Welcome to Dear Baby (which is “Dear Abby” scrambled….hope you love that), my asked-and-answered column that runs on the last Sunday of the month. This week I’m covering: desire in long-term relationships, my writing process, making friends in New York, my inner conflict vis-a-vis fashion, and body hair. Are your ears closed or are they perked? Ideally perked but there’s a lot going on right now so I understand if not.
"It’s pretty easy to forgo shaving in Brooklyn ... also because I have pretty light and thin body hair ... so in growing mine out I’m not confronting bias as much as others are."
I am so glad you addressed this. It always seems like the people feeling bold for choosing to not to remove body hair are people with light, thin hair that's barely noticeable anyway. Not that bold of a choice, imo! Blonde body hair is easily read as "cute" whereas I think thicker, darker body hair engenders a lot more disgust — and probably would from the very same people who feel so self-satisfied with their choice to grow out their almost-invisible blonde fur.
Re: having your open rate hover around 70% - I FEEL SO GUILTY. Haley, I have always consumed your writing in an almost feverish yet I like to think intentional manner, whereby I want to savour every last word and idea and have time to ponder. The last few weeks I have left your newsletter unread and starred at the top of my inbox, waiting for a day where I can give it my full attention and time to get the most out of it; of which there haven't been many lately. So it often means it's there for a week and by the time I read it the next issue has dropped! I know one person not opening your newsletter immediately is unlikely to affect your open-rate but I just want to say that in my own experience my reason for not opening is not because there's "too much" or that it's too long; it's because I know there will be so much (😍) and I want to make sure I can take my time and savour it without any distractions or half read it and have to come back to it later. Thank you for everything you write, it's always an honour to get an insight into your mind no matter how long winded you think it may be.
I LOVE this newsletter, it’s so articulate and thought provoking. Agree with a comment below- it can’t be long enough for me either! I’d like to hear more about how you continue to navigate and work your way through your stance of fashion/ consumerism, I’m on a similar journey. Also, a question for your next q&a- what newsletters, writers and websites do you recommend? For insight, great writing and pertinent content? Thank you again for sharing your writing with us :) Jess
As always, thoughtful, articulate, left room for lots of self-exploration. Best Q&A on this side of the internet, better than any Sunday paper. As a self labeled metro-butch, there's nothing wrong with fashion... so many cultures express their identity and culture through physical adornment, fashion IS political.
Hi Haley - seconding a previous commenter, I really enjoy reading your newsletter every Sunday, it’s a nuanced and thoughtful break from the onslaught of (often clickbait) news we’ve been intaking. Question from a 25 year old fellow Brooklynite who’s been laid off, with work experience unaligned with fulfillment/general contentment even (my previous job was remote and instigated a serious depression spiral), and uncertainty about the future of the world / own personal and professional life much like everyone else. Where to start? How to find out what feeds you? How to be willing to take risks? How to even know what’s a smart career move right now when the department of labor is paying up as much as I was making salaried? Quarter life crisis coinciding with end of the world crisis — help 🥴!
Thanks for another peek into your brain, Haley! On fashion and capitalism: I highly recommend Tressie McMillan Cottom’s essay “In the Name of Beauty,” in her collection Thick. The piece articulates how capitalism thrives when its captives are seen through the lens of their lowest selves.
Wow, I had a similar realization about fashion a few months ago re: "my interest in fashion engenders shallowness no matter how I slice it"! I told myself that fashion was a useful tool for me, a non-binary bisexual person, to express myself but I ended up buying so many expensive clothes I didn't need and reinforcing the gender binary. I told myself that fashion is political but when you look beyond the entry level ways of subverting style codes, there's nothing there. It took me a really long time to realize that my interest in style or appearing smart didn't exist in a vacuum and was probably more bad than good. (MR definitely contributed to that with its insistence that fashion was worth intellectually pursuing.)
Was geeked to see you responded to my question! Such a great answer and actually very surprised to hear you say you never hand-write. I think that is sort of a deterrent to me getting in a normal writing routine. My brain thinks faster than I can write and sometimes I need my hands to keep up so I may try out typing journal entries and thoughts. I would also love to hear you expand on the fashion question. I just graduated with a fashion design and product development degree and ironically also in the past year or so have become a socialist haha. I am definitely feeling the conflict between these two subjects. Fashion is perhaps one of the most capitalist industries out there and feeds off of unsustainability, so I've found myself with a major creator's block because of their opposition.
