I’ve been using the term ‘extinction burst’ to describe our current political climate and the concept is one of the only things helping me maintain any semblance of optimism right now. Feels like it’s the last extreme outburst of a dying, decrepit movement. I might be wrong but here’s to hoping.
!!! My mom (ever wise!) always says (especially of problems with parenting) that when you finally declare your inability to stand something any more, it’s actually already imperceptibly getting better without you realizing it and is about to resolve. I forwarded this to her because extinction burst is a great term for her sage advice.
I’m feeling this (slowly, overtime) with drinking. I’m in my late 30s with a kid and drinking just doesn’t hit like it used to: immediate anxiety, bad sleep, guilt.
I’ve known for a while that when I drink I’m actually just trying to harness what drinking felt like in my 20s - child-free, carefree, doing dumb fun shit with friends - and I drinking won’t transport me back there. And yet…!
To your point, sometimes you just need the reminder the old way doesn’t work anymore.
I've been daydreaming about being a single flirty 25 year old living in the city, yearning for that time in my life, and it hurts the same way yearning for an unrequited love does: painful but also it feels kind of good to press on that bruise. The angst of it all! Any time I'm out dancing with friends getting a taste of that younger version of myself, I'm also thinking of rushing home to my toddler, to my husband, to our home, and I remember how I also yearned for this life when I was 25. I felt unbridled envy for mothers with committed partners. It's easy to forget.
Wow I’m going to be insufferable with this new term. But also, it tracks. I always get grumpy and intractable when I’m about to finish a novel. Yet I’ve never had a word to describe that feeling. It is also continually shocking to me how we think that, as adults, our psychology is fundamentally different than when we were kids. But as my own kids are constantly teaching me, adults just hide ourselves better. So much being an adult requires “unlearning” our own adaptations…
I had a paragraph about this that I ended up cutting but I think about this constantly! Basically everything babies/toddlers struggle with we also struggle with as adults
Yes! I have never understood myself better than I have through parenting. It’s humbling for sure, but also weirdly comforting to know, like, it’s not that deep. We are not as complicated as we think we are.
I learned about extinction bursts while ignoring my dog's "demand barking" (so many poetic terms in behavioralism!) There was SO much noise, and then there was none. That term was like a magic spell for me--it helped me stay the course when all evidence so clearly suggested that what I was doing was NOT working. It's such a great reminder to maintain consistency when on the brink of despair.....and it's also just stunningly evocative, which never hurts.
I learned about the term “extinction burst” from Captain Awkward, in the context of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. It describes the phenomenon of the abuser ramping up their behavior when their target tries to leave. The term had only negative connotations for me, but I like this version of it too, where it’s a signpost of personal growth.
Unrelated but I'm in a bind - does anyone remember what is the quote that Haley (/you, if you're reading) has mentioned a few times about decisions made in emotional headspace vs... something else? I remember the feeling but not the words and need to express it to someone!
Love! This coincides with the last Shrinking episode (Iykyk), which i’ve been thinking about…
it seems like if something isn’t meant for you, the universe will keep closing doors in your face. This feels like such a crazy experience to me, but I’ve been wondering if it might just be that I’m not young anymore, where everything that happened was essentially on a blank slate and felt so novel. Now I have a slate full of things and lots of opinions on what happens in my life. If a door closes, it feels like such a loss, and starting down a new path feels incredibly vulnerable. I feel paralyzed in that sense. And that’s why I keep trying old patterns.
‘Take new steps’ - love! The emotion being stronger just before resolving/letting go is so true. Could it be because this is the moment you finally turn towards it, and it can be expressed? I’m going to re-read this article a few times. There’s so much in here 💞
I’ve been using the term ‘extinction burst’ to describe our current political climate and the concept is one of the only things helping me maintain any semblance of optimism right now. Feels like it’s the last extreme outburst of a dying, decrepit movement. I might be wrong but here’s to hoping.
damn yeah
Pls pls pls pls pls!! Love this.
Yes! I haven’t had this phrase before today — thank you Haley — but I also have been feeling this.
