To the sex drive questioner. I am in a queer relationship where we both generally have low sex drives, and for some reason our cycles just don’t sync up. I’ll be soooo horny when they are like I can’t even fathom engaging and then it will swap…MAJOR UGHGHJJJJJHH… in these times we have found that allllot of heavy petting is kinda the answer. Sometimes making out isn’t even fun when you’re not feeling it. We may not be able to like fully get our rocks off. But we can show that we are ATTRACTED to eachother still by some caressing and butt grabbing and blah blah blah… and sometimes it turns the other person on and your able to have sex (but the point is to just enjoy touching/connecting with your partner without the pressure of sex) and sometimes it’s just really enjoyable time. The person who’s not really interested doesn’t even have to participate if they don’t want too and can just enjoy getting sweet contact while they read, cook, watch tv, doom scroll whatever, and you get to like feel up your girl. Win win.
I think it's difficult to fathom the feeling of spinning your wheels trying to prevent the trauma another miscarriage if you haven't already had one - totally empathize with the writer and wishing her the best in her journey. That being said - having a supportive partner willing to also put in the work similar to the things I would also willingly do to become a parent (ie taking vitamins, cutting back on drinking, staying physically active), and are - in the grand scheme of things - miniscule compared what my physical burden would be to carry and have a baby - an absolute requirement as someone who has experienced multiple losses. Also as a woman of color - my pregnancy experience is more likely to have fatal consequences for me than a white woman, so if my partner did not also take that seriously that would be a serious value mismatch. I think sometimes Haley talks about the stress of trying to get pregnant without acknowledging how utterly different that experience is when you've also experienced loss.
Wait came here to the comments to say you have to try swimming in Lake Michigan. Can confirm it is not a creepy lake. It moves like an ocean but without scary creatures and looks like the Caribbean in parts of northern Michigan :)
Danny’s insight into the woman unhappy with her partner was amazing and I think he hit the nail on the head. She is putting her discomfort and dissatisfaction with life itself alll into her relationship. Also the way he talks about every moment being an opportunity for extreme suffering… would love to know his thoughts on having children as it sounds like how I’ve always thought about life, hence why I’m hesitant to bring life into this world 😭
Danny’s said in past eps he “would have a kid tomorrow,” but obvi that could change! I remember him saying that bc I had a similar thought to yours and it was freeing to hear him say that anyway
Still listening but came straight here to shout out the Florida panhandle, specifically Destin and Choctawhatchee Bay (my home!), for “Caribbean style water”
Just starting this ep, but boy can I relate to the ugly era!! I have an almost 2 year old, and I feel like I had an initial bounce back then now I just look…. Weird? Unlike my past self, but not a fully-formed mom yet?? Assuming my look will stabilize in a year or two but who knows!!
Okay wait same like I felt like I was somehow in better health last year (when I had a baby) than now (when I have a toddler). Thought it was supposed to go the other way lol....I'm ran through
Tiramisu sucks!!!! Finally someone who agrees with me!!! My controversial take is that Italians make incredible savory food and terrible desserts.
But hard disagree with Danny - lakes are the best body of water!!! Not too deep/wide to be scary (the best ones are clear enough to see several feet below you and narrow enough to see the opposite shore), perfect temp, smooth enough to jet ski/boat on without bumps, no sand/salt to contend with, etc.!! My dream is to have a lakehouse. Nothing better. Can you tell I’m from an inland state? The ocean is overrated SORRY.
Also, to the questioner with a crush, as a “lefty [girl] with interest in music, art, politics” who was in a sorority in college, give frat boy a chance!!! People can develop and change / contain multitudes :))
Last, both of your advice re: relationship doubts was so poignant and lovely. Thanks as always for a fantastic ep <3
Totally agree, and I’m from Maine. Good lakes are like pools without the chlorine; stress free, and you don’t even have to rinse off after! Also, Haley, it’s called the Chicago River!! You had it!
