I have a 1 and 3 year old right now and it feels like daily I’m hearing “enjoy them while they are little” which just always feels like code for “they get worse” and “you’ll wish you could back to this high point in life” which makes me so anxious and kind of just sad?? I always want to say “I am trying so hard to enjoy!!! I am afraid of life passing me by too! And every night when they go to bed I worry I did a bad job at it bc I love them so much it hurts, but also it’s not all fun and games and I’m tired!!!”
Really grateful for this piece! Made me feel lighter. Thanks to your mom, too :)
I have an almost 4 and almost 6 year old and just want to reassure you that it gets so much easier and honestly, so much better!! They are way less dependent on me now and so interesting and fun. Some parts are harder now for sure, mostly the ones that involve living in the wider world rather than a smaller scale baby and toddler bubble, eg school/other kids’ internet access 😩 But having a 1 and 3 year old was extremely hard work and it is exponentially easier now!! There is light at the end of the tunnel, you won’t be this tired forever, and your lovely babies will become even lovelier kids! I am genuinely so excited for mine to get older, I will miss their tiny bodies, but seeming them grow as people is the most incredible thing in the world!!
The "enjoy them while they are little" comments particularly bum me out when the older kids are with the parent. Its like... your kids can hear you? Trying not to judge but damn that would hurt me if I was that kid!
Totally! Now that you say that, I bet that’s part of the sting for me. I distinctly remember by mom saying something to that effect. Wow, cathartic thread for me this time lol
As someone slightly farther into parenthood but still very much in it (my oldest is 5), honestly, I rarely look at pictures and notes from when he was a baby. And when i do, I can't really conjure up how I felt back then anymore. I know that it was tough, and also happier than expected, and I adored him, but it's well in the past now. I adore him also the way he is now, tougher in some ways, easier in others, differently rich.
I'm the baby of my family, and as I was growing up, my mom would sometimes tell me, "remember, for me, you're this big," and hold her hands as if holding a baby. I know (and knew) what she meant, but it still annoyed me a little. I wanted her to see me for who I was at the present time.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I fully agree the past is shifty. And meanwhile the present is always here, full of people to love. Not that there's anything wrong with reminiscing, but it's also okay not to record everything, you know? Your future self doesn't need it to be happy. There's so much to love and focus on in the now, and there will be in their time too.
This makes a good companion piece to your recent essay on the pleasures and benefits of forgetting.
An interesting reframe of something I would have passed off as cute and innocuous. A friend and I were discussing how she's evolved as a writer, and she said that she no longer writes "defensively" in anticipation of all the people that might read her work in bad faith. The concept struck me and while it wasn't 100% related to the idea your discussing here, I think it could be extended to "living defensively." Except the critic is you, assessing your own past choices and actions in bad faith.
I think the “Oh, it goes by in an instant; appreciate it” rhetoric is less cautionary than it is our own disbelief at how fast our lives move. When I say it, it’s mostly because I just. cannot. believe. I’m. here (wherever here may be— retirement, pushing 60, “old,” etc.). It all did happen “so fast,” but I don’t regret “missing it” or not appreciating it as much as I long for it all to slow down. Right? When you’re five, a year is 1/5 of your life; when you’re 57, it’s 1/57th. It’s a smaller chunk somehow— even when it’s the same amount of time. But, the years (and our perceptions of them) are what they are.
Totally, but “longing for it to slow down” is kind of a misnomer to me. Because it doesn’t go fast in the moment, a day is a day. It only seems fast in hindsight because you’ve forgotten the details. It’s an optical illusion! I find it helpful to remember that, and push against the narrative that life “speeds up” as you age. Slowing it down wouldn’t really make sense
I like the idea of it being an optical illusion as I do think that’s part of the point. Someone (many people) have said “perception is reality” so I think that’s what I’m getting at here. When I look back on my 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. I *know* some of those days slogged by or felt interminable or deeply, richly fulsome and expansive, but now, there are so many of them that they run together. My point is not that the advice to “enjoy it because it goes so fast” is actually relevant— it’s not— but that it’s more a function of an older person’s own anxieties and nostalgia so it might be helpful (for anyone) to consider the rhetoric within that framework.
Thanks for responding— as a person who often hears from people older than I the same things you do, I relate to the thinking you’ve described, for sure.
Same here. In the era of giving your younger self some grace or a hug, and the viral trend? meme? of "I met my younger self for coffee... She was yada yada yada..." I've gotten desensitized to the concept. That my past and my past selves may be less knowable and more mysterious than I thought, is really activating my brain today.
