This week I’ll be answering five reader questions for a new column I’m calling Dear Baby, because Dear Abby was taken and also felt pretty irrelevant. I’ll be running it once a month!
Not a super duper thought provoking, philosophical question... can we ever be so grateful to have the opportunity to purchase some other Haley Nahman merch? I absolutely love my mood lighting shirt! Pre-pandemic I was trotting around Salt Lake City’s Trader Joe’s in my shirt and someone came up to me and said, “omg!!! Haley Nahman!” To which I replied, “omg!!! HALEY NAHMAN!” We had a connection! We both love your writing! I made a friend! Out here in Utah, people are less familiar with NY media and writers so it was such a gem of a moment to experience with a complete stranger. You bring people together, Haley!! Anyways, if you wanted to use merch as an opportunity to monetize (and/or support a cause) and give people the chance to have a magical connection in the grocery store (through the soul-sucking masks), I’m on board! I would proudly display a sticker/shirt/hat with “maybe baby” on it in the cool pink and green font. :))))
This would be doubly amazing for Stella's reason above (I'm in Vietnam) PLUS my name is May and Maybe Baby is my favorite family members' nickname for me. When you named your newsletter this a cried a tiny bit because it's very clearly being written for me.
Whoever asked about leaving New York to live in their PA hometown- I am in the exact same position, feeling the exact same things. I’m afraid I’m living an all too comfortable half-life and sometimes feel like I’m waiting for my New York life to resume. Wanna be friends?
Here’s the thing: I “graduate” college in a few days and no longer have a home base to return to in New York. I didn’t have a job or relationship, or even an off-campus apartment holding me down there. What I had were my friends and unfulfilled plans for living and working there together. Leaving the city has caused many of us to rethink our relationship to it and start to imagine our lives playing out in other places. All of this has seriously impacted my relationship to quarantine. Right now I’m preparing to live and work (remotely) in PA for about a year? Maybe less? Who knows? But I’ve mostly felt grateful for getting to spend so much time with my sister and my mom while I grieve, come to realizations about the unhealthy parts of my past life in New York (there was a lot of anxiety) and “try on” different futures. The ecosystem of my home life is radically different from when I was growing up- four years ago my parents divorced and my father moved out- which made my home and the three of us in it feel so much more free. I’m trying to revel in that right now.
To second Haley, something I’ve learned in my very short 22 years is that the word “should” (What should I be doing? What should I be feeling? According to other people or societal norms) is an absolute killer. It’s the opposite of feeling free.
Hi Haley! I don’t normally comment but I wanted to say that I find a lot of comfort in what you said about an inactive period being a necessary precursor to the animated one that follows. I have or had plans to move abroad for an MBA and have spent the last two years working remotely and preparing for it. Just as I was ending that job and readying myself for my move and MBA program, social isolation put me right back where I was and pressed pause on a period of life I was so looking forward to and mentally gearing up for. I keep telling myself I will look back on this period of rest (/nothingness) fondly when my next busy phase of life begins and I still believe that’s true. But at times this feels like the Bad Place. Anyway, it was nice to read how you’ve viewed periods of your life in a similar way. Thanks for your warm and relatable words :)
“I left New York over a month ago...massively grateful someone raised this. I usually live in London and got lockdown-stuck in my home town in Australia, and had to stop working my beloved job, recently. I almost feel like I’m intentionally keeping myself in a holding pattern because I don’t want to acknowledge this is a ‘real’ period in my life. I’m sort of treading water in the hope that I’ll be able to awaken and resume my previous life. Which makes this time feel so strange and unreal, intensified by feeling like I’m visiting the past. ❤️🤍Very helpful thoughts for organising my mind H. Xx
I re-read this at 4am this morning, awake with anxiety. Reading your response to the last question put things in perspective for me, as your writing usually does. Thank you, Haley/Dear Baby.
That relationship question was just the thing I needed to read right now. Just ended a relationship with a very beautiful and kind man because I couldn't run away from the feeling that I just don't love myself in the way that is necessary to nurture a relationship. I chose myself over comfort and safety because in some way it didn't feel right and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.
Thank you for your insightful and funny writing, it felt like a nice talk with a good friend.
Your writing is so comforting Haley ✨ Thank you for sharing it. I so look forward to this newsletter dropping into my inbox.
As with so many people, your essay about ending your relationship resonated with me so much. My boyfriend and I broke up shortly before quarantine started and all plans of him moving out got jumbled up. So for now I’ve been isolating with my ex (which, thankfully, is not as bad as it sounds).
It’s such a strange feeling—there was the seismic shift of the actually breakup but things just kind of drifted back to a semblance of normalcy because they had to? There really hasn’t been space for the change to do what it needs to do. On one hand it feels like the longest breakup ever. On the other I’m happy to be stuck with someone I share mutual care for instead of going this alone. Im fearful we’re going to have to go through another big breakup once the time comes for us to physically separate.
I don’t really form a question out of all this but I of course love all your insights—you’re really able to make the most difficult emotions easily digestible. I think you’re pretty good at solving that metaphorical puzzle you mention above, haha.
