I could start with the quiet, lonely hours before I pushed my daughter out, tangled up in hospital wires and terrified. I could start with the tender darkness of our recovery room, the beam of Avi’s iPhone flashlight on my chest as I learned to breastfeed, tears tracing my cheeks at the white-hot pain. I could start with our alarms: midnight, 2am, 4am, 6am. Or the nurse who held my hips while she lined my underwear with four thick pads, more than I thought could fit in a single pair. Imagine the feeling: Her warm hands on my cold skin, telling me she’d seen it all. Maybe I could start in the sterile hallway on check-out day, where I stood joylessly in a new black sweatsuit, weeping because I needed a wheelchair and was told to just walk.
Words speaking straight to my soul! I'm 10 weeks postpartum and cried reading this as I have experienced something very similar. At times I have felt so lonely, not from lack of people around me, but from having experienced something so life changing and not really being able to decipher or describe it. I feel seen 🤎 Thank you for sharing with us.
🥹 Beautiful. Congratulations! I’m 31, newly single, and have wanted to have a baby for so long. The desire is stronger and stronger every day, but I’m not quite “ready” yet. Anyway, welcome back!
What is this writing!? I'm in awe and envious of the skill here to bare all and evoke such emotion with words. I'm so glad I stumbled on this. Being a new mother to a baby girl and trying to view my relationship with my own mother through this new lens, this essay hits home. I am sobbing, but in a good way :)
Congratulations to you and thanks for sharing your journey. Birth stories feel like some form of war stories, at least in the way that they both include trauma and are somehow singular experiences but also universal ones. My motherhood journey has timed right alongside yours, and I too was struck by the lack of suggestions my “gut” offered up. It felt (feels) like following my gut is following a roadmap with no compass. I can see a couple of options forward, but which forward is the right way?? And why are all of the paths lined with a little guilt, a feeling I may be taking a wrong turn? I thought motherhood would be a time of great intuition awakening and instead I’ve been mostly floundering and often wasting precious hours consulting every online resource, new mother forum, and mommy friend available to me. I’m learning to make the right mistakes as you mention, but it’s been humbling to see just how many mistakes I’ll have to stumble through to move forward. Almost as humbling as the number of times I’ve had obvious breast milk or baby poo on me in public. Onward, mommies!
This is some of the best motherhood writing I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a lot 😅). Thank you for sharing the reality of birth and postpartum and becoming a mum 🙏🏼
welcome back!! missed you tbh, and thought about you, Avi and baby a parasocial amount! hahaha. happy to have u back and to hear about how the dang thang has been going 🧡
So happy to have you back in my inbox! Parenthood is a trip. I'm four years in and still just "trying the things I can do." I had my daughter in March 2020. Reading birth stories of folks who were able to lean on friends on family makes me mourn for that isolated, terrified version of me. Probably always will.
Oh my goodness. I'm so so sorry your start was so hard. Your wisdom writing about it will help others who have awful childbirth and postpartum experiences. And your generous insights will surely accompany you on your whole mothering journey. If anybody pregnant reads this comment, however, please be aware that there are other ways to give birth, other places and environments which are nurturing rather than terrifying. It does not have to be this way. The more women are aware of alternatives, and advocate for that kind of care, the better off all women will be. We need to be empowered to demand an end to such a setting as Haley describes.
Welcome back!!! This was an amazing read. I gave birth to my kid 2 years and 9 months ago, but this resonated so deeply that reading it makes me feel like it was yesterday. Trying to have a second child has been a major focus of my life for over a year now (secondary infertility is weird and terrible!) and it’s bizarre to imagine that hopefully, in my wildest dreams, I’ll eventually be going through the intensity of those first few hours/days/weeks postpartum again. But maybe a little less bewildered this time.
Say what you will about parasocial relationships but I think it’s kind of lovely that I feel so much joy and love for a person on the other side of the world that doesn’t know I exist! Cheering you and your baby girl on from afar! I’m not a mother but yearn to be so I’m eager to hear your trademark thoughtful reflections on motherhood.
GORGEOUS!! My heart stopped so many times while reading this- from you saying you were afraid to be left alone with the baby when Avi went to get the car, to understanding why your mom answers your middle of the night calls and scrambles across town in her pajamas. Beautiful and so tender!!
