I wanted to add to what someone mentioned above, because it really helps me when I feel envy. Rather than trying to tell myself “they may not even be that happy” or “maybe their lives actually AREN’T better than mine” instead I think “maybe it is.” If there was one person in the world who had a cooler more fun more fulfilled life than mine - could I still be happy? Now what its twelve people? Maybe 10% of the people in the world have better lives than me. What percentage could I be content with? Would I be content if only one person in the world had a better life than me, vs one million people? Regardless of this made-up unknowable figure (and regardless of the fact that, like Hayley writes about, no one is that happy ideal we seek), I have to be happy anyway. I can focus on those who have more than me, but there will always be somebody who has more. Even for “the happy couple” - they know someone who has more. But they, and I, have to choose happiness anyway.
love this! I used to do something similar, living in Brooklyn in my early twenties, and feeling impossibly "not cool enough" One day I made myself laugh out loud by googling how many people lived in NYC and then thinking "wow, of the 8.434 million people that live here, at least 6 million gotta be cooler than me..." it was weirdly freeing!
I think that Haley mentioned this before in another newsletter, but what helps me with envy is stepping back and viewing things through the lens of a lifetime vs in that moment. Life and people situations are always changing. For example, I had serious envy of two people who got cool, hip jobs after college now neither one of them is even working in that field anymore. I was really jealous for a long time of my best friend whose family paid for her to go live abroad, but then I remembered that she wasn’t as close to her family as I was to mine. When I was a kid, I really wanted to be famous but look at all the young teen stars now. There are times when I look back and laugh at the things that I used to be envious of because they seem ridiculous to me now. The best thing that has helped me with envy through the years is maintaining close relationships with my family and friends. That will help feed you and give you peace way more than a trendy apartment or the perfect job ever could.
I would add, with absolutely zero equivocation, remove Instagram from your phone in a quest for less envy / more inner peace. Can always keep it on your laptop for occasional use.
This has unlocked something so positive for me and I will continue to proselytize about it.
Ditto! Deleted Instagram off my phone some months ago and I feel like it brought my back to a more positive/present headspace I hadn’t been in for years and years - I didn’t realize that even when I felt “good” about my social media use it was still this insidious undercurrent in my life that skewed so much of my life perspective and self view.
Now I log in on my computer maybe once a week, more intentionally seek out the things I worried about missing out on (pics that close friends and family post, and a few other style-based accounts that don’t make me feel bad) and then close the tab! Life changing for me!
Chiming in to endorse this!! I deleted it at the beginning of the summer to study for a big test and saw a huge change in how I was seeing and thinking about the world. When I re-downloaded it after I'd finished the test, I immediately felt so much worse. Now it's off my phone again and I'm finding my way back to a better headspace again.
Yes! Gave up Instagram scrolling and posting 8 months ago (I still log on to research concert venues or see friend's wedding photos or whatever) I'm amazed by how quickly shrinking my perception of my social circle opened up my world. I've discovered it wasn't healthy for me to know so much about so many people. And it feels kind of chic to do incredible things without immediately sharing them with everyone I know! Such a simple action was a radical change for me. Highly highly recommend!
And also envy can be used as a tool! In small doses, I find that envy can steer me in the direction I want to go. It’s super helpful to pinpoint what exactly you are envious of and use that as a way to guide how you want to shape your life. And you’re jealous of a friend who’s writing a novel then start writing your own! If you’re jealous of a certain couple or relationship because you like how they interact look for something like that and your future partners. Don’t let the envy overtake you, but you can use it as a Northstar as you go about your life.
Having adventures, making new friends and sharpening your intellect all require labor. It requires lots of planning and time to have an adventure (to travel, to backpack, to explore a new city). It requires energy and confidence to make new friends. It requires commitment to engage in intellectual exploration.
These are not things that happen to people by chance, they are pursuits that require quite a bit of work. Of course there are countless circumstances that can make it easier for someone to have an adventure or make a new friend - money, mental and physical health, location, etc.. But no matter what your position is, there is labor involved.
Social media erases all evidence of labor. Even if we know someone had to take time off work, save, plan, and then fly to some gorgeous Italian countryside where they took two trains and a bus to get to their villa, the images we see seem to imply that they simply woke up there with ease. All of the chaos of the pursuit is absent from the photos we are shown.
