Every day around 4 p.m. my upstairs neighbor exercises for 30 minutes. I’m not sure what his routine entails, but oddly there is no variation to the sound—only heavy, rhythmic thumps, like he’s jumping up and down while holding a cinder block. Avi usually sighs and says something like, “Here we go…” whenever it starts. But I find the sound strangely comforting. It makes me feel like I’m inside something big and hollow, or like I’m listening to our building’s heart beat.
Definitely found myself focusing on my body more than “before.” Maybe because I’ve temporarily moved to Connecticut to live with my sister and her family, and experiencing more time/space to access the outdoors for a run or bike ride? Maybe because my proximity to family has them commenting on my body more often, ie “you look thinner” (I really think it’s just the baggy painter jeans I subbed in for sweats)?
I’ve more than once found myself posing and prodding while staring at myself in the mirror and waiting for the shower to warm up. Also, the more-than-passing-thought mental math of my food intake versus workout for that day. This is so not like me that it has me questioning whether I’ll look back at this time and yearn for it, which is a very strange notion.
Know that I’ve got a very different quarantine situation than many (very grateful for it), but this strange period interrupting “”regular life”” has me reevaluating it all in pretty heavy ways, especially as a NYC resident. Anyone else?
I have also been noticing that I’m more focused on/critical of my physical appearance in quarantine, and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one because I felt guilty, like it was something too trivial to think about right now. I think it’s because we’re spending so much time with ourselves, and we’re unable to get distracted in the typical ways, like by spending time with others and focusing on them. I also feel a sense of regression because of the stagnant feeling of this time. For me it’s like when I was in high school in a small town, and I felt like I was waiting for the exciting part of my life to begin. Now it’s similar and the old insecurities are revisiting me. I think it can be about the lack of control we feel, and also about the lack of meaningful in person life routines.
Thank you for your writing, I always like reading your newsletter!
I appreciate you writing about solitude, cause I often feel guilty for needing it these days. I think the norm for this quarantine is feeling guilty and then immediately feeling guilty for feeling guilty. As an introvert I feel the groundbreaking need to be alone, without anyone presence, but when I actually accomplish it, I want someone around just for the knowledge of it. And you putted it into words much better than I did, the paradox of needing space but needing to know you’re not alone. It seems less lonely when you put it down in words.
I've been torn between feeling lucky that the pandemic hit during spring and feeling the irony of it. Part of me feels like I couldn't have handled it without the warmer days and flowers growing around me. Signs of life! However, it is such a hopeful season... then I remind myself of our reality. It's not that hard to imagine what kind of antics I would have been getting up to during these spring weekends and that's mentally challenging.
As for focusing on my appearance, I have absolutely been. I have felt like certain clothes don't fit the same way and I can't tell if I've put on weight or lost weight, which should be more noticeable?
Thanks for the newsletter! I subscribed a few weeks ago, but this was my first time reading and I really enjoyed it.
been debating the same thing about summer/winter but I'd think I'd prefer it happen in the winter when we wouldn't want to leave the house much anyway. but you're right that nature blooming is helping a bit
Oddly, I think that no longer surrounded by people against whom I’d compare myself, and with people on Instagram forced to make their messaging more about community and gratitude and less on consumerism and beauty, I’ve actually appreciated myself as I am (a few pounds heavier and all) more than ever. Not every day, and not all day, but something about being alone with myself has actually made me feel that I’m not half bad, a thought that I’d never dare entertain in the days of beauty hauls and eyelash extensions and hot girl summer. A little quiet has gone a long way.
I put makeup on for the sole purpose of feeling better... only to now realize I hate what I look like with makeup on??? WTF?? I don’t know if this is self growth or regression but I guess I have to take it
Chiming in to say yes, I have been focusing on my body as a mechanism for control. It’s been a long time since my full-blown disordered eating, but I find those thoughts are coming back. I also embarked upon a journey of getting to know my own face without makeup, which has been empowering and frustrating (I thought it would help with my skin but I seem to be breaking out even more). In the end, I try to turn my bad thoughts around by asking myself what it would look like if I came out of this pandemic as a kinder person, both to myself and others. All this to say that I look forward to your newsletters and they always feel like a letter from a friend. Thank you 🧡
I resent that online meetings/hangouts allow me to look at my own face rather than my companions, a physical manifestation of narcissism that wasn’t even possible during in-person gatherings!! When I indulge, I’m so much more aware of my asymmetrical face at the expense of connecting my friends’/coworkers’ expressions to their words...