Always a fan of just texting a bunch of friends “what are you up to tonight/[insert day]?”
Leaves a lot of space for them to let me know they’re busy, invite me to tag along what they’re doing, let me know they’re having a night in, or if we’re both free we can come up with what we feel like doing together!
Upside to this method is you often hear about people having nights off and it helps you feel okay having a night off too :)
Omg the hand on the foot in the ocean thing (why is that my fear too, specifically a hand…..) to the ‘I need numbs to limbs to feel grounded’ about the snakes is killing me 😂.
Also a fellow no caffeine / only diet cokes or decaf girlie, who dislikes tiramisu — here in solidarity!!!
I had a total visceral reaction listening to the question about the couple trying to conceive-- having been through a whole fertility rigmarole myself I would have lost my shit if my partner hadn't also been making lifestyle changes to work toward our common dream. In my mind this has way less to do with litigating who is responsible for what in terms of a healthy pregnancy and way more to do with the beginning of your whole life and partnership changing when your initial desire, a healthy baby, is achieved.
Aside from specific pro-fertility changes her partner could be taking, regardless of whether they are proven, is the partnership aspect. Making a baby is something a couple does together, and we didn't hear from the questioner what her partner is doing in the way of emotional or other support to make this happen. I personally didn't get the sense that he was doing much to calm her nerves or be in it with her. Even if he is bringing a "grounding" vibe to the scenario it really doesn't sound like he's achieving that grounding feeling. Mostly he sounds obstinate, which makes me worried for the questioner for when the desired baby actually arrives. Will he be willing to make the lifestyle changes that parenthood necessitates then? Will he be able to give up or reduce his weeknight drinking then?
On the more specific, practical side, the questioner mentioned her partner does some bicycling. Obviously we don't know what his semenalysis showed but bicyclists can have statistically significant reductions in sperm count, morphology, and motility. Prolonged high temperatures in general can also have this effect. Maybe he is willing to take a different mode of transportation (walking?) to work and/or take more tepid showers for a couple of months while they work this out.
Yes! we finally had a healthy pregnancy on our third IUI, after 2 years of trying and a male factor infertility diagnosis (specifically, low morphology and motility). it’s a hard balance between making an effort towards lifestyle changes while also accepting that ultimately it’s mostly out of our control (and definitely being careful not to assign blame while also making effort for each other as a team).
my partner’s urologist emphasized the biking issue. also recommended occasionally having a cold pack on top of your boxers while watching tv or something. He said CoQ-10 supplementing wasn’t proven but didn’t hurt. His numbers did eventually improve and maybe it ultimately helped, maybe it didn’t.
I really feel for you! The pain of those two years still lingers sometimes, and i anticipate it’ll come up again if we ever try for a second. ❤️.
Felt so so seen in so many of these questions but especially the one about different sexual needs. It feels good to hear it from the other perspective. My ex and I had VERY different expectations around intimacy and our inability to navigate that is a main reason we’re not together anymore.
One of the things I had trouble with was in meeting halfway on their needs. Because if I met them halfway my needs were always being met so I didn’t ever have a chance to initiate which created this horrible flywheel of them feeling uncared for. There’s actually a couple in Couples Therapy season 1 that reminded me of us back then. It absolutely takes compromise and self-reflection but often I feel like each partner can suffer in the long term because sex becomes a chore or a demand to be met rather than a fun and exciting spontaneous expression of your feelings for each other. Hope this couple finds a way to give each other the care and expression of love they need!
