Aug 20, 2023·edited Aug 22, 2023Liked by Haley Nahman
So sorry, here’s something Anne Helen Peterson shared that helped me:
The love between a human and their pet is completely uncomplicated.
There are no interpersonal dynamics to worry about. It's one of the few relationships in life that you can express your love freely and without self consciousness. And that's also why it hurts so much when they are gone.
Haley, I'm so so sorry. Thank you for sharing your grief with all of us -- your love for Bug is so palpable and comes through so strongly in your writing that I (and it seems like most of your other readers) loved him too because of it. I hope you take all the time to mourn and process his absence, and don't in any way feel rushed to move on or diminish it just because Bug wasn't a human.
I've lost two family dogs, who we all still miss, and now have my own 6 year old dog whose eventual death causes me so much sadness whenever I think about it. The only thing I've ever come across that comforts me is something I read in a Cup of Jo post by Kelly Conaboy about her dog Peter's eventual death. She wrote "No, I won’t have you forever, even though I desperately want to; even though I would donate years of my own life to make our timelines more even, if I could. But the one silver lining I can see in the discrepancy between human and dog life expectancies is that you will have me forever. And that is more important."
I’m so sorry for your loss. All I can think of to say is that every cat is the most perfect cat in the world to the people that love them. Bug was the most perfect cat, the most special cat in the world.
First of all Haley, I am so deeply sorry in ways that words cannot even begin to touch. I genuinely cried out reading this news. I lost my cat in February 2019 and it still aches every day. A wound that will never fully heal. When my cat died, people tried to offer me so many kind and gentle words of comfort, which didn't even touch the edges and in many cases ended up making me feel worse. I'm severely ill and disabled, so my cat was an absolute lifeline for me getting through the endless days stuck in bed unable to access the world or connect with people in the ways I would've wanted to. While well meaning, people just didn't understand the particular pain of losing an animal that is your only companion through the soul-destroying experience of severe incurable illness.
I imagine there are similar nuances and layers to losing a beloved pet whilst pregnant, and I can't even begin to imagine the extra pain that adds to the situation. I want to offer you comfort but I don't think there's anything I can say that will help. So I'll just say that losing an animal is as viscerally painful as losing a human for many people, albeit perhaps in a different way. There is no timeline or template for your grief and you need to feel it in whatever way it shows up for you. So many people tried to tell me I'd feel better by X time and they were sweet but wrong. So my offering is feel as bad as you need for as long as you need, no matter what other people may think about the acceptability and proportionality of your grief. Sending you a massive hug from across the Atlantic, and so many waves of love and support.
I hear you! I also have chronic health issues, and my cats keep me sane. They are so present for me, and, as you said, there are many times I'm isolated from people because I just can't get out of bed or pick up the phone.
I had to put my beloved cat down in November 2011, and I still think of him all the time. Your vulnerability in sharing took me right back, and made me weep. I am so sorry about Bug. There is no grief quite like losing an animal-- Something about the constant companionship and how they depend on you for everything makes the loss impossible to grasp. Be kind to yourself for how dearly you cared for him and how special you made his time here, and how much love you showed him. How lucky you all found each other. He will send you blessings, and you’ll know when it happens. 🤍
I'm so sorry Haley. I find myself without any sage advice (not unusual) but still compelled to send you my heartfelt condolences from across the pond. We will all miss Bug, and we will all remember him too! What a big impact for such a little guy to make 🤍
Aug 20, 2023·edited Aug 20, 2023Liked by Haley Nahman
I'm really sorry to hear this, Haley. Our family lost both of our beloved cats within 6 weeks or so this summer.
I know this logically and you probably do too, but I found it so helpful to remind myself -- neurologically the grief over losing a pet is the same as the loss of a person and policing grief is not helpful because grief is already hard enough. Losing a pet can be a form of disenfranchised grief in that it's not socially recognized as grief (cue me sobbing uncontrollably outside of work when my parents called me with the news from states away while simultaneously thinking is my boss going to think I'm crazy do I have to go back inside???)
