#52: Getting dressed
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Good morning!
Last week, in some kind of fugue state, I decided to write a newsletter about outfits, and so I asked you all for style prompts. I was inspired by seeing non-stop tweets about clothes on my timeline, especially from people who don’t typically tweet about clothes, like academics. I found this charming and relatable. After a year inside, everyone is ready to feel less like a sentient throw pillow. And yet in the days since, the notion of putting on outfits for this newsletter has filled me with dread. Or more accurately, fear. Of what people might think, or what I might think about myself, if I did it.
You might find that sort of conflict boring (“just have some fun you overthinking cuck!”), or maybe you agree with the person who told me last week that writing about my style for Maybe Baby would not be “appropriate, relevant or necessary.” Inevitably I will disappoint both camps, because this newsletter reflects me, for better or worse, and that means it will reflect that I 1. like fashion and 2. maintain doubts about that affection. If the test of a first-rate intelligence, per Fitzgerald, is “to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function,” I’ve nailed the first part. Maybe through more exploration I can manage the second. Ideally before I’m dead.
It’s a ripe time to unpack all this. Everything that’s ever made me feel conflicted about fashion—its consumerist bent, its inaccessibility, it’s exclusionary tendencies, its burden on the planet and on laborers, its superficiality, its individualism, its myopia—have never been more present than on the heels of a pandemic. And I could say the same for everything I love about it: its power to change a mood or transform a person, its flexibility, its expressiveness, its ability to connect and cohere communities, its creativity, its accessibility. I know I said it’s inaccessible and accessible, but I really think it’s both: fashion, as an art form, defines itself through exceptionalism, and yet everyone gets dressed. I never forgot something Vanessa Friedman, the chief fashion critic at the New York Times, once said about fashion’s accessibility in an interview:
“[O]ne of my favorite stories that Harold Koda told me once is that they measure the decibel levels in different departments at The Met, and the Costume Institute always has the highest amount of talk, because it's the one exhibit that every visitor feels they can legitimately have an opinion on, whereas Kandinsky or Renoir, they tend to stay a little quieter.”
I love that about fashion. I also respect it as a cultural weathervane when translated thoughtfully. Critics, essayists, and journalists like Friedman, Robin Givhan, Cathy Horyn, Haley Mlotek, Lauran Sherman—they all do this so well. But my own interest in fashion is much more personal, much too mired in the business of being perceived, to truly transcend my own neuroses. I’m still sorting out where it fits into my moral framework. This is one of the reasons I’ve found it liberating to produce my newsletter after working at Man Repeller. I am no longer beholden to an ethos regarding fashion’s inherent goodness. I get to set my own ethos. The irony is, Maybe Baby is supposedly about exploring hard-to-describe feelings and ideas, so by avoiding fashion, I’m still a bit of a traitor.
A Buddhist friend of mine once told me about the concept of upādāna, which is Sanskrit for “clinging,” “attachment,” or “grasping,” although (according to Wikipedia) the literal meaning is “fuel.” Upādāna is seen as one of the primary causes of suffering. This clinging refers, I believe, to existential notions such as “permanent selfhood,” and the ways we respond to such beliefs, i.e. by overemphasizing the self, we forfeit the divine. Attachment, as my friend explained, was the issue; not merely enjoyment. There’s a difference. But really I have no business explaining Buddhist principles. I brought this up only to explain what I think might disturb me about my relationship with fashion: While sometimes I find it genuinely additive, connective, and expressive, I think I’m also attached to it in ways that perpetuate harm. Not just for myself (fashion as status; fashion as expectation), but for others as well. I think this is true for many people whether our culture is ready to contend with it or not. Fashion, in this way, may be conditionally and individually liberating, but it is not broadly liberatory, at least not necessarily.
Of course, none of that changes the reality that all of us get dressed every day, and barring nudists, have to. So today, I’m keeping that in mind. I took your style prompts—which I loved, by the way, and which touched me in ways I can’t quite express (very humanizing?)—chose five, and styled an outfit for each one. I originally imagined this exercise would land me further in the realm of the imaginative, but your prompts were super practical. This helped me reconcile the liberating and constricting sides of fashion: the understanding that clothes might change how we feel or how we’re seen, and the pressure to rise to that occasion. I tried to choose outfits that might offer genuine tips I use to feel better in my clothes, especially when I feel lost. A nod to the power—both good and bad—of getting dressed.
On my podcast last week, author Ashley Ford told me her ultimate career aspiration is to only do work that “sounds fun,” so in that spirit, I’m glad I took on this assignment, even if I dragged my feet a little. Because ultimately I do enjoy getting dressed, and today I’m going to put on my blinders and home in on that feeling in the hope that I can pass it on in whatever form you might need it.