It sounds like the questioner is in a moment of their life when their energy and labor is being spent elsewhere. They need time to heal from their breakup and process their diagnosis. That’s okay. Life has many chapters, and maybe they are in one right now that wouldn’t photograph well but is necessary for their well-being.
I experience envy so much especially when it comes to romantic relationships. that is very much thing that i cannot understand how people DO. But one of the things that helped me re-contextualize my own envy was realizing that what seems to me like a goal, or a reward, for other people can be a real source of pain or brokenness or even a coping mechanism for them.
I grew to resent some of my friends that were always in relationships because I saw that as the peak of the mountain that i was trying very hard to get to. and I thought they were squandering something that I could barely even dream of having. When i looked a bit harder i realized they were not in fact at the peak of the mountain but scaling a cliff face to get to the top while i took the longer much less scenic route up the back. What I saw as the goal (a romantic relationship) was actually their coping mechanism and unhealthy pattern that was making things very difficult for them to flourish.
anyway, to quote the great philosopher Hannah Montana "Life's a climb"
That part of the question made me want to share something: "Shame spiral ensued. I know envy is a sin."
Whenever I feel envy, I try to remind myself that it’s not a malicious reaction but a natural response to social comparison—something we all do to figure out where we stand. This doesn’t necessarily make the envy go away, but it’s important because it helps me deal with another emotion that often tags along with envy: shame.
Calling envy a sin can pile on guilt, adding even more to an already uncomfortable feeling. It’s just another emotion to manage, which can be exhausting! This can make us feel worse, and self-criticism can keep us stuck in a cycle of negative emotions, making it hard to grow.
I think it’s really important to say that there’s no shame in feeling envious. Envy is natural. Hailey, your answer was so thoughtful and helpful, and so were all the comments. I just wanted to mention the feeling of shame that was mentioned.
One thing to add to your answer that has helped me: what if they are in fact “better”? Why does that actually matter? I think seeing the underlying ideas of hierarchy in these types of thoughts and how unrealistic and connected to all forms of wider oppression and inequality has helped me.
I see where yr coming from but I have this understanding that there are even consequences to being “better”. I believe we all have these ideas of what would be considered more ideal but regardless I think it’s easy to even take those life upgrades for granted. Like soon the latest IPhone becomes just a phone. Flying on a private jet becomes completely normal for the ultra wealthy. I know Haley has written about this idea before - how we tend to return to our baseline after a peak. Not to discount anyone living within oppression but I think this is a classic the grass is always greener. Sure someone might have a certain number of privileges or advantages but that doesn’t guarantee satisfaction. In fact, adaptive hedonism just leads to cyclical behavior patterns wherein feeling insatiable is possible. I think overconsumption is a classic case of this. I’m starting to believe more and more that nothing is truly rewarding unless there was a challenging road to get there first.
My opinion on this doesn’t quite stretch to how this applies to hierarchy but I’ve found comfort in the fact that you never really know what’s going on with someone and that we will all most likely face similar challenges - loved ones passing being a major one etc. so trying to have compassion is something we could all practice more.
Re: adaptive hedonism, this reminds me of my 9th grade English "The Most Dangerous Game" reading assignment, which I assume many American students have read. The protagonist finds himself on a private island owned by some wealthy aristocrat who is in pursuit of the deadliest game to hunt, which turns out to actually be humans. The protagonist continues to be hunted by the aristocrat. Maybe a tertiary theme to the short story, but one of my takeaways was always that if left unchecked, the human desire to consume more and better and faster eventually leads to a cannibalization of society and the self (I first meant this metaphorically, but the grotesque act of cannibalism could work as a physical manifestation of envy, too. Not merely "I want what you have" but, "I want to CONSUME you and BE you").
"But reality is so much more interesting than that. It’s a soupy mess of stunning, undocumentable detail, unfurling continuously and thrusting us constantly into the treacherous unknown, forcing us to reckon, over and over, with who we were or what we once thought."
Loved this post, Haley! One thing that someone has said lately about envy that has helped reframe it for me is the idea that if you are envious of someone for something they have in their lives whether it be an object or an individual, in order to have the thing they have, you have to take everything else they have as well. So if you want the house the car the whatever, you also have to take on their whole life as well. This typically helps ground me and helps me realize that I actually enjoy a lot of my life and things, it also reminds me that the shiny life I think they have probably doesn't exist; that they are human just like me and what comes with the good is a measure of hard and painful things as well.