I really look forward to that feeling of self-assuredness and certainty you felt post-breakup once this crazy world allows me the space to feel it. Thank you again 🌞
Your newsletter could not have come at a better time for me. I recently have found myself in a position that sounds so similar to your journey on becoming a writer. I finished my master's in landscape architecture last year and felt entirely burnt out from my degree. I love creating and designing but I am realizing that I truly enjoy writing and thinking about this realm more. I have started looking into the idea of becoming a writer in my field, and what that means and looks like and realizing that the beauty of freelance is you can make it anything you want to be. So on that note, thank you. For sharing your vulnerability and anxieties with all of us. It makes me realize that I am not alone in a lot of my thoughts, hopes and dreams.
Very unrelated--do you have any good bucket hat recs? I have been on the hunt for a good one, and I feel like you're kind of an expert on this particular trend.
"Sometimes what makes life interesting is less tied to what, specifically, we’re doing—traveling, going out, meeting people—than the mental state we’re inhabiting when we do it. I think you can just as easily feel dead while living a “dynamic” life as you can feel alive while living a quiet one. It’s all in the approach." --This so much! I realize my most memorable moments are always the in-between/ afterparty moments but this knowledge hasn't made me less fervent in trying to control/create memorable moments. Dolce far niente...is easier imagined than done.
Also I love how baby is an anagram of abby, seems apt. baby abby
Hi! Thanks for writing these newsletters, I really look forward to reading them during the week and when it arrives I love taking my time to read it peacefully. I loved that on newsletters 4 and 5 you sent a bunch of recommendations to read, watch, listen during the week and really enjoyed the suggestions (and identified with your thoughts on Fiona Apple).
Thanks again for doing this during these hard times :)
Hi Haley, thank you for sharing the relationship insight and the essay, since I hadn’t read it before. I walked away from a four year relationship right before quarantine, and while I know it was the right decision, it has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. Knowing that others have gone through the same cycles of doubt has given me the encouragement today that I really needed. Not only in the ways you described your uncertainties to a T, but also in this comments section, hearing from others that have gone through the same thing. So thank you
I was recently thinking how hard it would be to go through a breakup right now, since so much of healing is about being with people and resuming normal life and finding new things to get excited about. I'm so sorry you're going through heartbreak without that. I hope you're at least feeling support from afar
Not a super duper thought provoking, philosophical question... can we ever be so grateful to have the opportunity to purchase some other Haley Nahman merch? I absolutely love my mood lighting shirt! Pre-pandemic I was trotting around Salt Lake City’s Trader Joe’s in my shirt and someone came up to me and said, “omg!!! Haley Nahman!” To which I replied, “omg!!! HALEY NAHMAN!” We had a connection! We both love your writing! I made a friend! Out here in Utah, people are less familiar with NY media and writers so it was such a gem of a moment to experience with a complete stranger. You bring people together, Haley!! Anyways, if you wanted to use merch as an opportunity to monetize (and/or support a cause) and give people the chance to have a magical connection in the grocery store (through the soul-sucking masks), I’m on board! I would proudly display a sticker/shirt/hat with “maybe baby” on it in the cool pink and green font. :))))
Omg stella! This makes me so happy and also emotional! I'd love to make Maybe Baby swag one day!
This would be doubly amazing for Stella's reason above (I'm in Vietnam) PLUS my name is May and Maybe Baby is my favorite family members' nickname for me. When you named your newsletter this a cried a tiny bit because it's very clearly being written for me.
Whoever asked about leaving New York to live in their PA hometown- I am in the exact same position, feeling the exact same things. I’m afraid I’m living an all too comfortable half-life and sometimes feel like I’m waiting for my New York life to resume. Wanna be friends?
Here’s the thing: I “graduate” college in a few days and no longer have a home base to return to in New York. I didn’t have a job or relationship, or even an off-campus apartment holding me down there. What I had were my friends and unfulfilled plans for living and working there together. Leaving the city has caused many of us to rethink our relationship to it and start to imagine our lives playing out in other places. All of this has seriously impacted my relationship to quarantine. Right now I’m preparing to live and work (remotely) in PA for about a year? Maybe less? Who knows? But I’ve mostly felt grateful for getting to spend so much time with my sister and my mom while I grieve, come to realizations about the unhealthy parts of my past life in New York (there was a lot of anxiety) and “try on” different futures. The ecosystem of my home life is radically different from when I was growing up- four years ago my parents divorced and my father moved out- which made my home and the three of us in it feel so much more free. I’m trying to revel in that right now.
To second Haley, something I’ve learned in my very short 22 years is that the word “should” (What should I be doing? What should I be feeling? According to other people or societal norms) is an absolute killer. It’s the opposite of feeling free.
Hi Haley! I don’t normally comment but I wanted to say that I find a lot of comfort in what you said about an inactive period being a necessary precursor to the animated one that follows. I have or had plans to move abroad for an MBA and have spent the last two years working remotely and preparing for it. Just as I was ending that job and readying myself for my move and MBA program, social isolation put me right back where I was and pressed pause on a period of life I was so looking forward to and mentally gearing up for. I keep telling myself I will look back on this period of rest (/nothingness) fondly when my next busy phase of life begins and I still believe that’s true. But at times this feels like the Bad Place. Anyway, it was nice to read how you’ve viewed periods of your life in a similar way. Thanks for your warm and relatable words :)
Ugh, that's so heartbreaking. I'm sorry your plans had to change so drastically! I've heard a lot of people going through something similar.
