i couldn’t agree more ! i wish it was more socially acceptable to say “hey, no offense, love you, but i don’t like when you ____” — because the alternative, staying quiet, just leads to resentment. and to be frank, i’ve seen far more people in my industry get “canceled” for being annoying, than i’ve seen people canceled for legitimate assault. often the assailant continues to get work while the victim is treated crazy, annoying, etc. love your blog btw
This reminded of something I read that I think Garance Doré said, which was that she tells herself being shy is actually a form of egoism, and that once you tell yourself that being friendly and open is more helpful to people, it’s easier to do. Obviously more complex than that for many people but I found this a perspective that helped me to not worry too much about what I said or how it landed. You won’t get it right every time but it helps me limit neurotic worrying about how something I said could have been interpreted differently from my intentions.
I was definitely overly preoccupied about not being considered smart in my 20s, which manifested in really annoying traits that I cringe at now. What a waste of time. Now when I catch myself being worried about that I give myself a little chat to say worrying about that gets in the way of actually learning or doing anything.
I feel like my annoyingness stems from not wanting to inconvenience anyone. I hate when other people do things to slowly so I live my life at breakneck speed, I’m always in a rush and I don’t want to stop and talk on the street (I live in a small town) because I’ve allocated 10 mins to do this thing and talking to you will make it 17 mins and that was not part of the plan. But then I’ll talk anyway because I don’t want to be rude and then I’ll get frustrated and I come across as over bearing because I just want everything to be as efficient as possible.
I want to read all of the comments so bad but holding back! I don't think it will be helpful for me at the moment .. I've been specifically trying to be less over-analyzing of myself and embrace being annoying in the ways I am annoying, which is sometimes a lot, in various ways.
Had a big reminder last year along these lines. I tend to hold back from reaching out to people. in order to avoid feeling annoying - then I remembered the people I tend to like being friends with most are all pretty annoying themselves. It was a helpful revelation :) except yeah some flavors of annoying are a bit too much for me, so ... hmmm haha food for thought
I cannot STAND when I'm in a store and there is, for example, a couple talking loudly. They're down the aisle from each other and one needs to know if the other prefers crunchy or smooth peanut butter. Or two friends are thrifting and they're just having a blast, laughing loudly, etc. I just want to shop in peace and silence and they take up so much space.
But the most annoying thing I've realized is that I AM these people!! I am calling out from two aisles over, "Babe, babe! Look at this! Don't you love it??" My shadow self in full force.
This gave me big mean girl energy. The idea that your most annoying trait is your effort not to be annoying sets up a kind of no-win logic - where anyone trying not to suck is, by definition, annoying because they’re trying. It feels like you’re critiquing people who are overly eager, apologetic, or image-conscious, in other words, people who are insecure or socially anxious and trying to fit in. Whether that’s your intent or not, it reads as punching down.
I'm sorry it gave you that feeling!! I think there's a big difference between being considerate/conscientious (which is great) and being subsumed by people's impression of you to the point of actually putting walls up around you, which is something i've definitely done too. Ultimately I think this was about recognizing that sometimes our self-criticism is the bigger problem than the flaws we try to hide from other people. I think this is a super common experience and it can be freeing to realize—no intention to punch down!
Welp, my initial reaction was "nope, this is not how it works for me". Ironically followed by the realisation that sometimes I have blunt opinions or conclusions because one of my shadow traits/fears is being wishy washy.
I am way too keen to be 'funny' and whilst I like that I am quick-witted and playful, appreciate it might be hard to get to know me at times, so try and hold back and not take court!
Hahaha ok I do relate to this but I also want to add that I feel like some people are reading my theory as "your insecurity is annoying" or "trying is annoying" and I want to clarify that I think it's the hiding of ourselves that actually serves as a barrier, not being flawed in itself!
Immediately sent this to one of my best friends who’s also a Baby head and we agreed that we are both definitely the friend who fears being a burden to a truly burdensome extent. (Another side effect of this: I think it can be hard for people to feel close to you when you never allow them to see you needing help or support you in a meaningful way!).
