Excellent recommendations and post. I am in my mid 40s and used many of these tips to find great adult friends who had more time for friendship (I dont have children, so my kid friends while great, just didnt have the bandwidth).
I second, you can do all these things and the friend just doesnt click. Keep moving. Don't try to make a stiff connection work. Your people will be glaringly obvious when you find them.
pls do a voice note with gyan! eager for more on this topic; both the evolution of friendships as we age and something I’m desperate for more models of: conflict with friends!
I’ve had a hard time in my early 30s as close friends begin to have kids. despite many offers of practical support and a whole lot of flexibility, I feel auto de-prioritized compared to the ease of being with bio family. *i think* so much of it is caught up in the ability to feel messy, vulnerable. it’s been, at times, heartbreaking & yet impossible to not feel irrational given how much their lives have shifted.
I really loved the book “radical intimacy” Sophie K. Rosa for wisdom and critiques of how capitalism has shaped the nuclear family and the domestic sphere to keep us isolated from one another. would love love to deepen this with convos and any recommended texts!
A couple of things I've really started to embrace in my 30s that I think have helped my friendships a lot:
1. Being genuinely vulnerable (kind of building off the "be willing to be a mess" in front of your friends concept) -- I used to think I was open and sharing with friends only to realize I mostly only shared difficulties if I already had a plan on how to address them, or at the very least turn it into a good story. Sometimes you need to share your imperfect attempts at handling life as well! I'm still working on this one and it's still scary to me but I think the vulnerability helps let other people be vulnerable to you, resulting in an increased closeness.
2. When I want to go do something (a movie screening, museum exhibit, cool new restaurant), I go do it. I take the time to reach out to a few people who I think would enjoy the activity but also make peace with going alone. It helps me not feel rejected when folks can't make it since in my head I was planning to go anyway, and over time you start to see which people are the ones saying yes to my invites and see those as the people who are invested in some sort of friendship. You get to see who shares the same interests as you and who is up for spending time with you.
I think both these points have a little bit to reciprocity: if people see you being vulnerable and going out and doing interesting things, it invites them to share their lives with you and to think of you when they have an activity they want to do. If you want to be someone's first call, think about who is your first call and give that relationship the focus and care it deserves.
This was the article I didn’t know I needed to read. The question ‘Why I don’t feel chosen?’, felt like something I wanted to ask but didn’t know how. Loved the answer, the examples, the explanations. It did me a lot of good. Thank you.
This feels really relatable to me! I’m in my early 30s and have ended up with two main groups of friends from different stages of my life….my high school girlfriends and my college girlfriends. Within my high school group, I do have a closer “best friend,” and that group tends to feel more inclusive overall, probably because of the long history we share.
My college girlfriends, on the other hand, are some of the most fun and aspirational women I’ve become friends with. But I’ve always felt a little bit outside that circle, like they like me, but I’m almost never the one who’s chosen first. It’s made me wonder why I’ve always felt just on the edge of the group and sometimes question whether I’m just not quite cool enough to really be thought of in the same way.
This is such a great question, and answer. I resonated with a lot of the advice - particularly the actionable tip to drop by to hang out, it brings me back to the more casual and freewheeling friendships of youth.
The challenge I've felt has been as friends (and myself) move to the next stage of life, which often involves moving to larger residences further from the hub of it all, or increasing responsibilities that require less flexibility. I've had two of my closest friends leave our area in the past year, and it's been hard! Can't just drop by when someone lives in Jersey anymore, especially with a needy dog of my own.
One piece of advice that I would add is to volunteer or find ways to engage in your community across generations! Friendships can be great when you're in somewhat similar life stages but I've found a lot of benefit stepping outside of that mindset. I joined a NYC Department of Aging program where you can get matched with a senior, and now my drop ins look a little different but are extremely rewarding.
As I’ve gotten older and made close friends across different chapters of my life, the phrase “‘best friend’ is a tier, not a person” resonates more and more.
I never felt like a natural at social stuff but I like having a big social network ("milieu," I call it, probably incorrectly) so I sort of had to learn all these things. BIG moment when I realized that being the planner doesn't make you look desperate, it makes you look confident and popular. Plus you can plan things you want to do, in places convenient to you.
One nice aspect of all the articles out there about how adults are lonely nowadays, I've found that many are happy to *be befriended,* even if you have to get up the nerve to text them (difficult!)