With regard to what you've written here about clothing as expression/ its ties to consumerism and making people feel bad to make money, I wonder if you would find 'Folk Fashion' by Amy Twigger Holroyd an interesting/relevant read.
It's a book which starts off considering people's experiences of making their own clothes, and ends with a proposition of a fashion commons, really resonated with me! She goes beyond looking at 'ethical fashion' and starts to imagine a system away from super intense consumerism. It's based on academic research but written a really compelling way, definitely recommend.
I know it was not the main point you were making, but to me the freedom/safety debate ressonates a lot with this current reopening/isolation moment we are living. I am in Brazil and we are in a very similar moment to the US, with peaking deaths and new covid cases everyday, while local government insists on gradual reopening, sending mixed messages to people about safety. I guess after three months isolated we could all use some freedom, but is it possible to feel some freedom while remaining safe right now? Will we just have to get used to uncomfortable attempts at freedom? Idk but I'll be thinking a lot about the these questions for some time
"Does Everyone Have a Friendship Complex , or Just Me?" is one of the articles I come back to frequently as a young'n with the same cloud that drifts in to pour insecurities in my head. Reading it feels so freeing and like everything is put back into place, so I am thankful for the revisit and your words. Your writing has been so impactful, comforting, and perspective changing for me especially on the subject of anxiety. Working through my own struggle with anxiety I always feel once I reach a certain point of maturity it won't be a thing anymore with all the wisdom I have to live life and make decisions etc etc--which I know that the total abolishment of it is a pipe dream, and that actual mental health is a thing you have to nurture continually. But in instances like this when these inorganic thoughts come, have you found wisdom overtake them a little more easily and quickly as you learn and grow? Is this something that you think about/gives you hope? I know this may be a cloudy question in itself, but would love to hear your thoughts if this sparks any. xoxoxoxo
"It’s pretty easy to forgo shaving in Brooklyn ... also because I have pretty light and thin body hair ... so in growing mine out I’m not confronting bias as much as others are."
I am so glad you addressed this. It always seems like the people feeling bold for choosing to not to remove body hair are people with light, thin hair that's barely noticeable anyway. Not that bold of a choice, imo! Blonde body hair is easily read as "cute" whereas I think thicker, darker body hair engenders a lot more disgust — and probably would from the very same people who feel so self-satisfied with their choice to grow out their almost-invisible blonde fur.
Anyway, enjoyed this edition of Maybe Baby!
This is so true!
Re: having your open rate hover around 70% - I FEEL SO GUILTY. Haley, I have always consumed your writing in an almost feverish yet I like to think intentional manner, whereby I want to savour every last word and idea and have time to ponder. The last few weeks I have left your newsletter unread and starred at the top of my inbox, waiting for a day where I can give it my full attention and time to get the most out of it; of which there haven't been many lately. So it often means it's there for a week and by the time I read it the next issue has dropped! I know one person not opening your newsletter immediately is unlikely to affect your open-rate but I just want to say that in my own experience my reason for not opening is not because there's "too much" or that it's too long; it's because I know there will be so much (😍) and I want to make sure I can take my time and savour it without any distractions or half read it and have to come back to it later. Thank you for everything you write, it's always an honour to get an insight into your mind no matter how long winded you think it may be.
Maybe Baby yet again slaps
I LOVE this newsletter, it’s so articulate and thought provoking. Agree with a comment below- it can’t be long enough for me either! I’d like to hear more about how you continue to navigate and work your way through your stance of fashion/ consumerism, I’m on a similar journey. Also, a question for your next q&a- what newsletters, writers and websites do you recommend? For insight, great writing and pertinent content? Thank you again for sharing your writing with us :) Jess
Thank you for writing! Such a pleasure and relief to read your thoughts and I’m always sad when it’s done...your newsletter couldn’t be long enough.
As always, thoughtful, articulate, left room for lots of self-exploration. Best Q&A on this side of the internet, better than any Sunday paper. As a self labeled metro-butch, there's nothing wrong with fashion... so many cultures express their identity and culture through physical adornment, fashion IS political.
