A few weeks ago, I asked my Instagram followers for movie suggestions in the calming, ASMR-inducing vein of Phantom Thread and Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Almost immediately, several people recommended Columbus, a 2017 drama about architecture; the directorial debut of beloved South-Korean-American filmmaker Kogonada. I was sold on the Google Image search results alone:
OMG I do the same every time... it's like the "part two" of the newsletter for me... Also, don't know if your name is actually Serene, but mine is! :) hi!
"This is my small gripe with the plot of Columbus, or perhaps with the way modern dramas are often written: They rarely account for the fact that many people’s thoughts and behaviors today are heavily influenced by what they’ve seen in the movies."
He writes: "THE REALITY OF reality television is that it is the one place that, first, shows our fellow citizens to us and, then, shows that they have been changed by television. This reality is the unacknowledged truth that drama cannot, and will not, show you. A problem of dramatic television, separate from what the corrupt characters say and do, is that it shows people who live as if they were not being shaped by television. On this point it profoundly fails to capture our reality. "
I read the Grief essay like 100 years ago but I think about this point all the time!
Wow I love this!! Can't wait to read the whole piece. I've been meaning to finish Mark Grief's "Against Everything" (one of my favorite book covers) because the first few essays were so good
Main character syndrome reminds me of when my friends and I were teenagers and we all smoked and we used to take it in turns at a party to go outside alone with an iPod and earphones and smoke for one song and we called it an “O.C. Moment” because it felt like an emotional character montage from the TV show lol.
i generally love Tiktok very earnestly* for many reasons, one of them which are the comments are so smart. And the humor can be so...brain-twisty wtf yet "HOW DID YOU JUST ACT OUT MY SUBCONSCIOUS"
And how they take the "best" parts of songs and sounds, which I didn't even know were the best parts. Well yeah, it's basically a moving meme. I think it's because i don't know anyone personally on there and am scrolling through strangers doing something funny/cool on For You page, which removes a lot of the emptiness and materialism and FOMO of Instagram. How it feels like you have to be a bit more talented than vain vs on Instagram, imo.
the best calming/ASMR movie, and just one of the best movies, I’ve seen all year is “The last Black man in San Francisco.” BEAUTIFULLY done, so tender!
I recommended Cleo from 5 to 7 by Agnes Varda on Instagram to your question as an ASMR-inducing film but I think it's now even better suited to enjoy in the face of main character syndrome memes. The movie singularly follows Cleo, a young, wealthy Parisian singer, between the hours of 5 and 7 as she awaits news from a doctor about her cancer diagnosis. I think it deals a lot with life and movement as performance, especially for women. It's one of those following-one-character-around-a-big-city movies that I feel I like to envision myself as part of when I bike through Bed Stuy on a windy day. I think you'd enjoy it <33
Have you seen any Tarkovsky movies? If you have stories / protagonist / character arc / plot twist!!! fatigue but still want something profoundly observant of people, I can strongly recommend them. Also Ozu movies (which I think I already recommended a few months ago?).
There's something about the younger generation that makes me pretty hopeful. Even though I'm skeptical about all the talk of K-pop fans on Tik Tok changing the world etc. there's an absurdist streak to some of the humour that I deeply approve of. And mocking the idea of being the protagonist of your life is definitely healthy. As for the idea of "just being oneself" without artifice, not even sure that's possible. Who would you be? "yourself" doesn't exist, it's something your brain creates and it's extremely necessary. But at the same time, thinking of yourself as the protagonist of your life is incredibly unhealthy.
It actually scares me that so much feminist writing is about "being the main character of your life", not just because it reeks of the same Joseph Campbell shit that forms the basis of Jordan Peterson's thinking, but because if you look at people who actually think of themselves that way, it's people who've been profoundly fucked over. People who have nothing else to hold onto. People who have had to limit how they think of their lives to give it a purpose, or they'd fall off the edge. And further down the line : narcissists. Or anyone else who ends up assuming the radio is speaking to them and decoding patterns in the wallpaper.
Simone de Beauvoir has whole chapters of the Second Sex about this, women who see themselves as the heroine of their lives, and it's something I wish more people who work on the basis of what she did would pick up on. I think we get lost in looking for more female heroines to represent us in movies - all that TV Tropes crap. It's expensive bullshit, in that it's cost us decades' worth of feminist advancement. And no, I don't think representation is important in any way shape or form because I think people relate to art in ways that aren't just like, budgie----->mirror.