My biggest struggle as a parent with non parent friends and groups is wanting to do things with them that I can't. Like stay out til 3 am, drink more than 2 drinks on a Friday evening (can't just lay around hung over the next day), go on day trips or anything that requires organizing child care. In such cases it's easy to feel like a side character in the group. To their credit they're often happy enough to hang out with the kids but it's also hard to have a meaningful conversation with them when I have to keep one eye on my bolting toddler. I try to do a bit of both but it often feels like I'm not really getting the full fun of either.
I also tend to mute people on social media who are likely to share photos from hangouts including potentially ones i was not invited to... you know the type.
I think it’s SO true that everybody has a friendship hang up of some kind. Mine is that I’ve always felt I had trouble making new friends - I worry that I’m not fun enough or I come on too strong or am awkward. I’ve had many experiences where I really wanted to be friends with someone but they just didn’t feel the same way.
But I think a large part of that has to do with the fact that I’ve been with my husband since we were twenty, and with the same best friend since we were six years old! My best friend and I have had some natural ebbs and flows, especially going to college in different states, but becoming parents at the same time really solidified our friendship. We have a shared history and a shared present that is hard to replicate, so when I look at it that way, it’s no wonder making new friendships feels like an uphill battle sometimes!
I think I’ve started to see my friendship anxiety as quite funny. My friends cancelled a party and I was convinced they only cancelled my invite. I decided to go round and drop off croissants as they were “sick”, but I was sure I’d catch them out. I messaged them first, I’m not that crazy, but i doing so, I saw how absolutely insecure I was and it had nothing to do with anyone else.
My partner has seen my own internal cycles of feeling unloved or disconnected to friends and is able to help me recall other times I’ve felt friendless in my life, even when I’ve clearly had hoards of good friends.
For me, it’s always been more of a feeling not a reality. It’s part of who I am to worry about connection and not always a reflection of my genuine social standing. I find it easier to tap into this self-knowledge and see it as its own internal cycle. It now prompts me more to make plans than anything else.
Good post and tbh so much to say about this subject, and friendship in general!
I also think it’s worth asking, what does it mean to you specifically to be “chosen,” and is it possible other people have different ways of expressing/showing that? We have so many cultural scripts around friendship from movies and TV that are often unrealistic.
Consider that your ideas of being “chosen” are probably quite limited and specific to you, and think about being open to a wider spectrum of ways of showing love.
For example: say a friend sends you a meme. Maybe to them it means, oh I was thinking about her. But you might scan it once, laugh and move on. To you, it’s just some dumb meme they sent, nothing more.
I do think as you get older and partners/kids make people’s lives look much more disparate from one another than they did in their 20s. And navigating that is really challenging. At some level it does help to have or make friends who are in more similar life circumstances to you.
This was so good Haley!! As a culture there’s been a big shift towards talking about and valuing friendship more which is awesome, but we don’t always talk about the (normal and natural) hard parts and practicalities.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m too introverted to make new friends. Most of my closest friends (more extroverted than I) “chose me” and did most of the early initiating, which I think is a common dynamic. Now it’s time for me to take a more active role in initiating friendships, and it’s embarrassingly hard!
I agree that all the work the questioner has done on themselves and their friendships is so impressive!! Proud of them :’)
Ditto! In many ways I have a more active and rich social life in my late 30s than my 20s, but with some key friends moving away, which has brought more geographical and emotional distance between us, i feel a need to make some new friends as a fully fledged adult. But boy do i find it hard! It feels so nerve wracking to reach out
Great topic! Making a “best friend” when you are older is hard because our perception of a best friend is shaped from childhood when we didn’t have schedules and could see our friend every day at school or multiple days over the weekend. I ultimately think committing to having groups of friends from different places will eventually help you single out one person that you know you want to put the extra work in for. That extra work has to be done and takes time for a meaningful friendship. It sounds silly but whenever I met a girlie who I now consider a best friend, I would joke that that was my “year of courting” her. Once we got some alone hang outs in and became more casual where we could swing by or just pick something up for each other, it clicked! I would say that process takes about 1-2 years. If you put in the effort, they will match it once they know it’s available to them. I also cannot emphasize enough how important it is to compliment and mention to your friend how much they mean to you. Birthday cards with loving notes, random texts, flowers left for no reason, checking in after a big event, etc. We are all so self-conscious and need validation!