Chiming in to agree with this! Makes it much harder to have a neutral/positive relationship with my appearance when I’m constantly being put into situations that inevitably lead to hyper-analyzing for flaws
First, Haley, your writing always provokes such thoughtful and interesting discussions and I love the community you've created here! Really enjoying the newsletter.
I have definitely noticed myself focussing more on my physical appearance, particularly during ever more frequent video calls with friends. I keep catching myself watching my own face in the corner of the screen (!!) instead of engaging with the person/people I'm in conversation with. I'm wondering if having no real way of achieving eye contact digitally (do I look at their face on the screen or directly into the camera?) is a factor here, in addition to my own face competing for attention. Sometimes it feels like I can't get away from looking at my own face, and it can carry into the rest of my day.
It makes me think of how I prefer to not be able to see myself when I'm dancing. It's so much more satisfying for me to dance and experience the joy I feel in moving my body, and have that feeling colour how I imagine myself moving in my mind's eye. For me, as soon as I can watch myself through a mirror or screen, it pulls focus away from the act itself to the *appearance* of the act, and the negative body thoughts come along with it, comparing myself to others, etc.
Thanks as always for the wonderful newsletter. I have become especially more critical since quarantine to the point where I think I was crying about how I felt like my jeans were too tight the other day and I just felt overall ugly after staring at a mini version of myself on video chat day in and day out. Thank you for calling it out, it seems so much more normal that other folks are feeling the same way. I am trying to be more gentle with myself this week. Cheers to you and keep spreading the good word! You always manage to articulate things that are lingering right at "the surface" but that I haven't broken through to articulate or talk to anyone about.
Thank you for your newsletter, Haley. When it arrives each week it reminds me in a very real sense that life is continuing around the world – in a way that news reports somehow don't. By reading your musings, thoughts and feelings it nudges my brain to remember that every single person on this planet living through the pandemic has their own individual perspective. Sitting in rainy Glasgow, staring out of my window, it brings me comfort to think of you, and millions of others, doing the same in their homes. It's like a little empathy check in.
And knowing that you and the other commenters/readers are also intensely examining your physical appearance is another comfort - I'm not the only one!
I'm in my early 30s. My skin has changed and aged in the past three years in ways that I expected, but still surprised me when they happened. The "crows toes", as a friend calls them, around my eyes. The deepening lines on my forehead. The fight between greasy and dry on my cheeks. The two coarse and determined hairs on my chin... I now know each of these "deficiencies" intimately from daily video calls with colleagues, family and friends. My attention flickers, always coming back to my wrinkles and blemishes. I'm amazed at people who remain wholly present in a zoom chat, undistracted by their own face!
It reminds me of a passage in Tina Fey's memoir Bossypants. She describes how being on camera doesn't necessarily make you narcissistic in a true sense. Instead, it forces you to make your appearance less distracting. By having a neutral appearance, people are better able to take in the things you have to say rather than focusing on those DAMN CHIN HAIRS instead. I don’t think I’ll ever feel neutral about my own face so I can't wait for a break from myself. When I can spend a day socialising and working without a glimpse of my listening face pulling me out of the actual listening.
I feel like I’ve randomly stumbled upon your newsletter but it continues to directly reference other things that have deeply impacted me recently. The Jenny Odell book which I think is so important and that Fantastic Fungi doc which completely changed the way I think about the earth and to a profound extent the way I think about death. I feel that connecting with your letters has been a synchronicity for me and just wanted to tell you how happy I am to hear a voice that resonates when so much media feels like noise and toxicity. I’m excited you exist and thankful our paths crossed, if only virtually. Thank you!
I have been focusing more on my appearance during quarantine, but have actually been becoming more content with it.
I look at myself a lot. Pre-quarantine, I would try to catch a glance of how I looked in any reflection throughout my day, now I have a huge mirror next to my bed allowing me to stare at myself for hours at a time. I probably sound like a narcissist and perhaps a sliver of me is, but I have always been fascinated with documenting how my face and body change. It's a combination of the intrigue I have with myself and that reminiscing, especially during quarantine, is my favorite pastime.
Sometimes I feel like my reflection is a friend as bizarre as that sounds, but maybe it's looking at myself as a friend that has helped me to see myself in a more positive way?
My belly is probably my biggest insecurity. I have always thought I was fat my entire life and then when I look back at old photos I always realize that I had a normal body and yearn for that skinnier one than I have now. It's an endless cycle, but lately I have a lot of time to just stare at my naked body and find things I love about it.