“I left New York over a month ago...massively grateful someone raised this. I usually live in London and got lockdown-stuck in my home town in Australia, and had to stop working my beloved job, recently. I almost feel like I’m intentionally keeping myself in a holding pattern because I don’t want to acknowledge this is a ‘real’ period in my life. I’m sort of treading water in the hope that I’ll be able to awaken and resume my previous life. Which makes this time feel so strange and unreal, intensified by feeling like I’m visiting the past. ❤️🤍Very helpful thoughts for organising my mind H. Xx
I re-read this at 4am this morning, awake with anxiety. Reading your response to the last question put things in perspective for me, as your writing usually does. Thank you, Haley/Dear Baby.
Thank you for reading and I'm sorry about your insomnia :( Fuck everything about this situation!
That relationship question was just the thing I needed to read right now. Just ended a relationship with a very beautiful and kind man because I couldn't run away from the feeling that I just don't love myself in the way that is necessary to nurture a relationship. I chose myself over comfort and safety because in some way it didn't feel right and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.
Thank you for your insightful and funny writing, it felt like a nice talk with a good friend.
How could anyone in their right mind hate-follow @halemur? There's nothing to hate.
you're the sweetest
Your writing is so comforting Haley ✨ Thank you for sharing it. I so look forward to this newsletter dropping into my inbox.
As with so many people, your essay about ending your relationship resonated with me so much. My boyfriend and I broke up shortly before quarantine started and all plans of him moving out got jumbled up. So for now I’ve been isolating with my ex (which, thankfully, is not as bad as it sounds).
It’s such a strange feeling—there was the seismic shift of the actually breakup but things just kind of drifted back to a semblance of normalcy because they had to? There really hasn’t been space for the change to do what it needs to do. On one hand it feels like the longest breakup ever. On the other I’m happy to be stuck with someone I share mutual care for instead of going this alone. Im fearful we’re going to have to go through another big breakup once the time comes for us to physically separate.
I don’t really form a question out of all this but I of course love all your insights—you’re really able to make the most difficult emotions easily digestible. I think you’re pretty good at solving that metaphorical puzzle you mention above, haha.
I really look forward to that feeling of self-assuredness and certainty you felt post-breakup once this crazy world allows me the space to feel it. Thank you again 🌞
That must be such a strange experience!! Maybe even an enlightening one?
Your newsletter could not have come at a better time for me. I recently have found myself in a position that sounds so similar to your journey on becoming a writer. I finished my master's in landscape architecture last year and felt entirely burnt out from my degree. I love creating and designing but I am realizing that I truly enjoy writing and thinking about this realm more. I have started looking into the idea of becoming a writer in my field, and what that means and looks like and realizing that the beauty of freelance is you can make it anything you want to be. So on that note, thank you. For sharing your vulnerability and anxieties with all of us. It makes me realize that I am not alone in a lot of my thoughts, hopes and dreams.
Very unrelated--do you have any good bucket hat recs? I have been on the hunt for a good one, and I feel like you're kind of an expert on this particular trend.
I'm excited for you/your writing!
Also my bucket hat is some cheap brandless thing I stole from the Man Repeller fashion closet! I wish I had a better rec...
"Sometimes what makes life interesting is less tied to what, specifically, we’re doing—traveling, going out, meeting people—than the mental state we’re inhabiting when we do it. I think you can just as easily feel dead while living a “dynamic” life as you can feel alive while living a quiet one. It’s all in the approach." --This so much! I realize my most memorable moments are always the in-between/ afterparty moments but this knowledge hasn't made me less fervent in trying to control/create memorable moments. Dolce far niente...is easier imagined than done.
Also I love how baby is an anagram of abby, seems apt. baby abby
I was hoping people would notice the baby/abby thing :]
Hi! Thanks for writing these newsletters, I really look forward to reading them during the week and when it arrives I love taking my time to read it peacefully. I loved that on newsletters 4 and 5 you sent a bunch of recommendations to read, watch, listen during the week and really enjoyed the suggestions (and identified with your thoughts on Fiona Apple).
Thanks again for doing this during these hard times :)
this felt like a hug to read. thank you haley!
Im really enjoying your thought provoking "baby" love your writing!!!
Hi Haley, thank you for sharing the relationship insight and the essay, since I hadn’t read it before. I walked away from a four year relationship right before quarantine, and while I know it was the right decision, it has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. Knowing that others have gone through the same cycles of doubt has given me the encouragement today that I really needed. Not only in the ways you described your uncertainties to a T, but also in this comments section, hearing from others that have gone through the same thing. So thank you
I was recently thinking how hard it would be to go through a breakup right now, since so much of healing is about being with people and resuming normal life and finding new things to get excited about. I'm so sorry you're going through heartbreak without that. I hope you're at least feeling support from afar
What a warm hug this was
You are a delight.