Which is also the assumption behind the idea that women form a cohesive political subject, like, women barely work as an advertising demographic. Though I'm a bit tired of the "let's just add more demographic factors" argument, yawn, 1986 called, it wants its blindingly obvious "insight" back (which still treats people as budgies with mirrors). Which, this crisis of subjecthood at the centre of feminism is exactly why, in spite of many feminist-related victories, the cause can't seem to get anywhere, and ends up effectively reactionary.
Also I'd like to step down from my soapbox for a moment to say that Tik-Tok chick's short hairdo would definitely suit you. Seeing as you worked at MR, you probably know someone who's a bit handy with a pair of scissors who could sort that for you, right?
I'm clinging so hard to your reflection on Columbus hours after reading this week's newsletter :') I love when your writing gives me insight into a complicated feeling or behaviour. I usually toil over the logistical details of plans in private as to not "ruin" the movie-like spontaneity for the person I'll be hanging out with. A mousy wave goodbye could be awkward sure, but not if I've prepared by pencilling it into my mental task list lol. Very fake and performative chill girl here!!
Hi Haley, this newsletter was soooo good! I've been meaning to try to reach out to you (hesitant bc I'm a stranger) but I remember you posted a screenshot list of all the recommended movies on IG--would you happen to still have it?
Loved this one Haley. I have so many thoughts! First of all, Simulation and Simulacra has been on my reading list after watching Matrix for the first time this past summer (I know, I know...) and subsequently reading the movie’s trivia section on imdb. Would you recommend it? I read a couple of
excerpts and found them a little impenetrable. Re: main character syndrome, I’ve also been thinking a lot about how much our behavior is shaped by TV and movies. I guess life imitates art and all that, but I sometimes wonder what kind of person I would be without the art I consumed, especially when I was younger. I do think this phenomenon diminishes as you get older and your sense of self strengthens. Reading about the issue you took with Columbus (which I haven’t seen), I couldn’t help but think of the times you discussed the limits of self-awareness in media (and the fact that it’s overdone). I was wondering how you link the two ideas, of wanting the characters to acknowledge themselves and their realities while also disliking the way self-awareness seems so pervasive these days as a sort of cheap cop-out for the characters (and the authors). Is it a spectrum kind of thing where you’re looking for a happy medium? Or are these two issues distinct in your mind?
One final thought: when you mentioned going down the rabbit hole of making bad decisions, you reminded me of one of the only things I remember from my university classes, a “judgment and decision making” course where the introductory slide consisted of this quote by an economist, which I have kept safely in my favorites folder to this day: "People display intransitivity; misunderstand statistical independence; mistake random data for patterned data and vice versa; fail to ap- preciate law of large number effects; fail to recognize statistical dominance; make errors in updating probabilities on the basis of new information; understate the significance of given sample sizes; fail to understand covariation for even the simplest 2X2 contin-gency tables; make false inferences about causality; ignore relevant information; use irrelevant information (as in sunk cost fallacies); exaggerate the importance of vivid over pallid evidence; exaggerate the importance of fallible predictors; exaggerate the ex ante probability of a random event which has already occurred; display overconfidence in judgment relative to evidence; exaggerate confirming over disconfirming evidence relative to initial beliefs; give answers that are highly sensitive to logically irrelevant changes in questions; do redundant and ambiguous tests to confirm an hypoth- esis at the expense of decisive tests to disconfirm; make frequent errors in deductive reasoning tasks such as syllogisms; place higher value on an opportunity if an experimenter rigs it to be the “status quo” opportunity; fail to discount the future consistently; fail to adjust repeated choices to accommodate intertemporal connections; and more”. I love that I don’t understand all the ways in which I’m misguided. Makes life more fun.
