(14 mins) | Hi! Back with a Voice Note today about aging, and especially the cultural scripts around what happens as you do it. On Sunday I mentioned that my 30s have been more dynamic than cultural scripts indicated they would, and in this episode I talk more about what I meant by that. This is not a diatribe about what it means to be any particular age, but rather what I think it means to age (a.k.a. continue to be alive) in general.
I totally agree about not magically feeling “settled” in my mid-30s, but I think one thing that has changed is that people stop asking me about work as much and “what I want to do.” Or I don’t feel the same pressure I felt in my 20s to have something interesting to say about that. I still have uncertainty about my life but people just aren’t asking me about it as much, which makes me feel better haha.
How about the concept of a "mid-life crisis"! As I get closer to the age where doing something like suddenly getting a motorcycle would look like a psychological incident, the more I realize that we should reevaluate why people so often make big moves toward fun in their middle ages. We spend so much time and energy in our late 20s/early 30s working hard toward school/career/housing/relationship goals. It makes sense to me that once we finally get some those basics figured out in our late 30s, 40s+, we are ready for some re-evaluation, upheaval, adventure, exploration. It's honestly made me really think differently about the people I have known in my life who I've seen as unsettled in their 30s + and judged for that.
This voice note captured my experience of ageing in such an accurate way, thank you for this! Im aware of the concept that life is circular rather than linear but the way you explained it here I found so soothing
I turn 35 tomorrow and I resonate with not understanding youth culture. But while I am not not wanting to understand youth culture, but not feeling like I have to be a part of it to be cool. Like, I'm 35 and I spent maybe 2 months researching mattresses and that was a good time!
I also watched an interview with Lykke Li about how she said life is just suffering. So I think this is universal whatever age we are.
Tangentially related: there's a great British mag called "The Idler," and the last couple of issues have included an essay from someone who is very old, like in their 80s. Usually light-hearted in tone (like the whole Idler project), they're good reminders that aging isn't linear, and the experience-of-being a certain age isn't really definable. They make getting old seem pretty fun! haha. The Idler books are also really good.
I really appreciated listening to this Haley. I’m turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I feel as though this fact alone has been occupying so much space in my mind pretty much since 2022 began, despite my best efforts. Your final note about how we are “not barrelling towards a final form” really moved me and gave me comfort, so thank you!
my therapist told me that in jewish mysticism they consider this "path" of life to be shaped like an infinity circle. rather than just linear or one cycle you repeat over and over, you return to these crossroads and questions and then move away from them and then towards them and away from them in a new way. i've been thinking about it ever since!
love this - really hits!!!! thanks haley and happy belated
Thanks for discussing this. When I turned 30 it felt like a rude awakening into other peoples' (mostly my parents generation) expectations about what the next decade of my life should look like. It was almost as if everyone was happy and supportive of me "having fun" and "experimenting" in my 20s, but as soon as I turned 30 the question became, so where are the husband and kids? It was hard, but ultimately good to have to do the work of defining my own expectations and limiting the people I let influence me. In that way, I do feel more "settled" in my 30s, mostly because I've begun to more fully live my life for myself and not for others. That part of your note resonated a lot.
My new takeaway is the cliche but lovely quote along the lines of, "you can't show up late to your own life." I.e. we're all on our own paths, and comparisons re timelines are futile. As long as we're being true to ourselves, we're right on time- whatever age we may be, or feel like, at the moment.
Finally, this whole thing is very gendered, which used to bother me a lot. A topic for another time...
really appreciated this reflection, thanks haley. i thought a lot about body neutrality and acceptance as i listened. it’s something that has massively improved from my 20s til now (35 this week), truly more than i thought possible, but it would be inane to think ive arrived somewhere or that it doesnt still cycle. such a relief to stop aiming for top right and trust that growth is happening and unfolding as it should.
I really connected with this voice note and the essay. I turned 30 in May and, everyone told me how much I would love my 30s, how settled I would feel, how at ease. I didn't buy into every word, but they were nice ideas. Then a month later, I was laid off again (second time in a year, I work in tech) which on its face was hilariously ironic. Now I am at a huge crossroads, do I stay in this field, try something new? I don't really have the money to explore a new career field, don't really want to either, honestly. Should I stay in this city I thought I would love, but really just kind of like? Where else should I live then? I don't feel like moving and trying to make more new friends, and the city I used to live in is too expensive now. What about this guy I've been seeing and things seem really good? This sounds like a journal entry, but wanted to convey I'm swirling in uncertainties when I was told, by nearly everyone, it would be the opposite. I feel more unsettled than ever, and I don't feel like making any sweeping changes. I'm not getting any sudden realizations that I should to or need to either, so I'm just plugging along, which I can only hope is the right thing. I felt much better about everything in my 20s. I miss them, so much more exciting, lower stakes, and honestly fun, granted I am comparing a few months to a whole decade. Anyway, I suppose most of life is enjoying the highs and navigating the lows as you sort of mentioned here. Thanks for this.
Haley - I turned 30 in March, and have been thinking about/struggling with this idea of suddenly feeling "settled" in ones 30s so much. After the past 2.5 years and a breakup this summer I feel distinctly LESS settled than tbh I have ever in my life? It is so obvious that our circumstances are cyclical and there is not final form, just as you say. I simultaneously resent the traditional narrative presented to us and feel bad for people who buy into it!! Thanks so much for this piece this week.