Welcome back! That’s some body horror right there! Yikes I’m sorry you went through that. Thanks for being so open with us. The sleep deprivation sounds so rough. The baby part sounds amazing.
Words speaking straight to my soul! I'm 10 weeks postpartum and cried reading this as I have experienced something very similar. At times I have felt so lonely, not from lack of people around me, but from having experienced something so life changing and not really being able to decipher or describe it. I feel seen 🤎 Thank you for sharing with us.
🥹 Beautiful. Congratulations! I’m 31, newly single, and have wanted to have a baby for so long. The desire is stronger and stronger every day, but I’m not quite “ready” yet. Anyway, welcome back!
What is this writing!? I'm in awe and envious of the skill here to bare all and evoke such emotion with words. I'm so glad I stumbled on this. Being a new mother to a baby girl and trying to view my relationship with my own mother through this new lens, this essay hits home. I am sobbing, but in a good way :)
Congratulations to you and thanks for sharing your journey. Birth stories feel like some form of war stories, at least in the way that they both include trauma and are somehow singular experiences but also universal ones. My motherhood journey has timed right alongside yours, and I too was struck by the lack of suggestions my “gut” offered up. It felt (feels) like following my gut is following a roadmap with no compass. I can see a couple of options forward, but which forward is the right way?? And why are all of the paths lined with a little guilt, a feeling I may be taking a wrong turn? I thought motherhood would be a time of great intuition awakening and instead I’ve been mostly floundering and often wasting precious hours consulting every online resource, new mother forum, and mommy friend available to me. I’m learning to make the right mistakes as you mention, but it’s been humbling to see just how many mistakes I’ll have to stumble through to move forward. Almost as humbling as the number of times I’ve had obvious breast milk or baby poo on me in public. Onward, mommies!
so so so happy you are back!!!
This is some of the best motherhood writing I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a lot 😅). Thank you for sharing the reality of birth and postpartum and becoming a mum 🙏🏼
welcome back!! missed you tbh, and thought about you, Avi and baby a parasocial amount! hahaha. happy to have u back and to hear about how the dang thang has been going 🧡
So happy to have you back in my inbox! Parenthood is a trip. I'm four years in and still just "trying the things I can do." I had my daughter in March 2020. Reading birth stories of folks who were able to lean on friends on family makes me mourn for that isolated, terrified version of me. Probably always will.
Oh my goodness. I'm so so sorry your start was so hard. Your wisdom writing about it will help others who have awful childbirth and postpartum experiences. And your generous insights will surely accompany you on your whole mothering journey. If anybody pregnant reads this comment, however, please be aware that there are other ways to give birth, other places and environments which are nurturing rather than terrifying. It does not have to be this way. The more women are aware of alternatives, and advocate for that kind of care, the better off all women will be. We need to be empowered to demand an end to such a setting as Haley describes.
Thank you for sharing your journey, Haley, It took me years back....
What can say? Enjoy every moment; they grow so fast! Before I noticed, my daughter became a beautiful, 25 years old woman. But she is still my baby :)
Welcome back!!! This was an amazing read. I gave birth to my kid 2 years and 9 months ago, but this resonated so deeply that reading it makes me feel like it was yesterday. Trying to have a second child has been a major focus of my life for over a year now (secondary infertility is weird and terrible!) and it’s bizarre to imagine that hopefully, in my wildest dreams, I’ll eventually be going through the intensity of those first few hours/days/weeks postpartum again. But maybe a little less bewildered this time.
You have been missed Hayley!
Say what you will about parasocial relationships but I think it’s kind of lovely that I feel so much joy and love for a person on the other side of the world that doesn’t know I exist! Cheering you and your baby girl on from afar! I’m not a mother but yearn to be so I’m eager to hear your trademark thoughtful reflections on motherhood.
We missed you!
Welcome back!
GORGEOUS!! My heart stopped so many times while reading this- from you saying you were afraid to be left alone with the baby when Avi went to get the car, to understanding why your mom answers your middle of the night calls and scrambles across town in her pajamas. Beautiful and so tender!!
Welcome back! That’s some body horror right there! Yikes I’m sorry you went through that. Thanks for being so open with us. The sleep deprivation sounds so rough. The baby part sounds amazing.