There are a few newsletter writers—mostly women, mostly 10 or 15 years younger than I am—who write essays on ideas that are similar to the ones I explore, and whose work is sometimes discussed in conversation with mine.
my dad died suddenly when I was 19, and a person close to me said his death (and the accompanying legal mess of his will and estate, left to me alone to deal with) would age me 10 years. in some ways it was true, and I spent a lot of my 20s feeling alone in having gone through something so “adult” as early as I did and entirely by myself.
at 33, I finally feel like I’m among peers. I feel more knowable because more people my age have experienced a comparable loss and the weird stuff that comes along with it. it feels dark but also funny, like I’ve just been waiting for my friends to lose their parents so I could welcome them to this shitty room where I’d been sitting by myself for years. (I of course do not actually wish the loss of loved ones on anyone.)
it’s such a relief to just be in my 30s now, not wise beyond my years, not more experienced than your average adult. I don’t know many people my age whose lives haven’t been marked by profound loss and grief, even if it looks different than mine, and I feel so much more average and a part of the world now.
Ooof this is me. I lost my dad at 19 as well. Now am 33 and witnessing friends experience loss. Relieved to not feel so alone any more. It was so hard to go through my 20s and having to repeatedly explain the intensity of grief.
“Unfortunately, we can’t navigate through life on fluid intelligence alone. I spent years frustrated that what I intuited or vacuumed up from older and wiser people was difficult to take on in practice, or “crystallize.” I felt like I knew a lot of things technically, or intellectually, but not viscerally. In the end, trying to behave like someone older than I was—avoiding all the mistakes they warned me about—wasn’t the right goal. What I needed was time for life to teach me instead.”
Loved this part especially! We like to think we can intellectualize our way out of making mistakes or taking winding roads, but that’s the point of life! To know things viscerally, you have to live through them. Breakups feel like especially fertile ground for this kind of learning (you think you’ve learned your lesson, but love is perhaps our most convincing illusion). I’ve started thinking of it as embracing the thrill of experience itself vs the illusion of control. It makes me approach life more through the lens of living it rather than trying to meticulously calculate every decision in pursuit of some neat, linear outcome which just lacks vibrancy. This alternative has felt way more liberating, and of course, it makes for a better story. I want to learn by living my life. I want to see how the story unfolds, twists and turns and all, without always trying to outsmart the necessity of experience.
Haley! Thank you for writing this, it touches on something I’ve been trying to give shape to as I move into the new decade of my 30s. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe it’s the wisdom and contentedness of time? But I used to feel like everything i thought would be worthwhile and insightful to say. Lately I feel sortof empty by comparison. I don’t have any special wisdom or insight and my god is it a relief. I’m trying to create meaning by giving and listening and responding to others rather than communicating how clever or tormented I am.
I’m in my late twenties and suddenly, abruptly, stopped feeling precocious last year when I had a near death experience/injury followed by so much unrelated family pain. I feel wiser and like I’ll never have an interesting thought again! I have been trying not to pathologize this, you put to words a really helpful way to process the growing up and still having so far to go
Appreciated reading this very much, especially the wisdom around the asynchronous tension between intellect and felt experience. One thing that I think fundamentally doesn’t change is intensity. Precociousness and intensity tend to travel alongside each other. I do love me the company of a galaxy brain that flows in the ease of a wiser, lived in body 😌
Really loved this piece and it reminded me of recovery. In AA newcomers like me always want to rush towards the ending - achieving sobriety, completing the 12 steps, being 10 years sober in ten days, etc. Recovery of course is a process in sitting in discomfort and earning crystallised intelligence through the trying to recover daily, rather than the instant gratification of your abusing your substance. The reverse of fluid intelligence I guess haha.
I’ve always struggled with a similar pressure you describe. Turning 30 last year, I felt myself begin to let it all go. I looked forward to the birthday and it was largely for the lore of caring less about what others think of you in your 30s.
I can’t say I’ve completely stopped caring about what others think of me, but I’ve noticed a shift to being at peace with my own pace. To trusting my interests over chasing opportunities I think I should be interested in. It’s so freeing! I catch myself harping on my past self for not letting go of the external expectations that didn’t suit me sooner. And I feel like I see this in Gen Zs so often - the ability to follow their inner compass early and passionately.
I wonder if these younger writers you reference are feeling the same pressure to perform as you did… or are they aligned with an inner instinct they don’t associate with a societal one? Is that even possible?And if they believe it to be their own expectations alone, is that all that matters? (Since it possibly makes them feel at ease in their efforts rather than apart of a rat race.)
my dad died suddenly when I was 19, and a person close to me said his death (and the accompanying legal mess of his will and estate, left to me alone to deal with) would age me 10 years. in some ways it was true, and I spent a lot of my 20s feeling alone in having gone through something so “adult” as early as I did and entirely by myself.
at 33, I finally feel like I’m among peers. I feel more knowable because more people my age have experienced a comparable loss and the weird stuff that comes along with it. it feels dark but also funny, like I’ve just been waiting for my friends to lose their parents so I could welcome them to this shitty room where I’d been sitting by myself for years. (I of course do not actually wish the loss of loved ones on anyone.)
it’s such a relief to just be in my 30s now, not wise beyond my years, not more experienced than your average adult. I don’t know many people my age whose lives haven’t been marked by profound loss and grief, even if it looks different than mine, and I feel so much more average and a part of the world now.