Wow that quote! I love that. Examining the extent of human bias (often using myself as an example) feels really central to my writing, although I've never quite thought of it that way before. I'm grateful for this framing, thank you! To answer you question about how I square my desire for self-awareness to not be the end goal in real life and for self-awareness (or maybe more accurately self-consciousness) to be depicted or explored more in art: I think what I'm looking for in art is simply depiction, which is distinct from endorsement. As in, I enjoy art that grapples with the fact that there are many layers to our self-conception and behavior—although of course that doesn't mean self-consciousness is any kind of means to an end of goodness. It's just a reality, and imo a complicated one worth examining. Does that distinction makes sense to you?
About two years ago I was living in a country where I did not know anyone, I was depressed pretty much the whole time I lived there (2 years). Now with a little perspective I think I learned a lot from it and actually enjoyed many things even while I was depressed. The point is I spent so much time in my head, more than I usually do, sometimes I spent a whole week without hearing my voice out loud. So a lot of my world was online and being so far away from everyone I knew allowed me to put myself online in ways that felt more authentic, not as the main character? But it started as trying to be the main character and then obsessing about everything I went through, so I did this very long posts sharing my 'deep insights' or sometimes just random things that were funny to me, or just plain selfies. Then I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was posting and the responses I wanted to get from the people I knew but at the same time I got annoyed when it didn't translate to what I had in my head. So after thinking for months, people were actually interpreting my ideas and emotional states and physical appearance ON THEIR OWN when I posted them, what!? lol. I finally realized no one thinks about you as much as you do, something so simple, something that is implied into being yourself, but it took me all that to realize it. After letting that sink in I started posting more freely, less informatively I'd like to think, and over the years now I've had social media crisis, moments of main character posting, but I always come back to this realization. Spending more time online ever since the pandemic started has brought me back to the loop some days. So I felt understood(?) reading you, I have not had the chance to talk about this with people recently so it feels good to read it. Thank you as always.
loved this one. was waiting for you to reference Never Let Me Go... I think about that passage where Kathy mentions Ruth imitating the bf/gf shoulder rub she sees on tv probably literally weekly. in my experience romance & courtship are probably the most fertile ground for this kind of performing our identities, imagining and fulfilling how we hope to seen through our partners eyes.. reminds me a lot of John Berger's work too. I wonder how gendered this kind of behavior is.
for ASMR movies I definitely recommend all of Kelly Reichhardt's movies, particularly Meek's Cutoff and First Cow! <3
so glad to hear your depression fog has abated a bit.
Ah yes!!! I'm so glad that resonated with you...that book blew my mind with its focus on the chess happening beneath the surface of many human relationships. I want to reread. Have you ever heard that Ishiguo is called "the poet of the unspoken"? I think it's the perfect moniker (Also thanks for the movie recs!)
omg no i haven't but i love that. but i saw this resonant quote from his nobel prize acceptance speech on tumblr (lol yes i still use/love tumblr 2020): “But in the end, stories are about one person saying to another: This is the way it feels to me. Can you understand what I’m saying? Does it feel this way to you?”
This was my favorite Maybe Baby I've read! I was...experiencing...main character syndrome yesterday while laying flat on my bed and needing someone to help me unpack it. Now I get that plus a meditation on Columbus?? AND a Toni Collette in Wanderlust reference??? Happy Sunday <3
Have you watched 'How to With John Wilson'? It really speaks to this kind of absurdity of the human condition that has us all in this performative / meaningless bizarreo world. Personally helps me to manage the state of the world a little better, seeing it laid kind of bare in a silly way. It's exec produced by Nathan Fielder so big Nathan For You energy and, weirdly, the episode before last had the pig couch in it!
I posted my comment then read the others. I just wanted to say this is an amazing comments section omg
OMG I do the same every time... it's like the "part two" of the newsletter for me... Also, don't know if your name is actually Serene, but mine is! :) hi!
"This is my small gripe with the plot of Columbus, or perhaps with the way modern dramas are often written: They rarely account for the fact that many people’s thoughts and behaviors today are heavily influenced by what they’ve seen in the movies."
^^This reminds me of this 2005 piece by Mark Grief in n+1: https://nplusonemag.com/issue-3/reviews/reality-reality-television/
He writes: "THE REALITY OF reality television is that it is the one place that, first, shows our fellow citizens to us and, then, shows that they have been changed by television. This reality is the unacknowledged truth that drama cannot, and will not, show you. A problem of dramatic television, separate from what the corrupt characters say and do, is that it shows people who live as if they were not being shaped by television. On this point it profoundly fails to capture our reality. "
I read the Grief essay like 100 years ago but I think about this point all the time!
