Good morning! Today’s newsletter is twice as long as usual. I thought of splitting it into two parts as I’ll be out next week for Sunny’s Annaprashan, a Hindu ceremony celebrating her introduction to solid food, but it made more sense to publish it all together. So I’ll see you in two Sundays (paid content will continue as normal). At the top, I want to warn anyone who’s sensitive to motherhood content that today’s essay is very much about motherhood.
This resonates so hard I’m weeping. Had DMER with my first and a difficult breastfeeding experience. Switched to exclusive pumping about 8 weeks in, continued that for 6 more months, had so much guilt about not giving breast milk and being unable to nurse. First baby is now almost 3.
Breastfeeding for #2 was a breeze - only a little pain in the first days but then no pain at all (yes silverettes really help!!). Had DMER. But recommended to supplement and was encouraged to pump. When the LCs brought out the pump at the hospital - I knew I had trauma from the first time around, but I was almost hyperventilating. Never again. 2nd baby is now 4 months and is my sweet, chunky, happy formula baby. I’m working on ditching the guilt but oooof it’s not easy. Thank you Haley for putting this all out there.
A couple of weeks late to the game here but currently deep in my own breastfeeding journey 2 weeks after giving birth. I never gave much thought to it before just that I would like to breastfeed and planned to do so when my son was born. Little did I know the multitude of problems and issues that came along with it.
The midwives and hospital staff were also very rude and each one telling me a different thing. I never had any colostrum come in and my baby never wanted to nurse from the beginning. In the hospital over 3 days I had several staff throughout the day and night squeezing my boobs saying I must be doing something wrong and then with shock confirming that yes there was nothing coming out. They gave me a pump and I sat there pumping in tears as the bottles never filled up, not even a drop. By day 2 they forced him to have formula, fed through a straw onto my boob or when that didn’t take with him sucking my finger and the straw. No one seemed to provide me with much support past this and upon leaving the hospital he was bottle fed as it’s the only way he could eat.
I continued pumping and slowly managed to get very small amounts out, like 15ml for an hour of pumping. My hormones were going crazy and I was weeping uncontrollably for days. How could it be this hard?! I’ve often described this journey to friends as harder than the actual birth. I would rather give birth to him again than struggle through this complicated and very often painful journey.
Sorry for the long post, it helps me writing about it as I’m sure it helped you and everyone else who has suffered on their own journey. The more I read and talk about it with people the more I realize that it’s very rare to have an easy breastfeeding experience.
Still pushing through to try and make my own happen despite the rocky formula fed beginning! Good luck to all the other mamas out there!
Thanks for this— it’s really validating. I hope the decision to stop has brought you peace (the last graf suggests it has). Stopping after 2.5 months was the best decision I made: I was getting depressed and my husband and doctor basically urged me to move to formula. Weaning is emotional as you say, but my daughter and I have never looked back!
I also spent too much money on LCs (I realize that’s a huge privilege) and it still didn’t work. They were nice but one kinda gaslit me. The motherhood-industrial complex is wild. I appreciated the satire of it in the movie Babes.
Thank you, thank you for writing! I sent to my husband to read and as he finishes the first paragraph he turns to me and asks, “did you write this.” The LC experience is so relatable. I also cannot express how enthused I am to learn that the “Sunday scaries” feeling I have at the beginning of pumping more than nursing has a name. Wow, it’s been almost 8 months of thinking those strange feelings I have at the beginning of my letdown was just a me thing.
I would have loved to read something like this when I was trying to breastfeed over two decades ago, and I love that my daughters will have resources like this if needed.
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I have a scratchy throat and desperately want to cry because you've described my experience almost exactly. I couldn't believe it the first time I spoke to someone who said that breastfeeding had never hurt. Never! The nights I was suffering with mastitis, boob dangling in a salty sink, cold compresses shoved down my bra, the furious little face of my baby as we both struggled and fought to be fed and feed. When I read the line 'enough', something released inside for me. It was enough, but god I kept going and going for the same reasons you described.