One thing that is beautiful about pets, I think, is sharing stories of them after they're gone. Sometimes I joke that the fastest way to break down walls in a group of strangers is to start talking about dog we've had. People just can't stop. It is this strange beautiful vulnerability of grief that people share openly. I don't know what it is. I have found that we are receptive to shared stories of pets gone by in a way that we aren't about other forms of grief. Not sure why that is, especially when it's often disenfranchised in the moment. Regardless, it has brought me immense comfort. And I've heard some wonderful stories.
Out pets bring us such joy but it is so so hard to say goodbye to them. I'm so sorry you're in this hard part. When we had to let our senior dog go a few years ago I found and loved this poem by Mary Oliver called Little Dogs Rhapsody in the Night.
He puts his cheek against mine
and makes small, expressive sounds.
And when I’m awake, or awake enough
he turns upside down, his four paws
in the air
and his eyes dark and fervent.
“Tell me you love me,” he says.
“Tell me again.”
Could there be a sweeter arrangement? Over and over
In my seventies now, I have had seven cats and seven dogs in my life (with only the seventh dog still in here in body, but none of them are gone from my heart and memory). This means I can say that this acute grief will pass, and you will find new animals to share your life with. But they will never be the same as Bug, which is actually a good thing, because as we journey through life we need different companions. But this isn't the message you need now, what you need now is to embrace all the wisdom you wrote to yourself in this post. There is no right way to grieve, there is no time-table that works for everyone, it isn't a linear process, and you and Avi need to be very kind to yourselves. Big hugs and much love.
Everyone here has given so much wisdom, and I’ll just say that after my cat Greg died two years ago I have since gotten a tattoo, a painting, wallpaper, a digital portrait, a necklace a Christmas ornament and a sweater with his likeness on it. It isn’t the same but it makes me happy to look at him and it feels like I’m honoring him by giving him this amount of attention. Sending you love, grief fucking sucks.
I’m so sorry, Haley. It’s clear that Bug was such a wonderful pet and that you two had such a loving relationship. I felt your post deeply, because my partner and I suddenly lost our cat last June. I felt lucky to have a partner who I knew was experiencing the grief with me, even if that experience may have felt different. After it happened, we spent some time in Prospect Park sharing memories of her, and just holding each other and crying. We were extra gentle on ourselves the next few weeks, even ordering frozen food so we didn’t have to think about cooking. I’ve personally never felt grief like that before - we really were a family, and she was a huge support for my mental health during the pandemic. So let yourself feel your feelings for as long as you need to ❤️ eventually they’ll become less strong and you’ll instead think about how great it was to have Bug for the time that you did.
I so relate to all of this 💌 This sounds like exactly how my partner and I grieved after losing our elderly cat Moya. It was so hard, but I was so thankful we had each other. And eventually the memories became less painful. Now when I think of her I mostly just feel love and gratitude for the time we had.
I am so deeply sorry. My cat Juno is nine years old and has been chronically sick for years, and I write this with her draped across both my arms as I hunt-and-peck type to not disturb her nap. To care for a pet through sickness has taught me a deep love I didn't realize was possible, and one I know will shift into grief when she eventually passes. We send all our love and deep rumble purrs to you, Avi, and Bug.
we've been talking about that a lot, how that level of intense care unimaginably deepens your love and intimacy with something. Juno is a lucky girl, sending love to you both
One other thing; reading your writing about your care and commitment to Bug made me feel less alone in doing the same for Juno. Not everyone understands the pain, bewilderment, frustration, and helplessness that can come from having a sick pet. Thank you for sharing your world and writing with us.
Haley, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved Bug, and how hard you worked to give him a great life. He was so loved and cherished, not just by you but also by all of us in this community. I’m keeping a very good thought for you and Avi ❤️🌈
So sorry, here’s something Anne Helen Peterson shared that helped me:
The love between a human and their pet is completely uncomplicated.
There are no interpersonal dynamics to worry about. It's one of the few relationships in life that you can express your love freely and without self consciousness. And that's also why it hurts so much when they are gone.
I hope you don’t mind but I’d like to “steal” this.
I read it and saved it from someone else! Hope it helps any one dealing with the loss of a pet
Oh yes that was Anne Helen Peterson! Someone else posted the full essay below.