Hi Haley - seconding a previous commenter, I really enjoy reading your newsletter every Sunday, it’s a nuanced and thoughtful break from the onslaught of (often clickbait) news we’ve been intaking. Question from a 25 year old fellow Brooklynite who’s been laid off, with work experience unaligned with fulfillment/general contentment even (my previous job was remote and instigated a serious depression spiral), and uncertainty about the future of the world / own personal and professional life much like everyone else. Where to start? How to find out what feeds you? How to be willing to take risks? How to even know what’s a smart career move right now when the department of labor is paying up as much as I was making salaried? Quarter life crisis coinciding with end of the world crisis — help 🥴!
Thanks for another peek into your brain, Haley! On fashion and capitalism: I highly recommend Tressie McMillan Cottom’s essay “In the Name of Beauty,” in her collection Thick. The piece articulates how capitalism thrives when its captives are seen through the lens of their lowest selves.
I AM BLOWN AWAY EVERY SUNDAY
Wow, I had a similar realization about fashion a few months ago re: "my interest in fashion engenders shallowness no matter how I slice it"! I told myself that fashion was a useful tool for me, a non-binary bisexual person, to express myself but I ended up buying so many expensive clothes I didn't need and reinforcing the gender binary. I told myself that fashion is political but when you look beyond the entry level ways of subverting style codes, there's nothing there. It took me a really long time to realize that my interest in style or appearing smart didn't exist in a vacuum and was probably more bad than good. (MR definitely contributed to that with its insistence that fashion was worth intellectually pursuing.)
What brought you to your realizations?
Was geeked to see you responded to my question! Such a great answer and actually very surprised to hear you say you never hand-write. I think that is sort of a deterrent to me getting in a normal writing routine. My brain thinks faster than I can write and sometimes I need my hands to keep up so I may try out typing journal entries and thoughts. I would also love to hear you expand on the fashion question. I just graduated with a fashion design and product development degree and ironically also in the past year or so have become a socialist haha. I am definitely feeling the conflict between these two subjects. Fashion is perhaps one of the most capitalist industries out there and feeds off of unsustainability, so I've found myself with a major creator's block because of their opposition.
With regard to what you've written here about clothing as expression/ its ties to consumerism and making people feel bad to make money, I wonder if you would find 'Folk Fashion' by Amy Twigger Holroyd an interesting/relevant read.
It's a book which starts off considering people's experiences of making their own clothes, and ends with a proposition of a fashion commons, really resonated with me! She goes beyond looking at 'ethical fashion' and starts to imagine a system away from super intense consumerism. It's based on academic research but written a really compelling way, definitely recommend.
I know it was not the main point you were making, but to me the freedom/safety debate ressonates a lot with this current reopening/isolation moment we are living. I am in Brazil and we are in a very similar moment to the US, with peaking deaths and new covid cases everyday, while local government insists on gradual reopening, sending mixed messages to people about safety. I guess after three months isolated we could all use some freedom, but is it possible to feel some freedom while remaining safe right now? Will we just have to get used to uncomfortable attempts at freedom? Idk but I'll be thinking a lot about the these questions for some time
Thank you Haley, I just LOVED reading this, everything.
I love this newsletter, I look forward to it landing in my inbox SO much xxx
"Does Everyone Have a Friendship Complex , or Just Me?" is one of the articles I come back to frequently as a young'n with the same cloud that drifts in to pour insecurities in my head. Reading it feels so freeing and like everything is put back into place, so I am thankful for the revisit and your words. Your writing has been so impactful, comforting, and perspective changing for me especially on the subject of anxiety. Working through my own struggle with anxiety I always feel once I reach a certain point of maturity it won't be a thing anymore with all the wisdom I have to live life and make decisions etc etc--which I know that the total abolishment of it is a pipe dream, and that actual mental health is a thing you have to nurture continually. But in instances like this when these inorganic thoughts come, have you found wisdom overtake them a little more easily and quickly as you learn and grow? Is this something that you think about/gives you hope? I know this may be a cloudy question in itself, but would love to hear your thoughts if this sparks any. xoxoxoxo