(48 mins) | Hey! As a followup to my conversation with Harling and Crystal, I wanted to home in on my most frequently asked question: What’s surprised me about motherhood? In this episode I tell you 9 things about having a baby that have turned out totally different than I expected, in a good way
I am soooo happy about the return of the pod 🥰🥰🥰 unrelated to this ep but I had an idea for a future Dear Danny where you and Danny ask advice from a third party - maybe someone that knows you both well. I am a super-fan and have re-listened to the whole back catalogue during your time away!
I giggled (is there an over-thirty equivalent word for this? Don’t tell me it’s chortle or chuckle I’ll die) but anyway I did it over your admission of scanning for your therapists lauding of her *favorite* client.
I have full confidence it’s in the full transcript. 😌
I loved this episode too. I would love to hear you do this again in a year and what has changed. Being a new parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Schedules and structure are how you survive. I now have a second and so much of that goes out the window as essential.
Time feels like it accelerates the older they get. It’s so hard. I keep a phone note and add things that I want to always remember and then I print it annually and add it to their box that I keep. I also love Chatbooks monthbooks. They are not the best photo quality but they help formally document the passage of time and it’s crazy to see them add up. Getting things off the phone is a challenge.
The part about showing Sunny the world made me cry even though I don’t have children :’)
Also, the part about how a lot of people just aren’t interested in babies - 1000%. I have made the dog/baby comparison for years, it is fascinating to me that people genuinely love to look at other people’s dogs, enjoy when they come up to them in public but babies/small children are often seen as an inconvenience or like “oh yeah, haha cool baby.” Sometimes I feel like it is almost trendy to have this attitude towards babies? I was a nanny for years and am now a child therapist specializing in 0-5 so when I see babies/young kids I have the same feeling of “wow, I wonder what’s going on with your parents, I wonder what you learned developmentally this week” - or even just things they’ve discovered this week or feelings their parents are having about them!! I think it is low-key a bigger issue that our country doesn’t really value children and that seeps down into how interested we are in them on a minute level, we don’t as a society value what babies and children bring to this world (super generalizing but I think even discourse about “babies shouldn’t be allowed on planes” points to this issue.) Anyway, loved your thoughts on this and I would love to be spit up on by Sunny (or any baby) any time 💞💞💞
Your comment at the end about being excited to show Sunny the whole world made me cry! I can’t wait to meet my baby and eventually introduce her to ice cream and swimming
I have an almost 2 year old and you have put into words some things I have been feeling for 2 years! Hug that squishy baby tight - the change from baby to toddler is unstoppable and so sweet but also heart wrenching. I said it before but you’re doing so well
I hear you saying that you don’t think you are explaining things well — but you put words to quite a few feelings that have been bubbling beneath the surface. thank you. :,)
Are you taking suggestions for your conversations with Avi pod? I’m curious how humor is playing a role in parenting. I also just had a baby and I have a partner with a slightly bizarre and incredibly silly sense of humor. (I know it’s a little bit similar to Avi’s because they follow and often send me bits of Avi’s newsletter on IG 😋). I’ve found that sometimes humor is the best medicine for some baby blues, but I also just want my partner to shut up and stop joking around other times. How are you guys navigating both the serious moments and the ones that can be met with a giggle or two?
my baby is only 1 month younger than yours so i’m loving all the baby content ! it completely resonated with me that your social world can expand so much with a baby. i feel like the bar to intimacy is so much lower with new and old friends who have babies around the same age. it’s so sweet to navigate the many challenges together and just share experiences with other moms.
i loved when you said that after being out with friends you get to look forward to seeing your baby at home. i really feel even though it’s hard, having a baby has made me happier than i imagined! im 34 and put it off for a few years because i was so scared by all the negative talk about being a parent. im glad you’re also spreading the word about positive parenting experiences. it truly is way way more fun than i ever expected!
I wish I had had the same optimism and positivity as you have so early on, but it definitely came at around 14 months when I was actually able to start *doing* things with my kid.
I totally connected with what you said about the world really opening up to you when you have a kid! I think some people have this with dogs, but I started spending so much more time at parks and public spaces and it really connected me to my neighborhood and helped me meet people I wouldn't have met otherwise!
As someone with no kids (and questioning) but imminently becoming an aunt, it has been fascinating and really helpful to read/listen along with your experience. Hopefully I will be able to be more helpful and knowledgeable for my sister when her baby arrives in June. Thank you for sharing!