All that being said, I feel left out and insecure still! I have been better at dealing with that since being a bigger planner/host. Not every event can or needs to be an event for everyone and sometimes that applies to you and it’s okay.
Aw man I just feel like having a best friend is like Hayley said, not out of a good place… and usually ends in a bad friendship break up as most people will disappoint each other at some point and then there’s so much more on the line.
I most want to be friends with people who are comfortable being close to a number of people, without titles, are okay being alone and love themselves.
Once I realized some people rly operate this way with their friends, I felt way less bad about not having a bestie!
I find it interesting that you structured your answer as a dichotomy of BFF vs social group. I resonated A LOT with the question asker, but I was confused by this positioning. I always envisioned having a best friend WITHIN a social circle of friends, tho I will admit that I still have yet to experience that mix outside of childhood. As an adult, is it not possible to have both? Is that a thing that doesn't happen? Others can answer this too!
This was such a sweet newsletter and I'm a big fan of your writing and insight!! My experience as a grandma of this community (43) is that friendship becomes exponentially harder. I look back on my 30s and yearn for the ease of meeting new friends and being in the same life phases as old ones. As an only child and childless person who is recently divorced, this is the most lonely I've ever been. I moved to the PNW 4 years ago and have had an unusually (for me) hard time making friends (or even just getting someone to meet for coffee). I think for those who friendship came easier for earlier in life, it's easy for us to think that will continue and possibly undervalue connections in our 30s. I have lovely long distance friends and am grateful for this! I also find that phone addiction and listlessness has made the couple of people I do know here likely to choose doom scrolling on the couch with their partners over choosing to hang out/leave the house and this is more a current sad state of things than something to take personally. I guess my point is, things only get harder (friendwise) and to value and have deep gratitude for every connection you have currently...like everything in life--it's all temporary.
I think your take that a best friend is codependency in a different package and not actually a sign of one's beautiful character is brilliant and brought me some comfort. The people I know my age and older with a "best friend" still are...less open to change and evolution, which often leads to a less nuanced existence....for better or worse. It feels nice to have a go-to person to validate your every choice and feeling, but that feels very unreal if I really think about it.
Excellent recommendations and post. I am in my mid 40s and used many of these tips to find great adult friends who had more time for friendship (I dont have children, so my kid friends while great, just didnt have the bandwidth).
I second, you can do all these things and the friend just doesnt click. Keep moving. Don't try to make a stiff connection work. Your people will be glaringly obvious when you find them.
Your second point is so important, imo! I've wasted so much time and energy trying to be close with the wrong people.
Time and energy are your two most valuable resources. Don't waste too much of it on people that aren't on the same wavelength as you.
pls do a voice note with gyan! eager for more on this topic; both the evolution of friendships as we age and something I’m desperate for more models of: conflict with friends!
I’ve had a hard time in my early 30s as close friends begin to have kids. despite many offers of practical support and a whole lot of flexibility, I feel auto de-prioritized compared to the ease of being with bio family. *i think* so much of it is caught up in the ability to feel messy, vulnerable. it’s been, at times, heartbreaking & yet impossible to not feel irrational given how much their lives have shifted.
I really loved the book “radical intimacy” Sophie K. Rosa for wisdom and critiques of how capitalism has shaped the nuclear family and the domestic sphere to keep us isolated from one another. would love love to deepen this with convos and any recommended texts!
adding to my to read list thank you very much 💞
A couple of things I've really started to embrace in my 30s that I think have helped my friendships a lot:
1. Being genuinely vulnerable (kind of building off the "be willing to be a mess" in front of your friends concept) -- I used to think I was open and sharing with friends only to realize I mostly only shared difficulties if I already had a plan on how to address them, or at the very least turn it into a good story. Sometimes you need to share your imperfect attempts at handling life as well! I'm still working on this one and it's still scary to me but I think the vulnerability helps let other people be vulnerable to you, resulting in an increased closeness.
2. When I want to go do something (a movie screening, museum exhibit, cool new restaurant), I go do it. I take the time to reach out to a few people who I think would enjoy the activity but also make peace with going alone. It helps me not feel rejected when folks can't make it since in my head I was planning to go anyway, and over time you start to see which people are the ones saying yes to my invites and see those as the people who are invested in some sort of friendship. You get to see who shares the same interests as you and who is up for spending time with you.
I think both these points have a little bit to reciprocity: if people see you being vulnerable and going out and doing interesting things, it invites them to share their lives with you and to think of you when they have an activity they want to do. If you want to be someone's first call, think about who is your first call and give that relationship the focus and care it deserves.