Wow, what a wonderful piece. This weekend my 13 year old took his first solo flight, flying to meet up with a group that is going on a 2 week outdoor adventure. I'd spent so much time prepping him for the trip, packing, etc., but I didn't think about what it would feel like to see him get on the plane by himself and walk off. Not that any amount of anticipation could have prepared me for it. I burst into tears as soon as he walked off, just an uncontrollable surge of emotion. He is his own person, I see that every day. But launching him on this trip, that will surely be a soul adjusting experience at the start of adolescence, absolutely took me out. There were a group of older folks sitting at the gate entrance (in their 70s) and some of them started tearing up. One of them said, "in no time, he'll be putting his own child on the plane for the first time." It was an event so preposterously far in the future! I loved it. I felt the people watching me -- the old folks probably thinking about their own moments of raising young people and the parents traveling with their young kids, in a phase when such a momentous event seems unimaginable. I felt connected to it all, the brevity of this life and the joy and heartache inherent in parenting.
Four days after having my now 8 month old, I had the thought "well I'm going to have to have another one because I've missed it. I didn't take enough pictures or pay attention enough to every moment." That intense of a thought (kind of) went away eventually. Thanks for this <3
I’m not a mother but I’m in my own hard season of life, despite sometimes seeing all the magic and fun. I’m in a season of major depression. This newsletter resonated with me intensely. I’m working so hard to make it out, or more accurately through, and it brings a type of exhaustion that is hard for me to explain. It’s interesting that it has forced me to “live instead according to my natural abilities and proclivities.” I genuinely can’t clean a room until the right mood and motivation comes along. I’ve been dwelling so much on how I “should” be living (making the most of being unemployed by furiously enjoying summer), but this gives me a really refreshing reframing of my current experience. Thank you again for another thoughtful, insightful, timely newsletter.
And once again, your family wins the Best Hair Award. 🏆
Oh this was so good. Such a freeing perspective. Totally resonated as a mom that’s fresh out of baby phase, but also spoke to me as a high school teacher. I tell my students all the time: enjoy your age! it’s good to be young! don’t rush! etc etc. But I’m thinking this is the same trap of paranoia I’m inadvertently projecting. In reality, looking back at my own teenage years…part of them did suck. Part of those years I definitely wanted to rush through and for good reason. As much as I miss the energy of being a kid, I also love what 36 feels like, and maybe I shouldn’t project/echo the idea that aging sucks bc it doesn’t. Your writing today gave me pause—maybe my students are doing exactly what they should be…hating it, loving it, enduring it, and being blissfully ignorant of any invented future selves. Anyway thanks for writing; loved every word, as usual.
Yes when I was a kid my mum was always saying "school days are the best days of your life", and it was very unhelpful and also in my case not at all true!
I love this perspective. There’s only so much one can really do to be in the present moment and trust that you’re not “taking it for granted”. As a compulsive list maker, I enjoyed that article about deleting your second brain. There’s only so much we can hold in our minds!!
This really resonates with me (mom of an 8-month old) but one thing i have found helps me not feel annoyed by it is trying to be aware that they are actually just talking to themselves. you and your cute kid just happened to have triggered it. Other people here have said the same thing, I think.
occasionally i have actually had poignant conversations with people (usually when their kids are fully grownups). one guy who was walking by while my husband and i were getting our baby out of the car had paused bc he was walking with his 90-year old father who needed to rest, and he told us about his son who had just graduated college and seemed to be doing great, but still the guy was a little sad that his son had already successfully found a job and wouldn’t be moving home temporarily. he told us that he wished they had another kid bc it’s better for the kid when the parent has more than one child to worry about, which seems true (one of three over here).
anyway, point being that it can occasionally be cool to go deeper on those comments, when you have the time and the vibe seems OK.