Wow I love this!! Can't wait to read the whole piece. I've been meaning to finish Mark Grief's "Against Everything" (one of my favorite book covers) because the first few essays were so good
Main character syndrome reminds me of when my friends and I were teenagers and we all smoked and we used to take it in turns at a party to go outside alone with an iPod and earphones and smoke for one song and we called it an “O.C. Moment” because it felt like an emotional character montage from the TV show lol.
Hahaha omg this is such a perfect teen anecdote
i generally love Tiktok very earnestly* for many reasons, one of them which are the comments are so smart. And the humor can be so...brain-twisty wtf yet "HOW DID YOU JUST ACT OUT MY SUBCONSCIOUS"
And how they take the "best" parts of songs and sounds, which I didn't even know were the best parts. Well yeah, it's basically a moving meme. I think it's because i don't know anyone personally on there and am scrolling through strangers doing something funny/cool on For You page, which removes a lot of the emptiness and materialism and FOMO of Instagram. How it feels like you have to be a bit more talented than vain vs on Instagram, imo.
*besides the darker AI gov't implications
the best calming/ASMR movie, and just one of the best movies, I’ve seen all year is “The last Black man in San Francisco.” BEAUTIFULLY done, so tender!
Oh someone else recc'd this!! Need to watch
I recommended Cleo from 5 to 7 by Agnes Varda on Instagram to your question as an ASMR-inducing film but I think it's now even better suited to enjoy in the face of main character syndrome memes. The movie singularly follows Cleo, a young, wealthy Parisian singer, between the hours of 5 and 7 as she awaits news from a doctor about her cancer diagnosis. I think it deals a lot with life and movement as performance, especially for women. It's one of those following-one-character-around-a-big-city movies that I feel I like to envision myself as part of when I bike through Bed Stuy on a windy day. I think you'd enjoy it <33
Ah I can't wait to watch this thank you!
Have you seen any Tarkovsky movies? If you have stories / protagonist / character arc / plot twist!!! fatigue but still want something profoundly observant of people, I can strongly recommend them. Also Ozu movies (which I think I already recommended a few months ago?).
There's something about the younger generation that makes me pretty hopeful. Even though I'm skeptical about all the talk of K-pop fans on Tik Tok changing the world etc. there's an absurdist streak to some of the humour that I deeply approve of. And mocking the idea of being the protagonist of your life is definitely healthy. As for the idea of "just being oneself" without artifice, not even sure that's possible. Who would you be? "yourself" doesn't exist, it's something your brain creates and it's extremely necessary. But at the same time, thinking of yourself as the protagonist of your life is incredibly unhealthy.
It actually scares me that so much feminist writing is about "being the main character of your life", not just because it reeks of the same Joseph Campbell shit that forms the basis of Jordan Peterson's thinking, but because if you look at people who actually think of themselves that way, it's people who've been profoundly fucked over. People who have nothing else to hold onto. People who have had to limit how they think of their lives to give it a purpose, or they'd fall off the edge. And further down the line : narcissists. Or anyone else who ends up assuming the radio is speaking to them and decoding patterns in the wallpaper.
Simone de Beauvoir has whole chapters of the Second Sex about this, women who see themselves as the heroine of their lives, and it's something I wish more people who work on the basis of what she did would pick up on. I think we get lost in looking for more female heroines to represent us in movies - all that TV Tropes crap. It's expensive bullshit, in that it's cost us decades' worth of feminist advancement. And no, I don't think representation is important in any way shape or form because I think people relate to art in ways that aren't just like, budgie----->mirror.
Which is also the assumption behind the idea that women form a cohesive political subject, like, women barely work as an advertising demographic. Though I'm a bit tired of the "let's just add more demographic factors" argument, yawn, 1986 called, it wants its blindingly obvious "insight" back (which still treats people as budgies with mirrors). Which, this crisis of subjecthood at the centre of feminism is exactly why, in spite of many feminist-related victories, the cause can't seem to get anywhere, and ends up effectively reactionary.