This was the article I didn’t know I needed to read. The question ‘Why I don’t feel chosen?’, felt like something I wanted to ask but didn’t know how. Loved the answer, the examples, the explanations. It did me a lot of good. Thank you.
This feels really relatable to me! I’m in my early 30s and have ended up with two main groups of friends from different stages of my life….my high school girlfriends and my college girlfriends. Within my high school group, I do have a closer “best friend,” and that group tends to feel more inclusive overall, probably because of the long history we share.
My college girlfriends, on the other hand, are some of the most fun and aspirational women I’ve become friends with. But I’ve always felt a little bit outside that circle, like they like me, but I’m almost never the one who’s chosen first. It’s made me wonder why I’ve always felt just on the edge of the group and sometimes question whether I’m just not quite cool enough to really be thought of in the same way.
This is such a great question, and answer. I resonated with a lot of the advice - particularly the actionable tip to drop by to hang out, it brings me back to the more casual and freewheeling friendships of youth.
The challenge I've felt has been as friends (and myself) move to the next stage of life, which often involves moving to larger residences further from the hub of it all, or increasing responsibilities that require less flexibility. I've had two of my closest friends leave our area in the past year, and it's been hard! Can't just drop by when someone lives in Jersey anymore, especially with a needy dog of my own.
One piece of advice that I would add is to volunteer or find ways to engage in your community across generations! Friendships can be great when you're in somewhat similar life stages but I've found a lot of benefit stepping outside of that mindset. I joined a NYC Department of Aging program where you can get matched with a senior, and now my drop ins look a little different but are extremely rewarding.
As I’ve gotten older and made close friends across different chapters of my life, the phrase “‘best friend’ is a tier, not a person” resonates more and more.
I never felt like a natural at social stuff but I like having a big social network ("milieu," I call it, probably incorrectly) so I sort of had to learn all these things. BIG moment when I realized that being the planner doesn't make you look desperate, it makes you look confident and popular. Plus you can plan things you want to do, in places convenient to you.
One nice aspect of all the articles out there about how adults are lonely nowadays, I've found that many are happy to *be befriended,* even if you have to get up the nerve to text them (difficult!)
My biggest struggle as a parent with non parent friends and groups is wanting to do things with them that I can't. Like stay out til 3 am, drink more than 2 drinks on a Friday evening (can't just lay around hung over the next day), go on day trips or anything that requires organizing child care. In such cases it's easy to feel like a side character in the group. To their credit they're often happy enough to hang out with the kids but it's also hard to have a meaningful conversation with them when I have to keep one eye on my bolting toddler. I try to do a bit of both but it often feels like I'm not really getting the full fun of either.
I also tend to mute people on social media who are likely to share photos from hangouts including potentially ones i was not invited to... you know the type.
I think it’s SO true that everybody has a friendship hang up of some kind. Mine is that I’ve always felt I had trouble making new friends - I worry that I’m not fun enough or I come on too strong or am awkward. I’ve had many experiences where I really wanted to be friends with someone but they just didn’t feel the same way.
But I think a large part of that has to do with the fact that I’ve been with my husband since we were twenty, and with the same best friend since we were six years old! My best friend and I have had some natural ebbs and flows, especially going to college in different states, but becoming parents at the same time really solidified our friendship. We have a shared history and a shared present that is hard to replicate, so when I look at it that way, it’s no wonder making new friendships feels like an uphill battle sometimes!
I think I’ve started to see my friendship anxiety as quite funny. My friends cancelled a party and I was convinced they only cancelled my invite. I decided to go round and drop off croissants as they were “sick”, but I was sure I’d catch them out. I messaged them first, I’m not that crazy, but i doing so, I saw how absolutely insecure I was and it had nothing to do with anyone else.
My partner has seen my own internal cycles of feeling unloved or disconnected to friends and is able to help me recall other times I’ve felt friendless in my life, even when I’ve clearly had hoards of good friends.
For me, it’s always been more of a feeling not a reality. It’s part of who I am to worry about connection and not always a reflection of my genuine social standing. I find it easier to tap into this self-knowledge and see it as its own internal cycle. It now prompts me more to make plans than anything else.
Good post and tbh so much to say about this subject, and friendship in general!