I think this tendency also contributes to my other most annoying trait, which is trying to rationalize away people’s (mainly my husband’s) negative emotions as a weird and extremely unproductive way of helping. My response can often be “let me show you why you shouldn’t be upset/anxious/mad about that!” instead of “oh wow that sucks,” which famously people do not want to hear!
It didn’t occur to me until now but I think that actually *is* an expression of me fearing being a burden - I’m extremely good at rationalizing my own negative feelings so as to not inconvenience anyone with them, and also feel the need to apply that to everyone around me!
"Of course, some people are just annoying to their core by nature (shout out to you guys)”
Lol. It me. Annoying is definitely a top five personality trait of mine. I’m loud, enthusiastic, persistent, manic and dramatic at times. The good news is there’s a certain light that radiates from the annoying when you have the courage to own it. I think the core benefit of your exercise is cultivating self-awareness, the quality that makes all of our unsavory ones more palatable.
Yes!! I also think this is not the type of annoying i'm talking about!! I think since yours is so personality-based it's not about hiding at all, but what makes you special
The courage to own it !!! That’s what I needed to read this morning. Spiraling a bit after reading the article + comments because like every good human, I fear being annoying. Xo
Don't spiral!! I feel like some people are misunderstanding my point a little (which could def be on me). I think it's totally normal to fear being annoying and that fear can make you thoughtful/considerate of other people—I think what can be difficult is becoming so consumed with/fearful of people's impression of you that you're actually self-obsessing/not connecting, or if we're talking about a different flavor of this (fear of being annoying was just one example of an insecurity), the act of performing or fronting can actually be more anti-social than just owning your flawed/insecure self. It's ultimately uplifting I think?!
Yes, this discourse is sort of adjacent to Tim Kreider’s essay on the concept of a “soul toupee” - an essay I think about constantly! Humans are all so messy and embarrassing and endearing. 🫶🏼
This was a really interesting question to noodle on because I think of annoyingness as being in the eye of the beholder — so therefore it’s very specific person to person. I’ve thought a lot about annoyingness after your piece from a year or two ago about your (Haley) being privy in some way to a former fan/subscriber describing you as annoying. For better or worse, what’s most annoying about me is different for my bf than for my mom than for my manager, etc. even the same characteristic can be annoying in different ways. I come from a family that’s very chatty and intellectual in the mornings. When I’m around my family, I am annoying in my relative lack of enthusiasm for this social ritual, but my bf who valiantly gets up very early despite not being a morning person, finds my level of chipperness relative to his in the morning annoying. I try to internalize this as a reminder that I can’t please everyone!
Ha! True! I have a recently new saying that I repeat to myself frequently: « You know what annoying means? It means I’m not behaving/doing things the way that person would want me to, that’s all it is. »
But otherwise aligned with what Haley is saying, sometimes trying to avoid so much being annoying is what makes you annoying.
Came to say that picture of Marnie is the PERFECT image for this post, 5 stars no notes.
My most annoying traits: similar to your friend, not wanting to be a burden which manifests as not asking for help to my detriment, my fear of being disliked (people pleaser) and not knowing how to act in situations with near-strangers (too friendly? Total bitch? Awkward)
I’ve heard that if you want to know what your worst qualities are, look at what drives you absolutely insane (beyond annoyance) about other people… certainly tracks for me and my mother, lol
Yup yup yup, it's part of shadow work I've learned over the years. We've gotta ask ourselves WHY does something/someone/ways people are inflame us *so* much? If someone else thinks nothing of the way someone shows up in their life, why does it bother YOU so much, you know?
It's an interesting self-awareness practice to do!
i couldn’t agree more ! i wish it was more socially acceptable to say “hey, no offense, love you, but i don’t like when you ____” — because the alternative, staying quiet, just leads to resentment. and to be frank, i’ve seen far more people in my industry get “canceled” for being annoying, than i’ve seen people canceled for legitimate assault. often the assailant continues to get work while the victim is treated crazy, annoying, etc. love your blog btw
This reminded of something I read that I think Garance Doré said, which was that she tells herself being shy is actually a form of egoism, and that once you tell yourself that being friendly and open is more helpful to people, it’s easier to do. Obviously more complex than that for many people but I found this a perspective that helped me to not worry too much about what I said or how it landed. You won’t get it right every time but it helps me limit neurotic worrying about how something I said could have been interpreted differently from my intentions.
