My sister is 6 months pregnant and we live together! I am so excited for this baby to come into our lives and support her as a co-parent, but we are still figuring out what that looks like, especially as our set up is “non traditional”. I’ve really appreciated all your writing on parenthood and couldn’t believe the timing of this column.
I like how you talk about being specific in asking or offering help. I’ve already started to be more direct with friends like “yes a meal train, and can we agree you will visit just to check on us once a week? Once every two weeks?”
Also, Anne Helen Peterson did a very good Substack column in 2022 about how people with and without kids can show up for each other. Like any relationship worth having, it takes work.
Eeeeek this was so amazing. As a new mother all advice was spot on, especially the bit about being specific with plans / questions. I’d really love that. So hard to know w/o going through the parenthood experience (def didn’t do any of these things as a non parent!)
Something that’s really opened my eyes as a new parent (4 weeks on Thursday!!) is the bucket load of new empathy for pregnant and new parental parents like you said. I’m one of the first in my friend group to have kids and I can’t wait to support them in the way I always wanted but didn’t know how to ask for! And maybe I should actually learn how to ask for things better since I don’t think that need will ever stop and is the backbone of close friendships. 😉
I had a friend send this incredible text (below) and it made me cry!! I opted for coffee at the house, she watched the baby while I showered, and then we went out for lunch.
The text: Hey friend! With B going back to work next week I thought you could maybe use some help. I am free T/W/Th next week. Some ideas include:
1. I come while you hang with Baby and can do your cooking, laundry, buying and putting away groceries etc etc
2. I come and watch Baby while you get a quality nap/alone time
3. I come and take you and Baby out to lunch/coffee/walk etc
4. I come over with food/coffee and we can just chill, catch up, watch trashy tv, etc.
child-free-by-choicer here, writing in to say I feel reassured reading your advice! I have a few close friends with babies/young kids and it's nice to know I'm doing ok, but could always be supporting more (texted a friend with pointed questions after reading lol). also I wish child-free people in general didn't self-isolate. these babies are your friends' kids! they're literally your new best friends!!
As a new parent of a 3 month old I think one thing is the love for your baby that just grows and grows every day. For some people it’s instant maybe but when you’re baby is born you’re meeting a whole new person, you don’t know them at first. Then the more you get to know them the more your love for them grows until your heart has never felt so full ❤️
Once again putting words to feelings that I find hard articulating. Have a 4.5 month old and am already a nostalgic person so that part really hits. Also I sent this to my friend (hi jac!) who is 20 weeks preg and she responded:
“Not only did I subscribe to this after you recommended it last year, two other gals forwarded to me today!! I loved it.”
i seriously can’t stop looking at that picture of sunny laying on her belly on the floor, surrounded by her toys. besides her being sooooo cute it’s also a really beautiful image in terms of light and color and composition! put it in a museum!!
Reading this from night one back home with my newborn girl 🫨 I am madly in love with my baby, but learning to take care of her seems like an impossible learning curve at the moment. This is wild.
wow, congrats!! you are in the thick of it. im echoing the others that it is truly truly wild... then gets better but more wild in different ways, but easier too. its truly just survival at this point. hang in there <3
Just a stranger on the internet with a 4.5 month old sending you all the love! The first couple nights were the hardest for me, followed probably by the first two weeks and then the first 6 weeks, after which felt like a big turning point, and then it got pretty fun around 3ish months. Just in case someone else’s time frames are helpful. You got this!
Haley - thank you for writing this! So much of this resonates with me at 8 months pp. The last section about "connecting" is something I wish all my friends and family knew/felt comfortable with. I love the ultra specific questions! From the mundane baby things, to the difficult/awkward/touchy questions about my birth experience.
I had a difficult birth and when people asked me, "how are you? how was everything?" I would always have a short, sanitized version of my story prepared because I was afraid of taking up too much space.. and was worried that people weren't interested, which compounded the loneliness that is so common with new parenthood. It really meant a lot to have someone have genuine curiosity to ask me a question like, "what was that really like?" and be interested in hearing the honest truth.
I've been in therapy for ptsd for birth trauma and it has been so transformative and I'm so grateful to have that privilege to have extra support outside of my social circle. My therapist asked me to write down my entire birth story by hand and read it out to her, and now we are working on a plan to have me share it with a few others on my own timeline. I'm actually looking forward to it... a task like that is something I would have dreaded 5 months ago. Anyway!! To end on a positive note... I totally agree wjth you that parenthood has been so so so fun! Endlessly entertaining... they are changing all the time and my mind is truly blown.