Such great insights Haley, thanks!! I’m in no way an expert on the field but feel I can contribute a couple more points to this question:
- could the asker (and anyone on the same situation) be struggling to define what they *actually* like? As in what are their personal preferences, aspirations, goals, what are their personal markers of success? I find that once you know your style for anything it’s much easier to not be distracted by other people’s success/achievements in a negative way (and, to quote Amy Poehler: ‘good for her, not for me’ your way through life)
- and remember, as my favourite internet saying atm goes: ‘social media is a highlight reel’. Don’t base your self worth on what people choose to show from their, likely messy in so many ways, lives
I remember when a friend told me that I always do such cool things, because I had posted a couple trips over the course of a year. But in between those trips, and even during, I was struggling with a deep depression. When I shared the photos online, I felt there was a sadness and loneliness to them (I wasn’t trying to pretend the trips were anything they weren’t) and it struck me how different he viewed my life to be. It didn’t feel like I was doing cool things, it felt like I was barely keeping my head up. Just an example of what Haley so eloquently explained :)
Also, I’m sorry you’re going through it and it makes sense that you’re feeling a lot of envy right now. I hope you can give yourself some compassion and care around this - you’re dealing with grief and loss, and looking at others lives that (seemingly) don’t have that - of course you’re feeling envious of them. This sounds like a really rough season and that you’re spending the majority of your energy taking care of yourself. I hope one day, after you’ve healed a bit, you’ll have more energy to do some of the things that others lives are inspiring you to do.
I love this question because this is just so unbelievably relatable and makes me feel less alone. Just echoing Haley and everyone but this question felt like a deep exhale, like ok thank you for saying it as it is. My current perspective is two fold:
First, echoing Jill below, but as a 39 year old who has seen soooo many friendships and social scenes evolve throughout my two decades as an adult, things truly do change. I remember being in college and certain ppl were the coolest hipsters and totally in charge of this indiesleeze scene happening at the time…and now many of them are living very quiet slow lives with just a few close friends around (not saying that’s a negative, it’s just very different than how they were in the early 2000s when I personally didn’t feel cool enough for them.) Now I’m the one with a more happening social life which leads to my next point… sorry if I sound like an asshole with my second point but it’s just how it’s been lately 🥴
Second, I used to feel like a loner all the time. I always felt like I was on the fringe of social scenes, never fully embraced by social groups, always observing but barely participating in what appeared to be the golden age of the lives of those truly participating. Weirdly as I age, and have lived in the same city for a decade now, I feel like I’m always in the middle of everything. I now have too many friends that I know what to do with. My social calendar is always packed… in some ways I have everything I’ve always wanted socially BUT this has come with unforeseen stress (that I talk about a lot in therapy). For one, my partner is always saying how I’m too busy and I don’t prioritize him enough even though I feel like I do. This has been our latest struggle where I don’t want to fear telling him about plans I have (he doesn’t want that either) and yet I find myself feeling that way. Whenever a plan is presented, I get worried that he’s going to be annoyed that I’m neglecting him again. But at least we both acknowledge these feelings and we’re working through it but anyway… Two, certain friends seem to have high expectations of me that I don’t have capacity for. One friend in particular. It’s been a whole thing that has kept me up at night. Three, I’m constantly stressed about including everyone, making sure no one feels left out but that’s simply impossible because I do know too many ppl. Sometimes I just want a more intimate hang so I only invite a few ppl but then if it ends up online, I stress about others feeling left out.
I could go on but my point is that this all gives me a ton of anxiety that takes away from time I could be dedicating more to myself (or my partnership). I am so lucky. And I truly love all my friends so much. If early 2000s me, who would cry herself to sleep because I felt like I didn’t have friends, saw me now, I wouldn’t believe it. But with this new life, comes a new stress that also kinda sucks tbh. Sometimes now I yearn for the more simple days of not knowing so many people. So just to Haley’s point - a shiny picture of happy people is never what it seems.
And like I said above, times change. This won’t be my life forever and what you’re experiencing could be totally different in a year or two. Stay hopeful. This too shall pass and tables could always turn in unexpected ways.