I appreciate that this thought process alleviates pressure from the cultural narrative to be “present” as much as we can and that we’re not good or living fully if we’re not constantly pushing for this state. Especially with the omnipresence of screen time - I find myself in a loop of guilt and self punishment when I have an urge to doom scroll or just zone out. Forcing presence or for time to slow down does the opposite for me sometimes - it Pulls me out of the moment. Not arguing for more doom scrolling but sometimes I don’t really want to ‘soak it all in’ tbh haha Allowing myself to sit with the discomfort or fuck maybe just letting myself escape from it sometimes has felt liberating. Mainly pulling myself out of a moment to pat myself on the back to say “good job you’re savoring the moment” feels like I’m patronizing myself and more importantly not trusting where I’m at and allowing that to be true haha Two things can be true at once; life can be full of joy and life can suck. The classic platitude might apply here, it wouldn’t even be valuable if it wasn’t to a degree fleeting? Reliving the same moment or phase of life over and over seems like it would be a different kind of hell. Hope this makes sense. I’m not a mother btw but I think this concept applies to a lot of different life experiences
Totally, also you can’t be present and think about being present at the same time!! They’re opposed states, so forcing it can be counter productive. I think there are better ways…
Almost everyday I say to myself “she literally can’t be a baby forever” because on good days I cherish that and on bad days it gives me a sense of fleeting peace 😅
I feel so much unnecessary grief when an older person tells me, “it goes by so fast.” Thanks for articulating this different perspective so beautifully.
Reading this with my 6 week old asleep at the boob! I really appreciate this reframe. You’ve beautifully articulated the push and pull of parenthood, especially the early days when you’re deeply in love with your child and also so under resourced and tired. We are a one and done family so there’s this extra layer of finality when he reaches a milestone or grows out of an outfit. Thanks for offering a new perspective 💚
Another banger! My son just turned three months and a dear friend had her baby a week ago. I texted her yesterday to CHERISH. EVERY. SECOND. with her tiny fresh baby, as I was losing my mind at the explosion of growth between a picture of my baby at 1 hr old vs 3 months old. But in reality, I didn’t bond with him for two weeks, and the following four weeks I was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating. I only cherish those moments in hindsight, now that the abject terror and torture of formal newborn-dom has passed. I feel so phony for saying that to her - I know better and yet, the cliches come anyway.
No I totally know what you mean about perpetuating the cycles!! I recently realized I have so little to say when I meet someone pregnant bc all I can think of are cliches 😪
Also for what it’s worth I remember really freaking out about Sunny’s growth those first few months!! Way more than I do now. It hits so hard in the beginning
I have a 1 and 3 year old right now and it feels like daily I’m hearing “enjoy them while they are little” which just always feels like code for “they get worse” and “you’ll wish you could back to this high point in life” which makes me so anxious and kind of just sad?? I always want to say “I am trying so hard to enjoy!!! I am afraid of life passing me by too! And every night when they go to bed I worry I did a bad job at it bc I love them so much it hurts, but also it’s not all fun and games and I’m tired!!!”
Really grateful for this piece! Made me feel lighter. Thanks to your mom, too :)
I have an almost 4 and almost 6 year old and just want to reassure you that it gets so much easier and honestly, so much better!! They are way less dependent on me now and so interesting and fun. Some parts are harder now for sure, mostly the ones that involve living in the wider world rather than a smaller scale baby and toddler bubble, eg school/other kids’ internet access 😩 But having a 1 and 3 year old was extremely hard work and it is exponentially easier now!! There is light at the end of the tunnel, you won’t be this tired forever, and your lovely babies will become even lovelier kids! I am genuinely so excited for mine to get older, I will miss their tiny bodies, but seeming them grow as people is the most incredible thing in the world!!
Aww you sound like a lovely mom. Thank you for this!
🥹
The "enjoy them while they are little" comments particularly bum me out when the older kids are with the parent. Its like... your kids can hear you? Trying not to judge but damn that would hurt me if I was that kid!
Totally! Now that you say that, I bet that’s part of the sting for me. I distinctly remember by mom saying something to that effect. Wow, cathartic thread for me this time lol
If ever he's asked what the best age with kids is, my father in law always says "this one" (and always has). I think that's the best answer
Aw I’d feel so loved by that!
As someone slightly farther into parenthood but still very much in it (my oldest is 5), honestly, I rarely look at pictures and notes from when he was a baby. And when i do, I can't really conjure up how I felt back then anymore. I know that it was tough, and also happier than expected, and I adored him, but it's well in the past now. I adore him also the way he is now, tougher in some ways, easier in others, differently rich.
I'm the baby of my family, and as I was growing up, my mom would sometimes tell me, "remember, for me, you're this big," and hold her hands as if holding a baby. I know (and knew) what she meant, but it still annoyed me a little. I wanted her to see me for who I was at the present time.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I fully agree the past is shifty. And meanwhile the present is always here, full of people to love. Not that there's anything wrong with reminiscing, but it's also okay not to record everything, you know? Your future self doesn't need it to be happy. There's so much to love and focus on in the now, and there will be in their time too.