I also think it’s worth asking, what does it mean to you specifically to be “chosen,” and is it possible other people have different ways of expressing/showing that? We have so many cultural scripts around friendship from movies and TV that are often unrealistic.
Consider that your ideas of being “chosen” are probably quite limited and specific to you, and think about being open to a wider spectrum of ways of showing love.
For example: say a friend sends you a meme. Maybe to them it means, oh I was thinking about her. But you might scan it once, laugh and move on. To you, it’s just some dumb meme they sent, nothing more.
I do think as you get older and partners/kids make people’s lives look much more disparate from one another than they did in their 20s. And navigating that is really challenging. At some level it does help to have or make friends who are in more similar life circumstances to you.
This was so good Haley!! As a culture there’s been a big shift towards talking about and valuing friendship more which is awesome, but we don’t always talk about the (normal and natural) hard parts and practicalities.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m too introverted to make new friends. Most of my closest friends (more extroverted than I) “chose me” and did most of the early initiating, which I think is a common dynamic. Now it’s time for me to take a more active role in initiating friendships, and it’s embarrassingly hard!
I agree that all the work the questioner has done on themselves and their friendships is so impressive!! Proud of them :’)
Ditto! In many ways I have a more active and rich social life in my late 30s than my 20s, but with some key friends moving away, which has brought more geographical and emotional distance between us, i feel a need to make some new friends as a fully fledged adult. But boy do i find it hard! It feels so nerve wracking to reach out
Great topic! Making a “best friend” when you are older is hard because our perception of a best friend is shaped from childhood when we didn’t have schedules and could see our friend every day at school or multiple days over the weekend. I ultimately think committing to having groups of friends from different places will eventually help you single out one person that you know you want to put the extra work in for. That extra work has to be done and takes time for a meaningful friendship. It sounds silly but whenever I met a girlie who I now consider a best friend, I would joke that that was my “year of courting” her. Once we got some alone hang outs in and became more casual where we could swing by or just pick something up for each other, it clicked! I would say that process takes about 1-2 years. If you put in the effort, they will match it once they know it’s available to them. I also cannot emphasize enough how important it is to compliment and mention to your friend how much they mean to you. Birthday cards with loving notes, random texts, flowers left for no reason, checking in after a big event, etc. We are all so self-conscious and need validation!
All that being said, I feel left out and insecure still! I have been better at dealing with that since being a bigger planner/host. Not every event can or needs to be an event for everyone and sometimes that applies to you and it’s okay.
Aw man I just feel like having a best friend is like Hayley said, not out of a good place… and usually ends in a bad friendship break up as most people will disappoint each other at some point and then there’s so much more on the line.
I most want to be friends with people who are comfortable being close to a number of people, without titles, are okay being alone and love themselves.
Once I realized some people rly operate this way with their friends, I felt way less bad about not having a bestie!
I find it interesting that you structured your answer as a dichotomy of BFF vs social group. I resonated A LOT with the question asker, but I was confused by this positioning. I always envisioned having a best friend WITHIN a social circle of friends, tho I will admit that I still have yet to experience that mix outside of childhood. As an adult, is it not possible to have both? Is that a thing that doesn't happen? Others can answer this too!
that’s definitely been my experience
This was such a sweet newsletter and I'm a big fan of your writing and insight!! My experience as a grandma of this community (43) is that friendship becomes exponentially harder. I look back on my 30s and yearn for the ease of meeting new friends and being in the same life phases as old ones. As an only child and childless person who is recently divorced, this is the most lonely I've ever been. I moved to the PNW 4 years ago and have had an unusually (for me) hard time making friends (or even just getting someone to meet for coffee). I think for those who friendship came easier for earlier in life, it's easy for us to think that will continue and possibly undervalue connections in our 30s. I have lovely long distance friends and am grateful for this! I also find that phone addiction and listlessness has made the couple of people I do know here likely to choose doom scrolling on the couch with their partners over choosing to hang out/leave the house and this is more a current sad state of things than something to take personally. I guess my point is, things only get harder (friendwise) and to value and have deep gratitude for every connection you have currently...like everything in life--it's all temporary.
I think your take that a best friend is codependency in a different package and not actually a sign of one's beautiful character is brilliant and brought me some comfort. The people I know my age and older with a "best friend" still are...less open to change and evolution, which often leads to a less nuanced existence....for better or worse. It feels nice to have a go-to person to validate your every choice and feeling, but that feels very unreal if I really think about it.