!!! My mom (ever wise!) always says (especially of problems with parenting) that when you finally declare your inability to stand something any more, it’s actually already imperceptibly getting better without you realizing it and is about to resolve. I forwarded this to her because extinction burst is a great term for her sage advice.
Wowww I love this
lol came to the comments to say this but my own sister beat me to the punch
Hahaha hi Catherine ♊️
I’m feeling this (slowly, overtime) with drinking. I’m in my late 30s with a kid and drinking just doesn’t hit like it used to: immediate anxiety, bad sleep, guilt.
I’ve known for a while that when I drink I’m actually just trying to harness what drinking felt like in my 20s - child-free, carefree, doing dumb fun shit with friends - and I drinking won’t transport me back there. And yet…!
To your point, sometimes you just need the reminder the old way doesn’t work anymore.
I've been daydreaming about being a single flirty 25 year old living in the city, yearning for that time in my life, and it hurts the same way yearning for an unrequited love does: painful but also it feels kind of good to press on that bruise. The angst of it all! Any time I'm out dancing with friends getting a taste of that younger version of myself, I'm also thinking of rushing home to my toddler, to my husband, to our home, and I remember how I also yearned for this life when I was 25. I felt unbridled envy for mothers with committed partners. It's easy to forget.
Wow I’m going to be insufferable with this new term. But also, it tracks. I always get grumpy and intractable when I’m about to finish a novel. Yet I’ve never had a word to describe that feeling. It is also continually shocking to me how we think that, as adults, our psychology is fundamentally different than when we were kids. But as my own kids are constantly teaching me, adults just hide ourselves better. So much being an adult requires “unlearning” our own adaptations…
I had a paragraph about this that I ended up cutting but I think about this constantly! Basically everything babies/toddlers struggle with we also struggle with as adults
Yes! I have never understood myself better than I have through parenting. It’s humbling for sure, but also weirdly comforting to know, like, it’s not that deep. We are not as complicated as we think we are.
I learned about extinction bursts while ignoring my dog's "demand barking" (so many poetic terms in behavioralism!) There was SO much noise, and then there was none. That term was like a magic spell for me--it helped me stay the course when all evidence so clearly suggested that what I was doing was NOT working. It's such a great reminder to maintain consistency when on the brink of despair.....and it's also just stunningly evocative, which never hurts.
I learned about the term “extinction burst” from Captain Awkward, in the context of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. It describes the phenomenon of the abuser ramping up their behavior when their target tries to leave. The term had only negative connotations for me, but I like this version of it too, where it’s a signpost of personal growth.
Ok wait, no, but me, I am actually turning a page now that my toddler is almost 2.5.
Hahaha I believe you!
or I would be if we all weren’t constantly getting sick
Lol and therein lies the problem…
Unrelated but I'm in a bind - does anyone remember what is the quote that Haley (/you, if you're reading) has mentioned a few times about decisions made in emotional headspace vs... something else? I remember the feeling but not the words and need to express it to someone!
Thank you!
“Desire that arises in agitation is an expression of the ego; desire that arises in stillness is an expression of the soul.” ?
Helll yaaaaaaaa
that's the one baby
THANK YOU!!
Love! This coincides with the last Shrinking episode (Iykyk), which i’ve been thinking about…
it seems like if something isn’t meant for you, the universe will keep closing doors in your face. This feels like such a crazy experience to me, but I’ve been wondering if it might just be that I’m not young anymore, where everything that happened was essentially on a blank slate and felt so novel. Now I have a slate full of things and lots of opinions on what happens in my life. If a door closes, it feels like such a loss, and starting down a new path feels incredibly vulnerable. I feel paralyzed in that sense. And that’s why I keep trying old patterns.
I loved the levity in your writing here. And love how your writing shapeshifts so much from piece to piece!
‘Take new steps’ - love! The emotion being stronger just before resolving/letting go is so true. Could it be because this is the moment you finally turn towards it, and it can be expressed? I’m going to re-read this article a few times. There’s so much in here 💞