The real reason for the sudden boost in self-esteem is likely not being around other people though. I constantly compare my body and face to those around me, but you can't do that when there is no one around you. I worry that once I'm back in the real world I'll maybe lose this sudden contentment with myself. That's so weird to write because I have only just thought of it now and it feels almost too private of a secret to share on a forum, but yeah.
P.S. Huge fan of this Golden Daze Simpatico album you shared, I have been listening all morning!
Funny, I was just talking to my husband about how much I care what other people think of me in relation to my material possessions (which is a bigger issue to sort) and why do I even care when we don’t even know anyone that would care? (We just moved to a new state the month before COVID). Instagram is really bad for me, but I don’t know how to quit it and the steady stream of information it provides. What I I quit and then I don’t know my fav bbq truck closes for some random reason and I drive 50 mins there for nothing?! All the influencers and content creators now pumping out an endless stream of content from their homes has made me all that much more hyper aware and self conscious of myself in down time or working from home. Must always look cute, the old butter stain college sweatshirt you love isn’t gonna cut it anymore! Must own tie dye sweats if you want to sit with us and WFH. Must be diligently caring for skin so we all emerge glowing. And must must MUST be cooking healthy meals from scratch with perfect beans and veggies in your perfect Dutch oven. Must! The pressure is exhaustion. Home is supposed to be the place to pull your hair down, take off your bra and kick your feet up watching RHONY and eating chips. I want home back.
I've definitely been paying less attention to my appearance because there's nowhere to go. I do miss fashion and the excitement of dressing up to go out, but now I'm lazy and just wear sweats all the time. I can't remember the last time I put on makeup.
re fixating on appearance - yes. I've been recovering from an eating disorder that I had for about the past eight years to different degrees and was finally getting to a good place in the months pre-covid. Now I feel like I'm right back to where I was in the depths of my treatment, but with a split consciousness. I know what I'm feeling/thinking/wanting to act on is not good for my health or my body but the sense of control that I've regressed back to "needing" is also present. It's like constantly fighting with myself. Not very positive here, but I guess it also speaks to what a worldwide imposed scarcity mindset does to those of us in recovery.
Definitely found myself focusing on my body more than “before.” Maybe because I’ve temporarily moved to Connecticut to live with my sister and her family, and experiencing more time/space to access the outdoors for a run or bike ride? Maybe because my proximity to family has them commenting on my body more often, ie “you look thinner” (I really think it’s just the baggy painter jeans I subbed in for sweats)?
I’ve more than once found myself posing and prodding while staring at myself in the mirror and waiting for the shower to warm up. Also, the more-than-passing-thought mental math of my food intake versus workout for that day. This is so not like me that it has me questioning whether I’ll look back at this time and yearn for it, which is a very strange notion.
Know that I’ve got a very different quarantine situation than many (very grateful for it), but this strange period interrupting “”regular life”” has me reevaluating it all in pretty heavy ways, especially as a NYC resident. Anyone else?
I have also been noticing that I’m more focused on/critical of my physical appearance in quarantine, and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one because I felt guilty, like it was something too trivial to think about right now. I think it’s because we’re spending so much time with ourselves, and we’re unable to get distracted in the typical ways, like by spending time with others and focusing on them. I also feel a sense of regression because of the stagnant feeling of this time. For me it’s like when I was in high school in a small town, and I felt like I was waiting for the exciting part of my life to begin. Now it’s similar and the old insecurities are revisiting me. I think it can be about the lack of control we feel, and also about the lack of meaningful in person life routines.
Thank you for your writing, I always like reading your newsletter!
I appreciate you writing about solitude, cause I often feel guilty for needing it these days. I think the norm for this quarantine is feeling guilty and then immediately feeling guilty for feeling guilty. As an introvert I feel the groundbreaking need to be alone, without anyone presence, but when I actually accomplish it, I want someone around just for the knowledge of it. And you putted it into words much better than I did, the paradox of needing space but needing to know you’re not alone. It seems less lonely when you put it down in words.
I've been torn between feeling lucky that the pandemic hit during spring and feeling the irony of it. Part of me feels like I couldn't have handled it without the warmer days and flowers growing around me. Signs of life! However, it is such a hopeful season... then I remind myself of our reality. It's not that hard to imagine what kind of antics I would have been getting up to during these spring weekends and that's mentally challenging.
As for focusing on my appearance, I have absolutely been. I have felt like certain clothes don't fit the same way and I can't tell if I've put on weight or lost weight, which should be more noticeable?