This makes a good companion piece to your recent essay on the pleasures and benefits of forgetting.
An interesting reframe of something I would have passed off as cute and innocuous. A friend and I were discussing how she's evolved as a writer, and she said that she no longer writes "defensively" in anticipation of all the people that might read her work in bad faith. The concept struck me and while it wasn't 100% related to the idea your discussing here, I think it could be extended to "living defensively." Except the critic is you, assessing your own past choices and actions in bad faith.
Yes I see the connection!!
I think the “Oh, it goes by in an instant; appreciate it” rhetoric is less cautionary than it is our own disbelief at how fast our lives move. When I say it, it’s mostly because I just. cannot. believe. I’m. here (wherever here may be— retirement, pushing 60, “old,” etc.). It all did happen “so fast,” but I don’t regret “missing it” or not appreciating it as much as I long for it all to slow down. Right? When you’re five, a year is 1/5 of your life; when you’re 57, it’s 1/57th. It’s a smaller chunk somehow— even when it’s the same amount of time. But, the years (and our perceptions of them) are what they are.
Totally, but “longing for it to slow down” is kind of a misnomer to me. Because it doesn’t go fast in the moment, a day is a day. It only seems fast in hindsight because you’ve forgotten the details. It’s an optical illusion! I find it helpful to remember that, and push against the narrative that life “speeds up” as you age. Slowing it down wouldn’t really make sense
Of course following what you’re saying though!!
I like the idea of it being an optical illusion as I do think that’s part of the point. Someone (many people) have said “perception is reality” so I think that’s what I’m getting at here. When I look back on my 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. I *know* some of those days slogged by or felt interminable or deeply, richly fulsome and expansive, but now, there are so many of them that they run together. My point is not that the advice to “enjoy it because it goes so fast” is actually relevant— it’s not— but that it’s more a function of an older person’s own anxieties and nostalgia so it might be helpful (for anyone) to consider the rhetoric within that framework.
Thanks for responding— as a person who often hears from people older than I the same things you do, I relate to the thinking you’ve described, for sure.
I felt a new neural pathway sprout when I read "What if we know less about our own pasts than we think?" by the way.
Same here. In the era of giving your younger self some grace or a hug, and the viral trend? meme? of "I met my younger self for coffee... She was yada yada yada..." I've gotten desensitized to the concept. That my past and my past selves may be less knowable and more mysterious than I thought, is really activating my brain today.
Wow, what a wonderful piece. This weekend my 13 year old took his first solo flight, flying to meet up with a group that is going on a 2 week outdoor adventure. I'd spent so much time prepping him for the trip, packing, etc., but I didn't think about what it would feel like to see him get on the plane by himself and walk off. Not that any amount of anticipation could have prepared me for it. I burst into tears as soon as he walked off, just an uncontrollable surge of emotion. He is his own person, I see that every day. But launching him on this trip, that will surely be a soul adjusting experience at the start of adolescence, absolutely took me out. There were a group of older folks sitting at the gate entrance (in their 70s) and some of them started tearing up. One of them said, "in no time, he'll be putting his own child on the plane for the first time." It was an event so preposterously far in the future! I loved it. I felt the people watching me -- the old folks probably thinking about their own moments of raising young people and the parents traveling with their young kids, in a phase when such a momentous event seems unimaginable. I felt connected to it all, the brevity of this life and the joy and heartache inherent in parenting.
Omg this is too much!!! 😭
Four days after having my now 8 month old, I had the thought "well I'm going to have to have another one because I've missed it. I didn't take enough pictures or pay attention enough to every moment." That intense of a thought (kind of) went away eventually. Thanks for this <3
I’m not a mother but I’m in my own hard season of life, despite sometimes seeing all the magic and fun. I’m in a season of major depression. This newsletter resonated with me intensely. I’m working so hard to make it out, or more accurately through, and it brings a type of exhaustion that is hard for me to explain. It’s interesting that it has forced me to “live instead according to my natural abilities and proclivities.” I genuinely can’t clean a room until the right mood and motivation comes along. I’ve been dwelling so much on how I “should” be living (making the most of being unemployed by furiously enjoying summer), but this gives me a really refreshing reframing of my current experience. Thank you again for another thoughtful, insightful, timely newsletter.
