A couple of weeks ago, on Tiktok, recording while seemingly naked in bed, Charli XCX admitted she was sad about BRAT nearing the end of its cultural lifespan.
Enjoyed this. Also I think it’s incredibly healthy and important to meet one of your heroes and be completely disillusioned by them. Everyone should get to do it every 5 years so just as a little re-up.
this is a constant conversation among friends and I who have parasocial relationships with the hosts of the same (movie) podcast, one of whom I have met at an event. We've come to the conclusion that they seem to be genuinely great at managing a rise in fame because A. they're journalists by trade and have been on the other side of that dynamic enough to know how it goes to be the one who's being scrutinized, B. they share some aspects of their off-mic real life while still, mostly, playing characters, and C. it's ultimately very cool to have some prominence in a corner of an industry that a lot of people care about and want to hear people speak thoughtfully about, so the parasocial relationships are approximate to the process of doing good work and speaking honestly on the mic, which more people seem to be realizing the difficulty of doing. i think the same ethics apply to maybe baby!!
I used to work for the concert series Sofar Sounds, and we had some “rules” in place all artists had to follow no matter who they were: show up on time and stay for all the acts (there were 3 different 20 minute sets), we had no green room so they watched with everyone else, and most people in the audience signed up without knowing who was playing. It created a this incredible atmosphere of everyone being really equal and on the same playing field. I can remember a few exceptions of artists not wanting to do it because of these rules, or acting like divas on site, but almost all were great with it, I like to think because it was refreshing. Special shout out to Wyclef who was the most down to earth in terms of fame level but not acting like it. Should have known the company was changing once we started adding in green rooms and making exceptions 😭
I have a friend who’s spent her whole career working alongside famous people, first as a PA for a-list celebrities, then as a business partner to a-list thinkers. We were talking about the nature of fame once, which you’ve articulated so beautifully here — how lonely it is, how it warps your sense of self and worth — and I asked her if she thought anyone who aspires to the spotlight has a clear inkling of what it entails. She immediately responded, “No. No one who has any understanding of fame would ever want it.”
A few months ago, I got to go back stage at a concert for one of my favorite bands because the friend I was with is a famous comedian. He’s not someone I knew of before our friendship, but I’ve never been anywhere with him publicly where he hasn’t been stopped by fans. I asked him if he thought it’d be weird if I went up to the lead singer and said how much I loved his music. He told me not to do it, because “You can never be friends with someone who’s your fan first.” It made sense, but it also kind of shocked me— I thought about the hundreds of people I’d seen come up to him over the years, so eager for that moment of connection. It was the first time I realized that for him, there was no connection in those interactions — just the isolation of the spotlight.
Bo Burnham once said, very sincerely and ominously, in a stand-up special, "If you can live your life without an audience, you should do it." Obviously, he can't do it and has openly shared how his mental health has suffered for it. I hold that quote dear to my heart - I post on IG once a year, maybe.
I briefly experienced the 'fame' of being recognized. On a whim, I was an extra in a movie and ended up in the trailer. I've often wondered about people whose images are even more widespread and recognizable, but equally unimportant, people whose image became famous in memes, for example. And how meaningless it all feels - you just point and say, "That's me!" And everyone blinks a couple times and moves on.
Really interesting how her TikTok caused a bunch of people I follow online to react on the cultural moment we are in. Read and loved your essay, then went on YouTube and my favorite -- and very chaotic -- pop-culture commenter just posted a video on a similar topic, but from a different angle; also as a response to Charli's video. Linking in case people are curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw6VBq2QsHo
It’s interesting how celebrities are elevated above the crowd and often end up feeling alienated, though they tend to find community within their own peer group. That seems true across the board. I guess it comes down to shared experience. The celebrity version just makes that stratification more visible.
I wonder if prioritizing only coincidental friendships versus those that begin with fandom or admiration of work can actually increase alienation? It suggests that fans, even sincere ones, can’t form meaningful bonds. Re: Fan Fiction, when both the fan and the public figure buy into the stratification, it only becomes more rigid. That line is totally relatable but I feel like if both sides don't actively interrogate their feelings or work to overcome then it eventually becomes less about connection and more about class, status, and who gets to be seen as fully human. Ofc there's so many benefits (and challenges) to forging connections with people who have vastly different life experiences.