Thank you so much Haley for crystallising the most complex parts of motherhood into words - I write this as I feed from a sore left boob with a blocked duct. I have at times both fantasised about what life will be like once our breastfeeding journey is complete, but simultaneously felt devastated that this is inevitable. Thank you so much for writing about motherhood with skill, honesty and heart.
I'm not sure I have ever wanted to reach through a screen and hug a complete and total stranger as much as I do right this moment. Sending you that hug through this screen, impossibly, anyway.
This was a beautiful read! The way it captures the undescribable beauty and suffering of breastfeeding is moving. I guess every experience is different but the same in essence — I felt every single word ❤️
So well written!! My baby is eight months and we’ve been breastfeeding since day 1. It’s the most magical, mystical, expansive experience and yet it feels like keeps me hostage. It was really painful for my friend who had her baby almost a year before me and she weaned after three months. It’s just the most confounding thing. She had a little ceremony for her last feed and put the journey behind her. Idk when my day is coming. Baby is has taken to scratching my nipple while it’s in his mouth to self sooth🙄 haha anyway I’m soaking it up while I can. Nothing lasts forever.
This brought a tear to my eye. I have my first baby now who’s four months old, I have such mixed feelings about breastfeeding , it’s like being in Jail yet the most beautiful precious place I’ve ever been, and this really captures much of that
I could write a whole treatise on breastfeeding but I’m on my phone so will try to refrain. Like others, I didn’t have strong feelings about breastfeeding when I was pregnant. Maybe this is most of us? I feel like this is a common theme at least with my friends.
Then my daughter was born in April 2020, so there was no real lactation support available (sorry zoom is not it for this), and meanwhile, I’ve become convinced this is the only way I can keep my daughter safe. I think it really was that I felt this was one thing I could control after everything else had changed overnight, and dammit I was going to do it. I imagine this is generally applicable outside of the pandemic, given the clusterfuck that is growing and birthing a human and learning to take care of it not to mention hormones (the hormones!) and social conditioning around motherhood et al. Anyway, the one piece of advice I had was “expect it to hurt” and the next thing I knew I had open wounds on my nipples. Thankfully, I found a great doctor who specializes in breastfeeding who helped me through and we kept going until the vaccines arrived. Happy to share her name with anyone in the trenches, she was truly a godsend for me.
Now, the only advice I give breastfeeding people (and only when asked) — it’s ok to stop. Really it is.
Dude breastfeeding through nipple vasospasm is HEROIC. I had it during pregnancy triggered by cold and I would describe as though someone had chopped off both nipples with a sword of ice and they were then stuck, burning, to the ice cold blade. The only things that helped were never getting cold (in winter), nipple warmers and the act of crying. Thankfully mine stopped by about 28 weeks and *didn't* come back post partum. There is also a blood pressure medication you can take that helps alleviate the issue if you get it and wish to continue to breastfeed. Sharing all this because while "common" it isn't that known about. You're also more likely to get it if you have other autoimmune issues. Yay!
I genuinely had no idea other people went through this…I didn’t get them until like 2 weeks postpartum and it persisted for like 3 months, and I didn’t realize this was a real condition until maybe 1.5 months in. Excruciating and honestly creepy, just watching your nipples turn ghost while and then bruised as the blood supply fluctuates. It luckily went away with all the other changes that come from milk supply being established. I wish I’d gotten actual medical help! All I could do was massage my nipples all day every day in public and private. Motherhood can be so undignified lol, hugs to anyone else going through it
Yes! I had vasospasm too, in pregnancy and postpartum, and described it as the feeling of getting a cavity drilled without novacane but in my nipples. Inside my nursing bra I had gel pads (to soothe my raw, injured nipples) and then I wore a tube top thing on top of that to hold little microwaveable heating pads against my body. Any fabric or shower water touching my nipples was excruciating. I had a great LC who diagnosed it 8 weeks in and I went on blood pressure medication that miraculously solved it. I felt enormous relief and validation just at the diagnosis after feeling like I must just have low pain tolerance. Major solidarity with anyone else who has suffered through vasospasm. And an enthusiastic recommendation for the blood pressure medication OR letting it be *enough.*
This was a beautiful piece and really spoke to me.