1. The transitional one
“You work at a public library and you hate the stereotypical librarian aesthetic... you also work on Saturdays, which are really busy days (you’re on your feet a lot), but you want to be able to go grab a drink w friends after work looking a liiiiittle sexy”
-Rida
I just panic-Googled “stereotypical library aesthetic” to make sure I didn’t dress that way exactly, and I think I tweaked it just enough? I even bent down and pretended to pick up a book and it went great. I think the fun pants help break it up a little. Fun pants and a big blazer feel almost like they come from separate worlds, and that contrast is satisfying. I also appreciate beige against lilac. Imagine these pants with a black blazer—too stark—or a colorful blazer—too Easter. Beige hems it in, but still feels surprising. This white oxford button-down is years old and has served me so well. It was the first thing I thought of when you said you needed something that could transition from professional to a little bit sexy, because buttons (doing, undoing) are the perfect modulator, gender-agnostic. In the “drinks” version of this outfit, I changed my shoes and left only two buttons buttoned. It may not seem very sexy in this photo, but when air is moving in and out of my shirt, I feel inherently more in touch with my body. So it’s really about movement.
I always come back to surprise and contrast when I’m getting dressed: What’s the obvious match, what’s the obvious contrast, and what’s the thing in-between those that you might not even have thought of initially? This is why I make most of my favorite outfits by accident, when I’m changing out of one thing into another.
2. The strategic one
“You’re midsize (10-14) in a fucking sweltering Texas summer meeting your friends for a first post-vax dinner and biker shorts aren’t for you. You prefer winter year round and your clothes as black as your soul. Your style splurge this year was a Brandon Blackwood bag that you will wear with everything.”
-Cristina
I had to look up Brent Blackwood bags and was really excited that I had something similar for this. These two versions come with some caveats: They do not necessarily work for sweltering heat, but they’re more breathable than they look. I chose very lightweight trousers that are so thin I can only wear them when it’s warm—randomly I think a lot of trousers are like this! Hoping you have some too (could swap in a pair of high-waist shorts you love instead). The tank I’m wearing in both is essentially a long bandeau with straps. It hugs me in a really comforting way, and I think it would look great on all bodies. Then I added an extra layer in case you’re a more modest dresser—I say that because I am too, which is why I also prefer winter dressing to summer. On the left is a mesh long sleeve. Mesh is fun because it’s revealing in an unexpected way, and it adds coverage without adding warmth. I even think you could wear a bralette underneath instead.
On the right is a crochet short sleeve cardigan thing (?), which is not warm in the slightest and is very much just for show. I know boots aren’t really a summer go-to, but I tried to keep this black-as-your-soul in spirit—you could swap in sandals (like lace-up ones or Tevas) and I think it would look just as good. Although if you did that I would go with a nude color, because black trousers with black sandals feels wrong (can’t explain).
3. The sitting dilemma
“You're meeting new friends at a park for drinks, a.k.a. you want to look cute and branch out from the leggings you've worn for a year, but you also need to be able to sit comfortably on the ground.”-C
I think this is probably my weakest suggestion, because who has dupes for these clothes? They are too specific! But I’m including it for posterity, because I do think it expresses a few principles worth sharing. Mixing patterns in your wardrobe that you’ve never mixed before is a great way to feel like you’re branching out. I’ve never worn these pants with this sweater, and the novelty of that feels akin to wearing something new. These pants are great for a picnic because I don’t love how they look when I’m standing up, but they are eye-catching and fun and easy to sit in. Going to give another shout-out to platform shoes for adding weight to the bottom of an outfit. I know people think that having something tied around the ankle or adding crew socks “cuts off your leg,” but I actually disagree. It might not “lengthen” them or whatever, but proportionately I prefer it. I can’t explain why—so much of this is intuitive! But give it a try if you’ve avoided them for that reason. Last comment: I love any top that buttons, because it allows you to unbutton the bottom buttons to show off high-waisted pants without having to tuck. Crop tops also work, but I’m imagining this outfit with a crop top and I find it less interesting.
4. The branch-out
“You want to embody the energy in this tweet but you’ve never actually dressed that way before and you want to start moving out of your comfort zone for a fun hot night with your friends 😬😬”-Andie
I chose this one because I relate to it! I don’t have any qualms with dressing in a traditionally sexy way, I just don’t think most options are in line with my taste. This is also why it doesn’t feel right to call me a “modest” dresser (even though I literally just did), since my preferences are not moral, but aesthetic. Anyway, here’s my solve: cut a t-shirt off. It’s the oldest trick in the book. I cut this one in a panic before a friend’s birthday a couple years ago because I wanted to show some skin. Similar to outfit #1, this one translates better in real life than in photos, because it relies on movement, hence my manufactured arm-raise. Imagine if I were dancing. It’s sexy, but in a way that onlookers have to work for it a little, and you’re in control of how much. I paired it with khaki pants and flat boots for contrast, because I think it would feel too obvious with tight jeans and heels, plus I don’t really wear those.