Thanks for the newsletter! I subscribed a few weeks ago, but this was my first time reading and I really enjoyed it.
been debating the same thing about summer/winter but I'd think I'd prefer it happen in the winter when we wouldn't want to leave the house much anyway. but you're right that nature blooming is helping a bit
Oddly, I think that no longer surrounded by people against whom I’d compare myself, and with people on Instagram forced to make their messaging more about community and gratitude and less on consumerism and beauty, I’ve actually appreciated myself as I am (a few pounds heavier and all) more than ever. Not every day, and not all day, but something about being alone with myself has actually made me feel that I’m not half bad, a thought that I’d never dare entertain in the days of beauty hauls and eyelash extensions and hot girl summer. A little quiet has gone a long way.
Makes me happy
I put makeup on for the sole purpose of feeling better... only to now realize I hate what I look like with makeup on??? WTF?? I don’t know if this is self growth or regression but I guess I have to take it
Chiming in to say yes, I have been focusing on my body as a mechanism for control. It’s been a long time since my full-blown disordered eating, but I find those thoughts are coming back. I also embarked upon a journey of getting to know my own face without makeup, which has been empowering and frustrating (I thought it would help with my skin but I seem to be breaking out even more). In the end, I try to turn my bad thoughts around by asking myself what it would look like if I came out of this pandemic as a kinder person, both to myself and others. All this to say that I look forward to your newsletters and they always feel like a letter from a friend. Thank you 🧡
that's a really nice way to respond to your own criticism
I resent that online meetings/hangouts allow me to look at my own face rather than my companions, a physical manifestation of narcissism that wasn’t even possible during in-person gatherings!! When I indulge, I’m so much more aware of my asymmetrical face at the expense of connecting my friends’/coworkers’ expressions to their words...
yes I find it so distracting! we're not supposed to know what we look like while socializing!
Chiming in to agree with this! Makes it much harder to have a neutral/positive relationship with my appearance when I’m constantly being put into situations that inevitably lead to hyper-analyzing for flaws
I completely agree! Is my face really this asymmetrical, or is it the camera angle? It’s giving me a complex.
First, Haley, your writing always provokes such thoughtful and interesting discussions and I love the community you've created here! Really enjoying the newsletter.
I have definitely noticed myself focussing more on my physical appearance, particularly during ever more frequent video calls with friends. I keep catching myself watching my own face in the corner of the screen (!!) instead of engaging with the person/people I'm in conversation with. I'm wondering if having no real way of achieving eye contact digitally (do I look at their face on the screen or directly into the camera?) is a factor here, in addition to my own face competing for attention. Sometimes it feels like I can't get away from looking at my own face, and it can carry into the rest of my day.
It makes me think of how I prefer to not be able to see myself when I'm dancing. It's so much more satisfying for me to dance and experience the joy I feel in moving my body, and have that feeling colour how I imagine myself moving in my mind's eye. For me, as soon as I can watch myself through a mirror or screen, it pulls focus away from the act itself to the *appearance* of the act, and the negative body thoughts come along with it, comparing myself to others, etc.
totally feel this! I wish we didnt see ourselves at all on facetime/zoom
Thanks as always for the wonderful newsletter. I have become especially more critical since quarantine to the point where I think I was crying about how I felt like my jeans were too tight the other day and I just felt overall ugly after staring at a mini version of myself on video chat day in and day out. Thank you for calling it out, it seems so much more normal that other folks are feeling the same way. I am trying to be more gentle with myself this week. Cheers to you and keep spreading the good word! You always manage to articulate things that are lingering right at "the surface" but that I haven't broken through to articulate or talk to anyone about.
Thank you for your newsletter, Haley. When it arrives each week it reminds me in a very real sense that life is continuing around the world – in a way that news reports somehow don't. By reading your musings, thoughts and feelings it nudges my brain to remember that every single person on this planet living through the pandemic has their own individual perspective. Sitting in rainy Glasgow, staring out of my window, it brings me comfort to think of you, and millions of others, doing the same in their homes. It's like a little empathy check in.
And knowing that you and the other commenters/readers are also intensely examining your physical appearance is another comfort - I'm not the only one!
I'm in my early 30s. My skin has changed and aged in the past three years in ways that I expected, but still surprised me when they happened. The "crows toes", as a friend calls them, around my eyes. The deepening lines on my forehead. The fight between greasy and dry on my cheeks. The two coarse and determined hairs on my chin... I now know each of these "deficiencies" intimately from daily video calls with colleagues, family and friends. My attention flickers, always coming back to my wrinkles and blemishes. I'm amazed at people who remain wholly present in a zoom chat, undistracted by their own face!