I breastfed my son for about 2 months and then exclusively pumped for another 12. The first two months are a haze of nipple shields, crying (both of us), spurting milk, and constant frustration. I thought exclusively pumping would be better. The joke was on me. What could possibly be better about needing to feed your baby but being unable to hold and feed him because you’re attached to a pump? I had clogged ducts constantly that my husband would have to manually work out while I winced and cried in pain. My husband encouraged me to stop. My mother, who breastfed her 6 children, encouraged me to stop. I kept telling myself I needed to get to 6 months. Then, things got better when I figured out I ‘only’ needed to pump 6 times a day (every 3 hours). I finally weaned in March after 12 months of pumping. It was really hard to stop. I had a lot of guilt, despite making it way past my goal. I think I didn’t want to stop because I didn’t want to admit he is getting older and doesn’t need me for food anymore. But I’m sure it’s more loaded than that.
All this to say: every time I pumped, I felt sick to my stomach, low, with feelings of shame. I talked about this in therapy countless times. I didn’t understand why it was happening. It was brief, but it was notable. And tonight, you gave me the answer: Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. I had no idea this was something others dealt with. What I wouldn’t have given to read this then. I hope this article helps some other woman dealing with those negative feelings and that she knows she’s not alone. Thank you.
I read this as I breastfeed my almost 4 month old. Why is feeding our babies so complex? I’ve never felt more fulfilled but inadequate at the same time. I’ve struggled with many of the things you mentioned, namely my supply not keeping up with my babies needs and fielding all the comments about how I should be feeding my baby that feel more like sharp personal attacks. Hearing your story makes me feel better about my perceived shortcomings. I’m enjoying your motherhood content so much! I see so many parallels to my motherhood story in your beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing with us.
This resonates so hard I’m weeping. Had DMER with my first and a difficult breastfeeding experience. Switched to exclusive pumping about 8 weeks in, continued that for 6 more months, had so much guilt about not giving breast milk and being unable to nurse. First baby is now almost 3.
Breastfeeding for #2 was a breeze - only a little pain in the first days but then no pain at all (yes silverettes really help!!). Had DMER. But recommended to supplement and was encouraged to pump. When the LCs brought out the pump at the hospital - I knew I had trauma from the first time around, but I was almost hyperventilating. Never again. 2nd baby is now 4 months and is my sweet, chunky, happy formula baby. I’m working on ditching the guilt but oooof it’s not easy. Thank you Haley for putting this all out there.
A couple of weeks late to the game here but currently deep in my own breastfeeding journey 2 weeks after giving birth. I never gave much thought to it before just that I would like to breastfeed and planned to do so when my son was born. Little did I know the multitude of problems and issues that came along with it.
The midwives and hospital staff were also very rude and each one telling me a different thing. I never had any colostrum come in and my baby never wanted to nurse from the beginning. In the hospital over 3 days I had several staff throughout the day and night squeezing my boobs saying I must be doing something wrong and then with shock confirming that yes there was nothing coming out. They gave me a pump and I sat there pumping in tears as the bottles never filled up, not even a drop. By day 2 they forced him to have formula, fed through a straw onto my boob or when that didn’t take with him sucking my finger and the straw. No one seemed to provide me with much support past this and upon leaving the hospital he was bottle fed as it’s the only way he could eat.
I continued pumping and slowly managed to get very small amounts out, like 15ml for an hour of pumping. My hormones were going crazy and I was weeping uncontrollably for days. How could it be this hard?! I’ve often described this journey to friends as harder than the actual birth. I would rather give birth to him again than struggle through this complicated and very often painful journey.
