surgeries this year — double mastectomy and reconstruction and a touch up — and i felt so scared of how much i needed people and their support and help. help with my own hygiene (milking my bloody drains, showering), logistical and childcare help with my son (i could not lift him for cumulative months!), emotional help with feeling OK about my drastically changing body!!! it sounds soooo corny but i was really touched and honestly shocked by how many people responded when i reached out for support — people who wanted to both help materially but also bear witness to what i was going through, who literally just wanted to sit and watch tv with me or do a puzzle with me! i cry thinking about it honestly. we all need to be maintained!!! and i think i also gave people something too, not just took — i showed people something ugly and scary and vulnerable which i think in turn made them feel more comfortable doing the same with me (and hopefully others).
“Distance costs more.” Yes yes yes! I have been thinking a lot about this since entering motherhood this spring. I didn’t have any idea of what I’d want or need when the baby came home. My mom stayed with us for a couple weeks and I thought when she left I’d have my feet under me a bit and then our friends would step in. But as soon as my baby came, and my mom left, omg I did not want to be alone but no one was coming by. It felt like all of my friends watched the same TikTok that gave them the advice that you should give new moms space, and let them tell you when to come over and what to do to help. Maybe that’s good advice for some people but I did not have the energy to do that! And I barely knew what I needed. I just wanted someone to sit and chat with me, lol. It felt pathetic to send a text like that when no one asked. The “space” I was given in the moment just felt like my friends didn’t care as much as I thought. Which was obviously untrue, but not helpful with all the other postpartum vulnerabilities. I left that experience and just vowed to myself that moving forward in my life, I’d rather be told to chill out or give some space than risk my friend thinking I don’t care about them. I think what this piece has shown me is that I can take the risk of being told to chill out when asking for what I need too!
I’d love to see this explored more! I don’t have kids and I feel like I’ve seen a lot of advice about not trying to come over and see your friends after they’ve had a baby (including one that said to wait 2 months!) or to only have very structured interactions where you bring food etc. I’m sure some people would like that, but like you’ve said, not everyone is the same and you don’t know what you like! It seems like now we are being told to err on the side of not being involved or not being a burden, instead of erring on the side of trying to be present and helpful, even if you have to be told to chill out a bit. I like the idea of encouraging everyone to be closer to the annoying side than then underbearing side. Especially with good friends.
Totally! I’m sure it depends person to person. I live far away from where I grew up, so I didn’t have like loads of family coming by. When my husband went back to work I spent most of my time alone with the baby. I was so bored and lonely! Friends would timidly ask for a good time to come by and I’d be like “literally any time for as long as you want” 😂.
Not a birth but I had a friend (who I wasn't so close to at the time) go through a family tragedy. I couldn't stop thinking about her and decided to call. After a few rings she rejected my call and I just sent a message telling her I was thinking of her and sending support.
Since then, we've become closer and she's brought up more than once how her in the moment reaction was indeed annoyance at my call (oh well), because she was in the throes of sorting things out surrounding the event, but then was so comforted to receive my message and that it and my attempted call always meant a lot to her.
My philosophy since has become that whatever discomfort I may feel or however annoying someone may for some reason find my reach out, it is nothing compared to whatever the person in need of reaching out to is experiencing.
Call your new parent friends or those who need support! And new parent friends don't feel bad about ignoring or rejecting our calls until you need it.
Totally! After our friends had their second kid we would regularly come by and steal their dog for a walk (literally just texting them right before so they knew why he was gone if they noticed lol) or a doggy playdate which they expressed was extremely helpful - we also checked in about how much we were texting them in general and that we didn't expect a reply but we could also stop sending them texts if it felt overwhelming to read and they said they loved getting updates on our lives and to keep sending them even though they were unlikely to reply. After the newborn phase, we would come over and cook dinner for them in their house so that they didn't have to leave or cook. I think it's so important to ask people what they want/need and to err on the side of being TOO MUCH.
As a little girl I was described as annoying frequently. I’m sure I was! But this made me wonder how that shame has diminished me. I often show up as an “underbearer” in adult life. Your reflection helps me add a shade of understanding and compassion to my own, as well as an openness to change. Thank you!
I love this so much! I'm going to have to make myself an index of all of your matrices and graphs because they're so helpful. One way I've worked on finding the rainbow edge of annoying, or sitting in that sweet spot, is by cultivating relationships in which I can trust that the other person will tell me if I have crossed the thin line from helpful and involved into annoying and overbearing, and they can trust that if they tell me that I will take it as a momentary state that I can course correct rather than take it as a condemnation of my character or some kind of lasting critique of who I am. You can't have intimate relationships without annoying and being annoyed by others, and I love your framework for navigating that.