I was definitely overly preoccupied about not being considered smart in my 20s, which manifested in really annoying traits that I cringe at now. What a waste of time. Now when I catch myself being worried about that I give myself a little chat to say worrying about that gets in the way of actually learning or doing anything.
I feel like my annoyingness stems from not wanting to inconvenience anyone. I hate when other people do things to slowly so I live my life at breakneck speed, I’m always in a rush and I don’t want to stop and talk on the street (I live in a small town) because I’ve allocated 10 mins to do this thing and talking to you will make it 17 mins and that was not part of the plan. But then I’ll talk anyway because I don’t want to be rude and then I’ll get frustrated and I come across as over bearing because I just want everything to be as efficient as possible.
I want to read all of the comments so bad but holding back! I don't think it will be helpful for me at the moment .. I've been specifically trying to be less over-analyzing of myself and embrace being annoying in the ways I am annoying, which is sometimes a lot, in various ways.
Had a big reminder last year along these lines. I tend to hold back from reaching out to people. in order to avoid feeling annoying - then I remembered the people I tend to like being friends with most are all pretty annoying themselves. It was a helpful revelation :) except yeah some flavors of annoying are a bit too much for me, so ... hmmm haha food for thought
I cannot STAND when I'm in a store and there is, for example, a couple talking loudly. They're down the aisle from each other and one needs to know if the other prefers crunchy or smooth peanut butter. Or two friends are thrifting and they're just having a blast, laughing loudly, etc. I just want to shop in peace and silence and they take up so much space.
But the most annoying thing I've realized is that I AM these people!! I am calling out from two aisles over, "Babe, babe! Look at this! Don't you love it??" My shadow self in full force.
This gave me big mean girl energy. The idea that your most annoying trait is your effort not to be annoying sets up a kind of no-win logic - where anyone trying not to suck is, by definition, annoying because they’re trying. It feels like you’re critiquing people who are overly eager, apologetic, or image-conscious, in other words, people who are insecure or socially anxious and trying to fit in. Whether that’s your intent or not, it reads as punching down.
I'm sorry it gave you that feeling!! I think there's a big difference between being considerate/conscientious (which is great) and being subsumed by people's impression of you to the point of actually putting walls up around you, which is something i've definitely done too. Ultimately I think this was about recognizing that sometimes our self-criticism is the bigger problem than the flaws we try to hide from other people. I think this is a super common experience and it can be freeing to realize—no intention to punch down!
Welp, my initial reaction was "nope, this is not how it works for me". Ironically followed by the realisation that sometimes I have blunt opinions or conclusions because one of my shadow traits/fears is being wishy washy.
Ha, to be fair to your initial reaction, it's not necessarily universal!! I do see it a lot though
Of course! It's kinda fun to follow the hypothesis into your own behaviour too! People don't need to spiral.
I am way too keen to be 'funny' and whilst I like that I am quick-witted and playful, appreciate it might be hard to get to know me at times, so try and hold back and not take court!
Hahaha ok I do relate to this but I also want to add that I feel like some people are reading my theory as "your insecurity is annoying" or "trying is annoying" and I want to clarify that I think it's the hiding of ourselves that actually serves as a barrier, not being flawed in itself!
Immediately sent this to one of my best friends who’s also a Baby head and we agreed that we are both definitely the friend who fears being a burden to a truly burdensome extent. (Another side effect of this: I think it can be hard for people to feel close to you when you never allow them to see you needing help or support you in a meaningful way!).
I think this tendency also contributes to my other most annoying trait, which is trying to rationalize away people’s (mainly my husband’s) negative emotions as a weird and extremely unproductive way of helping. My response can often be “let me show you why you shouldn’t be upset/anxious/mad about that!” instead of “oh wow that sucks,” which famously people do not want to hear!
