I once heard Paul Morris, a retired Australian race car driver say, "Don't take criticism from anyone you wouldn't take advice from." (Or maybe it was "seek advice from".) Whenever I find myself worrying about criticism from random people I remind myself of that quote. Just like advice, not all criticism is equally credible or valuable.
I'm not sure if this will be helpful and I'm oddly self-conscious that it might come off as a humblebrag (it is emphatically not supposed to be!), but your response to the 19 year old already novelist (which I mean, wow!!! if you are reading this 19yo novelist going on undetermined older age?, you are very cool!!!!) made me think about a few things. I'm 28, and I think there was time I felt the kind of creative urgency you describe, benchmarking the ages of other people accomplishing things at young, impressive 30 under 30 ages. But I realized it completely evaporated almost immediately post college, and for better or worse it's because my early 20s were incredibly traumatic. I survived because I had a financially stable and strong support system behind me, and some genuine luck on my side, but I can easily see the alternate paths where things turn out slightly different, where I would not be here right now. It erased my ambition for a long time, but not forever. And therapy taught me to be ambitious in different ways--to aspire to stability as a marker of success, to aspire to greater emotional capacity. To admire my resilience instead of my professional accomplishments. It's actually really nice (?!) and although I wish my younger self had had an easier time, being a late bloomer, being cut off from "progress" in the traditional sense while sort of excavating myself from the proverbial trauma pile makes everything seem so much slower and lighter in the aftermath. I have time! More time than I thought I would have. I don't know if that is helpful, but it helps me when I get into a dark little spot of feeling unaccomplished and uninteresting.
The second unrelated thought is to encourage people who might not align with the 30 under 30 crowd in their personal or professional journeys to seek out other "late bloomers" because they are often some of our greatest thinkers, writers and artists. There are many articles and listicles and Facebook memes about this and it seems kind of corny, but I have found it really helpful! I have always identified as a late bloomer outside the creative context, never figuring out a thing (high school, the right haircut, my personal style, how to own my sexuality, how to make real friends) until well after everyone else, so I like to seek out kindred spirits and look forward to what I might be able to create when I'm 40, 50, 60 etc. So, flipping the comparison from who accomplished things when they were younger/who surpassed me to "what might I create later in life like xyz?" A few faves include Toni Morrison, Charles Mee, and Julia Child. I think it's also a symptom of ageism to not look forward to older creators as models for how we might structure our creative journey. Even if climate change and pandemic related catastrophes prevent long life/stability for our generation, it still helps me to BELIEVE in the gift of time, to look forward to things and think of myself not as expended potential but untapped reserves. I choose to believe there are still flowers in my future! They just have to be dormant for awhile, and for good reason. hehe, not saying anything new but I'm such a sap for this shit! Excellent newsletter as always.
Thank you for this comment! I do think it can be inspiring to look to late bloomers in the creative field, but sometimes I wonder if that's not just putting off the inevitable realization that actually most artistic people won't become famous and renowned (even at 40, 50, 60) and that shouldn't be a reason not to pursue creative work. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes those lists of people who had late success irk me a bit because they are still implying that "success" means commercial success, and they have a undertone of "there's still time to get famous!" when that shouldn't really be the point! That said I do agree it's inspiring to hear about non-linear journeys, I just don't like how some of the articles are framed.
Also your story didn't come off like a humblebrag at all! You should be proud. Thank you for sharing!
Ah, thanks for your reply! And I do know what you mean in respect to the articles, I too find the commercial aspect of them annoying lol--I was just self-conscious of seeming like I was trying to pass this concept off as my own original idea, instead of something that is already well documented in the zeitgeist. For me, it really is about the details of each artist's non-linear journey: Julia Child didn't *start* cooking until she was 36, Chuck Mee wrote some plays, took a 20-year break to support his family and then came back w/ the bangers! Toni Morrison is less relevant here, as the detail of publishing her first novel at 39 is often cherrypicked instead of contexualized appropriately in her broader biography of why that was the case (to your point about the articles being bad ha). I would posit that most people seeking validation of aspirations for the capacity to be creative again one day, or change their career path, or learn a new skill (and maybe even be good at it) after life dumped a big pile of shit on their doorstep are not doing it with fame as a priority (at least, that has been my personal experience). But those articles can be an immediate and readily available source of SEO-boosted comfort when you're up late googling any relevant examples to confirm that it's never too late to start a new creative journey :) Anyway, I agree with you! And really appreciate you taking the time to reply!
