This is gorgeous and so accurate. Reminds me of a poem called Culpable by Joy Sullivan that helped me through my ambivalence on whether or not to have a second kid. Here’s a piece:
“I wrote a pep talk recently to myself on a bar napkin: no matter
which road you take, it will be both glorious and unbearable. Every
road is lonely. Every road, holy. The only error is not walking forth.
Yesterday, a friend in California, when giving me directions, told
me I could take the trail toward the tall pines or turn left and find
a field of poppies, growing gold and savage at the edge of the valley.
When I asked which to choose, she simply shrugged and said:
I’m currently in exactly the same spot (re: second child) and this literally made me gasp in resonance. Thank you so much for making this gorgeous poem part of my awareness.
What a brilliant essay - you get it just right, the fact that the impossible hardness of it and the sweetness just become reality. I'm sitting here reading it feeding my 6-month-old daughter while my 2-year-old son is in another room dismantling the vacuum cleaner (as far as I can tell?!). I finished writing a novel in the past two years, and people ask how did I do it - but it was my sanity! It was my secret life and my freedom - and it's def clear from your piece that you understand what it's like to need those things, as a new mum!
Haley, I’m always in awe of how accurately (at least to me) you seem to capture motherhood—I regularly send quotes from your essays to my husband, or to friends of mine who are considering having kids, because they often expand on conversations we’ve already been having on a given topic. My daughter also turned two in November, and I so appreciate getting to (para socially) walk along side you on this journey and know I have someone out there who sees so much of what I see. Thank you. ❤️
Absolutely nailed it. I was recently musing with my husband that a life without the “both are better” mundane whiplash of parenting would feel to me like living in a geographic climate that lacks changes in the weather, which I truly cannot imagine. I don’t always want the chaotic rainy winter trek into Manhattan with inside-out umbrellas and grumpy, soggy people pressed up next to me on the subway. But without it, I’d feel so much less alive. It’s both the chaos of the rain and then everyone walking around with their skin out on the first day of spring. It’s all so good.
You were pregnant and then had a young baby and wrote about it so exquisitely (I understood that parenting was not what was exquisite, but then at the same time, it was).
Now I’m about a year and a half behind you (my mostly-exquisite-and-sometimes-not baby is 4 months old) and I love that I have this corner of the internet where a spoiler blog for parenting exists.
Really can’t emphasize enough the heavy hand you had in my decision to become a parent (not the only hand!! but one of maybe 4-5 hands). Thanks to you, I felt like I’ve been able to make a semi-informed decision about everything that parenting holds and I’m so glad I went down this path. Like you, I’d also feel so glad if I had gone down the non-parenting path.
Great essay. So glad these reflections on motherhood are still coming down the pipeline! Thank you for sharing this essay with us ❤️
I love this framing. I'm childfree and I feel the same way - both are better. Ever since I actually decided not to have children (after finally forcing myself off the fence at age 39), I've been able to better appreciate my life and the trade-offs it entails. I truly wish I could experience both, and had to grive the fact that I can't live multiple lives simultaneously.
I appreciate your highlighting of the word "ambivalent" - I think it so often gets reduced to "apathetic" when in fact it is all of the feelings at once, not none of them. From someone who chose the other path: life is full of ambivalence here too, and joy and pain and too-much-ness and not-enough-ness and meaning and drudgery.
I remember being truly despondent when I had to choose where to go to college, because I felt like so much of my life was hinging on that choice and I was afraid to choose the wrong path. A wise adult told me that whatever choice I made would be the right choice for me because I chose it, and also I would still be there making choices along that path and would make the most of it, because I am a person who does that. I thought I internalized the lesson at the time, but spent over a decade ambivalent about whether to have children or not (I wanted to both have and not have; at some point I was hoping to meet a divorced dad with half-custody of a 4-year-old and a healthy co-parenting relationship). I'm still ambivalent but it feels better to have chosen, and to be maximizing the consequences of my choice.