Great episode - love all baby and parenthood content. I made a note in my phone as I was listening and I have a dozen lines written down of which I tried to pare down below.
re breastfeeding …. holy shit it is so overwhelming to manage your boobs 24/7. I just wanted a day off to not think about it or wear something that doesn’t revolve around pumping.
re baby growing up…. The first year is chock full of fleeting experiences - good and bad! Nothing lasts! I was devastated the week of my daughter’s first birthday. I now look at photos of her in the early months and ask myself “Do I even remember what she was like then??” I hate when the answer is no… and that was me having an awesome postpartum experience.
I lol’d at you talking about wiping random stuff on yourself. Literally me all.day.
One question that came up for me is if you have felt the pressure of baby hitting certain milestones? The comparison game can be a lot.
Was fighting for my life trying not to laugh out loud on the bus like a maniac when you were talking about your “Hollywood knockers.” I’m a few years out from wanting a babe, but I so appreciated and learned so much from this series! Thank you and Crystal and Harling for sharing <3
It was so touching when you said your daughter doesn’t yet know about chocolate, ice cream, the ocean, hugs, holding hands. It made me think about things my son doesn’t yet know about: champagne! Solo travel! Sushi! Meandering on your own through Central Park in the spring! Funny how parenting is so common and still so special, and how many tired cliches are true. It’s like that saying “youth is wasted on the young” except “parenting refrains are wasted on the non parents”.
Really lovely episode! As someone who is flat-chested and maybe a little intrigued at the prospect of getting a free boob job via pregnancy it was sobering to hear that they don't feel hot haha.
If you ever feel compelled to, would love to hear more about being an aunt vs having your own kid. I'm 30 and am very unsure if I ever want kids of my own, partially because of a health predisposition but also just in general. I'm really looking forward to being an involved aunt in the lives of my sister's and my close friends' future kids in the same way my mom's childless friends and my aunt (who took care us when my mom was going through depression) were very involved in my childhood. Do you think that could be "enough" for people who maybe want to have kids a little bit but choose not to?
Just want to say that I love the baby content and have recommended your Substack to so many (SO. MANY.) friends. I am currently childless, but your journey mirrored my best friend’s. Your essays and pods helped me feel like I could better understand and support her. And now, I am anticipating trying. I am very afraid of being isolated in pregnancy and postpartum, particularly of my partner and siblings not understanding or, as a result, not being able to provide support I anticipate needing. Being able to share your essays with them and to ask my partner to listen to your pods with me has been a true gift. I feel my partner and I are developing a shared language and some stories around what our future may be like. Thank you.
I love my non mom friends, but I cannot keep up with the group chat.
I am soooo happy about the return of the pod 🥰🥰🥰 unrelated to this ep but I had an idea for a future Dear Danny where you and Danny ask advice from a third party - maybe someone that knows you both well. I am a super-fan and have re-listened to the whole back catalogue during your time away!
I giggled (is there an over-thirty equivalent word for this? Don’t tell me it’s chortle or chuckle I’ll die) but anyway I did it over your admission of scanning for your therapists lauding of her *favorite* client.
I have full confidence it’s in the full transcript. 😌
I loved this episode too. I would love to hear you do this again in a year and what has changed. Being a new parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Schedules and structure are how you survive. I now have a second and so much of that goes out the window as essential.
Time feels like it accelerates the older they get. It’s so hard. I keep a phone note and add things that I want to always remember and then I print it annually and add it to their box that I keep. I also love Chatbooks monthbooks. They are not the best photo quality but they help formally document the passage of time and it’s crazy to see them add up. Getting things off the phone is a challenge.
Sunny is precious, congratulations!
The part about showing Sunny the world made me cry even though I don’t have children :’)
Also, the part about how a lot of people just aren’t interested in babies - 1000%. I have made the dog/baby comparison for years, it is fascinating to me that people genuinely love to look at other people’s dogs, enjoy when they come up to them in public but babies/small children are often seen as an inconvenience or like “oh yeah, haha cool baby.” Sometimes I feel like it is almost trendy to have this attitude towards babies? I was a nanny for years and am now a child therapist specializing in 0-5 so when I see babies/young kids I have the same feeling of “wow, I wonder what’s going on with your parents, I wonder what you learned developmentally this week” - or even just things they’ve discovered this week or feelings their parents are having about them!! I think it is low-key a bigger issue that our country doesn’t really value children and that seeps down into how interested we are in them on a minute level, we don’t as a society value what babies and children bring to this world (super generalizing but I think even discourse about “babies shouldn’t be allowed on planes” points to this issue.) Anyway, loved your thoughts on this and I would love to be spit up on by Sunny (or any baby) any time 💞💞💞
Your comment at the end about being excited to show Sunny the whole world made me cry! I can’t wait to meet my baby and eventually introduce her to ice cream and swimming
I have an almost 2 year old and you have put into words some things I have been feeling for 2 years! Hug that squishy baby tight - the change from baby to toddler is unstoppable and so sweet but also heart wrenching. I said it before but you’re doing so well
I hear you saying that you don’t think you are explaining things well — but you put words to quite a few feelings that have been bubbling beneath the surface. thank you. :,)
Are you taking suggestions for your conversations with Avi pod? I’m curious how humor is playing a role in parenting. I also just had a baby and I have a partner with a slightly bizarre and incredibly silly sense of humor. (I know it’s a little bit similar to Avi’s because they follow and often send me bits of Avi’s newsletter on IG 😋). I’ve found that sometimes humor is the best medicine for some baby blues, but I also just want my partner to shut up and stop joking around other times. How are you guys navigating both the serious moments and the ones that can be met with a giggle or two?