This is so comforting! I often feel like people my age are passing me in terms of milestones/ achievements. Although I try not to compare myself to them, it still stresses me out sometimes to see what I could have achieved if I had done things differently/ hadn’t changed my path etc. I‘ll definitely try to surround myself with ”late bloomers“ more and try to get past that idea that getting there first is was counts (especially since ”there“ is so different for different people).
Re: politically different partners. I am also of the leftist strain with a long relationship to politics- my first protest was a Bush era anti deportation march @ age 9 lol- and for years I only dated or dared dream of dating other socialists and leftists. And then I met my current partner- a catholic school raised white miami cuban turned boilerplate unengaged liberal. Someone I said I’d never date until I did. And I learned that there is so much more to a relationship than shared political identities like laughter, and good sex, fun date nights. And being with him did not lessen my own commitment to my politics, if anything it further codified it into my personal ethos. Because it’s a part of who I am, through conversation and arguments and osmosis, his politics have shifted further leftward and become beliefs that are entirely his own. There’s still things we disagree on and, amazingly, I don’t love him less and I’m still an annoying socialist. So be free, unless they’re a Republican. Then y’all both have brain worms.
i don’t usually care for q&as but truly love your dear baby column. thanks for always putting in so much effort and nuance in your replies haley. a joy to read
Firstly, just want to say I love being a subscriber to your work! A few years ago I realized how important it was to pay for the content you love despite the seemingly endless amount of ‘free content’ there is in the world, because the quality is always better than what is offered for free, and supporting talented people is always a great thing.
Anyway, just wanted to say, I really enjoyed this week’s newsletter! Your first response about how to navigate others’ criticisms of you is something I really struggle with. I am not an influencer, I am a photographer and I occasionally get negative comments on my instagram, and I’ve heard of people mocking me in close social circles and it was difficult for me to figure out because I still wanted to share my photos with my audience but wasn’t sure how to push past the negative feelings and the self doubt that came with the experience. Thank you for writing this! It was very insightful, and I love having your perspective even though I do not know you personally. Love what you do!
Thanks so much Rose (for reading and subscribing!). I'm sorry you're dealing with your social circle mocking you, I know that's difficult beyond people can really comprehend. Happy you're not letting it stop you
as soon as i begin to reflect too heavily about what people “think” of my work, my practice is to think of those who’ve expressed gratitude for my writing. and i heard this thing one time that was like, “you have to decide whether you care more about the thing that you’re passionate about or if you care more about what people think of that thing.” and it immediately energizes me to be like, “of course i care more about this thing i’ve set out to do.” i’ll always value the connections someone made with my work, even in the slightest, even if it’s just one person — vulnerability and connection will never not be worth that risk to me. so, when one inevitably gets anxious about criticism... they can just return to those energizing and bigger picture thoughts.
Loved reading your thoughts on being a public figure and criticism, and it reminded me of a conversation I have with friends a lot. I went to "art school" (theater) in college, and while that system certainly has a lot of flaws, if you're lucky it also teaches you how to give and accept criticism. You learn when people are talking just to talk and when someone is actually being thoughtful about your work. Hopefully, most of us also learn how to critique someone's art in specific ways rather than generally saying that we didn't like it. And of course we still shit talk each other outside of class. Still, I'm thankful for the practice and honestly think more people would benefit from it.
Thank you for this beautiful writing. It fills my curiosity void, and I'm also expanding my vocabulary, which is pretty damn fun and enlightening to do at 34 yrs of age.
Just wanted to say thank you for your insightful and thoughtful responses to this week’s questions. Your newsletter is always a refreshing and measured take on the complexities of modern life and our current moment and I so appreciate it. Thank you for the Sunday treat.
Why god why are our brains wired in such an extent that the negative feedback we receive is so damn sticky, whereas all the positives quickly fall by the wayside? I can relate to the conundrum you face as a public writer.