I turned thirty earlier this year and have suddenly felt the pressure of these cultural scripts compound. I loved this - feeling reassured by the notion that life isn’t cumulative but in a state of constant flux. Thank you!!
I totally agree about not magically feeling “settled” in my mid-30s, but I think one thing that has changed is that people stop asking me about work as much and “what I want to do.” Or I don’t feel the same pressure I felt in my 20s to have something interesting to say about that. I still have uncertainty about my life but people just aren’t asking me about it as much, which makes me feel better haha.
How about the concept of a "mid-life crisis"! As I get closer to the age where doing something like suddenly getting a motorcycle would look like a psychological incident, the more I realize that we should reevaluate why people so often make big moves toward fun in their middle ages. We spend so much time and energy in our late 20s/early 30s working hard toward school/career/housing/relationship goals. It makes sense to me that once we finally get some those basics figured out in our late 30s, 40s+, we are ready for some re-evaluation, upheaval, adventure, exploration. It's honestly made me really think differently about the people I have known in my life who I've seen as unsettled in their 30s + and judged for that.
This voice note captured my experience of ageing in such an accurate way, thank you for this! Im aware of the concept that life is circular rather than linear but the way you explained it here I found so soothing
I turn 35 tomorrow and I resonate with not understanding youth culture. But while I am not not wanting to understand youth culture, but not feeling like I have to be a part of it to be cool. Like, I'm 35 and I spent maybe 2 months researching mattresses and that was a good time!
I also watched an interview with Lykke Li about how she said life is just suffering. So I think this is universal whatever age we are.
Tangentially related: there's a great British mag called "The Idler," and the last couple of issues have included an essay from someone who is very old, like in their 80s. Usually light-hearted in tone (like the whole Idler project), they're good reminders that aging isn't linear, and the experience-of-being a certain age isn't really definable. They make getting old seem pretty fun! haha. The Idler books are also really good.
I really appreciated listening to this Haley. I’m turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I feel as though this fact alone has been occupying so much space in my mind pretty much since 2022 began, despite my best efforts. Your final note about how we are “not barrelling towards a final form” really moved me and gave me comfort, so thank you!
my therapist told me that in jewish mysticism they consider this "path" of life to be shaped like an infinity circle. rather than just linear or one cycle you repeat over and over, you return to these crossroads and questions and then move away from them and then towards them and away from them in a new way. i've been thinking about it ever since!
love this - really hits!!!! thanks haley and happy belated
Thanks for discussing this. When I turned 30 it felt like a rude awakening into other peoples' (mostly my parents generation) expectations about what the next decade of my life should look like. It was almost as if everyone was happy and supportive of me "having fun" and "experimenting" in my 20s, but as soon as I turned 30 the question became, so where are the husband and kids? It was hard, but ultimately good to have to do the work of defining my own expectations and limiting the people I let influence me. In that way, I do feel more "settled" in my 30s, mostly because I've begun to more fully live my life for myself and not for others. That part of your note resonated a lot.
My new takeaway is the cliche but lovely quote along the lines of, "you can't show up late to your own life." I.e. we're all on our own paths, and comparisons re timelines are futile. As long as we're being true to ourselves, we're right on time- whatever age we may be, or feel like, at the moment.
Finally, this whole thing is very gendered, which used to bother me a lot. A topic for another time...
really appreciated this reflection, thanks haley. i thought a lot about body neutrality and acceptance as i listened. it’s something that has massively improved from my 20s til now (35 this week), truly more than i thought possible, but it would be inane to think ive arrived somewhere or that it doesnt still cycle. such a relief to stop aiming for top right and trust that growth is happening and unfolding as it should.
I really connected with this voice note and the essay. I turned 30 in May and, everyone told me how much I would love my 30s, how settled I would feel, how at ease. I didn't buy into every word, but they were nice ideas. Then a month later, I was laid off again (second time in a year, I work in tech) which on its face was hilariously ironic. Now I am at a huge crossroads, do I stay in this field, try something new? I don't really have the money to explore a new career field, don't really want to either, honestly. Should I stay in this city I thought I would love, but really just kind of like? Where else should I live then? I don't feel like moving and trying to make more new friends, and the city I used to live in is too expensive now. What about this guy I've been seeing and things seem really good? This sounds like a journal entry, but wanted to convey I'm swirling in uncertainties when I was told, by nearly everyone, it would be the opposite. I feel more unsettled than ever, and I don't feel like making any sweeping changes. I'm not getting any sudden realizations that I should to or need to either, so I'm just plugging along, which I can only hope is the right thing. I felt much better about everything in my 20s. I miss them, so much more exciting, lower stakes, and honestly fun, granted I am comparing a few months to a whole decade. Anyway, I suppose most of life is enjoying the highs and navigating the lows as you sort of mentioned here. Thanks for this.
Haley - I turned 30 in March, and have been thinking about/struggling with this idea of suddenly feeling "settled" in ones 30s so much. After the past 2.5 years and a breakup this summer I feel distinctly LESS settled than tbh I have ever in my life? It is so obvious that our circumstances are cyclical and there is not final form, just as you say. I simultaneously resent the traditional narrative presented to us and feel bad for people who buy into it!! Thanks so much for this piece this week.
I turned thirty earlier this year and have suddenly felt the pressure of these cultural scripts compound. I loved this - feeling reassured by the notion that life isn’t cumulative but in a state of constant flux. Thank you!!