Sorry for the long post, it helps me writing about it as I’m sure it helped you and everyone else who has suffered on their own journey. The more I read and talk about it with people the more I realize that it’s very rare to have an easy breastfeeding experience.
Still pushing through to try and make my own happen despite the rocky formula fed beginning! Good luck to all the other mamas out there!
Thanks for this— it’s really validating. I hope the decision to stop has brought you peace (the last graf suggests it has). Stopping after 2.5 months was the best decision I made: I was getting depressed and my husband and doctor basically urged me to move to formula. Weaning is emotional as you say, but my daughter and I have never looked back!
I also spent too much money on LCs (I realize that’s a huge privilege) and it still didn’t work. They were nice but one kinda gaslit me. The motherhood-industrial complex is wild. I appreciated the satire of it in the movie Babes.
Ohh Haley! For your next bub, try nipple shields and silverettes ❤️
I second Silverettes! I had milk blisters and they really helped.
Thank you, thank you for writing! I sent to my husband to read and as he finishes the first paragraph he turns to me and asks, “did you write this.” The LC experience is so relatable. I also cannot express how enthused I am to learn that the “Sunday scaries” feeling I have at the beginning of pumping more than nursing has a name. Wow, it’s been almost 8 months of thinking those strange feelings I have at the beginning of my letdown was just a me thing.
I would have loved to read something like this when I was trying to breastfeed over two decades ago, and I love that my daughters will have resources like this if needed.
Also, did we have the same LCs? You describe them perfectly lol.
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I have a scratchy throat and desperately want to cry because you've described my experience almost exactly. I couldn't believe it the first time I spoke to someone who said that breastfeeding had never hurt. Never! The nights I was suffering with mastitis, boob dangling in a salty sink, cold compresses shoved down my bra, the furious little face of my baby as we both struggled and fought to be fed and feed. When I read the line 'enough', something released inside for me. It was enough, but god I kept going and going for the same reasons you described.
Thank you so much Haley for crystallising the most complex parts of motherhood into words - I write this as I feed from a sore left boob with a blocked duct. I have at times both fantasised about what life will be like once our breastfeeding journey is complete, but simultaneously felt devastated that this is inevitable. Thank you so much for writing about motherhood with skill, honesty and heart.
I'm not sure I have ever wanted to reach through a screen and hug a complete and total stranger as much as I do right this moment. Sending you that hug through this screen, impossibly, anyway.
This was a beautiful read! The way it captures the undescribable beauty and suffering of breastfeeding is moving. I guess every experience is different but the same in essence — I felt every single word ❤️
So well written!! My baby is eight months and we’ve been breastfeeding since day 1. It’s the most magical, mystical, expansive experience and yet it feels like keeps me hostage. It was really painful for my friend who had her baby almost a year before me and she weaned after three months. It’s just the most confounding thing. She had a little ceremony for her last feed and put the journey behind her. Idk when my day is coming. Baby is has taken to scratching my nipple while it’s in his mouth to self sooth🙄 haha anyway I’m soaking it up while I can. Nothing lasts forever.
Same spot as you Yanique! It’s such an awesome responsibility, emphasis on both.
This brought a tear to my eye. I have my first baby now who’s four months old, I have such mixed feelings about breastfeeding , it’s like being in Jail yet the most beautiful precious place I’ve ever been, and this really captures much of that
I could write a whole treatise on breastfeeding but I’m on my phone so will try to refrain. Like others, I didn’t have strong feelings about breastfeeding when I was pregnant. Maybe this is most of us? I feel like this is a common theme at least with my friends.
Then my daughter was born in April 2020, so there was no real lactation support available (sorry zoom is not it for this), and meanwhile, I’ve become convinced this is the only way I can keep my daughter safe. I think it really was that I felt this was one thing I could control after everything else had changed overnight, and dammit I was going to do it. I imagine this is generally applicable outside of the pandemic, given the clusterfuck that is growing and birthing a human and learning to take care of it not to mention hormones (the hormones!) and social conditioning around motherhood et al. Anyway, the one piece of advice I had was “expect it to hurt” and the next thing I knew I had open wounds on my nipples. Thankfully, I found a great doctor who specializes in breastfeeding who helped me through and we kept going until the vaccines arrived. Happy to share her name with anyone in the trenches, she was truly a godsend for me.