It was informative to learn about what types of content people clicked on at Man Repeller—would've thought that the "think pieces" would garner more views/clicks. Unsure if you listened to The Daily episode ft. an interview with Jack Dorsey (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/07/podcasts/the-daily/Jack-dorsey-twitter-trump.html). In it, there's discussion about how emotional and binary tweets get the most engagement/eyeballs, and what can be done to counter that behavior.
Which goes back to my original point about the stickiness factor of negative tweets, feedback, etc. We gloss over the positives and careen right over to the dark side. There's an evolutionary function to this, I'm sure. Get the bad news first so you can prepare for the unknown.
At the same time, maybe now is the time where we actively seek out what's going well with the world, and how we can build off that. There's a methodology used in executive coaching called appreciative inquiry that comes to mind: what are we doing well, and how can we make things even better? It's different that toxic positivity, to which we have a great exemplar in our Great Leader, in that we recognize that things can be done better vs. "Let's create a list of everything that's going wrong in this organization."
This was a long winding tangent of a comment, but thank you for your insightful writing—it often leaves me pondering how to examine the world through a different lens. Today, I'm left thinking about how to utilize sensationalist headlines to garner views and have content that showcases nuanced thinking.
"Why god why are our brains wired in such an extent that the negative feedback we receive is so damn sticky, whereas all the positives quickly fall by the wayside?" ---- yeeeeeees. Why is this so true and how do we change it?
Just wanted to say I really responded to this sentence on your topic of shit-talking, especially in workplaces, "critique" of our personal work, and how it can alter our own vision of ourselves: "I’m too receptive, too ready to absorb, too willing to consider whether someone who simply sees things differently or wants to hurt me actually knows the truth about me, and that I in turn am blind to myself, or have been wrong all along".
I'm in a workplace where I became an almost immediate target of shit-talking from my coworkers (we're a small team of 6), and I think as the new person in a fairly toxic environment I became the topic for this shit-talk as a way for them to bond over something in response to the intense stress of the day to day. I of course overheard and continue to overhear everything (ever enter a zoom meeting and suddenly everyone goes quiet? oh yeah.), and for the longest time saw it as a reflection of my worth and truth (that I didn't deserve the job, that I'm lazy, untalented, slow to learn, etc) which is crazy sad! I know deep down that I work hard and worked hard to get the job, and that my co-workers unwillingness to help me when I struggled with something new was just them trying to keep up with the "truth" they made up about me and have something to bond over.
I think it takes a lot of continuous internal work to not let that poison take over when you overhear or read a comment that's meant to cut deep, and I know it's probably a strange thing to be glad to be bonding over with someone... but it's nice to know I (and likely others) are not alone in this feeling of being on the other side, and that working to overcome the "brain poison" is a continuous effort. Thank you Haley, your newsletter meant a lot this morning
Kathy, your situation sounds so hard. I wish I could give you a hug! I'm so sorry you're going through that, but am impressed by your sober reading of the situation, and I'm sure you're right that it's about them and not you. It's just so hard to remember. It feels somehow inhuman. Anyway thanks so much for reading and sharing this
Gossip fascinates me and I’d love to read more from Haley about it.
Kathy — your situation indirectly made me think of a friend of mine, who is a classic shit talker. She has a very abrasive personality and energy that makes a hyper-anxious person like me want to run for the hills. I think a lot of people are turned off by her and she knows it, so she turns to gossip as a means of garnering social power.
By essentially being a keeper of information—and by expounding opinions about that information—the shit-talker is in a privileged position of power that gives them value in a group. Whether you’re miserable or unlikable or have low self-worth, that power feels *good.* But it’s temporal—in order to maintain that power, the shit-talker(s) has to find more gossip and more reason to continue talking shit, thus maintaining that power.
Jessica, I feel like you just described my workplace haha. There is someone who is just as you described as kind of the "group leader", and everyone flocks to her because she is that keeper of information/always has some new gossip to share, despite her not being well liked because of her personality throughout the workplace. It is a bizarre look at the basic human instinct to want to fit in and the perceived power that people gravitate towards to not be "othered". I do wonder if this shows up in other workplaces...I'm in the arts and my industry is majority women, so I'm worried this isn't a one-time phenomena unique to the place.
