Some people have been saying I seem depressed, and I would like to clarify that I am okay! Or rather, the normal amount of depressed given the myriad catastrophes gripping humanity and the fact that I’ve spent 95% of this year in my one-bedroom apartment. I am safe and lucky and have been really getting into a Nintendo Switch game called Bomb Chicken. I’ve even been seeing some friends! And most importantly am approaching moral neutrality vis-a-vis wearing pajamas all day. In sum I’m doing just fine, and thank you for caring.
Hello, just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts each week in a poetic and thoughtful way that blows me away every time. I appreciate your art lots and always look forward to refreshing my email on Sundays:) I'm relatively new to your work and was wondering how you got into writing in general? Thanks again for everything, I hope your week is filled with rest and small good surprises.
I think you might enjoy the book Any Ordinary Day by Leigh Sales: "...sent her looking for answers about how vulnerable each of us is to a life-changing event. What are our chances of actually experiencing one? What do we fear most and why? And when the worst does happen, what comes next?"
It really speaks to some of the points you made in the intrusive thoughts writing, plus stuff you've written about in the past because I'd thought of this book when reading a previous Maybe Baby.
Like your ex, I too have a recurring dream that I have killed someone. It is truly distressing and the relief I feel upon waking up and realizing that I am not a murderer is palpable. I hate those dreams so much and they really fuck with my state of mind for the entire day.
I am 100% only ever a #1 in the egg carton question. But my partner is somewhere between a #3 and #4, which distresses me a great deal!
Hi Haley! I wanted to commiserate about the intrusive thoughts. I have them exactly like this! I’m the girl with the orange Persian cat who once sent you a pic of him being held by my bearded partner - so to be more precise I’ve had the *exact* set of thoughts you described - I’ve had to fly with him a couple times and it’s my most popular nightmare: Wallace being difficult to keep in his carrier and escaping. Cat related tragedy in general.
Through my own work on anxiety I’ve discovered that although fear is the predominant feeling these thoughts are based around, it is in fact *control* that is the core of it all. It’s always things going out of control leading to death and destruction. One of my biggest fears, to the point that I could hardly enjoy Shaun of the Dead, is a chaotic apocalypse. Looking into the relationship between control and anxiety might be interesting to you, especially because of the current political climate. While we can do our part and vote, it’s very difficult to have more tangible control over what’s going on beyond our ballots and whatever activism we can manage and I find that very difficult to cope with!
Sending you and bug a virtual hug! He looks gorgeous in his new cut, as always.
Hi! Thanks for this week's newsletter which was, as always, much-needed and eminently relevant. I was particularly struck by your brief thoughts on the British pop star who said "you never think this will happen to you" re: his brain tumor. Like you and, I suspect, many of your readers, I'm a lifelong worrier and definitely someone who tends to default to worst-case scenarios. And yet this year I've been reminded again and again that you can think about a bad situation all the time and still be shocked when it happens to you, and in some ways the emotional leap between expectation and reality is the worst part. I'm thinking in particular of the fact that a few months ago, my mother and I had a long conversation about how often we think about her getting cancer on the night before a routine mammogram, and still, when they found a lump the following day, she said, "I never thought this would happen to me." I'd never really thought it would happen either. More generally, I wonder if part of the sadness and fatigue so many people are feeling right now stems from dealing with that gap between imagining something bad and actually having to deal with it. It's exhausting! Of the pop star you wrote, "I’ve wondered if he was just saying that because it’s what people say, or if he really never thought about a doctor delivering him the worst possible news, which I think about often." But I bet that he, like most of us, thinks about bad things happening and still never really thinks they'll happen, and still feels stunned when they do. I'd love to hear you say more about that space in the middle.
Haley, I’m often shocked and pleasantly surprised with how two people on different sides of the country can be pondering such similar themes week over week. Today’s mention of intrusive thoughts reminds me of of a book I finished this week “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. He’s worked for decades with trauma victims, ranging from veterans with war PTSD to those with a past of childhood abuse - his healing-orientation, as well as his argument for greater study and application of certain empirically backed techniques (which have been discarded by the community over time in favor of some pharmaceutical treatments proven less effective but more commercially profitable) is interesting, kind, and enlightening. The entire book quenched a very similar thirst as reading an Oliver Sacks book, and i know you've reference Sacks before, so i hope you can find as much joy in this book as i did.
As a child I used to imagine my parents death when they stayed out late. In that fantasy though, after the initial required grief, I ended up being a hero because I became head of the household and took care of my siblings. Also recently I read an article about how a loss of their young child made a family actually stronger - brought them a lot of surprising gifts. Loss always does: that is the basic truth denied by capitalism - that loss is actually favorable to gain. It gives us so much more meaning.