5. The windy one
“A classic: drinks with a person who you want to think that you look fucking phenomenal, but for whatever wild reason you don’t want them to know that you tried on 42 outfit combos before settling on the perfect one. Also, it’s a very windy day and you’re probably going to be outside.” -Sierra
I regret my poses here—just know that. I tried to rewear clothes throughout these outfits to show their versatility (slash I haven’t fully unpacked my shoes). I wear these loafers with black socks a lot in the summer, which I know doesn’t sound summery, but I think they address whatever unfounded insecurity I have about my ankles, which has been huge for my relationship with shorts, which are summery. You give and you take. This is the only skirt I own, and I love it because it doesn’t feel very feminine to me, in a surprising way. It feels almost like casual swooshy pants, and I’m intrigued by that. (The last thing I will say on insecurities, because I would love for us to banish the notion that clothes must flatter according to some standard: If you feel that mid-length skirts hit you in a weird part of your calf, go for “tea length” instead, which hits just above the ankle, but without going full maxi, which swallow bodies in my opinion.) I hoped this skirt would satisfy your tried-but-didn’t-try factor. Same goes for the casually buttoned sweater and scarf, which feel kind of tossed on but also clash in a nice way. I’m not really a scarf person—I’m scarred from the skinny knit ones I used to wear from the Gap in the 90s—but here I find it, again, surprising, because it’s with a summery skirt, so I’m not mad about it. It functions a bit like a sweater, and it’s good for wind if you have long hair.
Okay that’s it! If you got nothing from this, there will be something entirely different for you next week. Now it’s time for some recs, and I have to make them short or this newsletter will get cut off!
1. My Grub Street Diet, which dropped on Friday. Shout out to my brother for being the perfect picnic accomplice.
2. And also (annoying), my own episode of Seek Treatment, a podcast I love a lot by comedians Cat Cohen and Pat Regan. Shout out to the person who said I was boring after listening to it!
3. “The End of Kimye’s Wild Ride,” an incredible cataloguing of Kim and Kanye’s relationship and its cultural impact by Allison P. Davis for Vulture.
4. Speaking of Pat Regan, his brand new newsletter and first issue: “Me and My Eating Disorder and My Eating Disorder Woman and My Gay Therapist and a Gay Doctor I Went to One Time.”
5. My Cousin Vinny, which must be the first rated-R kids movie.
6. “Lovely Day” by Bill Withers, which came on the other day in the grocery store while I was picking up food for a barbecue, thus reminding me it is the best song ever written, or maybe I was just happy?
7. “The strongest form of dissent is unlimited masturbation”—a phrase I saw written on the tote bag of a girl at the camera store on 4/20 who was so high she didn’t know how to ask to get her film developed. <3
8. “Art Doesn’t Need Tyrants,” a great essay by Tavi Gevinson for Vulture, in response to the public fall of Scott Rudin.
9. The apocalyptic movie Greenland, which somehow managed to capture my imagination despite Avi saying it was a solidly “C” movie, and I agree.
10. This NYT breakdown of how ranked-choice voting works, in anticipation of the NYC mayoral primary on June 22nd. (I support Dianne Morales, but also like Scott Stringer and Maya Wiley.)
11. This Curbed piece about “The Best Therapists in New York,” which features me and my therapist!
12. Joe Castle Baker’s Instagram, which is so funny that after I posted one of his bits on my Story, people DM’d me for days being like “wait who was that guy I need to see it again.”
13. Ted Lasso, that show everyone told me genuinely made them feel good during the worst part of the pandemic and I have to say, I get it.
14. “The Ultimate (by Lou Fescano),” another genius short film by my friends Michelle and Daniel.
15. The illuminating bifurcation that is wet snacks versus dry snacks, shared with me by Jane Drinkard who performed my Grub Street interview. There’s a difference! Sometimes you want a wet snack sometimes you want a dry one…use this knowledge wisely.
On the podcast this week: Conflicted about fashion
Excited to bring on the extremely brilliant Haley Mlotek, senior editor of SSENSE, to talk about fashion, style, and how to reconcile our affection and cynicism regarding both. Come for her wisdom, stay for the full emotional breakdown I had before/during recording.
That’s all for this week! Thanks for reading.
Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Covenant House, New York City’s largest provider serving homeless youths.
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