Ugh. Yes I've definitely experienced this in my workplace before. The worst part is that the more you try to keep on good terms with someone like that, the worse it gets, because they feed off of that energy. Hard to learn how to ignore it, but it's the only way to cut off that energy supply.
It feels very capitalist to suggest Malcolm Gladwell to someone in the year 2020 (I have previously joked that his books read like self-help for people who follow the stock market), but your answer to Question 3 reminds me of a piece he wrote for The New Yorker in 2008 (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/10/20/late-bloomers-malcolm-gladwell) that was somewhat useful to me in processing my own fears about aging out of my supposed "creative prime."
Re: the question about nuance in online writing — what does “nuance” mean today, in 2020? What are we saying when we call for more of it—more meaning, more analysis, more cultural value? It’s such a vague word that we toss around to limply represent the notion of...complexity? I find myself getting irked by it the same way I do when someone describes a cultural text or an object as “interesting.” Interesting! Okay.
Hahaha as a major offender of using the word "interesting," my take on the need for more nuance is essentially that many topics ask us to hold two truths in our head at once, even if they tell a story that's more complicated and less rooted in good vs evil than our ids might desire. The call to embrace nuance is a call to pull apart assumptions and make sure we are drawing conclusions on notions that are adequately considered and given space to be complicated. I think it's also about examining not just the impact of something, which may be easy to judge as right or wrong, but the intentions behind it, and what forces are shaping those intentions that need to be addressed. Essentially it's about not oversimplifying things for the sake of easy-to-click incendiary conclusions that drive people apart.
I once heard Paul Morris, a retired Australian race car driver say, "Don't take criticism from anyone you wouldn't take advice from." (Or maybe it was "seek advice from".) Whenever I find myself worrying about criticism from random people I remind myself of that quote. Just like advice, not all criticism is equally credible or valuable.
This is so smart I need to remember this!
Very true, and ironically (or not, I guess) the people I would take advice from almost never criticize in a painful way.
I'm not sure if this will be helpful and I'm oddly self-conscious that it might come off as a humblebrag (it is emphatically not supposed to be!), but your response to the 19 year old already novelist (which I mean, wow!!! if you are reading this 19yo novelist going on undetermined older age?, you are very cool!!!!) made me think about a few things. I'm 28, and I think there was time I felt the kind of creative urgency you describe, benchmarking the ages of other people accomplishing things at young, impressive 30 under 30 ages. But I realized it completely evaporated almost immediately post college, and for better or worse it's because my early 20s were incredibly traumatic. I survived because I had a financially stable and strong support system behind me, and some genuine luck on my side, but I can easily see the alternate paths where things turn out slightly different, where I would not be here right now. It erased my ambition for a long time, but not forever. And therapy taught me to be ambitious in different ways--to aspire to stability as a marker of success, to aspire to greater emotional capacity. To admire my resilience instead of my professional accomplishments. It's actually really nice (?!) and although I wish my younger self had had an easier time, being a late bloomer, being cut off from "progress" in the traditional sense while sort of excavating myself from the proverbial trauma pile makes everything seem so much slower and lighter in the aftermath. I have time! More time than I thought I would have. I don't know if that is helpful, but it helps me when I get into a dark little spot of feeling unaccomplished and uninteresting.
The second unrelated thought is to encourage people who might not align with the 30 under 30 crowd in their personal or professional journeys to seek out other "late bloomers" because they are often some of our greatest thinkers, writers and artists. There are many articles and listicles and Facebook memes about this and it seems kind of corny, but I have found it really helpful! I have always identified as a late bloomer outside the creative context, never figuring out a thing (high school, the right haircut, my personal style, how to own my sexuality, how to make real friends) until well after everyone else, so I like to seek out kindred spirits and look forward to what I might be able to create when I'm 40, 50, 60 etc. So, flipping the comparison from who accomplished things when they were younger/who surpassed me to "what might I create later in life like xyz?" A few faves include Toni Morrison, Charles Mee, and Julia Child. I think it's also a symptom of ageism to not look forward to older creators as models for how we might structure our creative journey. Even if climate change and pandemic related catastrophes prevent long life/stability for our generation, it still helps me to BELIEVE in the gift of time, to look forward to things and think of myself not as expended potential but untapped reserves. I choose to believe there are still flowers in my future! They just have to be dormant for awhile, and for good reason. hehe, not saying anything new but I'm such a sap for this shit! Excellent newsletter as always.