I’d love to hear more about your thoughts of MR’s sudden and abrupt demise. I was at Hotel ManRepeller in 2018 and it seemed like an apex had been achieved, togetherness under the shared love of beauty and wearable art. What ripped this fabulous collective into shreds?
Hi Haley! I just wanted to say thank you. You always write about things at the right time. I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts lately, and this made me feel less alone. Much love.
While living in my previous apartment, I used to think about what it would be like if the balcony just plummeted down to the ground, for no reason. I still think those kind of scenarios are better than the ones I make up now (too close to reality).
Also, thank you for the ask-a-fuck-up link! And for the newsletter, as always, :)
I also second Chelsea's recommendation for van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score. I had chronic pain all over for about a year that doctors thought could be early rheumatoid arthritis or heart disease, or called it "giddiness" in the follow-up from an awful ER visit. It was from being in a state of constant anxiety for years (that amygdala overdrive that's supposed to be temporary) that caused my muscles to tense up so much that it caused intense, random pain all the time. I'm doing just fine now too, but not having a name for it, or not believing anxiety could do that, made me extremely afraid of my body. Physical and CBT therapy helped me out of it, as well as reading van der Kolk and Oliver Sacks (Migraine).
Your writing is always useful to me in this way and more. Tyssssm. <3
How very fitting that this week opened with a discussion of intrusive thoughts. I've been having a lot of them lately, all related to cooking and intentionally burning myself. Just yesterday, I imagined dipping my hand in a pot of boiling water when I reached over it to turn off the heat. Whenever I have to take something out of the oven, the same loop starts in my mind: "don't forget to wear oven mitts, imagine how gruesome it would be to remove that pan from the oven without them! Imagine it! Just imagine the pain! Go on, do it!"
I know enough about psychology (like half of millenials worldwide it sometimes feel, I was a psych major) to know that I don't actually want to do it, but it's fascinating that these sorts of thoughts have been happening a lot more during the pandemic. Perhaps it is my mind's attempts at breaking through the very dull routine that my life has been narrowed down to. Perhaps it is my way unconscious way of seeking thrills within the confines of my one bedroom apartment. Perhaps it is a materialization of my anxiety.
Who knows! Now I've got to go ignore the thought of pouring the content of my whistling kettle down my body like I'm in Flashdance.
How is it that I watched Alien, Aliens and Alien 3 within the last two weeks and then I get this newsletter where you reference the movies hahah love it
Hello, just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts each week in a poetic and thoughtful way that blows me away every time. I appreciate your art lots and always look forward to refreshing my email on Sundays:) I'm relatively new to your work and was wondering how you got into writing in general? Thanks again for everything, I hope your week is filled with rest and small good surprises.
I cut the egg carton in half. A routine I look forward to.
I think you might enjoy the book Any Ordinary Day by Leigh Sales: "...sent her looking for answers about how vulnerable each of us is to a life-changing event. What are our chances of actually experiencing one? What do we fear most and why? And when the worst does happen, what comes next?"
It really speaks to some of the points you made in the intrusive thoughts writing, plus stuff you've written about in the past because I'd thought of this book when reading a previous Maybe Baby.
Like your ex, I too have a recurring dream that I have killed someone. It is truly distressing and the relief I feel upon waking up and realizing that I am not a murderer is palpable. I hate those dreams so much and they really fuck with my state of mind for the entire day.
I am 100% only ever a #1 in the egg carton question. But my partner is somewhere between a #3 and #4, which distresses me a great deal!
Enjoyed your newsletter this week as always!
Hi Haley! I wanted to commiserate about the intrusive thoughts. I have them exactly like this! I’m the girl with the orange Persian cat who once sent you a pic of him being held by my bearded partner - so to be more precise I’ve had the *exact* set of thoughts you described - I’ve had to fly with him a couple times and it’s my most popular nightmare: Wallace being difficult to keep in his carrier and escaping. Cat related tragedy in general.
Through my own work on anxiety I’ve discovered that although fear is the predominant feeling these thoughts are based around, it is in fact *control* that is the core of it all. It’s always things going out of control leading to death and destruction. One of my biggest fears, to the point that I could hardly enjoy Shaun of the Dead, is a chaotic apocalypse. Looking into the relationship between control and anxiety might be interesting to you, especially because of the current political climate. While we can do our part and vote, it’s very difficult to have more tangible control over what’s going on beyond our ballots and whatever activism we can manage and I find that very difficult to cope with!
Sending you and bug a virtual hug! He looks gorgeous in his new cut, as always.