Yes!! That was it, thank you!
Haley, I'm so so sorry. Thank you for sharing your grief with all of us -- your love for Bug is so palpable and comes through so strongly in your writing that I (and it seems like most of your other readers) loved him too because of it. I hope you take all the time to mourn and process his absence, and don't in any way feel rushed to move on or diminish it just because Bug wasn't a human.
I've lost two family dogs, who we all still miss, and now have my own 6 year old dog whose eventual death causes me so much sadness whenever I think about it. The only thing I've ever come across that comforts me is something I read in a Cup of Jo post by Kelly Conaboy about her dog Peter's eventual death. She wrote "No, I won’t have you forever, even though I desperately want to; even though I would donate years of my own life to make our timelines more even, if I could. But the one silver lining I can see in the discrepancy between human and dog life expectancies is that you will have me forever. And that is more important."
Sometimes, that thought helps me a little bit.
it really does help
Crying real tears. This is beautiful.
Oh my goodness! I felt that ❤️ what a beautiful sentiment.
I’m so sorry for your loss. All I can think of to say is that every cat is the most perfect cat in the world to the people that love them. Bug was the most perfect cat, the most special cat in the world.
You are so right
First of all Haley, I am so deeply sorry in ways that words cannot even begin to touch. I genuinely cried out reading this news. I lost my cat in February 2019 and it still aches every day. A wound that will never fully heal. When my cat died, people tried to offer me so many kind and gentle words of comfort, which didn't even touch the edges and in many cases ended up making me feel worse. I'm severely ill and disabled, so my cat was an absolute lifeline for me getting through the endless days stuck in bed unable to access the world or connect with people in the ways I would've wanted to. While well meaning, people just didn't understand the particular pain of losing an animal that is your only companion through the soul-destroying experience of severe incurable illness.
I imagine there are similar nuances and layers to losing a beloved pet whilst pregnant, and I can't even begin to imagine the extra pain that adds to the situation. I want to offer you comfort but I don't think there's anything I can say that will help. So I'll just say that losing an animal is as viscerally painful as losing a human for many people, albeit perhaps in a different way. There is no timeline or template for your grief and you need to feel it in whatever way it shows up for you. So many people tried to tell me I'd feel better by X time and they were sweet but wrong. So my offering is feel as bad as you need for as long as you need, no matter what other people may think about the acceptability and proportionality of your grief. Sending you a massive hug from across the Atlantic, and so many waves of love and support.
I hear you! I also have chronic health issues, and my cats keep me sane. They are so present for me, and, as you said, there are many times I'm isolated from people because I just can't get out of bed or pick up the phone.
I had to put my beloved cat down in November 2011, and I still think of him all the time. Your vulnerability in sharing took me right back, and made me weep. I am so sorry about Bug. There is no grief quite like losing an animal-- Something about the constant companionship and how they depend on you for everything makes the loss impossible to grasp. Be kind to yourself for how dearly you cared for him and how special you made his time here, and how much love you showed him. How lucky you all found each other. He will send you blessings, and you’ll know when it happens. 🤍
I'm so sorry Haley. I find myself without any sage advice (not unusual) but still compelled to send you my heartfelt condolences from across the pond. We will all miss Bug, and we will all remember him too! What a big impact for such a little guy to make 🤍
My dad always said “the only problem with pets is that they’ll always break your heart.” I’m so sorry for your loss, thanks for sharing Bug with us ❤️
I'm really sorry to hear this, Haley. Our family lost both of our beloved cats within 6 weeks or so this summer.
I know this logically and you probably do too, but I found it so helpful to remind myself -- neurologically the grief over losing a pet is the same as the loss of a person and policing grief is not helpful because grief is already hard enough. Losing a pet can be a form of disenfranchised grief in that it's not socially recognized as grief (cue me sobbing uncontrollably outside of work when my parents called me with the news from states away while simultaneously thinking is my boss going to think I'm crazy do I have to go back inside???)