What a tragic reason to grow up early. I can totally see it being a relief to outgrow that kind of alienation. Sending lots of love!
Ooof this is me. I lost my dad at 19 as well. Now am 33 and witnessing friends experience loss. Relieved to not feel so alone any more. It was so hard to go through my 20s and having to repeatedly explain the intensity of grief.
💕
❤️❤️❤️
“Unfortunately, we can’t navigate through life on fluid intelligence alone. I spent years frustrated that what I intuited or vacuumed up from older and wiser people was difficult to take on in practice, or “crystallize.” I felt like I knew a lot of things technically, or intellectually, but not viscerally. In the end, trying to behave like someone older than I was—avoiding all the mistakes they warned me about—wasn’t the right goal. What I needed was time for life to teach me instead.”
Loved this part especially! We like to think we can intellectualize our way out of making mistakes or taking winding roads, but that’s the point of life! To know things viscerally, you have to live through them. Breakups feel like especially fertile ground for this kind of learning (you think you’ve learned your lesson, but love is perhaps our most convincing illusion). I’ve started thinking of it as embracing the thrill of experience itself vs the illusion of control. It makes me approach life more through the lens of living it rather than trying to meticulously calculate every decision in pursuit of some neat, linear outcome which just lacks vibrancy. This alternative has felt way more liberating, and of course, it makes for a better story. I want to learn by living my life. I want to see how the story unfolds, twists and turns and all, without always trying to outsmart the necessity of experience.
Yes!
“There’s not much use to getting somewhere faster if, once you get there, you just have to keep going.” this part gave me chills
Also known as capitalism.
such a punchy sentence!!! 😮💨😮💨
My husband was literally born with a “furrowed brow” — the weight-of-the world on his wee shoulders, and is now unironically, a clinical psychologist.
He, like many of us, skipped the precocious 20’s and only ever knew the seriousness of things. (He does a mean karaoke tho)!
Thanks for writing this good reminder to step out of the intellectualizing, get into our bodies and value lived experience.
This is funny, I was also born with a furrowed brow/weight of the world vibes (there are pictures of this), and I am a psychotherapist!
Ha, that is interesting. We need you out there, understanding and attending to the furrowed brow folk!
Haley! Thank you for writing this, it touches on something I’ve been trying to give shape to as I move into the new decade of my 30s. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe it’s the wisdom and contentedness of time? But I used to feel like everything i thought would be worthwhile and insightful to say. Lately I feel sortof empty by comparison. I don’t have any special wisdom or insight and my god is it a relief. I’m trying to create meaning by giving and listening and responding to others rather than communicating how clever or tormented I am.
Ugh this felt like free therapy!
I’m in my late twenties and suddenly, abruptly, stopped feeling precocious last year when I had a near death experience/injury followed by so much unrelated family pain. I feel wiser and like I’ll never have an interesting thought again! I have been trying not to pathologize this, you put to words a really helpful way to process the growing up and still having so far to go
Appreciated reading this very much, especially the wisdom around the asynchronous tension between intellect and felt experience. One thing that I think fundamentally doesn’t change is intensity. Precociousness and intensity tend to travel alongside each other. I do love me the company of a galaxy brain that flows in the ease of a wiser, lived in body 😌
Really loved this piece and it reminded me of recovery. In AA newcomers like me always want to rush towards the ending - achieving sobriety, completing the 12 steps, being 10 years sober in ten days, etc. Recovery of course is a process in sitting in discomfort and earning crystallised intelligence through the trying to recover daily, rather than the instant gratification of your abusing your substance. The reverse of fluid intelligence I guess haha.
Resonated greatly with this!
I’ve always struggled with a similar pressure you describe. Turning 30 last year, I felt myself begin to let it all go. I looked forward to the birthday and it was largely for the lore of caring less about what others think of you in your 30s.
I can’t say I’ve completely stopped caring about what others think of me, but I’ve noticed a shift to being at peace with my own pace. To trusting my interests over chasing opportunities I think I should be interested in. It’s so freeing! I catch myself harping on my past self for not letting go of the external expectations that didn’t suit me sooner. And I feel like I see this in Gen Zs so often - the ability to follow their inner compass early and passionately.
I wonder if these younger writers you reference are feeling the same pressure to perform as you did… or are they aligned with an inner instinct they don’t associate with a societal one? Is that even possible?And if they believe it to be their own expectations alone, is that all that matters? (Since it possibly makes them feel at ease in their efforts rather than apart of a rat race.)
Hi Haley! Can you recommend some writers you mention in your post? Would love to read more writing like yours :)
Purposely didn’t call one out but I share writers I like all the time in 15 things, that’s the best spot to find my recs!