It reminds me of a passage in Tina Fey's memoir Bossypants. She describes how being on camera doesn't necessarily make you narcissistic in a true sense. Instead, it forces you to make your appearance less distracting. By having a neutral appearance, people are better able to take in the things you have to say rather than focusing on those DAMN CHIN HAIRS instead. I don’t think I’ll ever feel neutral about my own face so I can't wait for a break from myself. When I can spend a day socialising and working without a glimpse of my listening face pulling me out of the actual listening.
This is so sweet. Wish I was in rainy Glasgow! Please know you stiff chin hairs are not alone. Mine are going strong unfortunately
I feel like I’ve randomly stumbled upon your newsletter but it continues to directly reference other things that have deeply impacted me recently. The Jenny Odell book which I think is so important and that Fantastic Fungi doc which completely changed the way I think about the earth and to a profound extent the way I think about death. I feel that connecting with your letters has been a synchronicity for me and just wanted to tell you how happy I am to hear a voice that resonates when so much media feels like noise and toxicity. I’m excited you exist and thankful our paths crossed, if only virtually. Thank you!
this made me really happy. thank you for reading!
I have been focusing more on my appearance during quarantine, but have actually been becoming more content with it.
I look at myself a lot. Pre-quarantine, I would try to catch a glance of how I looked in any reflection throughout my day, now I have a huge mirror next to my bed allowing me to stare at myself for hours at a time. I probably sound like a narcissist and perhaps a sliver of me is, but I have always been fascinated with documenting how my face and body change. It's a combination of the intrigue I have with myself and that reminiscing, especially during quarantine, is my favorite pastime.
Sometimes I feel like my reflection is a friend as bizarre as that sounds, but maybe it's looking at myself as a friend that has helped me to see myself in a more positive way?
My belly is probably my biggest insecurity. I have always thought I was fat my entire life and then when I look back at old photos I always realize that I had a normal body and yearn for that skinnier one than I have now. It's an endless cycle, but lately I have a lot of time to just stare at my naked body and find things I love about it.
The real reason for the sudden boost in self-esteem is likely not being around other people though. I constantly compare my body and face to those around me, but you can't do that when there is no one around you. I worry that once I'm back in the real world I'll maybe lose this sudden contentment with myself. That's so weird to write because I have only just thought of it now and it feels almost too private of a secret to share on a forum, but yeah.
P.S. Huge fan of this Golden Daze Simpatico album you shared, I have been listening all morning!
this is so nice
Funny, I was just talking to my husband about how much I care what other people think of me in relation to my material possessions (which is a bigger issue to sort) and why do I even care when we don’t even know anyone that would care? (We just moved to a new state the month before COVID). Instagram is really bad for me, but I don’t know how to quit it and the steady stream of information it provides. What I I quit and then I don’t know my fav bbq truck closes for some random reason and I drive 50 mins there for nothing?! All the influencers and content creators now pumping out an endless stream of content from their homes has made me all that much more hyper aware and self conscious of myself in down time or working from home. Must always look cute, the old butter stain college sweatshirt you love isn’t gonna cut it anymore! Must own tie dye sweats if you want to sit with us and WFH. Must be diligently caring for skin so we all emerge glowing. And must must MUST be cooking healthy meals from scratch with perfect beans and veggies in your perfect Dutch oven. Must! The pressure is exhaustion. Home is supposed to be the place to pull your hair down, take off your bra and kick your feet up watching RHONY and eating chips. I want home back.
this is really well-put. when home becomes such a big part of the public imagination, where do we go for privacy?
I've definitely been paying less attention to my appearance because there's nowhere to go. I do miss fashion and the excitement of dressing up to go out, but now I'm lazy and just wear sweats all the time. I can't remember the last time I put on makeup.
re fixating on appearance - yes. I've been recovering from an eating disorder that I had for about the past eight years to different degrees and was finally getting to a good place in the months pre-covid. Now I feel like I'm right back to where I was in the depths of my treatment, but with a split consciousness. I know what I'm feeling/thinking/wanting to act on is not good for my health or my body but the sense of control that I've regressed back to "needing" is also present. It's like constantly fighting with myself. Not very positive here, but I guess it also speaks to what a worldwide imposed scarcity mindset does to those of us in recovery.