One thing that is beautiful about pets, I think, is sharing stories of them after they're gone. Sometimes I joke that the fastest way to break down walls in a group of strangers is to start talking about dog we've had. People just can't stop. It is this strange beautiful vulnerability of grief that people share openly. I don't know what it is. I have found that we are receptive to shared stories of pets gone by in a way that we aren't about other forms of grief. Not sure why that is, especially when it's often disenfranchised in the moment. Regardless, it has brought me immense comfort. And I've heard some wonderful stories.
:')
Very sorry for your loss, it’s the worst feeling in the world. I thought this was such a lovely piece by Anne Helen Peterson about pet grief that could bring some comfort ❤️ https://annehelen.substack.com/p/this-is-not-just-a-post-about-dog
Out pets bring us such joy but it is so so hard to say goodbye to them. I'm so sorry you're in this hard part. When we had to let our senior dog go a few years ago I found and loved this poem by Mary Oliver called Little Dogs Rhapsody in the Night.
He puts his cheek against mine
and makes small, expressive sounds.
And when I’m awake, or awake enough
he turns upside down, his four paws
in the air
and his eyes dark and fervent.
“Tell me you love me,” he says.
“Tell me again.”
Could there be a sweeter arrangement? Over and over
he gets to ask.
I get to tell.
:')
In my seventies now, I have had seven cats and seven dogs in my life (with only the seventh dog still in here in body, but none of them are gone from my heart and memory). This means I can say that this acute grief will pass, and you will find new animals to share your life with. But they will never be the same as Bug, which is actually a good thing, because as we journey through life we need different companions. But this isn't the message you need now, what you need now is to embrace all the wisdom you wrote to yourself in this post. There is no right way to grieve, there is no time-table that works for everyone, it isn't a linear process, and you and Avi need to be very kind to yourselves. Big hugs and much love.
Everyone here has given so much wisdom, and I’ll just say that after my cat Greg died two years ago I have since gotten a tattoo, a painting, wallpaper, a digital portrait, a necklace a Christmas ornament and a sweater with his likeness on it. It isn’t the same but it makes me happy to look at him and it feels like I’m honoring him by giving him this amount of attention. Sending you love, grief fucking sucks.
I’m so sorry, Haley. It’s clear that Bug was such a wonderful pet and that you two had such a loving relationship. I felt your post deeply, because my partner and I suddenly lost our cat last June. I felt lucky to have a partner who I knew was experiencing the grief with me, even if that experience may have felt different. After it happened, we spent some time in Prospect Park sharing memories of her, and just holding each other and crying. We were extra gentle on ourselves the next few weeks, even ordering frozen food so we didn’t have to think about cooking. I’ve personally never felt grief like that before - we really were a family, and she was a huge support for my mental health during the pandemic. So let yourself feel your feelings for as long as you need to ❤️ eventually they’ll become less strong and you’ll instead think about how great it was to have Bug for the time that you did.
❤️
I so relate to all of this 💌 This sounds like exactly how my partner and I grieved after losing our elderly cat Moya. It was so hard, but I was so thankful we had each other. And eventually the memories became less painful. Now when I think of her I mostly just feel love and gratitude for the time we had.
I am so deeply sorry. My cat Juno is nine years old and has been chronically sick for years, and I write this with her draped across both my arms as I hunt-and-peck type to not disturb her nap. To care for a pet through sickness has taught me a deep love I didn't realize was possible, and one I know will shift into grief when she eventually passes. We send all our love and deep rumble purrs to you, Avi, and Bug.
we've been talking about that a lot, how that level of intense care unimaginably deepens your love and intimacy with something. Juno is a lucky girl, sending love to you both
One other thing; reading your writing about your care and commitment to Bug made me feel less alone in doing the same for Juno. Not everyone understands the pain, bewilderment, frustration, and helplessness that can come from having a sick pet. Thank you for sharing your world and writing with us.
RIP Bug. The loss of a pet is one of the most devastating human experiences. Sending you and Avi all the good thoughts during this time.
Haley, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved Bug, and how hard you worked to give him a great life. He was so loved and cherished, not just by you but also by all of us in this community. I’m keeping a very good thought for you and Avi ❤️🌈