I wanted to add to what someone mentioned above, because it really helps me when I feel envy. Rather than trying to tell myself “they may not even be that happy” or “maybe their lives actually AREN’T better than mine” instead I think “maybe it is.” If there was one person in the world who had a cooler more fun more fulfilled life than mine - could I still be happy? Now what its twelve people? Maybe 10% of the people in the world have better lives than me. What percentage could I be content with? Would I be content if only one person in the world had a better life than me, vs one million people? Regardless of this made-up unknowable figure (and regardless of the fact that, like Hayley writes about, no one is that happy ideal we seek), I have to be happy anyway. I can focus on those who have more than me, but there will always be somebody who has more. Even for “the happy couple” - they know someone who has more. But they, and I, have to choose happiness anyway.
love this! I used to do something similar, living in Brooklyn in my early twenties, and feeling impossibly "not cool enough" One day I made myself laugh out loud by googling how many people lived in NYC and then thinking "wow, of the 8.434 million people that live here, at least 6 million gotta be cooler than me..." it was weirdly freeing!
This is a really interesting subversion. Thanks for contributing this.
I think that Haley mentioned this before in another newsletter, but what helps me with envy is stepping back and viewing things through the lens of a lifetime vs in that moment. Life and people situations are always changing. For example, I had serious envy of two people who got cool, hip jobs after college now neither one of them is even working in that field anymore. I was really jealous for a long time of my best friend whose family paid for her to go live abroad, but then I remembered that she wasn’t as close to her family as I was to mine. When I was a kid, I really wanted to be famous but look at all the young teen stars now. There are times when I look back and laugh at the things that I used to be envious of because they seem ridiculous to me now. The best thing that has helped me with envy through the years is maintaining close relationships with my family and friends. That will help feed you and give you peace way more than a trendy apartment or the perfect job ever could.
Well said!!
I would add, with absolutely zero equivocation, remove Instagram from your phone in a quest for less envy / more inner peace. Can always keep it on your laptop for occasional use.
This has unlocked something so positive for me and I will continue to proselytize about it.
Ditto! Deleted Instagram off my phone some months ago and I feel like it brought my back to a more positive/present headspace I hadn’t been in for years and years - I didn’t realize that even when I felt “good” about my social media use it was still this insidious undercurrent in my life that skewed so much of my life perspective and self view.
Now I log in on my computer maybe once a week, more intentionally seek out the things I worried about missing out on (pics that close friends and family post, and a few other style-based accounts that don’t make me feel bad) and then close the tab! Life changing for me!
Preach!!! It’s such a life changer. I celebrate the anniversary of the day I made the change. Thanksgiving 2022.
Chiming in to endorse this!! I deleted it at the beginning of the summer to study for a big test and saw a huge change in how I was seeing and thinking about the world. When I re-downloaded it after I'd finished the test, I immediately felt so much worse. Now it's off my phone again and I'm finding my way back to a better headspace again.
Yes! Gave up Instagram scrolling and posting 8 months ago (I still log on to research concert venues or see friend's wedding photos or whatever) I'm amazed by how quickly shrinking my perception of my social circle opened up my world. I've discovered it wasn't healthy for me to know so much about so many people. And it feels kind of chic to do incredible things without immediately sharing them with everyone I know! Such a simple action was a radical change for me. Highly highly recommend!
And also envy can be used as a tool! In small doses, I find that envy can steer me in the direction I want to go. It’s super helpful to pinpoint what exactly you are envious of and use that as a way to guide how you want to shape your life. And you’re jealous of a friend who’s writing a novel then start writing your own! If you’re jealous of a certain couple or relationship because you like how they interact look for something like that and your future partners. Don’t let the envy overtake you, but you can use it as a Northstar as you go about your life.
Having adventures, making new friends and sharpening your intellect all require labor. It requires lots of planning and time to have an adventure (to travel, to backpack, to explore a new city). It requires energy and confidence to make new friends. It requires commitment to engage in intellectual exploration.
These are not things that happen to people by chance, they are pursuits that require quite a bit of work. Of course there are countless circumstances that can make it easier for someone to have an adventure or make a new friend - money, mental and physical health, location, etc.. But no matter what your position is, there is labor involved.
Social media erases all evidence of labor. Even if we know someone had to take time off work, save, plan, and then fly to some gorgeous Italian countryside where they took two trains and a bus to get to their villa, the images we see seem to imply that they simply woke up there with ease. All of the chaos of the pursuit is absent from the photos we are shown.
It sounds like the questioner is in a moment of their life when their energy and labor is being spent elsewhere. They need time to heal from their breakup and process their diagnosis. That’s okay. Life has many chapters, and maybe they are in one right now that wouldn’t photograph well but is necessary for their well-being.
This!!!