Now, the only advice I give breastfeeding people (and only when asked) — it’s ok to stop. Really it is.
Dude breastfeeding through nipple vasospasm is HEROIC. I had it during pregnancy triggered by cold and I would describe as though someone had chopped off both nipples with a sword of ice and they were then stuck, burning, to the ice cold blade. The only things that helped were never getting cold (in winter), nipple warmers and the act of crying. Thankfully mine stopped by about 28 weeks and *didn't* come back post partum. There is also a blood pressure medication you can take that helps alleviate the issue if you get it and wish to continue to breastfeed. Sharing all this because while "common" it isn't that known about. You're also more likely to get it if you have other autoimmune issues. Yay!
I genuinely had no idea other people went through this…I didn’t get them until like 2 weeks postpartum and it persisted for like 3 months, and I didn’t realize this was a real condition until maybe 1.5 months in. Excruciating and honestly creepy, just watching your nipples turn ghost while and then bruised as the blood supply fluctuates. It luckily went away with all the other changes that come from milk supply being established. I wish I’d gotten actual medical help! All I could do was massage my nipples all day every day in public and private. Motherhood can be so undignified lol, hugs to anyone else going through it
Yes! I had vasospasm too, in pregnancy and postpartum, and described it as the feeling of getting a cavity drilled without novacane but in my nipples. Inside my nursing bra I had gel pads (to soothe my raw, injured nipples) and then I wore a tube top thing on top of that to hold little microwaveable heating pads against my body. Any fabric or shower water touching my nipples was excruciating. I had a great LC who diagnosed it 8 weeks in and I went on blood pressure medication that miraculously solved it. I felt enormous relief and validation just at the diagnosis after feeling like I must just have low pain tolerance. Major solidarity with anyone else who has suffered through vasospasm. And an enthusiastic recommendation for the blood pressure medication OR letting it be *enough.*
This was a beautiful piece and really spoke to me.
I breastfed my son for about 2 months and then exclusively pumped for another 12. The first two months are a haze of nipple shields, crying (both of us), spurting milk, and constant frustration. I thought exclusively pumping would be better. The joke was on me. What could possibly be better about needing to feed your baby but being unable to hold and feed him because you’re attached to a pump? I had clogged ducts constantly that my husband would have to manually work out while I winced and cried in pain. My husband encouraged me to stop. My mother, who breastfed her 6 children, encouraged me to stop. I kept telling myself I needed to get to 6 months. Then, things got better when I figured out I ‘only’ needed to pump 6 times a day (every 3 hours). I finally weaned in March after 12 months of pumping. It was really hard to stop. I had a lot of guilt, despite making it way past my goal. I think I didn’t want to stop because I didn’t want to admit he is getting older and doesn’t need me for food anymore. But I’m sure it’s more loaded than that.
All this to say: every time I pumped, I felt sick to my stomach, low, with feelings of shame. I talked about this in therapy countless times. I didn’t understand why it was happening. It was brief, but it was notable. And tonight, you gave me the answer: Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. I had no idea this was something others dealt with. What I wouldn’t have given to read this then. I hope this article helps some other woman dealing with those negative feelings and that she knows she’s not alone. Thank you.
I read this as I breastfeed my almost 4 month old. Why is feeding our babies so complex? I’ve never felt more fulfilled but inadequate at the same time. I’ve struggled with many of the things you mentioned, namely my supply not keeping up with my babies needs and fielding all the comments about how I should be feeding my baby that feel more like sharp personal attacks. Hearing your story makes me feel better about my perceived shortcomings. I’m enjoying your motherhood content so much! I see so many parallels to my motherhood story in your beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing with us.