I’m also childfree and this is such a spot-on comment. I appreciate the comparison to choice of where to go to college, because that was a similarly fraught decision for me and also a time when I truly *felt* that my life was changing so drastically from what it was up until then. And part of that because it was an expected path and not something I specifically desired to do and because I didn’t have a strong choice about where I wanted to go to school (or at least the ones I did were astronomically expensive).
To the point of Haley’s post, I’m not sure I would want someone to convince me not to do something I felt in my gut that I wanted to do. Because that’s more about them and not about me.
Her mentioning one grieving session in early pregnancy made me chuckle: I was crying at least 4 days a week in the first trimester 😅 and then the cries became more spread out and intense in the second and third tri. There’s a lot to be missed!! And yet, soo much to look forward to. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I am so grateful you published this! I had a really hard time with parenting until my son turned 14 months. I think it was a combination of the pandemic (no one should parent in such isolation or fear!) and then postpartum depression after weaning.
For the longest time I was convinced I was done after one. Then when my son turned four, I had the opportunity/privilege to travel on four separate excursions and it hit me that I really did get my life back. So of course I hit the reset button, and I’m currently back in the trenches w my 2 month old daughter. It’s so helpful to be able to look at him, talk with him , observe him help in his own ways and see that the relentless early slog of it all will pay off.
Haley, this essay is so so gorgeous in a way that reminds me of reading poetry ❤️ I feel deeply moved. As a 37-yo who’s been reflecting on parenthood and at times still feels ambivalent about it, this essay has felt like receiving a hug from a beloved who you’d trust your deepest and most humbling secrets with. Thank you for everything that you’ve been sharing about pregnancy and parenthood, including all the challenging liminal spaces you’ve inhabited these past three years and beyond. I admire you as a writer, mom, and human being.
This was beautiful ❤️ I love when ppl write about what is relevant to their life at that moment bc it makes writing so much more… honest? Clear? Idk what the word is. Like a direct line into your head which is nice. I think I just wanted to say this in case sometimes you feel like you shouldnt only write about motherhood or whatever. Prob when you were at man repeller nobody was pressuring you to also think about moms or write about things thats relevant to them. So the same should be true now, why pressure someone to try to address every audience out there? Then it just all becomes so bland. just wanted to say that bc in 2026 nothing but honesty! And your words are so beautiful when they are not concerned w trying to appeal to everyone etc etc etc I love all your writing but especially your writing like this essay or the first few you wrote after maternity leave. Maybe im biased bc i also have a two try old but hey! Look at those engagement #s ;)
I had to look up the definition of ambivalence because I realize now I've been conditioned to think this word is inherently negative. But no, mixed! As a mother of one child just a few months into Year 2, I see so many of my moments in your moments. Trying to meet a deadline but interrupted by the duties of being a parent AND partner; not able to find a solid stretch of deep focus, maddening! The loss of time for yourself to be a singular thing in the world! And then as I see my child bloom in front of my eyes way too quickly I can't bear to blink because I know as it's happening it will all be over too soon. The scene you describe on the subway is all too familiar too but I also remember how lonely, unsure, and sad I felt in those moments as a main character, so I decide not to weigh those memories too heavily on what's lost to time. It also makes me think of the scene with claire danes in fleishman is in trouble where she's sitting in the park after disappearing. Wanting the self back that's past. Devastating, so many lives lived that you can't return to. And yet I'm so squarely and unironically, comfortably in the 'wouldnt trade it for the world' camp. Happy new year Haley!
An excellent read for someone who just found out they are pregnant (me). Funny enough I remember distinctly telling my husband over our anniversary in September, that I felt like I was ready for motherhood because I was ready to not be the main character anymore. I’m a little terrified of this but also, as you mention, feel relief at the thought.
This is gorgeous and so accurate. Reminds me of a poem called Culpable by Joy Sullivan that helped me through my ambivalence on whether or not to have a second kid. Here’s a piece:
“I wrote a pep talk recently to myself on a bar napkin: no matter
which road you take, it will be both glorious and unbearable. Every
road is lonely. Every road, holy. The only error is not walking forth.