Here’s me while reading this 🫨🫨🫨🤯🥹. SO. GOOD. Thank you, Haley, for another, ‘oh my god that is SO exactly it’ post.
Underused emoji 🫨🚨
I am deeply envious of your emoji fluency!
I experience envy so much especially when it comes to romantic relationships. that is very much thing that i cannot understand how people DO. But one of the things that helped me re-contextualize my own envy was realizing that what seems to me like a goal, or a reward, for other people can be a real source of pain or brokenness or even a coping mechanism for them.
I grew to resent some of my friends that were always in relationships because I saw that as the peak of the mountain that i was trying very hard to get to. and I thought they were squandering something that I could barely even dream of having. When i looked a bit harder i realized they were not in fact at the peak of the mountain but scaling a cliff face to get to the top while i took the longer much less scenic route up the back. What I saw as the goal (a romantic relationship) was actually their coping mechanism and unhealthy pattern that was making things very difficult for them to flourish.
anyway, to quote the great philosopher Hannah Montana "Life's a climb"
“in the momentum that mercifully gathers at the bottom of our low points” Haley !!
That part of the question made me want to share something: "Shame spiral ensued. I know envy is a sin."
Whenever I feel envy, I try to remind myself that it’s not a malicious reaction but a natural response to social comparison—something we all do to figure out where we stand. This doesn’t necessarily make the envy go away, but it’s important because it helps me deal with another emotion that often tags along with envy: shame.
Calling envy a sin can pile on guilt, adding even more to an already uncomfortable feeling. It’s just another emotion to manage, which can be exhausting! This can make us feel worse, and self-criticism can keep us stuck in a cycle of negative emotions, making it hard to grow.
I think it’s really important to say that there’s no shame in feeling envious. Envy is natural. Hailey, your answer was so thoughtful and helpful, and so were all the comments. I just wanted to mention the feeling of shame that was mentioned.
Very true!!
One thing to add to your answer that has helped me: what if they are in fact “better”? Why does that actually matter? I think seeing the underlying ideas of hierarchy in these types of thoughts and how unrealistic and connected to all forms of wider oppression and inequality has helped me.
I see where yr coming from but I have this understanding that there are even consequences to being “better”. I believe we all have these ideas of what would be considered more ideal but regardless I think it’s easy to even take those life upgrades for granted. Like soon the latest IPhone becomes just a phone. Flying on a private jet becomes completely normal for the ultra wealthy. I know Haley has written about this idea before - how we tend to return to our baseline after a peak. Not to discount anyone living within oppression but I think this is a classic the grass is always greener. Sure someone might have a certain number of privileges or advantages but that doesn’t guarantee satisfaction. In fact, adaptive hedonism just leads to cyclical behavior patterns wherein feeling insatiable is possible. I think overconsumption is a classic case of this. I’m starting to believe more and more that nothing is truly rewarding unless there was a challenging road to get there first.
My opinion on this doesn’t quite stretch to how this applies to hierarchy but I’ve found comfort in the fact that you never really know what’s going on with someone and that we will all most likely face similar challenges - loved ones passing being a major one etc. so trying to have compassion is something we could all practice more.
Yes!! The hedonic treadmill!
Re: adaptive hedonism, this reminds me of my 9th grade English "The Most Dangerous Game" reading assignment, which I assume many American students have read. The protagonist finds himself on a private island owned by some wealthy aristocrat who is in pursuit of the deadliest game to hunt, which turns out to actually be humans. The protagonist continues to be hunted by the aristocrat. Maybe a tertiary theme to the short story, but one of my takeaways was always that if left unchecked, the human desire to consume more and better and faster eventually leads to a cannibalization of society and the self (I first meant this metaphorically, but the grotesque act of cannibalism could work as a physical manifestation of envy, too. Not merely "I want what you have" but, "I want to CONSUME you and BE you").
Great addition!
Teared up at
"But reality is so much more interesting than that. It’s a soupy mess of stunning, undocumentable detail, unfurling continuously and thrusting us constantly into the treacherous unknown, forcing us to reckon, over and over, with who we were or what we once thought."
Will return to this essay many times for sure <3
Just wanted to say I love this format, Haley! 👏 What a great way to spend my Sunday afternoon.
Here to second this!