I can’t remember who the guest was but on Amy Poehler’s podcast they talked about whether they’d like to be known as annoying or boring - both she and the guest agreed annoying was the better choice. It’s my new favorite question to ask people! I’ve been going through a divorce this year and have certainly felt annoying (and annoyed lol) at times but any time I risk asking for help or support or “feeling annoying” it’s always brought me closer to those who love me and has been worth it tenfold.
My mom came to the rescue from Brazil to NY during Christmas, and it was life saving. The bond is visible. The best thing we can get ❤️we are lucky to have moms like these
Truly believe there is no greater pleasure in life than having something asked of you and having the capacity to rise to it. And the flip side of that - offering or giving something that actually is the right thing for someone else. Heaven on earth!
Ugh I love this! Thank you for once again putting into words something that so many of us have been wrestling with! It’s therapy. Not to give you homework but could you please write something about teenage shame for me lol.
Also, my mom thanked me profusely for “letting her” spend the night with us when my son was a newborn and responded to his every cry so we could sleep. Moms are angels.
A) I’ve never felt more jewish than I did reading this. lol. the idea of having a mother who’s not overbearing!
B) I’m a very loyal friend but I typically err on the side of “underbearing” (see above) but there are def times when life demands that you jump in feet first and risk being annoying. This happened to me a few years ago when my boss/mentor’s wife died and i found myself leaning way the fuck in. in a way that i didn’t feel sure about but ultimately seemed right and deeply deeply appreciated. too complex to process in a substack comment, but I think it’s a gut feeling you have to learn to listen to.
My mom is not jewish and while incredibly loving and kind and generous, if she knows I have an appointment scheduled she will remind me of it (even though I am in my mid-thirties and living in a different time zone). If I tell her about a problem she immediately shares every solution she can think of. She is very interested in my life but to the point that I don't want to share details some times because she will follow-up on them to the nth degree! I wish she had a sprinkle of Haley's mom in her bones.
This is my mom too! She is unfailingly supportive and will listen to any issue I have but almost never gives advice to “allow me to make my own decisions”. Which usually I find more irritating than freeing but I know she just wants me to trust myself more. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have an overbearing parent with both of mine being so hands off, and I think often about how I will adjust that dial for my own children.
I loved this! I’m from the south but don’t live there anymore, and my best friend and I often talk about how we miss the culturally inherent sense of responsibility to other people (which of course is not always sincere but more than in other regions I’ve lived). Feel like I have to beg my non-southern friends to let me drive them to the airport/help them move/watch their dog/run an errand for them when they’re sick/make them dinner!! And often even when they agree they are so apologetic or say thank you 100 times. Love to inconvenience myself for the people I love when they want/need it <3
Oh this topic is bursting!! Thank you for sharing. I have felt this exact way about my mom, as I’m 99.9% the one who calls her instead of the other way around. Does SHE miss ME? The answer is of course. She just doesn’t want to bother me. Which I’ve told her she could never. But still, she didn’t want to.
This is so unexpectedly timely. I've been wishing a lot the last few years that I had parents who were more overbearing. And as a person who is frequently sick/gets colds and also writes and has to record myself talking for a living, don't stop sharing when you're sick! It makes me feel less alone!
I’m so glad you decided (or maybe you haven’t) to not filter your sickness. It’s real. It’s a part of your life. Nothing about it is annoying except that being sick is annoying!
I like this newsletter. It also makes me sad and gives me pause. My anxiety and self criticism seems to be the backbone of my life and sense of self for so long. How sad! I often wonder, especially as a psychotherapist, how do we help people find themselves when their histories and thoughts have been shaded darkly and full of anxiety/sadness/what have you. It can’t all be sad. The self peeks through. The spirit is there!
Maybe there’s freedom in accepting even the sadness in you. Or the fact that you’ve been sick a lot! (Lol)
As a chronic "underbearer" I've been reflecting a lot in the last year on what that's cost me in terms of closeness with friends, opportunities at work etc. and trying to become more comfortable with showing my neediness instead of shriveling at the thought.
The phrase "the price of community is inconvenience" was huge in 2025; for me, for this year, I've been adapting it to the mantra "the price is Being The Inconvenience" - Time to become a thorn in everyone's side!
100% ! I also try to remind myself often that people LIKE to feel and be needed. We went through a tough time in my family during 2025 and I grabbed a rental car and raced home to be with my parents one particularly rough Sunday night. As my dad was thanking me during a walk that week for being so present, I told him (very honestly) that it was really nice to be needed.
