#34: On feeling like a "composed adult"

10 habits, specifically

Hello!

Today I’m running my advice column, Dear Baby, in which I answer five reader questions for paying subscribers. As per tradition (i.e. I did it last month), I’m going to share the first of the five with you here.

Haley

On habits

“What do you think are some things you’ve done or habits you’ve formed that have made you [at least feel like] a composed adult? Or how do you make yourself feel secure in immaturity/growth?”

I love how you framed this question. At the risk of tarnishing it by being corny, I’ve made a list of things that occurred to me while I thought it through. I think our consciousness has a way of shifting with us, making us feel the same as we’ve ever felt, but these things stick out to me as disrupting that and making my evolution more plain to me (when I manage to do them).

1. Being tidy. This is less about tidiness universally representing maturity (it doesn’t) and more about developing an understanding of what physical conditions contribute to my mental health and then valuing my mental health enough to create them. This could mean making my bed in the morning, putting my clothes away after I wear them, or unpacking my bag right when I get home from a trip. In a general sense, it translates to having a proper spot for everything in my apartment, and actively and creatively solving for that when I don’t. It also means cutting myself a break sometimes, and knowing that’s important to my mental health too.

2. Being open about my private struggles with the people I care about. I honed this one over the course of my twenties and found that it got easier the more I did it—not only because voicing things has a way of diffusing them, but also because it gives others permission to open up in response. To state the obvious, this builds intimacy and abates shame.

3. Apologizing and/or taking responsibility very quickly when I know I’ve fucked up or hurt someone (even if I didn’t mean to). There was a time when pride played a larger role in managing conflict for me, but I’ve since recognized that as a form of entitlement.

4. Likewise, expressing very clearly and without much fanfare when someone or something hurt me, and why.

5. Finally embracing an idea I knew intellectually for a long time but struggled to internalize, which is that certain emotions and struggles won’t last forever. It’s a truism that’s trotted out constantly as a way to comfort people during hard times, but it took me years of practice to incorporate it into my emotional experience. Feelings aren’t truth.

6. Just trying the fucking food I don’t want to try or suspect I might not like. Best case, it will surprise me. Worst case, it won’t taste good, which is honestly not that big of a deal and will be over in 10 seconds.

7. I’m still working on this one, but not taking my perspective for granted. The way I see the world isn’t necessarily the way it is; it’s a result of my experiences and personality. Naturally, the same is true for other people who see things differently from me.

8. Knowing that admiring someone else’s way of life (style, habits, behavior) doesn’t mean I want it, need it, or would even like it for myself.

9. Learning to navigate guilt. There is a difference between guilt that ought to be taken as an internal signal and guilt as a mechanism for baseless self-punishment. For example, if I flake on a friend and feel guilty, that’s fine. I should feel guilty; it’s an unpleasant emotion that serves the function of making me more reliable or thoughtful about when I commit to something in the future, i.e. it’s an expression of my value system. But if I feel guilty for taking a day off, I want to challenge that, because the value system animating that emotion is not one I agree with.

10. Lastly (at least for this list), embracing “where I’m at.” No matter the pursuit, I’ve gotten better at incorporating my understanding of process into how I perceive my station or performance. This is a nod to the latter part of your question, which I think is really well-put. I think half of feeling grown up is understanding that’s not something that happens all at once, or means what you think it means when you’re 16. To that end, I could also easily write a list of habits that regularly make me feel stupid and young, and I hope that sense of in-progress never goes away.

Here are the other four questions of the week:

2. How has learning about workism changed your relationship to work, career, ambition? Can you survive or belong in America without being a strict subscriber to workism or will you be ostracized as "not ambitious"?

3. Can people in a relationship just be “wrong” for each other? How much agency do we have in building a relationship?

4. When you left Man Repeller, how did you picture your work life as a freelancer and how much does that vary compared to your current situation?

5. Any advice for successful pitches without having a long list of flashy bylines?

If you’d like to read my answers, you can subscribe here then head to my Substack homepage, where you’ll find all issues including today’s.

Thanks for reading! Hope you have a nice Sunday.