As someone recently diagnosed with OCD I’ve been thinking a lot about this exact concept you describe of the discomfort with uncertainty (said discomfort is one definition I’ve heard used for OCD—a framework I find really interesting). Acceptance of uncertainty/fear/anxiety and willingness to experience these are some of the common therapies for OCD, as is becoming mindful of the sources of uncertainty and how they make you feel (rather than shying away from them or distracting yourself from feeling your reaction to them).
^Perhaps a random tangent but I found the connections to the beginning of your piece interesting! :)
I came here to comment something similar as a fellow OCD-er (OCDiva?)! The opening musings on the tension of waiting really resonated with me. I'm learning that it often boils down to control (or lack thereof), and you're spot on about leaning into the uncertainty and its sources. Cheers, friend!
I actually avoided reading that Sherry Ning essay when it came out because I was afraid it would show me what I already fear to be true; it’s really hard for me to name my values (and therefore genuine desires) without getting too caught up in what is genuinely *mine* and what belongs to a past version of myself.
If I look really hard at most of my choices as an adult through this Maybe Baby framework I would probably say I’ve led a side door life up to very recently. I had a very conservative Christian upbringing. For years of my life my “front doors” were shown to me through a lens I had no real agency over. When I started deconstructing as an adult the proverbial wheels came off of my life, and I just started falling through whatever open door was closest.
Thankfully I’m not filled with regret or unhappy with where I’ve landed, but I am grateful in my 40s to finally be at a place where I can see the difference between the doors more frequently.
Thank you for this essay. I've been finding lately that it's helpful to just have more awareness around my desires and simply notice them, especially around compulsive things I want to curb. For example, trying to not smoke cigarettes - every time for the past month or so I've craved an immediate cigarette I try to access the feeling (usually fear/anxiety) that has me desiring one and let the moment pass. But then I was offered a cig after a heavy meal the other night and thought oh sure and it was nice. Perhaps it's a grand justification but for me there was a difference. I've never successfully altered a behavior by forcing myself with rules to change
"and the gist is that it made me lose my mind." <3
"both initially present as front-door and only understood to be distinct in hindsight." shaking from this line......!!!!
"If time and reflection can help us parse our true desires from our covert ones, the goal of capitalism is to speed things up enough that none of us pause to ask." sweating and yelling about this whoa
"not to sidestep the trapdoor through self-discipline and claim victory over it, but to allow oneself to fall gracefully through it." yea, yes, uh huh
"Only later can I see that I was falling for another kind of trap, whereby I might behave “better” through the discipline of my character." sentences that make me want to run into the ocean.....another trapdoor if you will....
great piece this week, can already tell i will be returning to this one.
This makes me think of work a friend (who is a psychologist) has done around procrastination. She says that when we are procrastinating we are often just avoiding the negative emotion associated with that thing, not the thing itself.
Maybe sounds obvious but it can be groundbreaking to pause and say “hmm what emotion am I avoiding rn by avoiding this task”
felt like I needed to circle back…tested the following day and it was positive 😭 1st positive, 1st pregnancy, 1st baby. hard to explain how much your work and writing has helped me along this journey. I have binged all your motherhood content the last few years and I am just so grateful for you and your work. please never stop! 💘
OMG!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!! In case you're interested, here's a pod I recorded in the first weeks after I found out—it's about miscarriage anxiety (and the mindset that cured me from it) but I didn't actually use that language because I wasn't ready to share yet!
Bookmarking this for next time I unlock and understand a pattern of behaviour in therapy, and after breaking down the whole system I am left bereft of practical use of what to do with that awareness… :)
I love reading your writing so much!!
As someone recently diagnosed with OCD I’ve been thinking a lot about this exact concept you describe of the discomfort with uncertainty (said discomfort is one definition I’ve heard used for OCD—a framework I find really interesting). Acceptance of uncertainty/fear/anxiety and willingness to experience these are some of the common therapies for OCD, as is becoming mindful of the sources of uncertainty and how they make you feel (rather than shying away from them or distracting yourself from feeling your reaction to them).
^Perhaps a random tangent but I found the connections to the beginning of your piece interesting! :)
I came here to comment something similar as a fellow OCD-er (OCDiva?)! The opening musings on the tension of waiting really resonated with me. I'm learning that it often boils down to control (or lack thereof), and you're spot on about leaning into the uncertainty and its sources. Cheers, friend!
I actually avoided reading that Sherry Ning essay when it came out because I was afraid it would show me what I already fear to be true; it’s really hard for me to name my values (and therefore genuine desires) without getting too caught up in what is genuinely *mine* and what belongs to a past version of myself.
If I look really hard at most of my choices as an adult through this Maybe Baby framework I would probably say I’ve led a side door life up to very recently. I had a very conservative Christian upbringing. For years of my life my “front doors” were shown to me through a lens I had no real agency over. When I started deconstructing as an adult the proverbial wheels came off of my life, and I just started falling through whatever open door was closest.
Thankfully I’m not filled with regret or unhappy with where I’ve landed, but I am grateful in my 40s to finally be at a place where I can see the difference between the doors more frequently.
Thank you for this essay. I've been finding lately that it's helpful to just have more awareness around my desires and simply notice them, especially around compulsive things I want to curb. For example, trying to not smoke cigarettes - every time for the past month or so I've craved an immediate cigarette I try to access the feeling (usually fear/anxiety) that has me desiring one and let the moment pass. But then I was offered a cig after a heavy meal the other night and thought oh sure and it was nice. Perhaps it's a grand justification but for me there was a difference. I've never successfully altered a behavior by forcing myself with rules to change
"and the gist is that it made me lose my mind." <3
"both initially present as front-door and only understood to be distinct in hindsight." shaking from this line......!!!!
"If time and reflection can help us parse our true desires from our covert ones, the goal of capitalism is to speed things up enough that none of us pause to ask." sweating and yelling about this whoa
"not to sidestep the trapdoor through self-discipline and claim victory over it, but to allow oneself to fall gracefully through it." yea, yes, uh huh
"Only later can I see that I was falling for another kind of trap, whereby I might behave “better” through the discipline of my character." sentences that make me want to run into the ocean.....another trapdoor if you will....
great piece this week, can already tell i will be returning to this one.
This makes me think of work a friend (who is a psychologist) has done around procrastination. She says that when we are procrastinating we are often just avoiding the negative emotion associated with that thing, not the thing itself.
Maybe sounds obvious but it can be groundbreaking to pause and say “hmm what emotion am I avoiding rn by avoiding this task”
currently in the last days of another two week wait 😅 so realllyyyyy feeling this. your essays are always magically so timely 🫶🏼
felt like I needed to circle back…tested the following day and it was positive 😭 1st positive, 1st pregnancy, 1st baby. hard to explain how much your work and writing has helped me along this journey. I have binged all your motherhood content the last few years and I am just so grateful for you and your work. please never stop! 💘
OMG!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!! In case you're interested, here's a pod I recorded in the first weeks after I found out—it's about miscarriage anxiety (and the mindset that cured me from it) but I didn't actually use that language because I wasn't ready to share yet!
https://haleynahman.substack.com/p/not-optimism-not-pessimism-but-a
Looove when you read my mind without trying! 💕
Love this essay 💗 thank you Haley!!
Brilliant as always <3 thank you Haley
Bookmarking this for next time I unlock and understand a pattern of behaviour in therapy, and after breaking down the whole system I am left bereft of practical use of what to do with that awareness… :)