Also I'd like to step down from my soapbox for a moment to say that Tik-Tok chick's short hairdo would definitely suit you. Seeing as you worked at MR, you probably know someone who's a bit handy with a pair of scissors who could sort that for you, right?
I'm clinging so hard to your reflection on Columbus hours after reading this week's newsletter :') I love when your writing gives me insight into a complicated feeling or behaviour. I usually toil over the logistical details of plans in private as to not "ruin" the movie-like spontaneity for the person I'll be hanging out with. A mousy wave goodbye could be awkward sure, but not if I've prepared by pencilling it into my mental task list lol. Very fake and performative chill girl here!!
Hahaha you should write a short story about this
Hi Haley, this newsletter was soooo good! I've been meaning to try to reach out to you (hesitant bc I'm a stranger) but I remember you posted a screenshot list of all the recommended movies on IG--would you happen to still have it?
Of course, here you go! (Can't corroborate on all, just the messenger!)
Portrait of a Lady on Fire
Phantom Thread
Columbus
The Miniaturist (series)
Carol
Call Me By Your Name
Babette’s Feast
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Lars and the Real Girl
The Piano
Jane Eyre
Lost in Translation
Room With a View
The Last Black Man in San Francisco
Ponyo
Brooklyn
Marie Antoinette
Pride and Prejudice
Emma (2020)
Cold War
Cléo From 5 to 7
Somewhere
Like Crazy
Before Sunset (trilogy)
The Only Living Boy in New York
I’m Thinking of Ending Things
Adaptation
Lives of Others
Joan Didion: The Center Will Not Hold
The Lobster
Paterson
Her
We Are Who We Are (series)
Atonement
The Science of Sleep
Timer
Tree of Life
Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Beaches of Agnes
Rilakkuma and Kaoru
Loved this one Haley. I have so many thoughts! First of all, Simulation and Simulacra has been on my reading list after watching Matrix for the first time this past summer (I know, I know...) and subsequently reading the movie’s trivia section on imdb. Would you recommend it? I read a couple of
excerpts and found them a little impenetrable. Re: main character syndrome, I’ve also been thinking a lot about how much our behavior is shaped by TV and movies. I guess life imitates art and all that, but I sometimes wonder what kind of person I would be without the art I consumed, especially when I was younger. I do think this phenomenon diminishes as you get older and your sense of self strengthens. Reading about the issue you took with Columbus (which I haven’t seen), I couldn’t help but think of the times you discussed the limits of self-awareness in media (and the fact that it’s overdone). I was wondering how you link the two ideas, of wanting the characters to acknowledge themselves and their realities while also disliking the way self-awareness seems so pervasive these days as a sort of cheap cop-out for the characters (and the authors). Is it a spectrum kind of thing where you’re looking for a happy medium? Or are these two issues distinct in your mind?
One final thought: when you mentioned going down the rabbit hole of making bad decisions, you reminded me of one of the only things I remember from my university classes, a “judgment and decision making” course where the introductory slide consisted of this quote by an economist, which I have kept safely in my favorites folder to this day: "People display intransitivity; misunderstand statistical independence; mistake random data for patterned data and vice versa; fail to ap- preciate law of large number effects; fail to recognize statistical dominance; make errors in updating probabilities on the basis of new information; understate the significance of given sample sizes; fail to understand covariation for even the simplest 2X2 contin-gency tables; make false inferences about causality; ignore relevant information; use irrelevant information (as in sunk cost fallacies); exaggerate the importance of vivid over pallid evidence; exaggerate the importance of fallible predictors; exaggerate the ex ante probability of a random event which has already occurred; display overconfidence in judgment relative to evidence; exaggerate confirming over disconfirming evidence relative to initial beliefs; give answers that are highly sensitive to logically irrelevant changes in questions; do redundant and ambiguous tests to confirm an hypoth- esis at the expense of decisive tests to disconfirm; make frequent errors in deductive reasoning tasks such as syllogisms; place higher value on an opportunity if an experimenter rigs it to be the “status quo” opportunity; fail to discount the future consistently; fail to adjust repeated choices to accommodate intertemporal connections; and more”. I love that I don’t understand all the ways in which I’m misguided. Makes life more fun.
