#94: Dear Baby: The baby question and the curse of Wordle in family group chats

Good morning and welcome to my monthly advice column, Dear Baby.

I typically answer three meaty questions in long-form, but today I’m answering 11—some long, some short, some in-between. They cover everything from deciding whether to have kids, to pubic hair, to unwanted hand-me-downs from in-laws, to what to do if your mom won’t stop sending you her Wordle results. I got my Wordle-loving parents to weigh in on that one, lol. Your questions provide endless entertainment (I laugh! I cry!) so thank you for taking the time to send them. (Don’t forget Dear Baby comments are always open if you want to weigh in with your own answers.)

If you’d ever like to ask a question, my Dear Baby intake form is completely anonymous, so get as weird or personal as you want. Or if you’re more the talking type, leave me a voicemail at 802-404-BABY. This week Danny and I will be airing and answering 5 questions—about a boyfriend with a secret Twitter account, whether it’s possible to have a “progressive” wedding, how to know when a relationship is right, and more—out Tuesday at 9am!

1. I’m 27 and still a technical virgin (no p in v). At what point should I tell people I’m dating this? I haven’t been in a relationship in a while but I’d be open to doing that if I felt comfortable. But so far it’s just hook-ups so I haven’t gotten to that point! What do you think? 

Generally, I don’t think you have a responsibility to tell anyone anything about your sexual history unless you a) want to, or b) need to for someone’s health or safety. The concept of “virginity” is falling out of fashion anyway, and for good reason. If it’s important to you that your sexual partner be aware that it’s your first time doing something, I’d suggest focusing on establishing enough trust and comfort with them that it feels easy and natural to do that, and not pushing yourself to disclose it any sooner. I don’t think you need to make it a big deal though, if that’s what you’re hinting at. The less you can treat this like a confession, the better, because it’s not a confession! It’s perfectly normal to try different things at different times. An active sex life is full of firsts.

2. Have you ever explored being in an open relationship with any of your significant others? If you plan to remain partners with Avi for the rest of your life…how do you wrap your head around the reality that he will be the last person you have sex with (assuming you plan to stay monogamous)?

I’ve written at least peripherally about this here, so I’m just directing you there. Short answer is no, I’ve never been in an open relationship, but I definitely don’t feel beholden to a particular set of relationship guidelines for the rest of my life, and it’s important to me that whoever I’m with feels the same way.

3. Hi Haley! I'm a 32-year-old, cis woman in a hetero relationship. We have been together for 11 years, and I have been ambivalent about having children from the start. My husband, however, has only grown more sure that he wants children. He's afraid that life will feel meaningless without them; whereas I worry that children will dominate my life's meaning, and I will lose out on the things that I already deem meaningful. I feel like our conversations so quickly get stuck when we talk about this, and every time we even see children I can feel the invisible tension swallowing us up. You've alluded to conversations around the kid-decision recently, and I would love to hear if you have any wisdom to share around navigating this decision.