Yesterday, a friend in California, when giving me directions, told
me I could take the trail toward the tall pines or turn left and find
a field of poppies, growing gold and savage at the edge of the valley.
When I asked which to choose, she simply shrugged and said:
either way, it’s all heaven.”
(Both are better.)
I’m currently in exactly the same spot (re: second child) and this literally made me gasp in resonance. Thank you so much for making this gorgeous poem part of my awareness.
Same here as Alicia wow thank you
What a brilliant essay - you get it just right, the fact that the impossible hardness of it and the sweetness just become reality. I'm sitting here reading it feeding my 6-month-old daughter while my 2-year-old son is in another room dismantling the vacuum cleaner (as far as I can tell?!). I finished writing a novel in the past two years, and people ask how did I do it - but it was my sanity! It was my secret life and my freedom - and it's def clear from your piece that you understand what it's like to need those things, as a new mum!
Haley, I’m always in awe of how accurately (at least to me) you seem to capture motherhood—I regularly send quotes from your essays to my husband, or to friends of mine who are considering having kids, because they often expand on conversations we’ve already been having on a given topic. My daughter also turned two in November, and I so appreciate getting to (para socially) walk along side you on this journey and know I have someone out there who sees so much of what I see. Thank you. ❤️
Absolutely nailed it. I was recently musing with my husband that a life without the “both are better” mundane whiplash of parenting would feel to me like living in a geographic climate that lacks changes in the weather, which I truly cannot imagine. I don’t always want the chaotic rainy winter trek into Manhattan with inside-out umbrellas and grumpy, soggy people pressed up next to me on the subway. But without it, I’d feel so much less alive. It’s both the chaos of the rain and then everyone walking around with their skin out on the first day of spring. It’s all so good.
You were pregnant and then had a young baby and wrote about it so exquisitely (I understood that parenting was not what was exquisite, but then at the same time, it was).
Now I’m about a year and a half behind you (my mostly-exquisite-and-sometimes-not baby is 4 months old) and I love that I have this corner of the internet where a spoiler blog for parenting exists.
Really can’t emphasize enough the heavy hand you had in my decision to become a parent (not the only hand!! but one of maybe 4-5 hands). Thanks to you, I felt like I’ve been able to make a semi-informed decision about everything that parenting holds and I’m so glad I went down this path. Like you, I’d also feel so glad if I had gone down the non-parenting path.
Great essay. So glad these reflections on motherhood are still coming down the pipeline! Thank you for sharing this essay with us ❤️
I love this framing. I'm childfree and I feel the same way - both are better. Ever since I actually decided not to have children (after finally forcing myself off the fence at age 39), I've been able to better appreciate my life and the trade-offs it entails. I truly wish I could experience both, and had to grive the fact that I can't live multiple lives simultaneously.
I appreciate your highlighting of the word "ambivalent" - I think it so often gets reduced to "apathetic" when in fact it is all of the feelings at once, not none of them. From someone who chose the other path: life is full of ambivalence here too, and joy and pain and too-much-ness and not-enough-ness and meaning and drudgery.
I remember being truly despondent when I had to choose where to go to college, because I felt like so much of my life was hinging on that choice and I was afraid to choose the wrong path. A wise adult told me that whatever choice I made would be the right choice for me because I chose it, and also I would still be there making choices along that path and would make the most of it, because I am a person who does that. I thought I internalized the lesson at the time, but spent over a decade ambivalent about whether to have children or not (I wanted to both have and not have; at some point I was hoping to meet a divorced dad with half-custody of a 4-year-old and a healthy co-parenting relationship). I'm still ambivalent but it feels better to have chosen, and to be maximizing the consequences of my choice.
I’m also childfree and this is such a spot-on comment. I appreciate the comparison to choice of where to go to college, because that was a similarly fraught decision for me and also a time when I truly *felt* that my life was changing so drastically from what it was up until then. And part of that because it was an expected path and not something I specifically desired to do and because I didn’t have a strong choice about where I wanted to go to school (or at least the ones I did were astronomically expensive).