Wow that quote! I love that. Examining the extent of human bias (often using myself as an example) feels really central to my writing, although I've never quite thought of it that way before. I'm grateful for this framing, thank you! To answer you question about how I square my desire for self-awareness to not be the end goal in real life and for self-awareness (or maybe more accurately self-consciousness) to be depicted or explored more in art: I think what I'm looking for in art is simply depiction, which is distinct from endorsement. As in, I enjoy art that grapples with the fact that there are many layers to our self-conception and behavior—although of course that doesn't mean self-consciousness is any kind of means to an end of goodness. It's just a reality, and imo a complicated one worth examining. Does that distinction makes sense to you?
About two years ago I was living in a country where I did not know anyone, I was depressed pretty much the whole time I lived there (2 years). Now with a little perspective I think I learned a lot from it and actually enjoyed many things even while I was depressed. The point is I spent so much time in my head, more than I usually do, sometimes I spent a whole week without hearing my voice out loud. So a lot of my world was online and being so far away from everyone I knew allowed me to put myself online in ways that felt more authentic, not as the main character? But it started as trying to be the main character and then obsessing about everything I went through, so I did this very long posts sharing my 'deep insights' or sometimes just random things that were funny to me, or just plain selfies. Then I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was posting and the responses I wanted to get from the people I knew but at the same time I got annoyed when it didn't translate to what I had in my head. So after thinking for months, people were actually interpreting my ideas and emotional states and physical appearance ON THEIR OWN when I posted them, what!? lol. I finally realized no one thinks about you as much as you do, something so simple, something that is implied into being yourself, but it took me all that to realize it. After letting that sink in I started posting more freely, less informatively I'd like to think, and over the years now I've had social media crisis, moments of main character posting, but I always come back to this realization. Spending more time online ever since the pandemic started has brought me back to the loop some days. So I felt understood(?) reading you, I have not had the chance to talk about this with people recently so it feels good to read it. Thank you as always.
This reminds me of that viral Tumblr post about a made-up word that everyone freaked out about! Remember? https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/23536922667/sonder
performatively* not informatively...
loved this one. was waiting for you to reference Never Let Me Go... I think about that passage where Kathy mentions Ruth imitating the bf/gf shoulder rub she sees on tv probably literally weekly. in my experience romance & courtship are probably the most fertile ground for this kind of performing our identities, imagining and fulfilling how we hope to seen through our partners eyes.. reminds me a lot of John Berger's work too. I wonder how gendered this kind of behavior is.
for ASMR movies I definitely recommend all of Kelly Reichhardt's movies, particularly Meek's Cutoff and First Cow! <3
so glad to hear your depression fog has abated a bit.
Ah yes!!! I'm so glad that resonated with you...that book blew my mind with its focus on the chess happening beneath the surface of many human relationships. I want to reread. Have you ever heard that Ishiguo is called "the poet of the unspoken"? I think it's the perfect moniker (Also thanks for the movie recs!)
omg no i haven't but i love that. but i saw this resonant quote from his nobel prize acceptance speech on tumblr (lol yes i still use/love tumblr 2020): “But in the end, stories are about one person saying to another: This is the way it feels to me. Can you understand what I’m saying? Does it feel this way to you?”
I love him
This was my favorite Maybe Baby I've read! I was...experiencing...main character syndrome yesterday while laying flat on my bed and needing someone to help me unpack it. Now I get that plus a meditation on Columbus?? AND a Toni Collette in Wanderlust reference??? Happy Sunday <3
Hahaha so glad someone else is excited about Toni Collette in Wanderlust. Another great one is Laura Dern in Enlightened
The kids do in fact still say “passed the vibe check”. Sometimes. You definitely passed the vibe check on that one, don’t worry.
thank god
I'm so happy to hear about your mushroom experience. I started microdosing a few months ago, and it has significantly improved my life.
Have you watched 'How to With John Wilson'? It really speaks to this kind of absurdity of the human condition that has us all in this performative / meaningless bizarreo world. Personally helps me to manage the state of the world a little better, seeing it laid kind of bare in a silly way. It's exec produced by Nathan Fielder so big Nathan For You energy and, weirdly, the episode before last had the pig couch in it!
I've watched the first two episodes but am behind! I gasped when you said it featured the pig couch....
Haha I have been feeling haunted all week because of it but that is prob just a bit of main character syndrome rearing its head...