my baby is only 1 month younger than yours so i’m loving all the baby content ! it completely resonated with me that your social world can expand so much with a baby. i feel like the bar to intimacy is so much lower with new and old friends who have babies around the same age. it’s so sweet to navigate the many challenges together and just share experiences with other moms.
i loved when you said that after being out with friends you get to look forward to seeing your baby at home. i really feel even though it’s hard, having a baby has made me happier than i imagined! im 34 and put it off for a few years because i was so scared by all the negative talk about being a parent. im glad you’re also spreading the word about positive parenting experiences. it truly is way way more fun than i ever expected!
It was so interesting to listen to your point of view and then go back and compare it to my own:
https://copperoranges.wordpress.com/2020/12/20/postpartum-report-12-weeks/
https://copperoranges.wordpress.com/2021/03/03/postpartum-report-five-months/
I wish I had had the same optimism and positivity as you have so early on, but it definitely came at around 14 months when I was actually able to start *doing* things with my kid.
I totally connected with what you said about the world really opening up to you when you have a kid! I think some people have this with dogs, but I started spending so much more time at parks and public spaces and it really connected me to my neighborhood and helped me meet people I wouldn't have met otherwise!
As someone with no kids (and questioning) but imminently becoming an aunt, it has been fascinating and really helpful to read/listen along with your experience. Hopefully I will be able to be more helpful and knowledgeable for my sister when her baby arrives in June. Thank you for sharing!
Great episode - love all baby and parenthood content. I made a note in my phone as I was listening and I have a dozen lines written down of which I tried to pare down below.
re breastfeeding …. holy shit it is so overwhelming to manage your boobs 24/7. I just wanted a day off to not think about it or wear something that doesn’t revolve around pumping.
re baby growing up…. The first year is chock full of fleeting experiences - good and bad! Nothing lasts! I was devastated the week of my daughter’s first birthday. I now look at photos of her in the early months and ask myself “Do I even remember what she was like then??” I hate when the answer is no… and that was me having an awesome postpartum experience.
I lol’d at you talking about wiping random stuff on yourself. Literally me all.day.
One question that came up for me is if you have felt the pressure of baby hitting certain milestones? The comparison game can be a lot.
Was fighting for my life trying not to laugh out loud on the bus like a maniac when you were talking about your “Hollywood knockers.” I’m a few years out from wanting a babe, but I so appreciated and learned so much from this series! Thank you and Crystal and Harling for sharing <3
It was so touching when you said your daughter doesn’t yet know about chocolate, ice cream, the ocean, hugs, holding hands. It made me think about things my son doesn’t yet know about: champagne! Solo travel! Sushi! Meandering on your own through Central Park in the spring! Funny how parenting is so common and still so special, and how many tired cliches are true. It’s like that saying “youth is wasted on the young” except “parenting refrains are wasted on the non parents”.
Really lovely episode! As someone who is flat-chested and maybe a little intrigued at the prospect of getting a free boob job via pregnancy it was sobering to hear that they don't feel hot haha.
If you ever feel compelled to, would love to hear more about being an aunt vs having your own kid. I'm 30 and am very unsure if I ever want kids of my own, partially because of a health predisposition but also just in general. I'm really looking forward to being an involved aunt in the lives of my sister's and my close friends' future kids in the same way my mom's childless friends and my aunt (who took care us when my mom was going through depression) were very involved in my childhood. Do you think that could be "enough" for people who maybe want to have kids a little bit but choose not to?
Just want to say that I love the baby content and have recommended your Substack to so many (SO. MANY.) friends. I am currently childless, but your journey mirrored my best friend’s. Your essays and pods helped me feel like I could better understand and support her. And now, I am anticipating trying. I am very afraid of being isolated in pregnancy and postpartum, particularly of my partner and siblings not understanding or, as a result, not being able to provide support I anticipate needing. Being able to share your essays with them and to ask my partner to listen to your pods with me has been a true gift. I feel my partner and I are developing a shared language and some stories around what our future may be like. Thank you.