Loved this post, Haley! One thing that someone has said lately about envy that has helped reframe it for me is the idea that if you are envious of someone for something they have in their lives whether it be an object or an individual, in order to have the thing they have, you have to take everything else they have as well. So if you want the house the car the whatever, you also have to take on their whole life as well. This typically helps ground me and helps me realize that I actually enjoy a lot of my life and things, it also reminds me that the shiny life I think they have probably doesn't exist; that they are human just like me and what comes with the good is a measure of hard and painful things as well.
Such great insights Haley, thanks!! I’m in no way an expert on the field but feel I can contribute a couple more points to this question:
- could the asker (and anyone on the same situation) be struggling to define what they *actually* like? As in what are their personal preferences, aspirations, goals, what are their personal markers of success? I find that once you know your style for anything it’s much easier to not be distracted by other people’s success/achievements in a negative way (and, to quote Amy Poehler: ‘good for her, not for me’ your way through life)
- and remember, as my favourite internet saying atm goes: ‘social media is a highlight reel’. Don’t base your self worth on what people choose to show from their, likely messy in so many ways, lives
I remember when a friend told me that I always do such cool things, because I had posted a couple trips over the course of a year. But in between those trips, and even during, I was struggling with a deep depression. When I shared the photos online, I felt there was a sadness and loneliness to them (I wasn’t trying to pretend the trips were anything they weren’t) and it struck me how different he viewed my life to be. It didn’t feel like I was doing cool things, it felt like I was barely keeping my head up. Just an example of what Haley so eloquently explained :)
Also, I’m sorry you’re going through it and it makes sense that you’re feeling a lot of envy right now. I hope you can give yourself some compassion and care around this - you’re dealing with grief and loss, and looking at others lives that (seemingly) don’t have that - of course you’re feeling envious of them. This sounds like a really rough season and that you’re spending the majority of your energy taking care of yourself. I hope one day, after you’ve healed a bit, you’ll have more energy to do some of the things that others lives are inspiring you to do.
I love this question because this is just so unbelievably relatable and makes me feel less alone. Just echoing Haley and everyone but this question felt like a deep exhale, like ok thank you for saying it as it is. My current perspective is two fold:
First, echoing Jill below, but as a 39 year old who has seen soooo many friendships and social scenes evolve throughout my two decades as an adult, things truly do change. I remember being in college and certain ppl were the coolest hipsters and totally in charge of this indiesleeze scene happening at the time…and now many of them are living very quiet slow lives with just a few close friends around (not saying that’s a negative, it’s just very different than how they were in the early 2000s when I personally didn’t feel cool enough for them.) Now I’m the one with a more happening social life which leads to my next point… sorry if I sound like an asshole with my second point but it’s just how it’s been lately 🥴
Second, I used to feel like a loner all the time. I always felt like I was on the fringe of social scenes, never fully embraced by social groups, always observing but barely participating in what appeared to be the golden age of the lives of those truly participating. Weirdly as I age, and have lived in the same city for a decade now, I feel like I’m always in the middle of everything. I now have too many friends that I know what to do with. My social calendar is always packed… in some ways I have everything I’ve always wanted socially BUT this has come with unforeseen stress (that I talk about a lot in therapy). For one, my partner is always saying how I’m too busy and I don’t prioritize him enough even though I feel like I do. This has been our latest struggle where I don’t want to fear telling him about plans I have (he doesn’t want that either) and yet I find myself feeling that way. Whenever a plan is presented, I get worried that he’s going to be annoyed that I’m neglecting him again. But at least we both acknowledge these feelings and we’re working through it but anyway… Two, certain friends seem to have high expectations of me that I don’t have capacity for. One friend in particular. It’s been a whole thing that has kept me up at night. Three, I’m constantly stressed about including everyone, making sure no one feels left out but that’s simply impossible because I do know too many ppl. Sometimes I just want a more intimate hang so I only invite a few ppl but then if it ends up online, I stress about others feeling left out.
I could go on but my point is that this all gives me a ton of anxiety that takes away from time I could be dedicating more to myself (or my partnership). I am so lucky. And I truly love all my friends so much. If early 2000s me, who would cry herself to sleep because I felt like I didn’t have friends, saw me now, I wouldn’t believe it. But with this new life, comes a new stress that also kinda sucks tbh. Sometimes now I yearn for the more simple days of not knowing so many people. So just to Haley’s point - a shiny picture of happy people is never what it seems.
And like I said above, times change. This won’t be my life forever and what you’re experiencing could be totally different in a year or two. Stay hopeful. This too shall pass and tables could always turn in unexpected ways.
Great anecdotes!
how'd you develop such a rich social life?