Trying to keep reminding myself that asking for help gives the people in my life the opportunity to be needed as well.
I love this and agree ❤️ Also with dinner parties etc I feel now that if I give people tasks or things to bring it makes them more invested in the event and excited to come.
Sorry your family had such a rough time, wishing you a better 2026!
Yes! And thank you 💛
this made me cry. so much to say about this topic!!! i got multiple surgeries this year — double mastectomy and reconstruction and a touch up — and i felt so scared of how much i needed people and their support and help. help with my own hygiene (milking my bloody drains, showering), logistical and childcare help with my son (i could not lift him for cumulative months!), emotional help with feeling OK about my drastically changing body!!! it sounds soooo corny but i was really touched and honestly shocked by how many people responded when i reached out for support — people who wanted to both help materially but also bear witness to what i was going through, who literally just wanted to sit and watch tv with me or do a puzzle with me! i cry thinking about it honestly. we all need to be maintained!!! and i think i also gave people something too, not just took — i showed people something ugly and scary and vulnerable which i think in turn made them feel more comfortable doing the same with me (and hopefully others).
“Distance costs more.” Yes yes yes! I have been thinking a lot about this since entering motherhood this spring. I didn’t have any idea of what I’d want or need when the baby came home. My mom stayed with us for a couple weeks and I thought when she left I’d have my feet under me a bit and then our friends would step in. But as soon as my baby came, and my mom left, omg I did not want to be alone but no one was coming by. It felt like all of my friends watched the same TikTok that gave them the advice that you should give new moms space, and let them tell you when to come over and what to do to help. Maybe that’s good advice for some people but I did not have the energy to do that! And I barely knew what I needed. I just wanted someone to sit and chat with me, lol. It felt pathetic to send a text like that when no one asked. The “space” I was given in the moment just felt like my friends didn’t care as much as I thought. Which was obviously untrue, but not helpful with all the other postpartum vulnerabilities. I left that experience and just vowed to myself that moving forward in my life, I’d rather be told to chill out or give some space than risk my friend thinking I don’t care about them. I think what this piece has shown me is that I can take the risk of being told to chill out when asking for what I need too!
I’d love to see this explored more! I don’t have kids and I feel like I’ve seen a lot of advice about not trying to come over and see your friends after they’ve had a baby (including one that said to wait 2 months!) or to only have very structured interactions where you bring food etc. I’m sure some people would like that, but like you’ve said, not everyone is the same and you don’t know what you like! It seems like now we are being told to err on the side of not being involved or not being a burden, instead of erring on the side of trying to be present and helpful, even if you have to be told to chill out a bit. I like the idea of encouraging everyone to be closer to the annoying side than then underbearing side. Especially with good friends.
Totally! I’m sure it depends person to person. I live far away from where I grew up, so I didn’t have like loads of family coming by. When my husband went back to work I spent most of my time alone with the baby. I was so bored and lonely! Friends would timidly ask for a good time to come by and I’d be like “literally any time for as long as you want” 😂.
Not a birth but I had a friend (who I wasn't so close to at the time) go through a family tragedy. I couldn't stop thinking about her and decided to call. After a few rings she rejected my call and I just sent a message telling her I was thinking of her and sending support.
Since then, we've become closer and she's brought up more than once how her in the moment reaction was indeed annoyance at my call (oh well), because she was in the throes of sorting things out surrounding the event, but then was so comforted to receive my message and that it and my attempted call always meant a lot to her.
My philosophy since has become that whatever discomfort I may feel or however annoying someone may for some reason find my reach out, it is nothing compared to whatever the person in need of reaching out to is experiencing.
Call your new parent friends or those who need support! And new parent friends don't feel bad about ignoring or rejecting our calls until you need it.
Totally! After our friends had their second kid we would regularly come by and steal their dog for a walk (literally just texting them right before so they knew why he was gone if they noticed lol) or a doggy playdate which they expressed was extremely helpful - we also checked in about how much we were texting them in general and that we didn't expect a reply but we could also stop sending them texts if it felt overwhelming to read and they said they loved getting updates on our lives and to keep sending them even though they were unlikely to reply. After the newborn phase, we would come over and cook dinner for them in their house so that they didn't have to leave or cook. I think it's so important to ask people what they want/need and to err on the side of being TOO MUCH.
Wow this made me cry 🥹 this is the exact way to do it in my opinion!
As a little girl I was described as annoying frequently. I’m sure I was! But this made me wonder how that shame has diminished me. I often show up as an “underbearer” in adult life. Your reflection helps me add a shade of understanding and compassion to my own, as well as an openness to change. Thank you!