Isn’t it funny how welcome the probing questions are and how seldom they come??
Also I’m so touched to hear you’re moving through your birth trauma. Telling the story and having others relate was surprisingly healing for me too. Birth is a lonely experience and I think that sense of isolation can really add to the post-traumatic stress of it
Excellent writing as always, Haley!! Helpful for me as someone who has close friends with kids and also hopes to become a parent myself in a few years. What's your advice on being there for friends who are far away? I want to be supportive and also get to know my friends' kids, but it's so hard when I can't just offer to stop by.
staying in touch, being understanding if they take a long time to respond, being available, asking about their kid but also about them. I also make a point to schedule a weeklong trip at least once a year (at their schedule and preferences), often often when the baby is young (2 weeks!) visiting for this length at that age is super vulnerable for both parties, but also so special. I become a part of their family, help where I can, or just offer company. it's the best
Truly just staying in touch!! Requesting pics, staying up to date on how they’re doing and how old their baby is, etc. Depends how close you are but also arranging to go visit when they’re ready for visitors!
Feeling like I wish I could subtly send this to friends who’ve totally fallen off cause I do think child free people don’t know how to engage and I feel like I’ve lost a few friends already a month pp. That’s been the biggest surprise for me. ☹️
Something I’ve had to remind myself of a lot is that a month to a baby parent is a long time!! Your baby changes so much and you learn so much in that time. But to a non parent a month goes by in a snap. So whatever absence you’re picking up on honestly may not even have registered for them. Either that or they’re truly waiting to hear from you. Some friends of mine asked to visit but others I finally had to invite and when I did they were like “YAY I DIDN’T WANT TO BE TOO FORWARD AND ASK!” Which I didn’t get because to me it seemed obvious they should express interest?! So anyway I’m basically reiterating what I wrote above but wanted to give you hope that some of this could truly be unintentional. Sending love!
I’m 4 months postpartum and really wanted to screengrab sections of this to post on my insta stories but it felt too passive aggressive haha…the not so subtle approach. I’m with you. I’m trying to hold both understanding and disappointment in my hands because I think both can be true. And when the disappointment feels too heavy, I look at my baby and kiss him and dip back into my little world that I certainly am obsessed with!
Do any mums have advice for supporting friends with young kids and unsupportive partners? I have a close friend with a one year old and I see her much less than she says she'd like to. Over the last two months she's cancelled plans at the last minute five times because her partner suddenly didn't want to stay home alone with the baby and didn't want guests. My friend is very extroverted and tells me often how much she values socialisation to stay afloat.
I make sure to stay involved via text/Facetime etc but I know in-person interaction is really what my friend is craving. I don't mind our catch-ups being at her house just sitting around at all, but her partner is starting to block this quite strongly and I'm starting to get worried about it for my friend's sake. She often calls me when he's left for work for the day nearly if not in tears. I can see she's drowning but I don't know how to help other than just being there for her on the end of the line.
I think you already sound like you’re being an amazing friend! The only thing that springs to mind is not standing for the husband blocking support she clearly wants and needs, even if it makes things awkward for you.
Loved reading this and it’s spot on especially the jumpy parent thing. My eldest is almost 6 and kids are mirrors. I’m on my second so those nostalgia moments feel more real because it’s the last time I’ll ever do it. But yeah parenting is exhausting and incredible. Wouldn’t change it for anything.
No it’s totally spot on and also it was so hard the first time there’s that relief you get but with the second it’s not as hard because you know it’s a phase so it’s much sharper nostalgia because it’s a true end of the era. But also every version of my kids as been fascinating and delightful the nostalgia doesn’t sting for long. My 6 year old is the fucking best we go to cafes and play noughts and crosses and read chapter books and go for bike rides. I’m obsessed with every stage of her.
Yes!! Reminds me of this thing Allison Brimley just wrote in response to this newsletter: “I find myself feeling like I need to memorize my baby before he changes, fully soak him in, even though I have 2 older kids and I have never once wished I could have them back in their baby forms. Their present selves are plenty delightful for me.”
My sister is 6 months pregnant and we live together! I am so excited for this baby to come into our lives and support her as a co-parent, but we are still figuring out what that looks like, especially as our set up is “non traditional”. I’ve really appreciated all your writing on parenthood and couldn’t believe the timing of this column.
I like how you talk about being specific in asking or offering help. I’ve already started to be more direct with friends like “yes a meal train, and can we agree you will visit just to check on us once a week? Once every two weeks?”
