#90: Dear Baby: Why does my ex's new gf annoy me so much?
#90: Dear Baby: Why does my ex's new gf annoy me so much?
Plus: the difference between deep thought and overthinking, and what to do if you hate your dream job
Good morning!
And welcome back to Dear Baby, my monthly advice column. Today I’ll be answering these three question:
I’m not jealous of my ex’s new girlfriend, so why am I irritated by her?
What’s the difference between thinking deeply about something and over-thinking it?
I followed my dreams and hated it. Now I feel like I lost a part of myself. What should I do?
And on Tuesday, for the podcast component of Dear Baby, my cohost Danny and I will be discussing loving someone extremely disorganized, feeling wildly bored with your life, having a crush while in a relationship, and more! Also, we’re not recording until tonight so we’re still taking calls: Leave us a message at 802-404-BABY and we may air your question on the episode!
1. On your ex’s new girlfriend
“Dear Baby, 6 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. Breaking up was the hardest decision I ever made and I did so for many of the reasons you wrote about in ‘Why I Left a Happy Relationship.’ He's currently in another relationship that began less than 2 months after we broke up. I'm constantly reassured that I made the right decision and am a much happier person since exiting that relationship, but a feeling of annoyance hangs around whenever I think of him, his friends I used to hang out with, and this new girl. It doesn't help that I am often faced with reminders of him since some of my friends are connected to his friends. He flaunts this relationship on social media (I don't often check but have 3-4 times). It seems she is fully integrated into his friend circle and fits in very well with their carefree, festival-going lifestyle. I have no ill feelings or jealousy toward her whatsoever, but I do judge her avant-basic, Brooklyn depop aesthetic. I am both annoyed by them and annoyed that I feel compelled to judge them. Can you unpack this feeling of annoyance despite my contentment of not being part of that circle anymore and finding an amazing friend circle that feels truer to me? Are my feelings tied to social media trends? How do I get rid of these emotions?”
First of all, I love “avant basic Brooklyn depop aesthetic.” Such a funny and specific burn. That plus “carefree, festival-going lifestyle” gave me a decent hint at what’s going on here. I’m guessing that you are not the “carefree, festival-going” type, which is why it came off like an insult, and that you chose to use the term avant basic for its vaguely derogatory air. In other words, you’re defining your ex, his friends, and his new girlfriend in terms that subtly suggest they’re inferior to you, which is something people typically do when they feel inferior themselves. Maybe you don’t actually feel that way when you think harder about it, but something about them makes you feel a little left out or forgotten, as if dumping your boyfriend actually led him to someone he’s happier with. That flavor of rejection can be painful, and especially irritating when it’s coming from someone you thought you rejected first. This is one of the most classic and stupid human emotions: Sad about being disliked by someone you don’t even like yourself.
Of course these people aren’t actively disliking you or rejecting you, but something about how they’re behaving makes you feel small and replaceable. If I were to guess, that’s because you’ve given his behavior the power to shift the story you’ve written in your head about him, you, and your relationship. Maybe you didn’t fit in with his group that well. Maybe this is part of the reason you two weren’t a good fit in the first place. Maybe you were totally at peace with all that, but I can see how the directness with which he’s addressed those mismatches (or seemed to) with someone new might feel a little invalidating to your former relationship, which you clearly cared about a lot. I might be a little sad too! (And also annoyed, lol.)
I think a lot of us would like to stay unmarred in the memories of our exes. To be seen as singular and special—worth mourning—versus something to be quickly improved upon in the next go. Of course, you were singular and special, worth mourning. The narrative you’re writing about his new girlfriend (while I totally understand it) is entirely in your head, and also none of your business, which brings me to social media.
I’m genuinely impressed you’ve only been to his account three or four times. Huge if true. I was desperate for information about my last ex when we broke up, and even though I was good at following our no-talking rule, I wasn’t good about avoiding his accounts. I would literally check Venmo for information about where he was and what he was doing. (Irritatingly he’s not very online, which annoys me even now, six years later. Recently we DM’d and I specifically requested he post more so I can stalk him but he rudely did not oblige.) It’s natural that you’re curious, but right now you’re running into the reason that keeping tabs on an ex can extend or interrupt the healing process. Maybe some people are enlightened enough to feel nothing about their serious ex “flaunting their new relationship” two months after a breakup, but most of us aren’t. This information does nothing for you. The low-level anguish its causing—in the form of irritation—isn’t even about your boyfriend and his new girlfriend, it’s about you. You need to turn away from this. Even if he was posting sad boi memes about missing you, it still wouldn’t be your business.
This is the challenge of a breakup: to separate. Not just your intimacy, but your responsiveness to each other’s feelings, needs, and choices. Obviously it’s up to you if you want to rekindle some kind of friendship in the future, but I think that can only happen in good faith if there’s been an extended and genuine separation, physically and emotionally. I know I’m just telling you what you already know, but you need to redirect your attention. Focus on your new life. Block his account if you have to. No hard feelings! This is part of moving on. The emotions his actions are bringing up are totally natural, but how much you engage with them is up to you. This isn’t about framing his behavior in the right, vindictive light. It’s about turning away from him completely and reinvesting in your own story. Don’t fall for social media’s cheapest trick!