It didn’t occur to me until now but I think that actually *is* an expression of me fearing being a burden - I’m extremely good at rationalizing my own negative feelings so as to not inconvenience anyone with them, and also feel the need to apply that to everyone around me!
Ah I recognize that impulse of rationalising other people their problems too. I try now to ask: you want a solution, or do you just wanna vent?
Regarding this reply: giving unsolicited advice is an annoying trait of mine!
Oooh yep same to unsolicited advice!
“Baby head” is a good phrase - imma steal that
"Of course, some people are just annoying to their core by nature (shout out to you guys)”
Lol. It me. Annoying is definitely a top five personality trait of mine. I’m loud, enthusiastic, persistent, manic and dramatic at times. The good news is there’s a certain light that radiates from the annoying when you have the courage to own it. I think the core benefit of your exercise is cultivating self-awareness, the quality that makes all of our unsavory ones more palatable.
Yes!! I also think this is not the type of annoying i'm talking about!! I think since yours is so personality-based it's not about hiding at all, but what makes you special
The courage to own it !!! That’s what I needed to read this morning. Spiraling a bit after reading the article + comments because like every good human, I fear being annoying. Xo
Don't spiral!! I feel like some people are misunderstanding my point a little (which could def be on me). I think it's totally normal to fear being annoying and that fear can make you thoughtful/considerate of other people—I think what can be difficult is becoming so consumed with/fearful of people's impression of you that you're actually self-obsessing/not connecting, or if we're talking about a different flavor of this (fear of being annoying was just one example of an insecurity), the act of performing or fronting can actually be more anti-social than just owning your flawed/insecure self. It's ultimately uplifting I think?!
Yes, this discourse is sort of adjacent to Tim Kreider’s essay on the concept of a “soul toupee” - an essay I think about constantly! Humans are all so messy and embarrassing and endearing. 🫶🏼
Soul toupee!! I must read
This was a really interesting question to noodle on because I think of annoyingness as being in the eye of the beholder — so therefore it’s very specific person to person. I’ve thought a lot about annoyingness after your piece from a year or two ago about your (Haley) being privy in some way to a former fan/subscriber describing you as annoying. For better or worse, what’s most annoying about me is different for my bf than for my mom than for my manager, etc. even the same characteristic can be annoying in different ways. I come from a family that’s very chatty and intellectual in the mornings. When I’m around my family, I am annoying in my relative lack of enthusiasm for this social ritual, but my bf who valiantly gets up very early despite not being a morning person, finds my level of chipperness relative to his in the morning annoying. I try to internalize this as a reminder that I can’t please everyone!
Ha! True! I have a recently new saying that I repeat to myself frequently: « You know what annoying means? It means I’m not behaving/doing things the way that person would want me to, that’s all it is. »
But otherwise aligned with what Haley is saying, sometimes trying to avoid so much being annoying is what makes you annoying.
I agree with this! So many different types of annoying. We need more words for annoying! Lol
A wonderful example of how our strategies to solve a problem only get us further from the actual solution…
Came to say that picture of Marnie is the PERFECT image for this post, 5 stars no notes.
My most annoying traits: similar to your friend, not wanting to be a burden which manifests as not asking for help to my detriment, my fear of being disliked (people pleaser) and not knowing how to act in situations with near-strangers (too friendly? Total bitch? Awkward)
Lolol I could have written this. “Too friendly? Total bitch?” Incredible.
We are not alone!
oof yeah, I don't know how to act in situations with near strangers/strangers either
I’ve heard that if you want to know what your worst qualities are, look at what drives you absolutely insane (beyond annoyance) about other people… certainly tracks for me and my mother, lol
Yup yup yup, it's part of shadow work I've learned over the years. We've gotta ask ourselves WHY does something/someone/ways people are inflame us *so* much? If someone else thinks nothing of the way someone shows up in their life, why does it bother YOU so much, you know?
It's an interesting self-awareness practice to do!
Amazing exercise
I’d like to add that i unapologetically tell boring stories so pick your poison I guess
Can vouch