Also, Anne Helen Peterson did a very good Substack column in 2022 about how people with and without kids can show up for each other. Like any relationship worth having, it takes work.
WELL. SAID. !!!
Eeeeek this was so amazing. As a new mother all advice was spot on, especially the bit about being specific with plans / questions. I’d really love that. So hard to know w/o going through the parenthood experience (def didn’t do any of these things as a non parent!)
Something that’s really opened my eyes as a new parent (4 weeks on Thursday!!) is the bucket load of new empathy for pregnant and new parental parents like you said. I’m one of the first in my friend group to have kids and I can’t wait to support them in the way I always wanted but didn’t know how to ask for! And maybe I should actually learn how to ask for things better since I don’t think that need will ever stop and is the backbone of close friendships. 😉
Congratulations!!
Also yes totally!! It’s wild how immediately you lock into this community you never thought much about before
I had a friend send this incredible text (below) and it made me cry!! I opted for coffee at the house, she watched the baby while I showered, and then we went out for lunch.
The text: Hey friend! With B going back to work next week I thought you could maybe use some help. I am free T/W/Th next week. Some ideas include:
1. I come while you hang with Baby and can do your cooking, laundry, buying and putting away groceries etc etc
2. I come and watch Baby while you get a quality nap/alone time
3. I come and take you and Baby out to lunch/coffee/walk etc
4. I come over with food/coffee and we can just chill, catch up, watch trashy tv, etc.
The sweetest!!
child-free-by-choicer here, writing in to say I feel reassured reading your advice! I have a few close friends with babies/young kids and it's nice to know I'm doing ok, but could always be supporting more (texted a friend with pointed questions after reading lol). also I wish child-free people in general didn't self-isolate. these babies are your friends' kids! they're literally your new best friends!!
You sound like the best!!
As a new parent of a 3 month old I think one thing is the love for your baby that just grows and grows every day. For some people it’s instant maybe but when you’re baby is born you’re meeting a whole new person, you don’t know them at first. Then the more you get to know them the more your love for them grows until your heart has never felt so full ❤️
Once again putting words to feelings that I find hard articulating. Have a 4.5 month old and am already a nostalgic person so that part really hits. Also I sent this to my friend (hi jac!) who is 20 weeks preg and she responded:
“Not only did I subscribe to this after you recommended it last year, two other gals forwarded to me today!! I loved it.”
So sweet!!
i seriously can’t stop looking at that picture of sunny laying on her belly on the floor, surrounded by her toys. besides her being sooooo cute it’s also a really beautiful image in terms of light and color and composition! put it in a museum!!
Hahaha ❤️❤️❤️
Reading this from night one back home with my newborn girl 🫨 I am madly in love with my baby, but learning to take care of her seems like an impossible learning curve at the moment. This is wild.
Ooommmgggg I have a 3.5 month old and I promise you she turns into a person!!! First 2 months are like “is this thing broken” lmfao
Lol
wow, congrats!! you are in the thick of it. im echoing the others that it is truly truly wild... then gets better but more wild in different ways, but easier too. its truly just survival at this point. hang in there <3
Omg!! Night one! The most insane!!!! Sending so much love. It gets better so much fast than you think!
Just a stranger on the internet with a 4.5 month old sending you all the love! The first couple nights were the hardest for me, followed probably by the first two weeks and then the first 6 weeks, after which felt like a big turning point, and then it got pretty fun around 3ish months. Just in case someone else’s time frames are helpful. You got this!
It really does help to hear, thank you :)
HI, I really love the new format of the Sunday essays; news paper advice column style but longer form. Thank you !
Haley - thank you for writing this! So much of this resonates with me at 8 months pp. The last section about "connecting" is something I wish all my friends and family knew/felt comfortable with. I love the ultra specific questions! From the mundane baby things, to the difficult/awkward/touchy questions about my birth experience.
I had a difficult birth and when people asked me, "how are you? how was everything?" I would always have a short, sanitized version of my story prepared because I was afraid of taking up too much space.. and was worried that people weren't interested, which compounded the loneliness that is so common with new parenthood. It really meant a lot to have someone have genuine curiosity to ask me a question like, "what was that really like?" and be interested in hearing the honest truth.
I've been in therapy for ptsd for birth trauma and it has been so transformative and I'm so grateful to have that privilege to have extra support outside of my social circle. My therapist asked me to write down my entire birth story by hand and read it out to her, and now we are working on a plan to have me share it with a few others on my own timeline. I'm actually looking forward to it... a task like that is something I would have dreaded 5 months ago. Anyway!! To end on a positive note... I totally agree wjth you that parenthood has been so so so fun! Endlessly entertaining... they are changing all the time and my mind is truly blown.