And once again, your family wins the Best Hair Award. 🏆
Oh this was so good. Such a freeing perspective. Totally resonated as a mom that’s fresh out of baby phase, but also spoke to me as a high school teacher. I tell my students all the time: enjoy your age! it’s good to be young! don’t rush! etc etc. But I’m thinking this is the same trap of paranoia I’m inadvertently projecting. In reality, looking back at my own teenage years…part of them did suck. Part of those years I definitely wanted to rush through and for good reason. As much as I miss the energy of being a kid, I also love what 36 feels like, and maybe I shouldn’t project/echo the idea that aging sucks bc it doesn’t. Your writing today gave me pause—maybe my students are doing exactly what they should be…hating it, loving it, enduring it, and being blissfully ignorant of any invented future selves. Anyway thanks for writing; loved every word, as usual.
Yes when I was a kid my mum was always saying "school days are the best days of your life", and it was very unhelpful and also in my case not at all true!
I love this perspective. There’s only so much one can really do to be in the present moment and trust that you’re not “taking it for granted”. As a compulsive list maker, I enjoyed that article about deleting your second brain. There’s only so much we can hold in our minds!!
This really resonates with me (mom of an 8-month old) but one thing i have found helps me not feel annoyed by it is trying to be aware that they are actually just talking to themselves. you and your cute kid just happened to have triggered it. Other people here have said the same thing, I think.
occasionally i have actually had poignant conversations with people (usually when their kids are fully grownups). one guy who was walking by while my husband and i were getting our baby out of the car had paused bc he was walking with his 90-year old father who needed to rest, and he told us about his son who had just graduated college and seemed to be doing great, but still the guy was a little sad that his son had already successfully found a job and wouldn’t be moving home temporarily. he told us that he wished they had another kid bc it’s better for the kid when the parent has more than one child to worry about, which seems true (one of three over here).
anyway, point being that it can occasionally be cool to go deeper on those comments, when you have the time and the vibe seems OK.
I appreciate that this thought process alleviates pressure from the cultural narrative to be “present” as much as we can and that we’re not good or living fully if we’re not constantly pushing for this state. Especially with the omnipresence of screen time - I find myself in a loop of guilt and self punishment when I have an urge to doom scroll or just zone out. Forcing presence or for time to slow down does the opposite for me sometimes - it Pulls me out of the moment. Not arguing for more doom scrolling but sometimes I don’t really want to ‘soak it all in’ tbh haha Allowing myself to sit with the discomfort or fuck maybe just letting myself escape from it sometimes has felt liberating. Mainly pulling myself out of a moment to pat myself on the back to say “good job you’re savoring the moment” feels like I’m patronizing myself and more importantly not trusting where I’m at and allowing that to be true haha Two things can be true at once; life can be full of joy and life can suck. The classic platitude might apply here, it wouldn’t even be valuable if it wasn’t to a degree fleeting? Reliving the same moment or phase of life over and over seems like it would be a different kind of hell. Hope this makes sense. I’m not a mother btw but I think this concept applies to a lot of different life experiences
Totally, also you can’t be present and think about being present at the same time!! They’re opposed states, so forcing it can be counter productive. I think there are better ways…
As a person with a 10 week old baby, this really hit!! ❤️
Here to say the same! (11 week old)
Almost everyday I say to myself “she literally can’t be a baby forever” because on good days I cherish that and on bad days it gives me a sense of fleeting peace 😅
Same same with an 11 week old too! ❤️🥲
Same with a 15 week old!
I feel so much unnecessary grief when an older person tells me, “it goes by so fast.” Thanks for articulating this different perspective so beautifully.
Reading this with my 6 week old asleep at the boob! I really appreciate this reframe. You’ve beautifully articulated the push and pull of parenthood, especially the early days when you’re deeply in love with your child and also so under resourced and tired. We are a one and done family so there’s this extra layer of finality when he reaches a milestone or grows out of an outfit. Thanks for offering a new perspective 💚
Another banger! My son just turned three months and a dear friend had her baby a week ago. I texted her yesterday to CHERISH. EVERY. SECOND. with her tiny fresh baby, as I was losing my mind at the explosion of growth between a picture of my baby at 1 hr old vs 3 months old. But in reality, I didn’t bond with him for two weeks, and the following four weeks I was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating. I only cherish those moments in hindsight, now that the abject terror and torture of formal newborn-dom has passed. I feel so phony for saying that to her - I know better and yet, the cliches come anyway.
No I totally know what you mean about perpetuating the cycles!! I recently realized I have so little to say when I meet someone pregnant bc all I can think of are cliches 😪
Also for what it’s worth I remember really freaking out about Sunny’s growth those first few months!! Way more than I do now. It hits so hard in the beginning