It’s also so easy to pathologize each persons situation so I appreciate the care you took with each side 💜
Really just so happy listening to this and hearing how not depressed Danny is anymore 🥺🥺🥺 talkin all about the richness of life! Get it boy 💗
The Aegean Sea is the most perfect body of water to swim in
To the sex drive questioner. I am in a queer relationship where we both generally have low sex drives, and for some reason our cycles just don’t sync up. I’ll be soooo horny when they are like I can’t even fathom engaging and then it will swap…MAJOR UGHGHJJJJJHH… in these times we have found that allllot of heavy petting is kinda the answer. Sometimes making out isn’t even fun when you’re not feeling it. We may not be able to like fully get our rocks off. But we can show that we are ATTRACTED to eachother still by some caressing and butt grabbing and blah blah blah… and sometimes it turns the other person on and your able to have sex (but the point is to just enjoy touching/connecting with your partner without the pressure of sex) and sometimes it’s just really enjoyable time. The person who’s not really interested doesn’t even have to participate if they don’t want too and can just enjoy getting sweet contact while they read, cook, watch tv, doom scroll whatever, and you get to like feel up your girl. Win win.
I think it's difficult to fathom the feeling of spinning your wheels trying to prevent the trauma another miscarriage if you haven't already had one - totally empathize with the writer and wishing her the best in her journey. That being said - having a supportive partner willing to also put in the work similar to the things I would also willingly do to become a parent (ie taking vitamins, cutting back on drinking, staying physically active), and are - in the grand scheme of things - miniscule compared what my physical burden would be to carry and have a baby - an absolute requirement as someone who has experienced multiple losses. Also as a woman of color - my pregnancy experience is more likely to have fatal consequences for me than a white woman, so if my partner did not also take that seriously that would be a serious value mismatch. I think sometimes Haley talks about the stress of trying to get pregnant without acknowledging how utterly different that experience is when you've also experienced loss.
Wait came here to the comments to say you have to try swimming in Lake Michigan. Can confirm it is not a creepy lake. It moves like an ocean but without scary creatures and looks like the Caribbean in parts of northern Michigan :)
Danny’s insight into the woman unhappy with her partner was amazing and I think he hit the nail on the head. She is putting her discomfort and dissatisfaction with life itself alll into her relationship. Also the way he talks about every moment being an opportunity for extreme suffering… would love to know his thoughts on having children as it sounds like how I’ve always thought about life, hence why I’m hesitant to bring life into this world 😭
Danny’s said in past eps he “would have a kid tomorrow,” but obvi that could change! I remember him saying that bc I had a similar thought to yours and it was freeing to hear him say that anyway
Can confirm he still very much wants kids!
Still listening but came straight here to shout out the Florida panhandle, specifically Destin and Choctawhatchee Bay (my home!), for “Caribbean style water”
Come down Haley and Danny! I will host you!
🐍”imagine being part of the mix swimming along with all your friends sisters and brothers”🐍
lolol
Just starting this ep, but boy can I relate to the ugly era!! I have an almost 2 year old, and I feel like I had an initial bounce back then now I just look…. Weird? Unlike my past self, but not a fully-formed mom yet?? Assuming my look will stabilize in a year or two but who knows!!
Okay wait same like I felt like I was somehow in better health last year (when I had a baby) than now (when I have a toddler). Thought it was supposed to go the other way lol....I'm ran through
Tiramisu sucks!!!! Finally someone who agrees with me!!! My controversial take is that Italians make incredible savory food and terrible desserts.
But hard disagree with Danny - lakes are the best body of water!!! Not too deep/wide to be scary (the best ones are clear enough to see several feet below you and narrow enough to see the opposite shore), perfect temp, smooth enough to jet ski/boat on without bumps, no sand/salt to contend with, etc.!! My dream is to have a lakehouse. Nothing better. Can you tell I’m from an inland state? The ocean is overrated SORRY.
Also, to the questioner with a crush, as a “lefty [girl] with interest in music, art, politics” who was in a sorority in college, give frat boy a chance!!! People can develop and change / contain multitudes :))
Last, both of your advice re: relationship doubts was so poignant and lovely. Thanks as always for a fantastic ep <3
Totally agree, and I’m from Maine. Good lakes are like pools without the chlorine; stress free, and you don’t even have to rinse off after! Also, Haley, it’s called the Chicago River!! You had it!
Love to hear this as I'm going to a lake this weekend!!