To the point of Haley’s post, I’m not sure I would want someone to convince me not to do something I felt in my gut that I wanted to do. Because that’s more about them and not about me.
Gorgeous, and accurate. Thank you, Haley.
Also yes! We all want to sleep with Danny, and ride in his truck (in no particular order).
Reading this 7 months pregnant, grieving the life I’m about to leave behind and so comforted by this beautiful, honest essay!
Her mentioning one grieving session in early pregnancy made me chuckle: I was crying at least 4 days a week in the first trimester 😅 and then the cries became more spread out and intense in the second and third tri. There’s a lot to be missed!! And yet, soo much to look forward to. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I can relate!!
I am so grateful you published this! I had a really hard time with parenting until my son turned 14 months. I think it was a combination of the pandemic (no one should parent in such isolation or fear!) and then postpartum depression after weaning.
For the longest time I was convinced I was done after one. Then when my son turned four, I had the opportunity/privilege to travel on four separate excursions and it hit me that I really did get my life back. So of course I hit the reset button, and I’m currently back in the trenches w my 2 month old daughter. It’s so helpful to be able to look at him, talk with him , observe him help in his own ways and see that the relentless early slog of it all will pay off.
I don’t have kids but I absolutely love your writing - what a beautiful meditation on motherhood and life. Thank you for your writing!!
Haley, this essay is so so gorgeous in a way that reminds me of reading poetry ❤️ I feel deeply moved. As a 37-yo who’s been reflecting on parenthood and at times still feels ambivalent about it, this essay has felt like receiving a hug from a beloved who you’d trust your deepest and most humbling secrets with. Thank you for everything that you’ve been sharing about pregnancy and parenthood, including all the challenging liminal spaces you’ve inhabited these past three years and beyond. I admire you as a writer, mom, and human being.
This was beautiful ❤️ I love when ppl write about what is relevant to their life at that moment bc it makes writing so much more… honest? Clear? Idk what the word is. Like a direct line into your head which is nice. I think I just wanted to say this in case sometimes you feel like you shouldnt only write about motherhood or whatever. Prob when you were at man repeller nobody was pressuring you to also think about moms or write about things thats relevant to them. So the same should be true now, why pressure someone to try to address every audience out there? Then it just all becomes so bland. just wanted to say that bc in 2026 nothing but honesty! And your words are so beautiful when they are not concerned w trying to appeal to everyone etc etc etc I love all your writing but especially your writing like this essay or the first few you wrote after maternity leave. Maybe im biased bc i also have a two try old but hey! Look at those engagement #s ;)
I had to look up the definition of ambivalence because I realize now I've been conditioned to think this word is inherently negative. But no, mixed! As a mother of one child just a few months into Year 2, I see so many of my moments in your moments. Trying to meet a deadline but interrupted by the duties of being a parent AND partner; not able to find a solid stretch of deep focus, maddening! The loss of time for yourself to be a singular thing in the world! And then as I see my child bloom in front of my eyes way too quickly I can't bear to blink because I know as it's happening it will all be over too soon. The scene you describe on the subway is all too familiar too but I also remember how lonely, unsure, and sad I felt in those moments as a main character, so I decide not to weigh those memories too heavily on what's lost to time. It also makes me think of the scene with claire danes in fleishman is in trouble where she's sitting in the park after disappearing. Wanting the self back that's past. Devastating, so many lives lived that you can't return to. And yet I'm so squarely and unironically, comfortably in the 'wouldnt trade it for the world' camp. Happy new year Haley!
Oh. My. God. 🥺🥺I love this ode to year two so much
An excellent read for someone who just found out they are pregnant (me). Funny enough I remember distinctly telling my husband over our anniversary in September, that I felt like I was ready for motherhood because I was ready to not be the main character anymore. I’m a little terrified of this but also, as you mention, feel relief at the thought.
These essays give clarity and words to my ever present jumbled thoughts and feelings on motherhood