Thank you for this comment! I do think it can be inspiring to look to late bloomers in the creative field, but sometimes I wonder if that's not just putting off the inevitable realization that actually most artistic people won't become famous and renowned (even at 40, 50, 60) and that shouldn't be a reason not to pursue creative work. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes those lists of people who had late success irk me a bit because they are still implying that "success" means commercial success, and they have a undertone of "there's still time to get famous!" when that shouldn't really be the point! That said I do agree it's inspiring to hear about non-linear journeys, I just don't like how some of the articles are framed.
Also your story didn't come off like a humblebrag at all! You should be proud. Thank you for sharing!
Ah, thanks for your reply! And I do know what you mean in respect to the articles, I too find the commercial aspect of them annoying lol--I was just self-conscious of seeming like I was trying to pass this concept off as my own original idea, instead of something that is already well documented in the zeitgeist. For me, it really is about the details of each artist's non-linear journey: Julia Child didn't *start* cooking until she was 36, Chuck Mee wrote some plays, took a 20-year break to support his family and then came back w/ the bangers! Toni Morrison is less relevant here, as the detail of publishing her first novel at 39 is often cherrypicked instead of contexualized appropriately in her broader biography of why that was the case (to your point about the articles being bad ha). I would posit that most people seeking validation of aspirations for the capacity to be creative again one day, or change their career path, or learn a new skill (and maybe even be good at it) after life dumped a big pile of shit on their doorstep are not doing it with fame as a priority (at least, that has been my personal experience). But those articles can be an immediate and readily available source of SEO-boosted comfort when you're up late googling any relevant examples to confirm that it's never too late to start a new creative journey :) Anyway, I agree with you! And really appreciate you taking the time to reply!
Yes yes same page!!
This is so comforting! I often feel like people my age are passing me in terms of milestones/ achievements. Although I try not to compare myself to them, it still stresses me out sometimes to see what I could have achieved if I had done things differently/ hadn’t changed my path etc. I‘ll definitely try to surround myself with ”late bloomers“ more and try to get past that idea that getting there first is was counts (especially since ”there“ is so different for different people).
Oh, this makes me so happy! I'm glad my long rambly comment had the intended effect for someone!
Hello from a fellow late bloomer :)
Ah! Hello :)))
Re: politically different partners. I am also of the leftist strain with a long relationship to politics- my first protest was a Bush era anti deportation march @ age 9 lol- and for years I only dated or dared dream of dating other socialists and leftists. And then I met my current partner- a catholic school raised white miami cuban turned boilerplate unengaged liberal. Someone I said I’d never date until I did. And I learned that there is so much more to a relationship than shared political identities like laughter, and good sex, fun date nights. And being with him did not lessen my own commitment to my politics, if anything it further codified it into my personal ethos. Because it’s a part of who I am, through conversation and arguments and osmosis, his politics have shifted further leftward and become beliefs that are entirely his own. There’s still things we disagree on and, amazingly, I don’t love him less and I’m still an annoying socialist. So be free, unless they’re a Republican. Then y’all both have brain worms.
i don’t usually care for q&as but truly love your dear baby column. thanks for always putting in so much effort and nuance in your replies haley. a joy to read
Firstly, just want to say I love being a subscriber to your work! A few years ago I realized how important it was to pay for the content you love despite the seemingly endless amount of ‘free content’ there is in the world, because the quality is always better than what is offered for free, and supporting talented people is always a great thing.
Anyway, just wanted to say, I really enjoyed this week’s newsletter! Your first response about how to navigate others’ criticisms of you is something I really struggle with. I am not an influencer, I am a photographer and I occasionally get negative comments on my instagram, and I’ve heard of people mocking me in close social circles and it was difficult for me to figure out because I still wanted to share my photos with my audience but wasn’t sure how to push past the negative feelings and the self doubt that came with the experience. Thank you for writing this! It was very insightful, and I love having your perspective even though I do not know you personally. Love what you do!