Isn’t it funny how welcome the probing questions are and how seldom they come??
Also I’m so touched to hear you’re moving through your birth trauma. Telling the story and having others relate was surprisingly healing for me too. Birth is a lonely experience and I think that sense of isolation can really add to the post-traumatic stress of it
Excellent writing as always, Haley!! Helpful for me as someone who has close friends with kids and also hopes to become a parent myself in a few years. What's your advice on being there for friends who are far away? I want to be supportive and also get to know my friends' kids, but it's so hard when I can't just offer to stop by.
I have a 5 month old and friends who are far away! My advice is the way Haley put it, obsessing!! And asking specific questions ❤️
staying in touch, being understanding if they take a long time to respond, being available, asking about their kid but also about them. I also make a point to schedule a weeklong trip at least once a year (at their schedule and preferences), often often when the baby is young (2 weeks!) visiting for this length at that age is super vulnerable for both parties, but also so special. I become a part of their family, help where I can, or just offer company. it's the best
Truly just staying in touch!! Requesting pics, staying up to date on how they’re doing and how old their baby is, etc. Depends how close you are but also arranging to go visit when they’re ready for visitors!
Feeling like I wish I could subtly send this to friends who’ve totally fallen off cause I do think child free people don’t know how to engage and I feel like I’ve lost a few friends already a month pp. That’s been the biggest surprise for me. ☹️
Something I’ve had to remind myself of a lot is that a month to a baby parent is a long time!! Your baby changes so much and you learn so much in that time. But to a non parent a month goes by in a snap. So whatever absence you’re picking up on honestly may not even have registered for them. Either that or they’re truly waiting to hear from you. Some friends of mine asked to visit but others I finally had to invite and when I did they were like “YAY I DIDN’T WANT TO BE TOO FORWARD AND ASK!” Which I didn’t get because to me it seemed obvious they should express interest?! So anyway I’m basically reiterating what I wrote above but wanted to give you hope that some of this could truly be unintentional. Sending love!
Ugh ya that’s true. You make a good point and I hope I am able to reconcile some of my feelings rather than be resentful
I’m 4 months postpartum and really wanted to screengrab sections of this to post on my insta stories but it felt too passive aggressive haha…the not so subtle approach. I’m with you. I’m trying to hold both understanding and disappointment in my hands because I think both can be true. And when the disappointment feels too heavy, I look at my baby and kiss him and dip back into my little world that I certainly am obsessed with!
Do any mums have advice for supporting friends with young kids and unsupportive partners? I have a close friend with a one year old and I see her much less than she says she'd like to. Over the last two months she's cancelled plans at the last minute five times because her partner suddenly didn't want to stay home alone with the baby and didn't want guests. My friend is very extroverted and tells me often how much she values socialisation to stay afloat.
I make sure to stay involved via text/Facetime etc but I know in-person interaction is really what my friend is craving. I don't mind our catch-ups being at her house just sitting around at all, but her partner is starting to block this quite strongly and I'm starting to get worried about it for my friend's sake. She often calls me when he's left for work for the day nearly if not in tears. I can see she's drowning but I don't know how to help other than just being there for her on the end of the line.
I think you already sound like you’re being an amazing friend! The only thing that springs to mind is not standing for the husband blocking support she clearly wants and needs, even if it makes things awkward for you.
Loved reading this and it’s spot on especially the jumpy parent thing. My eldest is almost 6 and kids are mirrors. I’m on my second so those nostalgia moments feel more real because it’s the last time I’ll ever do it. But yeah parenting is exhausting and incredible. Wouldn’t change it for anything.
Oh man I think about that sometimes!! A lot is softened when you assume you’ll do it again (but then that assumption could also be wrong!)
No it’s totally spot on and also it was so hard the first time there’s that relief you get but with the second it’s not as hard because you know it’s a phase so it’s much sharper nostalgia because it’s a true end of the era. But also every version of my kids as been fascinating and delightful the nostalgia doesn’t sting for long. My 6 year old is the fucking best we go to cafes and play noughts and crosses and read chapter books and go for bike rides. I’m obsessed with every stage of her.
Yes!! Reminds me of this thing Allison Brimley just wrote in response to this newsletter: “I find myself feeling like I need to memorize my baby before he changes, fully soak him in, even though I have 2 older kids and I have never once wished I could have them back in their baby forms. Their present selves are plenty delightful for me.”