I also think fans often struggle to express admiration without seeming sycophantic, and even well-meant praise can reinforce the divide. The best friendships feel mutual and life-affirming, not just intellectual connection, but shared aliveness. Preferring only coincidental relationships can unintentionally maintain a power imbalance. Both sides shape the dynamic, and both can resist it: the public figure can embrace being seen through their work, and the fan can understand the person is different from their public image.
Also, I’d love to hear more about feeling embarrassed by your desire for fame at the Taylor Swift show, and what shifted your view. I wonder if alignment means integrating those cringey, shadowy parts, or letting them evolve into something more grounded and mature.
There’s a book I tried to read once- how should a person be by Sheila heti. The prologue was so good! About fame and attention and self perception that the actual story after it couldn’t hold my attention.
“How should a person be? I sometimes wonder about it, and I can't help answering like this: a celebrity. But for all that I love celebrities, I would never move somewhere that celebrities actually exist. My hope is to live a simple life, in a simple place, where there's only one example of everything.
By a simple life, I mean a life of undying fame that I don't have to participate in. I don't want anything to change, except to be as famous as one can be, but without that changing anything. Everyone would know in their hearts that I am the most famous person alive-but not talk about it too much. And for no one to be too interested in taking my picture, for they'd all carry around in their heads an image of me that was unchanging, startling, and magnetic. No one has to know what I think, for I don't really think anything at all, and no one has to know the details of my life, for there are no good details to know. It is the quality of fame one if after here, without any of its qualities.”
The irony of this is the way time seems to play a roll in your writing, Hayley.
You are the one with the mind who can verbalize what we feel...but we are still very much with you in the process.
We are with you before you post - in the feelings and sensations of taking in our world…together.
We are with you as you post - coming into a deeper understanding of what we’ve been sensing, together.
And we are with you after you post; riding the high of clarity together as your words cause for deeper understanding and reflection moving forward.
We are still sharing in our humanity, you’re just the one who was gifted with the mind in order to bridge us all together in union. Thank you.
Golllllllyyyy. Thank you thank you thank you.
Dare I compliment with, “Exceptional essay.”
Enjoyed this. Also I think it’s incredibly healthy and important to meet one of your heroes and be completely disillusioned by them. Everyone should get to do it every 5 years so just as a little re-up.
this is a constant conversation among friends and I who have parasocial relationships with the hosts of the same (movie) podcast, one of whom I have met at an event. We've come to the conclusion that they seem to be genuinely great at managing a rise in fame because A. they're journalists by trade and have been on the other side of that dynamic enough to know how it goes to be the one who's being scrutinized, B. they share some aspects of their off-mic real life while still, mostly, playing characters, and C. it's ultimately very cool to have some prominence in a corner of an industry that a lot of people care about and want to hear people speak thoughtfully about, so the parasocial relationships are approximate to the process of doing good work and speaking honestly on the mic, which more people seem to be realizing the difficulty of doing. i think the same ethics apply to maybe baby!!
Good movie pod? Do tell!
I used to work for the concert series Sofar Sounds, and we had some “rules” in place all artists had to follow no matter who they were: show up on time and stay for all the acts (there were 3 different 20 minute sets), we had no green room so they watched with everyone else, and most people in the audience signed up without knowing who was playing. It created a this incredible atmosphere of everyone being really equal and on the same playing field. I can remember a few exceptions of artists not wanting to do it because of these rules, or acting like divas on site, but almost all were great with it, I like to think because it was refreshing. Special shout out to Wyclef who was the most down to earth in terms of fame level but not acting like it. Should have known the company was changing once we started adding in green rooms and making exceptions 😭
I have a friend who’s spent her whole career working alongside famous people, first as a PA for a-list celebrities, then as a business partner to a-list thinkers. We were talking about the nature of fame once, which you’ve articulated so beautifully here — how lonely it is, how it warps your sense of self and worth — and I asked her if she thought anyone who aspires to the spotlight has a clear inkling of what it entails. She immediately responded, “No. No one who has any understanding of fame would ever want it.”