Thanks so much Rose (for reading and subscribing!). I'm sorry you're dealing with your social circle mocking you, I know that's difficult beyond people can really comprehend. Happy you're not letting it stop you
as soon as i begin to reflect too heavily about what people “think” of my work, my practice is to think of those who’ve expressed gratitude for my writing. and i heard this thing one time that was like, “you have to decide whether you care more about the thing that you’re passionate about or if you care more about what people think of that thing.” and it immediately energizes me to be like, “of course i care more about this thing i’ve set out to do.” i’ll always value the connections someone made with my work, even in the slightest, even if it’s just one person — vulnerability and connection will never not be worth that risk to me. so, when one inevitably gets anxious about criticism... they can just return to those energizing and bigger picture thoughts.
well put!
Loved reading your thoughts on being a public figure and criticism, and it reminded me of a conversation I have with friends a lot. I went to "art school" (theater) in college, and while that system certainly has a lot of flaws, if you're lucky it also teaches you how to give and accept criticism. You learn when people are talking just to talk and when someone is actually being thoughtful about your work. Hopefully, most of us also learn how to critique someone's art in specific ways rather than generally saying that we didn't like it. And of course we still shit talk each other outside of class. Still, I'm thankful for the practice and honestly think more people would benefit from it.
Thank you for this beautiful writing. It fills my curiosity void, and I'm also expanding my vocabulary, which is pretty damn fun and enlightening to do at 34 yrs of age.
Which word! I'm curious (as someone who constantly looks up words while reading)
Platitudinous! What a great word. There is at least one word every week I break out the ole thesaurus to check out. Love it.
oh yes!! such a good one
Hi Haley!
Just wanted to say thank you for your insightful and thoughtful responses to this week’s questions. Your newsletter is always a refreshing and measured take on the complexities of modern life and our current moment and I so appreciate it. Thank you for the Sunday treat.
Thank you so much Margaret
Why god why are our brains wired in such an extent that the negative feedback we receive is so damn sticky, whereas all the positives quickly fall by the wayside? I can relate to the conundrum you face as a public writer.
It was informative to learn about what types of content people clicked on at Man Repeller—would've thought that the "think pieces" would garner more views/clicks. Unsure if you listened to The Daily episode ft. an interview with Jack Dorsey (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/07/podcasts/the-daily/Jack-dorsey-twitter-trump.html). In it, there's discussion about how emotional and binary tweets get the most engagement/eyeballs, and what can be done to counter that behavior.
Which goes back to my original point about the stickiness factor of negative tweets, feedback, etc. We gloss over the positives and careen right over to the dark side. There's an evolutionary function to this, I'm sure. Get the bad news first so you can prepare for the unknown.
At the same time, maybe now is the time where we actively seek out what's going well with the world, and how we can build off that. There's a methodology used in executive coaching called appreciative inquiry that comes to mind: what are we doing well, and how can we make things even better? It's different that toxic positivity, to which we have a great exemplar in our Great Leader, in that we recognize that things can be done better vs. "Let's create a list of everything that's going wrong in this organization."
This was a long winding tangent of a comment, but thank you for your insightful writing—it often leaves me pondering how to examine the world through a different lens. Today, I'm left thinking about how to utilize sensationalist headlines to garner views and have content that showcases nuanced thinking.
"Why god why are our brains wired in such an extent that the negative feedback we receive is so damn sticky, whereas all the positives quickly fall by the wayside?" ---- yeeeeeees. Why is this so true and how do we change it?
Just wanted to say I really responded to this sentence on your topic of shit-talking, especially in workplaces, "critique" of our personal work, and how it can alter our own vision of ourselves: "I’m too receptive, too ready to absorb, too willing to consider whether someone who simply sees things differently or wants to hurt me actually knows the truth about me, and that I in turn am blind to myself, or have been wrong all along".
I'm in a workplace where I became an almost immediate target of shit-talking from my coworkers (we're a small team of 6), and I think as the new person in a fairly toxic environment I became the topic for this shit-talk as a way for them to bond over something in response to the intense stress of the day to day. I of course overheard and continue to overhear everything (ever enter a zoom meeting and suddenly everyone goes quiet? oh yeah.), and for the longest time saw it as a reflection of my worth and truth (that I didn't deserve the job, that I'm lazy, untalented, slow to learn, etc) which is crazy sad! I know deep down that I work hard and worked hard to get the job, and that my co-workers unwillingness to help me when I struggled with something new was just them trying to keep up with the "truth" they made up about me and have something to bond over.