Hi! Thanks for this week's newsletter which was, as always, much-needed and eminently relevant. I was particularly struck by your brief thoughts on the British pop star who said "you never think this will happen to you" re: his brain tumor. Like you and, I suspect, many of your readers, I'm a lifelong worrier and definitely someone who tends to default to worst-case scenarios. And yet this year I've been reminded again and again that you can think about a bad situation all the time and still be shocked when it happens to you, and in some ways the emotional leap between expectation and reality is the worst part. I'm thinking in particular of the fact that a few months ago, my mother and I had a long conversation about how often we think about her getting cancer on the night before a routine mammogram, and still, when they found a lump the following day, she said, "I never thought this would happen to me." I'd never really thought it would happen either. More generally, I wonder if part of the sadness and fatigue so many people are feeling right now stems from dealing with that gap between imagining something bad and actually having to deal with it. It's exhausting! Of the pop star you wrote, "I’ve wondered if he was just saying that because it’s what people say, or if he really never thought about a doctor delivering him the worst possible news, which I think about often." But I bet that he, like most of us, thinks about bad things happening and still never really thinks they'll happen, and still feels stunned when they do. I'd love to hear you say more about that space in the middle.
Haley, I’m often shocked and pleasantly surprised with how two people on different sides of the country can be pondering such similar themes week over week. Today’s mention of intrusive thoughts reminds me of of a book I finished this week “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. He’s worked for decades with trauma victims, ranging from veterans with war PTSD to those with a past of childhood abuse - his healing-orientation, as well as his argument for greater study and application of certain empirically backed techniques (which have been discarded by the community over time in favor of some pharmaceutical treatments proven less effective but more commercially profitable) is interesting, kind, and enlightening. The entire book quenched a very similar thirst as reading an Oliver Sacks book, and i know you've reference Sacks before, so i hope you can find as much joy in this book as i did.
As a child I used to imagine my parents death when they stayed out late. In that fantasy though, after the initial required grief, I ended up being a hero because I became head of the household and took care of my siblings. Also recently I read an article about how a loss of their young child made a family actually stronger - brought them a lot of surprising gifts. Loss always does: that is the basic truth denied by capitalism - that loss is actually favorable to gain. It gives us so much more meaning.
I’d love to hear more about your thoughts of MR’s sudden and abrupt demise. I was at Hotel ManRepeller in 2018 and it seemed like an apex had been achieved, togetherness under the shared love of beauty and wearable art. What ripped this fabulous collective into shreds?
Hi Haley! I just wanted to say thank you. You always write about things at the right time. I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts lately, and this made me feel less alone. Much love.
While living in my previous apartment, I used to think about what it would be like if the balcony just plummeted down to the ground, for no reason. I still think those kind of scenarios are better than the ones I make up now (too close to reality).
Also, thank you for the ask-a-fuck-up link! And for the newsletter, as always, :)
I also second Chelsea's recommendation for van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score. I had chronic pain all over for about a year that doctors thought could be early rheumatoid arthritis or heart disease, or called it "giddiness" in the follow-up from an awful ER visit. It was from being in a state of constant anxiety for years (that amygdala overdrive that's supposed to be temporary) that caused my muscles to tense up so much that it caused intense, random pain all the time. I'm doing just fine now too, but not having a name for it, or not believing anxiety could do that, made me extremely afraid of my body. Physical and CBT therapy helped me out of it, as well as reading van der Kolk and Oliver Sacks (Migraine).
Your writing is always useful to me in this way and more. Tyssssm. <3
I had never thought about my egg personality type before getting this email, but now I'm already experimenting with carton layout.
How very fitting that this week opened with a discussion of intrusive thoughts. I've been having a lot of them lately, all related to cooking and intentionally burning myself. Just yesterday, I imagined dipping my hand in a pot of boiling water when I reached over it to turn off the heat. Whenever I have to take something out of the oven, the same loop starts in my mind: "don't forget to wear oven mitts, imagine how gruesome it would be to remove that pan from the oven without them! Imagine it! Just imagine the pain! Go on, do it!"
I know enough about psychology (like half of millenials worldwide it sometimes feel, I was a psych major) to know that I don't actually want to do it, but it's fascinating that these sorts of thoughts have been happening a lot more during the pandemic. Perhaps it is my mind's attempts at breaking through the very dull routine that my life has been narrowed down to. Perhaps it is my way unconscious way of seeking thrills within the confines of my one bedroom apartment. Perhaps it is a materialization of my anxiety.
Who knows! Now I've got to go ignore the thought of pouring the content of my whistling kettle down my body like I'm in Flashdance.
How is it that I watched Alien, Aliens and Alien 3 within the last two weeks and then I get this newsletter where you reference the movies hahah love it
Sometimes it's comforting to know that I am not going thru heightened anxiety alone :) Thanks for this!
Sometimes I think we’re the same person. Thanks for your introspective and analytical writing. It always makes me feel more seen.