A few months ago, I got to go back stage at a concert for one of my favorite bands because the friend I was with is a famous comedian. He’s not someone I knew of before our friendship, but I’ve never been anywhere with him publicly where he hasn’t been stopped by fans. I asked him if he thought it’d be weird if I went up to the lead singer and said how much I loved his music. He told me not to do it, because “You can never be friends with someone who’s your fan first.” It made sense, but it also kind of shocked me— I thought about the hundreds of people I’d seen come up to him over the years, so eager for that moment of connection. It was the first time I realized that for him, there was no connection in those interactions — just the isolation of the spotlight.
Damn
Bo Burnham once said, very sincerely and ominously, in a stand-up special, "If you can live your life without an audience, you should do it." Obviously, he can't do it and has openly shared how his mental health has suffered for it. I hold that quote dear to my heart - I post on IG once a year, maybe.
I briefly experienced the 'fame' of being recognized. On a whim, I was an extra in a movie and ended up in the trailer. I've often wondered about people whose images are even more widespread and recognizable, but equally unimportant, people whose image became famous in memes, for example. And how meaningless it all feels - you just point and say, "That's me!" And everyone blinks a couple times and moves on.
Really interesting how her TikTok caused a bunch of people I follow online to react on the cultural moment we are in. Read and loved your essay, then went on YouTube and my favorite -- and very chaotic -- pop-culture commenter just posted a video on a similar topic, but from a different angle; also as a response to Charli's video. Linking in case people are curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw6VBq2QsHo
Fellow fan of thee swiftologist here 👋🏼
haha hiiii!
I needed this one! I hope that your day is exactly what you wish for <3
It’s interesting how celebrities are elevated above the crowd and often end up feeling alienated, though they tend to find community within their own peer group. That seems true across the board. I guess it comes down to shared experience. The celebrity version just makes that stratification more visible.
I wonder if prioritizing only coincidental friendships versus those that begin with fandom or admiration of work can actually increase alienation? It suggests that fans, even sincere ones, can’t form meaningful bonds. Re: Fan Fiction, when both the fan and the public figure buy into the stratification, it only becomes more rigid. That line is totally relatable but I feel like if both sides don't actively interrogate their feelings or work to overcome then it eventually becomes less about connection and more about class, status, and who gets to be seen as fully human. Ofc there's so many benefits (and challenges) to forging connections with people who have vastly different life experiences.
I also think fans often struggle to express admiration without seeming sycophantic, and even well-meant praise can reinforce the divide. The best friendships feel mutual and life-affirming, not just intellectual connection, but shared aliveness. Preferring only coincidental relationships can unintentionally maintain a power imbalance. Both sides shape the dynamic, and both can resist it: the public figure can embrace being seen through their work, and the fan can understand the person is different from their public image.
Also, I’d love to hear more about feeling embarrassed by your desire for fame at the Taylor Swift show, and what shifted your view. I wonder if alignment means integrating those cringey, shadowy parts, or letting them evolve into something more grounded and mature.
P.S. Happy Mother's Day Haley!!! <3
There’s a book I tried to read once- how should a person be by Sheila heti. The prologue was so good! About fame and attention and self perception that the actual story after it couldn’t hold my attention.
“How should a person be? I sometimes wonder about it, and I can't help answering like this: a celebrity. But for all that I love celebrities, I would never move somewhere that celebrities actually exist. My hope is to live a simple life, in a simple place, where there's only one example of everything.
By a simple life, I mean a life of undying fame that I don't have to participate in. I don't want anything to change, except to be as famous as one can be, but without that changing anything. Everyone would know in their hearts that I am the most famous person alive-but not talk about it too much. And for no one to be too interested in taking my picture, for they'd all carry around in their heads an image of me that was unchanging, startling, and magnetic. No one has to know what I think, for I don't really think anything at all, and no one has to know the details of my life, for there are no good details to know. It is the quality of fame one if after here, without any of its qualities.”
Love this book and often think that the titular question is the heart of every existential conundrum lol
Yes! Anxiety riddled 20 year old me would repeat “ how should a person be? “ like a prayer
Sending love to your twenty year old self 🥲
hahaha my 20s are behind me but still wondering what the heck the answer to this question is
So so good - this one is an all-timer, Haley!! Happy Mother’s Day 💐