I think it takes a lot of continuous internal work to not let that poison take over when you overhear or read a comment that's meant to cut deep, and I know it's probably a strange thing to be glad to be bonding over with someone... but it's nice to know I (and likely others) are not alone in this feeling of being on the other side, and that working to overcome the "brain poison" is a continuous effort. Thank you Haley, your newsletter meant a lot this morning
Kathy, your situation sounds so hard. I wish I could give you a hug! I'm so sorry you're going through that, but am impressed by your sober reading of the situation, and I'm sure you're right that it's about them and not you. It's just so hard to remember. It feels somehow inhuman. Anyway thanks so much for reading and sharing this
Gossip fascinates me and I’d love to read more from Haley about it.
Kathy — your situation indirectly made me think of a friend of mine, who is a classic shit talker. She has a very abrasive personality and energy that makes a hyper-anxious person like me want to run for the hills. I think a lot of people are turned off by her and she knows it, so she turns to gossip as a means of garnering social power.
By essentially being a keeper of information—and by expounding opinions about that information—the shit-talker is in a privileged position of power that gives them value in a group. Whether you’re miserable or unlikable or have low self-worth, that power feels *good.* But it’s temporal—in order to maintain that power, the shit-talker(s) has to find more gossip and more reason to continue talking shit, thus maintaining that power.
Jessica, I feel like you just described my workplace haha. There is someone who is just as you described as kind of the "group leader", and everyone flocks to her because she is that keeper of information/always has some new gossip to share, despite her not being well liked because of her personality throughout the workplace. It is a bizarre look at the basic human instinct to want to fit in and the perceived power that people gravitate towards to not be "othered". I do wonder if this shows up in other workplaces...I'm in the arts and my industry is majority women, so I'm worried this isn't a one-time phenomena unique to the place.
Ugh. Yes I've definitely experienced this in my workplace before. The worst part is that the more you try to keep on good terms with someone like that, the worse it gets, because they feed off of that energy. Hard to learn how to ignore it, but it's the only way to cut off that energy supply.
Hi Haley, this popped up in an email blast from Net today and I just wanted to share and maybe suggest a topic one day for a paragraph in your email? ugh....https://www.net-a-porter.com/en-us/shop/product/gucci/embroidered-poplin-trimmed-shirred-floral-print-cotton-mini-dress/1284914?cm_mmc=EmailWhatsNew-_-WNMondayTemplateThree261020-_-amCustomerEN-_-Product
It feels very capitalist to suggest Malcolm Gladwell to someone in the year 2020 (I have previously joked that his books read like self-help for people who follow the stock market), but your answer to Question 3 reminds me of a piece he wrote for The New Yorker in 2008 (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/10/20/late-bloomers-malcolm-gladwell) that was somewhat useful to me in processing my own fears about aging out of my supposed "creative prime."
Haley, where can we submit Qs for column?
for...the...column. Hi.
Hi! You can submit here: https://forms.gle/ef5xtVo24G7RGGfXA (for future reference I also link it at the bottom of all my newsletters)
Re: the question about nuance in online writing — what does “nuance” mean today, in 2020? What are we saying when we call for more of it—more meaning, more analysis, more cultural value? It’s such a vague word that we toss around to limply represent the notion of...complexity? I find myself getting irked by it the same way I do when someone describes a cultural text or an object as “interesting.” Interesting! Okay.
Hahaha as a major offender of using the word "interesting," my take on the need for more nuance is essentially that many topics ask us to hold two truths in our head at once, even if they tell a story that's more complicated and less rooted in good vs evil than our ids might desire. The call to embrace nuance is a call to pull apart assumptions and make sure we are drawing conclusions on notions that are adequately considered and given space to be complicated. I think it's also about examining not just the impact of something, which may be easy to judge as right or wrong, but the intentions behind it, and what forces are shaping those intentions that need to be addressed. Essentially it's about not oversimplifying things for the sake of easy-to-click incendiary conclusions that drive people apart.