Jealous!!! Enjoy this top tier experience
Just submitting the information that I’ve been bitten by a crayfish in a river. For what that’s worth.
thoughts and prayers
Always a fan of just texting a bunch of friends “what are you up to tonight/[insert day]?”
Leaves a lot of space for them to let me know they’re busy, invite me to tag along what they’re doing, let me know they’re having a night in, or if we’re both free we can come up with what we feel like doing together!
Upside to this method is you often hear about people having nights off and it helps you feel okay having a night off too :)
Omg the hand on the foot in the ocean thing (why is that my fear too, specifically a hand…..) to the ‘I need numbs to limbs to feel grounded’ about the snakes is killing me 😂.
Also a fellow no caffeine / only diet cokes or decaf girlie, who dislikes tiramisu — here in solidarity!!!
thank you!!!
I had a total visceral reaction listening to the question about the couple trying to conceive-- having been through a whole fertility rigmarole myself I would have lost my shit if my partner hadn't also been making lifestyle changes to work toward our common dream. In my mind this has way less to do with litigating who is responsible for what in terms of a healthy pregnancy and way more to do with the beginning of your whole life and partnership changing when your initial desire, a healthy baby, is achieved.
Aside from specific pro-fertility changes her partner could be taking, regardless of whether they are proven, is the partnership aspect. Making a baby is something a couple does together, and we didn't hear from the questioner what her partner is doing in the way of emotional or other support to make this happen. I personally didn't get the sense that he was doing much to calm her nerves or be in it with her. Even if he is bringing a "grounding" vibe to the scenario it really doesn't sound like he's achieving that grounding feeling. Mostly he sounds obstinate, which makes me worried for the questioner for when the desired baby actually arrives. Will he be willing to make the lifestyle changes that parenthood necessitates then? Will he be able to give up or reduce his weeknight drinking then?
On the more specific, practical side, the questioner mentioned her partner does some bicycling. Obviously we don't know what his semenalysis showed but bicyclists can have statistically significant reductions in sperm count, morphology, and motility. Prolonged high temperatures in general can also have this effect. Maybe he is willing to take a different mode of transportation (walking?) to work and/or take more tepid showers for a couple of months while they work this out.
Yes! we finally had a healthy pregnancy on our third IUI, after 2 years of trying and a male factor infertility diagnosis (specifically, low morphology and motility). it’s a hard balance between making an effort towards lifestyle changes while also accepting that ultimately it’s mostly out of our control (and definitely being careful not to assign blame while also making effort for each other as a team).
my partner’s urologist emphasized the biking issue. also recommended occasionally having a cold pack on top of your boxers while watching tv or something. He said CoQ-10 supplementing wasn’t proven but didn’t hurt. His numbers did eventually improve and maybe it ultimately helped, maybe it didn’t.
I really feel for you! The pain of those two years still lingers sometimes, and i anticipate it’ll come up again if we ever try for a second. ❤️.
Felt so so seen in so many of these questions but especially the one about different sexual needs. It feels good to hear it from the other perspective. My ex and I had VERY different expectations around intimacy and our inability to navigate that is a main reason we’re not together anymore.
One of the things I had trouble with was in meeting halfway on their needs. Because if I met them halfway my needs were always being met so I didn’t ever have a chance to initiate which created this horrible flywheel of them feeling uncared for. There’s actually a couple in Couples Therapy season 1 that reminded me of us back then. It absolutely takes compromise and self-reflection but often I feel like each partner can suffer in the long term because sex becomes a chore or a demand to be met rather than a fun and exciting spontaneous expression of your feelings for each other. Hope this couple finds a way to give each other the care and expression of love they need!
It’s also so easy to pathologize each persons situation so I appreciate the care you took with each side 💜
"Caribbean style water but contained/not the ocean" = cenote, possibly?
how about a calanque?
i immediately just thought "pool" but like a chic salt water one
despite the terrifying fact that this is a sinkhole, maybe yes