I really relate to this!
I love this so much! I'm going to have to make myself an index of all of your matrices and graphs because they're so helpful. One way I've worked on finding the rainbow edge of annoying, or sitting in that sweet spot, is by cultivating relationships in which I can trust that the other person will tell me if I have crossed the thin line from helpful and involved into annoying and overbearing, and they can trust that if they tell me that I will take it as a momentary state that I can course correct rather than take it as a condemnation of my character or some kind of lasting critique of who I am. You can't have intimate relationships without annoying and being annoyed by others, and I love your framework for navigating that.
I can’t remember who the guest was but on Amy Poehler’s podcast they talked about whether they’d like to be known as annoying or boring - both she and the guest agreed annoying was the better choice. It’s my new favorite question to ask people! I’ve been going through a divorce this year and have certainly felt annoying (and annoyed lol) at times but any time I risk asking for help or support or “feeling annoying” it’s always brought me closer to those who love me and has been worth it tenfold.
It was Cole Escola’s episode!
Omg! How could I forget Cole! Shame on me.
My mom came to the rescue from Brazil to NY during Christmas, and it was life saving. The bond is visible. The best thing we can get ❤️we are lucky to have moms like these
Thank you for describing my own mom perfectly ❤️
Truly believe there is no greater pleasure in life than having something asked of you and having the capacity to rise to it. And the flip side of that - offering or giving something that actually is the right thing for someone else. Heaven on earth!
Ugh I love this! Thank you for once again putting into words something that so many of us have been wrestling with! It’s therapy. Not to give you homework but could you please write something about teenage shame for me lol.
Also, my mom thanked me profusely for “letting her” spend the night with us when my son was a newborn and responded to his every cry so we could sleep. Moms are angels.
A) I’ve never felt more jewish than I did reading this. lol. the idea of having a mother who’s not overbearing!
B) I’m a very loyal friend but I typically err on the side of “underbearing” (see above) but there are def times when life demands that you jump in feet first and risk being annoying. This happened to me a few years ago when my boss/mentor’s wife died and i found myself leaning way the fuck in. in a way that i didn’t feel sure about but ultimately seemed right and deeply deeply appreciated. too complex to process in a substack comment, but I think it’s a gut feeling you have to learn to listen to.
My mom is not jewish and while incredibly loving and kind and generous, if she knows I have an appointment scheduled she will remind me of it (even though I am in my mid-thirties and living in a different time zone). If I tell her about a problem she immediately shares every solution she can think of. She is very interested in my life but to the point that I don't want to share details some times because she will follow-up on them to the nth degree! I wish she had a sprinkle of Haley's mom in her bones.
This is my mom too! She is unfailingly supportive and will listen to any issue I have but almost never gives advice to “allow me to make my own decisions”. Which usually I find more irritating than freeing but I know she just wants me to trust myself more. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have an overbearing parent with both of mine being so hands off, and I think often about how I will adjust that dial for my own children.
I loved this! I’m from the south but don’t live there anymore, and my best friend and I often talk about how we miss the culturally inherent sense of responsibility to other people (which of course is not always sincere but more than in other regions I’ve lived). Feel like I have to beg my non-southern friends to let me drive them to the airport/help them move/watch their dog/run an errand for them when they’re sick/make them dinner!! And often even when they agree they are so apologetic or say thank you 100 times. Love to inconvenience myself for the people I love when they want/need it <3
Oh this topic is bursting!! Thank you for sharing. I have felt this exact way about my mom, as I’m 99.9% the one who calls her instead of the other way around. Does SHE miss ME? The answer is of course. She just doesn’t want to bother me. Which I’ve told her she could never. But still, she didn’t want to.
This is so unexpectedly timely. I've been wishing a lot the last few years that I had parents who were more overbearing. And as a person who is frequently sick/gets colds and also writes and has to record myself talking for a living, don't stop sharing when you're sick! It makes me feel less alone!
I’m so glad you decided (or maybe you haven’t) to not filter your sickness. It’s real. It’s a part of your life. Nothing about it is annoying except that being sick is annoying!
I like this newsletter. It also makes me sad and gives me pause. My anxiety and self criticism seems to be the backbone of my life and sense of self for so long. How sad! I often wonder, especially as a psychotherapist, how do we help people find themselves when their histories and thoughts have been shaded darkly and full of anxiety/sadness/what have you. It can’t all be sad. The self peeks through. The spirit is there!
Maybe there’s freedom in accepting even the sadness in you. Or the fact that you’ve been sick a lot! (Lol)
Hope everyone is feeling better!